Feeling a little lost, sad and overwhelmed

[Jordan]

Well....where to begin.....most likely this is going to turn into venting/rambling on - sorry....it has been a few months since I have been on the forum.

As time as gone by since we lost Jordan (ok - 1 yr this week - Nov. 7th) I thought I was doing good. I have been busy with our son Alex - almost 5yrs old and now getting ready to bring home a baby boy in December. Now that I have had more time to think and the realization has set in that it is one year ago Wednesday that I had Jordan - I'm overwhelmed. 1 year gone by and so much has happened. It seems like yesterday that I woke up to contractions, took Alex to daycare, went to the clinic, they confirmed no heartbeat, went to the hosptial by 2:10pm and had her at 3:39pm. NOT 1 year ago! We made it through the months following somehow - not sure how but we did. Then to find out we are pregnant right before we had Jordan's burial service back in June, made it through several ultrasounds and now the countdown to my C-section on Dec. 28th for this so far 'healthy/normal' baby boy. Needless to say it has been a very overwhelming year.

So far this pregnancy is 'normal'. All my ultrasounds have looked great and no red flags to test any further. I am doing the big count down - a little over 7 weeks to our C-section. Look at it this way - 7 weeks from today is Christmas Eve. If I make it to full term C-section will be Dec. 28th.

But now I am feeling guility getting excited over putting up a nursery. I was suppose to be putting up a nursery last year at this time for Jordan. I don't know how to feel right now. I am excited, scared, sad and overwhelmed all at once. When we found out Jordan was not going to make we never did go and purchase a crib (we had gotten rid of Alex's when we gave up on getting pregnant again). Well....I still have not purchased a crib. I just can't do it yet - why??? I am not sure.....I am guessing just scared. I feel like I am waiting for the big blow that 'something is wrong' and I am not going to bring home a baby boy. I know I have to be very thankful and blessed to even be pregnant again but I sure am scared and overwhelmed right now.

Sorry for rambling but I am just overwhelmed!

[Julie*B]

Kim,

I can relate as our loss was a little over a year ago (Sept 2006), I have a 4 1/2 year old son at home and am expecting again too (due early Feb. but hopefully end of January if I get my way).

The anniversary date was very hard and several emotions surfaced that I wasnt expecting (definitely confusing and a lot of pressure and guilt involved with trying to properly honor one child's memory, while eagerly anticipating the arrival of another). I dont know why, but the anticipation and build up to the dates was much worse than the actual date itself and it does get better again once it passes.

We had a full term loss due to an umbilical cord accident so the further along in the pregnancy I get, the more my brain turns to mush and panic is setting in. My doctor requested I meet with a high risk ob/gyn (a so-called 'expert') in Denver just yesterday and I left the appointment feeling even more distraught and discouraged than before. Doesnt make much sense does it? We are actually going to the extreme of flying to New Orleans later this month because there is a real life 'expert' on umbilical cord accidents who has developed a monitoring program for subsequent pregnanices. It will all be worth it for the added peace of mind, but it doesnt help when you cant find a doctor in your own home town who will support you. Doesnt one dead baby for unexplained reasons justify a little extra monitoring?

I'm very anxious to be done with the pregnancy hormones (all in due time, of course) so I can get back to my role of normal grieving mother instead of stressed out, pregnant, trying not to kill another baby, uptight mother!

Anyway, Kim, sorry to venture off into my own ranting and raving. Hang in there and I will be thinking of you and your sweet Jordan tomorrow (on the 7th).

[Lyssa Sauer]

Kim I too am finding myslef torn at times. I will be thinking of you princess and pray for her to stay close to you tomarrow. Give you many good dreams and wondeful kisses that feel so real when you wake up. I dont know how to help calm your fears when I have my own in the same perspective and cant control mine. However, remember this Jordan is watching over you and the baby. We cant help but be paranoyed mine was more the ultrasound. And even after hearing NO birth defect, that is what the last doc told me and they were wrong, that this baby boy is text book healthy I still am not at ease. Hang in there hon, vent ramble cause we share it. Until our children are home safe we know there is a danger no matter what. Just believe that your angel is watching over her brother and know that you have more love to give and want you to find some happiness. Keep us posted and the baby is due 2 days before my birthday! Wishing you peace and pray that you will be taking that little boy home safe and sound. Lyssa

[DeeDee Ortiz]

Sending you a BIG HUG & lots of prayers.

[Jordan]

Thanks for the support. Today is Jordan's 1st Heavenly Birthday. It is a milestone for me - in more ways then one.
I have had great support from co-workers (cards, M&M's and a coke - some favorites) and a surprise phone call while I was at work from a very close friend from London. The bitter sweet part of her phone call is that she had her son the day after I had Jordan. He turns 1 yr old tomorrow. She has supported me so much through all I have gone through and then she feels guilty to have her son - Cameron. I have told her not to feel guilty but I suppose I would feel the same if I was her.
Then this sunday my work is giving me a baby shower. I am excited for the shower but overwhelmed about it also because of Jordan 1 yr mark is today. This might sound weird but I wonder if I am feeling guilty that I have a distraction this week (baby shower) and the weeks to come (arrival of baby). My attention is not 100% to her. Does this make sense?
Again - thanks for all your support.

