It happened.... again

[Tammy]

I've been debating whether or not to post this all day long... finally decided I had to share, or I'd go crazy and lose it.

I had a job interview this morning. During the interview, a comment from the interviewer was casually (and I express casually) stated that struck a saddened cord for me, is still haunting me, and will probably ring through my head for a while. It just came from out of nowhere, I was not at all prepared for it... not expecting a comment like this to come out of a job interview. Worse still, if I am offered a position with this company, every time I see the person who conducted my interview, I will remember this comment. Even worse...he (my interviewer) doesn't even have a clue.
This is what took place in a nutshell. Hope I don't lose you....

The interviewer was discussing how the previous owner decided to sell the company, which was 'founded' and built by him and his wife. The interviewer went on to explain the feelings this previous owner experienced when the time came to let the company go and made the comment, "....selling the company he (previous owner) and his wife built was like losing a baby..."
I wanted so badly to say something, but instead... bit my tongue...hard. After that, the only thing I could think was, mister, you have no idea....

What a strange analogy. I wouldn't even call it an analogy... not even close.
A 'company' can be rebuilt.... enough said.
I was not angry or resentful about the comment, but it did make my heart sink. Of course how would the guy have any idea I had just lost a baby 6 months ago, unless I would have brought it up, (which I didn't). Know if I would have said anything, it probably would have made him feel real bad, so I just nodded and the interview went on.

So the question arises..."So what? A comment was made, it was not directed toward me in any way... let it go." Today played itself out to be one of those days.... can't let it go, wish I could. If this was said to me yesterday or tomorrow... might have been different. That's the way this grieving process goes. You try to deal with it on a day to day basis, even minute by minute in some cases. Believe this is what you call...rolling with the punches?

There are other posts here on the forum that talks about comments people have made to grieving parents, things that help grieving parents and things that don't. If you have not read these threads, please do so.

My point is this... grieving and dealing with grief is difficult. Dealing with grieving parents is even more difficult.

I am one of these grieving parents.... I have learned to try and prepare myself emotionally a little bit when engaging in casual conversations with my friends.... just in case something is said to me that strikes one of those sad cords. I can deal with handling statements from people I know... but from a total stranger and in a job interview?!? Think God might be sending some sort of message. If I figure out what it is, I'll let you know.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Tammy-
Don't think it was directed to you. I just think that with society today, some people don't have the common sense to think twice, before speaking. Trust me, you should hear some of the things that come out of my mouth...And when people try to analyze situations, by comparing them to the death of a loved one, Well...You see where it goes.
If you are hired, and you do accept the job, that person will feel like a heel, when he learns of your loss of Chase, and remembers what he said. Try not to be too hard on him. This is where we come into play with the education to the general public of this awareness.

[Wendy]

Tammy,

A message I believe God would have you to know from this man's comment is: Psalm 147:3 He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Then during this process of healing if you can hold on to and remember Hebrew 13:5 where He says "I will never leave you or forsake you". Tammy I pray that you and all these other grieving parents can feel the comfort of Gods presence everytime your memories bring you pain and also when someones foolishness and or ignorance pierces you.

[Tammy]

Thank you Cheryl and Wendy.
I'm doing alright, I accepted a second interview with this company (not with the same person) The whole issue was just something I was not ready to hear or deal with, and I realize the comment was only ment to be taken at face value.
It still hurt though, but the hurt was within myself, and remembering in my mind I should have a six month old baby.
I'm sure with time, I will be able to roll off comments such as this, but at that moment, on that day... it hit me. Hope that my outward reaction did not reflect how I felt inside.

[Michelle D-S]

Hi Tammy,



I had to reply to this – I have encountered similar situations – not at job interviews, (where I actually HAVE been asked if I have children) but by co-workers, at family functions, and by friends of friends at gatherings… etc…


The same comments are ALWAYS made:


“It’s your turn next!”


“When are you and Mike having children?”


“You shouldn’t wait much longer – you’re not getting any younger”


I cringe, every time…



And like you, I held (and still hold) my tongue because I don’t want to make THEM uncomfortable!


