I just do not know what to do!!

[Hailey's Mommy]

Hello Everyone!! I do not post much on here (very hard for me) but I do want you all to know that I think about and pray for all of our angels all the time. I am in a situation that is hard for me to talk about and hard for me to make anyone understand. John and I both (and John I know your reading this and thats right I said "both") want to try for our second baby. The thing is I am so scared like any and all of us are after our loss. With our circumstances I am so scared that our next child will have Campomelic Dysplasia too. They said there is a 50/50 chance and the genetist said she believed that we could have a house full of children that were not affected but how do they know? I do not want to have another child because I miss Hailey I want it to be because I want another child and I feel like right now I can not see a difference. I want another child but I feel like its because I miss her. I do not even know if I am making sense. I know I am still a mommy but I want to feel like mommy again I want to change diapers and give baths and hear laughs, but what if I build myself up and then I can never have a healthy child? Sometimes I feel like I am ready and others I dont. This past couple weeks have been so hard for me and I do not know why. I thought I was doing better. I am now working 3 jobs to keep myself busy and then I come home and cry myself to sleep and I do not know how to explain how I feel to John or anyone. Sometimes i feel like I am in a bubble and no one can hear me or see me when someone can be standing right next to me talking to me..I want a baby but I want Hailey and what if I do not love the second one as much as her? Thats not fair. I also want to buy a house (another reason I am working so much) and I want to be better financially but with that there will ALWAYS be something that pops up a tire goes flat, an unexpected bill something. Then there is what if I have a boy? How would I react knowing that a girl should be here first. I am just so confused and I do not know what to do. I heard a quote that I read on here that said "Another baby is not a cure, but it sure is a good pain killer" Is that true? John says that the fear will never go away and by that token I will never have children because i am scared. I dont know I just feel like maybe it will be easier with time....:confused:

[Cheryl Haggard]

If any of us waited until we were ready to have children, how many of us would have them? Probably not alot...:p I know I wouldn't.

Remember one simple word...Hope.

Where would any of us be with out it? Yes, Hailey died, and you are still her mommy. When you have another child, you will still a mommy. This time to a heavenly angel and an earthly angel.
Just have HOPE...





what if I do not love the second one as much as her?
IMPOSSIBLE! A mommys love is the strongest in the world...Daddy's too.

[carissa13]

Jenny ~ my heart breaks for you, knowing that fear all to well. I wish so much I could say something to make you feel better but I fear I don't have the right words. You WILL love anther baby just as much, remember how your love was the instant you found out you were pregnant, it will be that way again. That is how God built us! No child will ever replace Hailey, she will always be your special girl but your heart is a lot bigger than you believe it is right now. And you have to believe you are not trying to replace her. This is a very scary time, but time is what you have so take as much as you need and follow your heart. I loved that quote "another baby is not a cure, but it sure is a good pain killer." I think that has to be true. You said you had a 50/50 chance of having another baby with the same condition but you didn't mention you also have a 50/50 chance of having a healthy baby. Creating a child is much more of a miracle than any of us believed until we lost our beautiful children, we will never again believe we are just having a baby but we will believe we are part of making a miracle.
Maybe you are not emotionally ready to try..... yet. Hang in there, believe in yourself, love yourself and you will find your way. Ask God and he will put in on your heart. Hugs Carissa

[Shelly]

Carissa....very nicely put!!!
Jenny, it's really hard and really scary to take the leap to have another baby. You will know when you are ready....that "Mommy Force" will out weigh the fear. Hailey will always be with you. Be gentle on yourself...this is yet another difficult leg of the journey.