[Lyssa Sauer]

Kim I know that feeling being excited for one when you think you should be consentrating on the other. Remember this I dont think Jordan wants you to be sad your whole life, it is okay to find happiness in life again. Although you feel that all your attentions should be on Jordan I am sure she understands and I am sure she would sure rather you be happy. There isnt a day that goes by we dont remember our angels and that we know, you have focused on her and still will but you cant be 100% her all the time and that is okay. Sending you hugs hoping that your days get better. BIG HUGS

[tinantravis]

Kim--I apologize for not staying in touch...being too busy is no excuse. As you know, we have more in common than one would think. I can relate to the feelings that you are having. Even with all the confirmations that things will be "fine" and "everything looks good"...I have doubts everyday. Baby Jordan will forever be looking over you and blessing your family and the new addition. Give yourself time to process things. I truly believe that the feelings of being overwhelmed, lost, and sad will soon be replaced with much happiness, hope, and peace.
Take care,
Tina

[Jordan]

Well....a lot has happened since I was on last. My C-sections was scheduled for 12/28/07. Well Caleb had other plans. He put me into labor on his own 12/7/07. At 8:17am 12/7 Caleb Nathanael Israels was born. He is perfectly heathly (that's what the dr. said). I am scared though. I am so happy that he is here, seems healthy and all looks good but it is to much that we lost Jordan triploidy (stillborn) and then Alex turned purple at 7 weeks old. At 7 weeks is when we found out Alex had health issues. Well Caleb is going to be 7 weeks old this Friday. How do I let that scared feeling go? It is so goofy - I have not set up a crib yet - thank goodness for bassinets. We finally got a crib but have not put it up. I have to figure out how to let go of these feelings and move on. I can't handle anymore heartache right now. Good Lord I even wrote a little letter for the hospital that if something were to go wrong that they are to call Heather to come take pictures. I hope this is normal feelings to have.

[marylouise]

Kim, congrats on the safe arrival of little Caleb. I will keep all of you in my prayers.
Hugs

[Kerry]

Congrats a the new baby! I love the name Caleb. I think its ok to have your guard up and worry. Just don't worry to much you forget to enjoy life and what Caleb has to offer your family. You are going home with this new baby with lots of different emotions, I think sometimes when bad things happen to us unexpected we just figure it will happen again. If unsure it cant hurt to have the doctor check him over at 7 weeks if it gives you a piece of mind then all that matters is you were right and trying to be a good mom! I wish the best of luck to you and your family and great 2008.

Kerry
Mother of Olivia,Sarah, Lane and Heavenly Angel Mallory

[Tricia Hackney]

Congratulations on your sweet little Caleb - just like a little boy to not follow a schedule from the get go lol. I'm sure Jordan was peeping through clouds when her little brother came into the world. She's with you all the time and she wants you to be happy and to rejoice over Caleb's birth. If you are having a hard time - call the Dr to check him out - if it will give you a tiny measure of peace and allow you to enjoy these early weeks - DO IT.

[Tasha Nicholls]

Congratulations, Kim!!!! We'd love to see some pictures of Caleb when you get a chance! :)

Your feelings are completely natural. You've had some really heartbreaking and scary experiences with each of your other babies, so it's natural to expect the same with Caleb. Just try to breathe easy and know that those were far from common experiences.

My thoughts and prayers are with you for blessings of peace.

Take Care!

[Jordan]

Thanks everyone for the support. I have needed it a lot lately. I has been a rough few days around the house. Caleb made it to the 7 week mark (last friday). He is doing good and I think I am. This friday is his 8 week check up and shots. I will be having our doctor check him over just for a piece of mind. I love our doctor. She is the one that sent us to every specialist with Alex. I trust her so much. I would hate to loose her.

I would love to post a picture but I don't know how. Tasha can you help me? Can I email it to you and you do it? or talk me through it. I am far from a computer geek - should be proud of me that I know how to email a picture!
Kim

[Kirk Kief]

Jordan, Here is a little Tutorial on how to post images. I'd rather have you learn how to do it, as opposed to us doing it for you. However, if even after reading this, you still have a problem, let me know and I'll gladly post it for you.

[Jordan]

Kirk, I found your link of directions on how to post a picture. I will try to do it later. I'll let you know if I have problems.
Thanks
Kim

[Babs]

Congratulations on your healthy baby. :)
I found that the months following my next healthy baby birth were actually way harder on me emotionally than the months following the death of my baby. Like you I became pregnant very soon after. For us it was completely unintentional, we were using protection and I had not yet had my period back after birth and STILL got pregnant just seven weeks after the death of my first son.
Immediately my focus had to switch to having a healthy pregnancy and maintaining good stress levels, so I really put that grief in a box, but my pregnancy experience was miserable both physically and emotionally. I did not bond with my unborn baby *at all* because I really felt like it was all up in the air now. I also felt extreme, extreme guilt over being pregnant so quickly.
Once he was born (and another boy, at that - we were all expecting a girl) I was simultaneously overjoyed and devastated. Every milestone this baby boy had was another milestone the first baby boy never hit. It just made everything else more real, and everything I lost was right there in my hands. I am eternally grateful to have a healthy baby, but at the same time every milestone is bittersweet. They were born only 11 months apart.

Take good care of yourself, sometimes these months are the hardest.