Today is very difficult....

[ralamar]

I was listening to Relevant Radio (Catholic radio station) this morning and the topic was grieving during the holidays. I felt compelled to call in and talk about what I have done for the past three Christmas seasons to help me cope.....

I think of the grief as like a wave in the ocean. Sometimes you can see it coming, and you are faced to make a difficult decision: run from it or stand firm and let it pour over you. No matter which decision you make, the grief is going to overcome you at some point.

That being said, I realized after my phone call that I have been keeping things bottled up for sometime. Perhaps it is the reality of life, but I realized that I haven't been to my son's grave in over four months (I could walk to it in 15 minutes). I also realized today that when someone asked me how many kids I have that I do not have a picture of Gavin in my office. I feel guilty. I feel ashamed. I feel that I have been afraid to talk about him to others, not so much to spare their feelings, but to keep my own in check.

So, needless to say, the waves are crashing down today. In a way, I'm glad this is happening. It feels good to not be afraid to show my emotions.

Ronald La Mar

[Cheryl Haggard]

Ronald,
I think that is what most of us do-keep it bottled up. I was cleaning out my office today which was also Maddux's bedroom-and I came across a book that I haven't opened in awhile-Called: This Little While-by Joy and Dr. S.M. Johnson In the first paragraph talking about before you leave the hospital -and this applies to so many: It talks about doctors and society who think that we are crazy for some of the things we do. "It is society that denies us our motherhood and fatherhood-that's who is crazy."

Some people allow me to talk about Maddux, some don't. Crazy isn't it? Sometimes I feel like sharing him, sometimes I don't. There is no right or wrong. And, it is such a lonely road to travel. In February it will be three years for me...I sound like an alcoholic:p My turning point was the two year mark...

I also wanted to tell you that your little Gavin, shares my birthday. I am honored...
My thoughts are with you,
Cheryl

[Kathy Schneider]

Ronald,
I am so sorry about Gavin and sad that waves are crashing everywhere around you. Do not feel guilty about being afraid to talk about him to others. There are times and places when it is just too hard to do it even a while after it has happened. We are 6 years out and there are some days that the waves come fast and furious. I will keep you and your family in my prayers this holiday season. Hugs.

[Lindzy Foster]

thinking of you Ronald, and your Gavin....

[Rayna']

i am sorry you are having a hard time. thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feeling. thinking of gavin....