Shelly

[Lyssa Sauer]

Jenny and John so glad to here from you. I am so sorry you are at that point Jenny. I know I felt like I didnt know how I felt and I just cried. Let me tell you CRY sweetie. You may not be able to put into words, but God knows. And as long as John is there just to hold you without asking a single question it is part of both your healing.
As far as the baby honey let me tell you this. I know those feelings we all do. God gave me my answer before I was even ready I think. I got pregnant just four months after we lost Payton. God will know when you are ready. We will never replace our kids but we can add to our family so once we are in heaven all reunited there will be alot more love. Dont you worry about loving your next child more or less, it doesnt exsit. You love all of your children in diffrent ways but all the same amount...UNCONDITIONALLY. I will put in an extra prayer for you to find some peace and some comfort along with maybe an answer. Sending you both hugs.
PS Hailey will watch over her sibling(s) and you two. BELIEVE that

[George]

Jenny,

I’ve debated and debated whether or not I should post this. I decided to go ahead and post it and hope I’ve been considerate and sensitive enough.

I don’t know your religious background, but many Christians believe God controls everything that happens in the universe. I’ve did an extensive study on the subject, and I reluctantly concluded that is indeed what the Bible teaches. Read the Bible verses in my Helping the Bereaved document and see if you see the same thing.

A loving, omnipotent God who allowed my daughter’s death is nearly impossible for me to believe in. That’s why I’ve nearly lost my faith.

But without faith, where am I? All I have is the belief that I’ve eternally lost my sweet baby girl and have absolutely no hope of ever seeing her again. Zero. None. Nada. Zilch. She’s gone and never coming back. I’ve lost her forever. She was not much more than 80% water and $2.80 in chemicals.

Without faith, all I have to look forward to is a life but a broken heart then non-existence. Everything that happens in this life is a random occurrence. Have another kid, don’t have another kid, he lives, she dies, it doesn’t matter. We roll the dice, and take our chances. Our tears are just salt water, and our emotions are just chemical reactions.

Without faith, we all belong to Greg Egan’s “Church of the God Who Makes No Difference. “ As Stephen Crane put it: "A man said to the universe: 'Sir, I exist!' 'However,' replied the universe. 'The fact has not created in me a sense of obligation.'"

But what do we gain if we have faith? A God who allows our children die? To what end or purpose? Romans 8:28 (a verse I’ve studied and thought about for nearly two years) says, “God works all things together for good for those who love Him and are called according to his purpose.”

Does that verse say that my daughter’s death was for the best? Absolutely not! I think it means that God takes all the rotten, terrible things that happens in this life and uses them for good. He turns rotten eggs, sour milk, turned butter, and ruined flour into something good. And that good may not be known in this life or even be for this life.

Some Christians believe nothing that occurs in this world happens outside the providence of God. I struggle with that belief, but have reluctantly concluded that’s what the Bible teaches, which vexes me. I could become a Deist which acknowledges God, but teaches He doesn’t intervene in human affairs. I could embrace Rabbi Kushner’s philosophy that God is loving, but not omnipotent. I could become an atheist. But all those have issues that vex me just as much as the first.

No matter our religious beliefs, we don’t know what the future holds. There are no guarantees in life. We are all a heartbeat away from eternity. The lesson we’ve learned all too well is that life is so incredibly fragile. It’s a miracle any of us are alive.

But I think it all comes down to this: Do you believe in God? If so, what kind of God do you believe in? Do you believe in God who will always act in your best interest or at least in one that will use all this evil in this world for good? If so, all we can do is trust him.

If not, then all we can do is gather all the information possible, make the best decision possible, and hope for the best.

There’s nothing wrong with having another child because you miss the one that died. There’s nothing wrong with having another child because you want to feel like a parent again. There is nothing wrong with tenderly holding a new born baby in your arms while weeping for the child you lost. There is nothing wrong with having another child because you want to lavish your love on someone. In fact, I suspect that the whole reason God created us.

I suspect Hailey is eager to have a little brother or sister to watch over and will be more excited that you if you are blessed with child. We had another child 14 months after our daughter’s death and I like to think she feels that way. Being a guardian angel is important work, you know.

BTW, I noticed you live in Plano, TX. I don’t recall if I mentioned this before, but I live just north of you.