Never mind that it I want to scream at times because I feel as though my heart was in a vice…


And I know, like you said – they don’t know what happened – that I was trying, that I do want children, and that we lost our baby…


One of these days… I just might just be too much – and I might just ‘loose’ it.


As women I think we are socialized to keep ‘quiet’ so as not to ‘stir the water’ or rock the boat’ or what ever we do or say or don’t say to ensure we don’t make anyone else uncomfortable… Regardless of how we feel… And we mask it… We smile, and just act as if everything is fine…


Sorry for rambling… As you can see – this is still quite a sore spot for me!


If you have found any better way to deal with these sorts of “comments” – I would love to hear it!


I may just “unleash” on the next person who doesn’t mean any harm… ????


Michelle

[Martin Comiskey]

Michelle, Tammy,

First I do not know the pain that anyone feels who has lost a child, since I have not. My question is; why do you feel you have to not say anything? Is it not better that they feel uncomfortable than for you to feel like your heart is in a vise? Simply state the facts. That you and your husband do want kids, have had a child and lost your child. I think it would be better for you not to hold it in and someday go off on someone. It is not good when we hold things in. This I can preach on as I had a heart attack for my 40th birthday. So get it off your chest and be well.
Martin
PS: Just my 2 cents.

[Michelle D-S]

You know Martin – I just may do that next time…


It seems like an easy enough solution, but I don’t always want to tell everyone – my story – over and over and over…


It puts a “damper” on things – especially if I am at baby shower – which can’t be avoided – and maybe isn’t appropriate… To talk about my lost baby – when I am there to celebrate the birth of someone else’s… ???


It will depend on the situation – context, and attendees… I think….


But thanks for your input!


Hope you are healed/healing from your heart attack…


Michelle

[Martin Comiskey]

I didn't think of a situation like that. I was thinking Picknicks, weddings,etc.
You are right, it does depend on the situation.
It will depend on the situation – context, and attendees… I think….
I'm fine although I do suffer from foot in mouth disease.:D
Martin

[Michelle D-S]

Thanks Martin!!

Michelle
:>)

[Tammy]

As Cheryl said:

I just think that with society today, some people don't have the common sense to think twice, before speaking.
That's basically the bottom line. It's one thing, for some people make comments that strike a chord, with out knowing about our loss, but quite another if they do know and say such things anyway.

Michelle~ I can understand how the comments you have encountered have been hurtful for you. Always remember, you ARE a mommy to a precious little angel in Heaven, and you always will be. Nothing and no one can ever change that fact. Know that we are all here to support each other through both the good days and the bad days. Our lives have been forever changed through our experiences.
In time, you will be able to respond to such comments that have been made to you~ give yourself the time you need to greive first. I believe you have more strength and courage with in yourself than you realize~ in time, you will find it. :o

Martin~ If you don't mind, I would like to ask you a question. Have you been in a situation of hearing a story of someone's loss of a child? If so, what were your feelings and how did you resopnd? If not, how do you think you would feel or respond if you were in that situation? Don't mean to put you in "the hot seat". :rolleyes: I'm just curious is all. Thanks for your insight~ it's much appreciated.

[Michelle D-S]

Thank you Tammy, I sure hope you are right...

Michelle

[Martin Comiskey]

Tammy,

Have you been in a situation of hearing a story of someone's loss of a child? If so, what were your feelings and how did you resopnd? If not, how do you think you would feel or respond if you were in that situation? Don't mean to put you in "the hot seat". :rolleyes: I'm just curious is all. Thanks for your insight~ it's much appreciated.

Yes, I had friends who lost their child at aprox. 1mo. old. My feelings were one of sorrow for them and I'm sorry to say uncomfortableness (is that a word?). At the time I would change the subject everytime they spoke about the baby. I thought I was doing the right thing because when they would talk they would get upset and cry. I didn't want to upset them. I wish I had been a real friend and asked and spoke about the baby and their loss. This forum has been a real eye opener and I appreciate hearing how important it is to the parents to speak about their babies.
Martin

[Tammy]

I've been in the same situation Martin. Years ago, I had a friend who's little baby girl passed away. She tried talking to me about her baby and I did everything possible to change the subject. I wasn't the friend I should have been. She had shown me a poloroid image of her baby. I can't describe how I felt after seeing that picture. My out look is so different now. I have experienced what my friend experienced. I now understand. I have experienced what it's like wanting to talk about my baby, and having people change the subject. If I had known then what I know now, I certainly would have handled the situation differently.
But we are only human~ and we learn.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts Martin. I can understand what you went through~ dealing with a greiving parent is never easy, just being there to listen and allowing them to share their pain and sorrow with you speaks volumes.

