Visit to hospital

[Cheryl Haggard]

Yesterday I went with Grant Oaks on a family session at PSL Hospital in Denver. This is the hospital that Maddux was born at. We were on the 3rd floor, and the nicu is on the same floor. I asked the nurse if l&d used to be on the 6th floor, and she said not to her knowledge...I swear I had to use the elevator to get to Maddux, or did I just imagine the whole thing??? I really think that your mind can play tricks on you...

It is amazing, the flood of memories that wash over you. I was standing at the L&D desk, talking to the nurses, and one came up to me, and said, "You probably don't remember me, but I took care of you after Maddux was born." Well, of course I don't remember anything about me, only who took care of Maddux, but the tears just came. I really think I did well trying to compose myself. And by the time I entered to room for the other family, I was very fine...

Then I took a trip to the NICU, I swear, it all looked so unfamiliar. I walked right past the bed that Maddux was in, and I swear, there was a little baby that looked just like him...Anyhow, saw Eugene, the fabulous nurse that took care of him, and just got the biggest hugs...Again the tears. I just feel such a connection to him...And then I saw nurse Angie, the nurse that was with us that infamous evening...
Wow, it was really exhausting! The memories, the smell, the sounds...It really just transforms you back in time...

[Kathy Schneider]

Cheryl,
It is amazing how the feelings and emotions can wash over you at any moment especially when visiting the hospital. I've experienced it many times.

As for different floors. When I had Andrew in 2004 at PSL, I got moved to the 11th floor after I delivered him. They may have moved you too so you may not have imagined taking an elevator.

Was that your first time back to the hospital since Maddux? I know for me each subsequent time I was there after Isabelle (aside from being at work there), it seemed easier and the memories were not so emotional. I did stop there several times after each of the boys to say hi and it was really refreshing to talk to the nurses who helped me with Isabelle.

I remember one time I stopped there to show the nurses Isabelle's photo album. I think it was early on in my pregnancy with Matthew (our second born). The nurse who put handprints and footprints on photo album pages thanked me for showing her the album and then thanked me for asking her to get Isabelle's handprints and footprints. I asked her why. She said it gave her something helpful to do on a day that was filled by pain. You see the nurse that I was talking to was was doing management duties on Sept 11, 2001 when Isabelle was born and needed to be doing something besides sitting in her office at the computer. Isabelle filled that need. It brought tears to my eyes. Even on her delivery day she was helping someone.....
funny how you bringing up your experience at the hospital made me remember this in this particular way.

[JenniferBrown]

Years and years later the smells and sights and sounds still bring back floods of memories. Some you think you imagine and some you think "Is that where this was" or "Was the hall this color".... I know it can be a wild and emotional experience even years later.

Hugs, I'm sure you did well.

[Estrella]

Cheryl, I don't have any incouraging words...but I can tell you that I admire you! I'm sure you already knew that! I've only been to the hospital once since Anthony passed away...just to the ER and it hurt so bad...I want to go and share my pics with my nurses and tell them how thankful I am for them...I have sent letters, but it's just not the same. I cannot seem to find it in me to go, I'm scared...I get half way there and I freak out...I'm still working on it, and you have given me a little hope! ~hugs~

[Cheryl Haggard]

I have actually been back there several times, and each time is so different. I never had tears, until this last time...
I think it is a thing that every person should do...Don't ask why. Just one of those 'hurdles' that have to be gotten over...

[Lyssa Sauer]

For memorial day the hospital where Payton was taken to holds a service for those children who passed at their hospital or that they were taking care of. This was only two months later and I remember having to go to the same floor where we were at for 12 days seeing people that were in there when we were in there and were still there with their children hanging in there. I had an anxiety attack couldnt breath, cried and cried...I havent been back and in ways hope I never have to walk that hospital cause I could barley do it then, I couldnt do it now. I also had this happen going to the church whcih we held his services in and the function being in the same room, I couldnt walk in there either. I had yet another anxiety attack and the memories, emtions hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like walking back into that room and replying everything again. I have truly struggled with those places.

[Marlena]

Cheryl,
I read the date this was posted and realized this was our family you were visiting. I did not know much about NILMDTS, its beginnings or who you were. Joe told me that you had lost your son at P/SL before you came in to assist Grant with the photos. I remember I found comfort that we shared the common thread of losing an infant and you understood what we were about to embark on. I was able to get a glimpse of what are future would be like through your emotions: we would move forward, but would still have sadness and tears for Grace. This may sound odd but I was comforted by this too, that Grace would continue to be in our hearts. I thought you were so courageous. I will say this again you inspire me. mar

[Cathy]

You are amazing Cheryl, I think about my Photoghrapher all the time. He didnt say anything to us he just did his thing and slipped out. He was great. I emailed him a while back thanking him again I just wanted him to know what he meant to me and my family.

[asquad]

I remember the first time I went back, my dh's aunt was in the hospital. I kept thinking to myself, "I hope I don't see her, I hope I don't see her!" (my ob/worst nightmare) On the way out, guess what? Yup, here she came walking down the hallway. I just hung my head as we passed, just could feel my pulse rate jump and got sweaty and nervous. I have not been on the labor/delivery floor yet. I'm hoping to save that for the next time I'm in there myself.

[amburke2]

Two and a half weeks after Timothy was born and died, my dad had surgery. The hospital was in a different state, and I was never on the L/D floor, but I still got really anxious and kept looking around like something threatening was going to jump on me. I sat in a corner in the waiting room. Even the generic "hosptial-ness" was stressful.

[HAINAngel2000]

I have been back to the hospital Mariah was born but not back to the same area. I just haven't done it yet. I am not sure if I would blubber , or if I wouldn't at all.
Thank you Cheryl for sharing this with us. You touch my life personally! Your a true inspiration to me