[Catherine Colgan]

On a good day, the decision to have another child is difficult. Throw in what we've been through and it's heartwrenching. You just have to go with what you think you can handle.

I don't know about God and all that, but I can tell you that whether your children are with you on this earth or not, you will love them each a little bit differently. Not more. Not less. Just differently. And that's ok. And it's perfectly normal to worry about. Boy...girl...first child...fifth child...that's what moms do...worry.

For me, the bigger issue was my ability to have a healthy baby. We lost two boys and were "done" when this baby decided to surprise us. We'll see how it turns out. I'm scared...I won't lie to you. And there are a whole other set of worries that come with the uncertainty of it all...but overall, I have to say that I'm happy he's here. He may not have been planned and I may want to curl into a ball and cry myself to sleep some days...but there's good here too. Happiness and hope. So I personally think it's worth it.

Maybe take a little more time and heal...maybe then the answers will be clearer for you. Only you can decide when the time is right...if ever.

Good luck to you!

[Hailey's Mommy]

Thank you all for helping me and all the kind words. George what you said just made a lot click for me if that makes sense. I was not raised around religion and never really had faith because I know nothing about it. I am beginning to believe that maybe that was Haileys purpose for me, to help me find God and believe. Yes I have known that you live in Allen, I actually went to middle school there and my freshman year of high school. I now work a 2nd job out there at the Fragrance outlet in the outlet mall..maybe we could all get together and go for starbucks or something one day

[Kathy Schneider]

Jenny,

I am glad you are sounding better. The decision to have another child is hard. For me, the only way I got through losing Isabelle was my faith. Don't get me wrong, I am not over losing her. I meant that my faith in God was the only thing that made me get up in the morning and attempt to function even when everything else was telling me to stay in my hole.

We luckily got pregnant quickly without planning 2 months after losing her. For us that was what I needed. All I could think of after losing her was...what if I never can have another child? Did I wait too long to start my family? For you and your family, you may need longer. Don't rush it, but don't put it off because you are too scared. Make sure when you do become pregnant, your ob fully understands your fear so he/she can help you.

Don't be afraid of loving a second one less or forgeting about your angel Hailey. It won't happen. A mom's heart is meant to love all equally even if differently. You'll be in my prayers. Keep your chin up. I bet Hailey will let you know when she is ready to be a big sister. It may even be sooner than you think you are ready!

Hugs...

[JenniferBrown]

Jenny,

I have my own Angel's in Heaven and I have 3 Earthly children. I love each of them in their own way. None of them more than the other. None of them less than the other. It took my husband and I 5 whole years after our last Angel grew her wings before having our first child at term and I tell you I was so scared I wouldn't love a child as much as I loved the ones I lost but ya know what.... I do! I love my babies with every fiber of my being... even though there are days they sure try my patience. lol

All in all.... Keep your chin up and one thing I hated to hear but was really something I needed to learn to do was to be patient and when the time was right, everything would fall into place.

Hugs,

[Erica Stone]

All I can do is speak from my own experience...

Tom and I decided to try again only a few months after Matthew. I got to a point where I decided that no matter how long I waited I wouldn't feel any better about losing him. It wasn't going to make a difference whether it was 3 months or 3 years, I was still going to feel horrible about THAT situation. I realized that I would still miss him and still love him and still be his mother. I had many feelings of guilt trying to get pregnant again (and then being pregnant and then having a healthy baby), but in the end it all made me love Matthew even more.

There is plenty of love to go around - the fact that you question it at all is evident to me that you are bursting with it!!

[eam]

Have you found the campomelic families Yahoo group? They might have some words of wisdom for you. Here's the link: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/campomelicfamilies/

[Hailey's Mommy]

Yes i actually just found it about a week ago. I was so shocked because the doctors made it seem like only just a few have been known to live like 10-20 or something and then I find a website with 184 members and all of these families are living with this mutation and I am not the only parent that carries the gene and is not affected.