[Michelle D-S]

Hi again,


This has been an extremely valuable eye-opening experience for me. I have family members who don’t know that Mike (my husband) and I lost our first baby, simply because I don’t know how to talk to them about it.


At first, it was because I was grieving, and I didn’t want to discuss the “why and how” with them… I found ‘fielding’ all of the questions immediately afterward very difficult.


And now? It’s just easier not to ‘open it up’…


I don’t know if I will ever talk to them about it.


Sometimes it is still even difficult discussing it with my husband – and it’s more than a year later now.


I’m so glad I have found a forum where I can talk about it though, it means a lot to me.


Thank you for that,


Michelle

[Kirk Kief]

You know what I have just realized as another benefit of this organization and Forum. We, at least those of us that are photographers, are learning from the families what and how to listen and respond to others as they try to talk about their babies. As Martin said earlier, I too would try and change the subject thinking I was helping the friend, when in reality I now realize I need to encourage them to talk about their angels, instead of trying to steer the conversation in another direction.
Thank You to all the parents that are our friends on this forum to help us learn!

[BreManley]

I can relate to these situations. I work at a hospital and I can't even go near the next unit. Which is Labor and Delivery and PostPartum. Mainly because this is the same hospital where my SIL had my nephew. I can not be around happy mothers enjoying their new babies. Granted it has only been 2 months and it is really touching to my heart. When I see these mothers enjoying their babies no matter what kind of day I am having I think of Adam. I think of why we didn't get to that with him, why we didn't get to go to PostPartum and enjoy him. When people do say things about their new baby and their experience in the hospital with that child it makes me sad. I know as time goes I will be able to listen to others stories and be able to work again in that unit. It is not that I am holding things in, it is that sometimes it takes time to heal. You can never tell someone that it has been this amount of years ______, you should be able to move on by now. I will never forget what room my SIL was in, what window I went to...to look at specialists work on him, and the feeling I had when they put the blue blanket on him when he passed away. Those are very precious memories to me and I will always treasure those things. So yes it does bring a "damper" on things when someone says unthoughtful things like these. I lost a Nephew and I know there is NOT a day I don't think of him. Sometimes it is just easier to "bite your tongue" on these situations. Just my thoughts on this......

Breanna

[Erica Stone]

Breanna-
Thanks for sharing with us. As we can all see these events affect people outside of the immediate family as well - something others might not realize. Don't feel bad about not being able or willing to go near your L&D unit. 2 months is a really short amount of time.

[BreManley]

Erica~ Thank you for being so kind! Yes my whole household was effected by this. I have a 4yr old daughter that talks to me everyday about her cousin Adam. We visit him at least once a week, and when we do I go prepared for lots of questions from her. She does not understand why she did not get to see him. Why she did not get to hold him. (that is what really hurts her the MOST) We are a very close family we all live within 10 mins. from each other. Yesterday was not a good day for her or me. We went to him and she was just so sad after that. Which is not usual but this time it was worse. She was balling her eyes out saying “all I wanted was to hold him.” I don’t know what to do for her when she is like this. All I can do is talk to her and tell her Adam will make sure that when her Aunt MeMe has a baby again, Adam will make sure it is healthy and we all get to hold him/her. (Especially her, my sil says that all the time)
I remember getting in the car and driving around and showing her that there is other babies in heaven besides Adam. I think it made her feel better.
Later on that night she was so sad. She tells me all the time when she looks up at the sky she thinks of Adam. She is such an amazing child, honestly she is. She tries so hard to make me feel better when I am sad, and she is 4!
I am glad that Adam was born into this world, yes it was such a short time. I have learned so much from this guy, so many things it would take hours for me to explain. I miss him a lot and he knows that. Thanks again.