Been in a funk

[Scott Hays]

Ok, so here's where you can say I thought it gets easier over time. It really does, but there are just sometimes where it doesn't matter the length of time, you have bad times. You all know by now that Lindsey would have been 19 this year.
I finally decided to start talking about her this year. I brought her up to my therapist, and started talking about her there, I talk about her here, I just plain talk about her. I've said before, don't wait 19 years to start talking about your baby, your beautiful little angel. It's come up and bit me in the rear end. I'll have to talk to my therapist about this (hey, he needs that new BMW, I might as well pay for it), but I honestly think I'm going through the steps of grieving. How I wish I would have done this 19 years ago. It just brings the pain back, and man does it hurt. Why anyone would want to go through this twice, I'll never know. I completely shut it out the first time around, and here I am today, reliving it.
Maybe some of you are going to be able to shut it out today, and will shut it out forever. I don't know why you would want to, other than it hurts to think about it. Things hurt in life, but you face them. We can't always listen to those with experience. We have to live our own experiences, and do things the hard way sometimes. I didn't have the opportunity to have anyone tell me to grieve. I was thrust back into the throws of the military where I was pretty much told, that's to bad, get back to work, it's best. I never grieved. So here I am now, facing it, and grieving.
I can't seem to focus, I'm having a hard time getting out of the house, I'm losing touch with my friends, and just about every other symptom of depression. The worst part, is that I can notice these symptoms, but I can't seem to break loose from them. Who do you talk to. Who's going to understand that 19 years later that you're grieving for your daughter?
When Lindsey was stillborn, since she didn't take a breath, she was not considered viable, so we weren't allowed to take her out of the hospital to have her buried or have her cremated. In short, she was treated as medical waste. To this day, I can't shake that. I know there are a lot of other parents that are in the same boat. Some have moved past it, some haven't. I'm a haven't.
Heck, I could go on and on, but I think i would just be talking in circles. I don't know how long I'll be in this funk, but I know it's getting real old. I want my life back, I want my daughter back. I want to see her laugh. I want to meet her boyfriend, I want to see her struggles through her first year in college. I want the tears to stop.
Thanks for listening

[Kirk Kief]

Scott,
You have been an inspiration to me from the first day you appeared on this forum. You have had the courage, and fortitude, to tell us your story, and your feelings, in a way that I know is of help to the other men that read these pages. Other men that are going through what you are, but are keeping their feelings tucked away inside.
Now that you are having a particularly rough time, I feel saddened that there's not much that I can do, or say, to help you as you've helped so many others. All I can offer are my prayers for you, your family, and for Lyndsey. You know you have my total support!

[Cheryl Haggard]

Scott,

I really feel, deep in my heart, that everything I missed with Maddux, will be given back to me, ten-fold, after I leave this earth. I don't think I will miss anything, and I think you too, will be able to share all of this with Lindsey. You will see her grow from baby to a young woman.

If anyone tells you they are ok, after the death of a child, don't believe them. We will grieve EVERY day for the rest of our lives. It's how we grieve, that sets us apart. Times have changed over the last 20 years. I am sorry that you and your family were treated the way you were when Lindsey was born. Lessons are learned, policy has changed. There is still room for more change. Hopefully, in the years to come, laws will be changed and babies that are born still will be given a 'Birth Certificate' and not just a 'certificate of life.' Our children are real to us, they should be real to the rest of the world, and this is the time to substantiate the importance of our baby's life, whether only in the mothers womb, or just brief moments in this world.

Our pain, our grief and our heartache are the consequence of loving deeply, loving unconditionally, and the death of one of the greatest loves in our lives.

Here is a beautiful quote...

“Tis better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all.”
- Alfred Lord Tennyson

Scott, If I had just one piece of advice to give at this point and time in my life, it’s this—remember to always love deeply. Love those seen and those unseen. Loving deeply, for the most part, will not end in heartache. But when it does, accept that this heartache is the consequence of a parent’s deep and unconditional love. Don’t try to get rid of it. Accept that because you have loved deeply, you will grieve greatly. Take your own time to grieve, not someone else’s. And one day, you also will feel the broken pieces of your heart start to come together again.


(Most of what I wrote above will be in the Newsletter, but I had to write it to you now.)
I pray that this helps you TODAY! Please know that you are in my thoughts.
(have you ever had the thought, that maybe, just maybe, Lindsey is up there in Heaven, babysitting all of our little ones?) I would imagine, that Maddux is really trying her patience...

Blessings,
Cheryl

[Scott Hays]

Cheryl, I'm always getting you to put the cart in front of the horse with this newsletter. I better stop writing, or nothing will be a surprise.
I did have the thought once of Lindsey watching over all the babies that have come after her. I see them all playing and laughing. It gives me a smile. You think Maddux is one of those trouble makers? If Lindsey is anything like her brother and sister, I'm sure she'll be teaching him a few things he probably doesn't need to know down the road. So when we get there, don't blame me. If I get there first, I'll try to straighten things out and teach him...well, he's got you in him, he'll be teaching me an awful lot. I look forward to that. Maybe he'll teach me how to smile like you Haggards do so well. So much to look forward to.
As usual, you know the right things to say. Kirk, thank you also. I just sometimes feel like this is the only place I can come to, and get things off my chest. I know I won't be judged, and people will understand. Sometimes you have to be a downer, but it happens. I can't lie about that. Now, I may be up in another week, it may be another month, but I do know I look at Lindsey's picture, and it warms my heart. I give it a little kiss, and think silent thoughts. Someday I'll share those thoughts. Just not today.
Cheryl, how is it that someone so young is so wise? Yup, I'm referring to you. You're like on your 3rd or 4th life here. Thanks for everything.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Scott,

Sam and I both joke about seeing Maddux in Heaven, and first things first, is giving him a little spanking...Just for everything he's put us through.
So, yes. I definitely see him just alittle rambunctious (noisy, very active, and hard to control, usually as a result of excitement or youthful energy.) I guess, he gets that trait from his mommy...Could be a good thing...or a bad thing...:rolleyes:

I hope you are doing alittle better, this afternoon. I have something going out in the mail for you today.
Cheryl

[Sandy "Sam" Puc']

Scott,
Hugs from Colorado...nuf said!
Sam

[Tammy]

Scott~ I can relate to how you feel about not wanting to leave the house and loosing touch with friends. I've been there too, still am in that rut to a point. Come warmer weather, I hope it gets better. You have taken a very couragous first step, talking about Lindsey. Whether here on the forum, to a professional, or Lisa. Expressing how you feel instead of keeping these feelings bottled up is much healthier. You are an inspiration for many people. I wish my husband would be as verbal about his feelings as you are, yet I can't force him to talk either. I've asked for your advise before, and will continue to do so... if it's ok.
Who can you talk to and who will understand? We do for one. Typing, or writing your feelings, getting them out in the open can be theraputic to an extent. Or, picking up the phone. If there is a support group in your area you could go to, two. And if there isn't, how do you feel about starting one?
It never matters how much time has past after the loss of our baby... 2 weeks, 2 years, 2 decades, it still hurts. Over time, the pain may not be as intense, but it's still there, and always will be. The first time you were never given the opportunity to grieve, but you are now... as much as it hurts, it's something you need to go through to heal. And along your journey of healing, you have support through us. This is not something you have to go through alone. Always remember that.
{{ BIG HUGS }}

[Scott Hays]

Got them yesterday, Thanks Cheryl...