Jennifer Geiss
11-19-2007, 08:25 PM
hi all, sorry to be joining you. I'm a 34 yo SAHM of a beautiful 3.5 yo girl who is the best thing in the world to me. I was pregnant with baby #2, due April 4. at 19 1/2 weeks, I went into premature labor, my water broke as soon as i got to the hospital at 2:30 a.m., and my baby had a heartbeat until he was born. it was the most horrible experience I have ever had, and i miss him horribly. I've been finding some closure after holding him, after making the decision to cremate him and put his remains under a tree in the spring....but still I walk around from this week-long experience feeling a huge part of my heart has been ripped out of my chest and like I'll never be whole again. I want to have another baby so badly, and we were supposed to have the 20 week ultrasound on the afternoon of the day I miscarried. After he was born, I had to have a d&c and i'm finding myself very tired and weak. I didn't sleep for four days (more than maybe 3 hours total) and my doc prescribed Ambien for about 2 weeks, which is the only thing that is keeping me functioning and able to rest at any rate. I am trying my best to pull it together for my daughter and my family. I do have periods where I let myself grieve, usually when my dh can take our dd outside, or to the store, or whatever to give me a bit of breathing room seeing as she is about as active a child as you can imagine. never naps, doesn't much rest. she has a basic understanding of what is going on, and knows she can ask questions if she needs to but it's hard. I see her face and I know he would have looked so much like her. His eyes were still fused shut, but he had definite features, and was not quite a pound in weight. They haven't determined what (if anything) was the cause of the miscarriage, and once I accepted the fact that no matter what i thought or felt about how unfair it was and how much it devastated me, I could not change the fact of what had happened. I miss him so deeply in a way I never imagined possible. My milk came in and i stood in the shower and bawled, knowing it would never nourish my child. In addition to the loss and grieving, there is this wonderful hormonal rollercoaster I'm dealing with. My family and friends have been so very supportive and very loving, adn I have found that many women I know have gone thru miscarriages, most by 7 weeks, but one at about 39. It's been surprising to find so many women i hold in such high regard have suffered tragedies such as this, and i guess misery loves company. But, I do still feel very alone in my misery, since it's such a personal thing, I am the only mother this baby ever had.
I am trying my hardest to find positivity in this. I have decided to focus on making sure I am healthy and providing a good and welcoming space for the next baby to live in, because even though I know it's not my fault, I never was once able to shake a cold or get or feel healthy throughout the pregnancy with my son. I lost 11 lbs. the first trimester, and was never able to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Three days after my loss I was in my skinny jeans again, which isn't right. I had gained over 50 lbs. with my dd, and this time I never had health or a glow or anything,a nd I spotted from 6-13 weeks due to subchorionic hematoma. I had just turned a corner and was feeling better at the time of my loss. I am hoping once I have recovered from the d&c that my doctor will clear me and I can try to make 2008 a positive year with a fresh start, get back into yoga and meditation instead of taebo and kickboxing. I feel like I need to make my body a quiet place in mind, soul and spirit and that it hasn't been for quite a time, and really needs to be. anyways, thanks for reading this if you have gotten this far, I know it's rambling, but I am trying my best to work through the grief, loss and hormones. I hope you all are able to find light and happiness through your losses and sadness.
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I am trying my hardest to find positivity in this. I have decided to focus on making sure I am healthy and providing a good and welcoming space for the next baby to live in, because even though I know it's not my fault, I never was once able to shake a cold or get or feel healthy throughout the pregnancy with my son. I lost 11 lbs. the first trimester, and was never able to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Three days after my loss I was in my skinny jeans again, which isn't right. I had gained over 50 lbs. with my dd, and this time I never had health or a glow or anything,a nd I spotted from 6-13 weeks due to subchorionic hematoma. I had just turned a corner and was feeling better at the time of my loss. I am hoping once I have recovered from the d&c that my doctor will clear me and I can try to make 2008 a positive year with a fresh start, get back into yoga and meditation instead of taebo and kickboxing. I feel like I need to make my body a quiet place in mind, soul and spirit and that it hasn't been for quite a time, and really needs to be. anyways, thanks for reading this if you have gotten this far, I know it's rambling, but I am trying my best to work through the grief, loss and hormones. I hope you all are able to find light and happiness through your losses and sadness.
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