Another baby

[Pennie]

My husband have been talking alot about trying to have another baby. We are going on a cruise in May, and thought that it would be a good time to start trying again. I really want another child, and I don't want to wait too long. And most days I feel that May is a good time, not too soon, but then there are the days where I feel bad about it, and I don't really know why. I am kind of afraid other people will think badly of us like we are trying to replace Lukas. Lukas was my first baby, and he always will be, I am not trying to replace him, I just want him to have brothers and sisters. I guess it could be more the fear of having to go through any of this again. I have been working on my blood pressure since then, and it has been coming down, and I have an appointment with a specialist next month to get checked out. And if she says everything is good to start trying, we will. So if there is any advice, suggestions, or opinions please share your thoughts with me. :D

[Tammy]

Pennie~ you are right in saying Lukas will always be your first baby. He will hold a very special and dear place in your heart forever. I believe the feelings and thoughts you are experiencing and going through about having another baby are very normal. If you are healthy enough, you and your husband are ready to try again, by all means.
You can't worry about what other people say or think really.... this is YOUR life that you are sharing with your husband, not everybody elses, right? Just please make certain you are physically and emotionally ready.
What ever you decide, it will be for the right reasons; it will be right for you and your hubby. Prayers to you~ :)

[Erica Stone]

I know what you mean, Pennie. Matthew was our first and I am now pregnant again. I think that for families like ours, who lose a first, have a much different exprience than others who have older children. The thing for us was that waiting or not waiting, we were never going to feel any better about what happened. I knew that it was going to be really difficult for me emotionally, but it couldn't be any more difficult than what we'd just been through. Truth be told, some days I am OK and some I am a total mess. Just ask Cheryl and Charlene - they call me "the crier". Every aspect of this new pregnancy has stressed me out, and probably will up until the kid comes out OK. The hormones certainly aren't helping my cause, if you know what I mean. Fortunately, I have great doctors and they've helped me a great deal. My advice is to just go with your gut. Whenever you are ready is a good time, and do whatever you need to in order to get through this next chapter.

[Megan Kitchin]

Pennie,

My advise would be to follow your heart!!! I think everyone I know thought I was crazy to go through fertility AGAIN after Grayson and Zane died. They were our miracle babies! While pregnant with them, I thought that I wouldn't ever try for another child no matter the outcome. Yet, holding my boys and loving them and watching Zane breathe and then go to Heaven in my arms gave me hope to try once again.

My son, Graham, was born this January. I had gotten pregnant eight months after the twins were born. For me, I sort of put a wall up emotionally to get through the pregnancy. My grief for my boys had overwhelmed me and I could barely function. To get through this pregnancy, I had to put much of that deep inside me and look toward my life with this child. I was terrified the entire pregnancy. And I don't know if I really expected Graham to be able to come home with us. Thankfully he did! The first couple of weeks after he was born, I cried all of the time. I felt so guilty for being happy to have Graham with me. And I sort of mourned for the moments I now had with Graham, yet would forever miss with Zane and Grayson. And I had to allow myself to experience and enjoy Graham, while still grieving the twins. When I talk to him about his brothers, I often find myself in tears longing that my boys all be with me.

Your feelings are so true. I felt the same way. I wanted a sibling for my boys, as no one, not even another child could replace them. And now that Graham is here, nothing has changed in that respect. Graham has two brothers, they just happen to be in Heaven.

It is not easy to get through a subsequent pregnancy, yet it is worth it when you can bring your child home. I appreciate every day I have with Graham and even love the fact that I am tired all of the time from staying up with him. It is wonderful to be tired!

[Erica Stone]

It's nice to hear that I'm not the only one totally freaked out. I had been struggling whether or not to post on this subject - I didn't want to upset anyone with talk of another pregnancy, plus I just didn't know where to begin.

I was having my hair cut yesterday and my hairdresser said he was so happy that we decided to try again. He was afraid that we would just give up after such a devistating experience. My answer to that was that I would always be devistated, but what was my alternative? There were times when I wanted to just crawl into a hole, or thought I'd never be able to function normally again. After a while, I realized that I couldn't go through the rest of my life in a numb fog and made the decision that although I was consumed by grief, it wouldn't do me any good to "check out". So the bottom line for me is that now I don't take anything for granted. Bad things happen, but good things happen too. You can't control what other people think so don't worry about anyone else, it's about you and your husband and what you want.

[Charlene Lopez]

I too can relate very much to how you are feeling. It took us 4 years to become pregnant with Daniel. When we lost Daniel, it was devastating, after all the rollercoaster of emotions, difficult pregnancy on bed rest, and then the devastasion of not being able to take him home seemed like to much to bear going through again.

But we really wanted Daniel to have siblings so we decided to jump right back in and try again, expecting it would take another 4 years. It took 2 months after we got the Dr.'s OK, and we were shocked. The first trimester was filled with confusion. How could we be happy and celebrate our second chance, when we were still mourning for Daniel. I felt guilty for being happy and guilty for being sad. Once I realized that I would always mourne Daniel and that was normal, and that it was ok to be happy about Jasmine (Due May 23, 2006) and that was normal, the emotions settled down a bit.....just a bit.

I'm still terrified, but I know in my heart that Daniel is looking after his little sister very closely and there is nothing to be afraid of this time. I think of Daniel as Jasmine's own private angel. I wish you peace, health and the best of luck in your decision to "try again".;)
Charlene

[Tammy]

I just want to say I think you ladies are all amazing. I truly admire your strength and courage, it's such an inspiration. I too think it is a very different circumstance losing a first child. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you all went through. You had the pain of dealing with an 'empy' home, where there should have been sounds of little crys, wanting to be held, fed or changed.
Those of us who have older children in a way were rushed back into reality of caring for our kids, and trying to deal with the heartache of losing a baby all at once. I would try to hide my tears from my kids, because it upset them seeing me like that. If my oldest son would see me crying, he would come up to me and wrap his arms around me and say, "It's ok mom, we can have another baby someday." Hard to decide if this made me feel better or worse, but his intentions were so genuine. My younger son would copy his brother and say "It ok mom", and gave me a hug.
Thanks to all of you for sharing your thoughts. You are all heroines in my book.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Pennie,

After Maddux died, I wanted another baby, desperately. Even my children said to Mike and I, that they wanted another baby brother or sister. But, most of you know that I had my tubes tied. It seemed so unfair. We thought that if we were able to find out Maddux's condition, and if it wasn't genetic, we would seriously consider, untying my tubes. Well, Maddux had a condition called Myotubular Myopathy. I was tested, and found out NOT to be a carrier.

We have decided not to have another child. We have 3 older, beautiful children, and Maddux will always be our "Forever, Baby."

I don't think it is wrong for you, or anyone else, to want another child right away. This baby will NEVER replace the baby you lost. You will always think of your baby, every moment of every day. You will grieve every day. So why can't you expect to have joy everyday, at the same time?

For those that are pregnant again, please try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy. There is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman. You truly glow!

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with each and everyone of you as you begin a new path in your healing. Their is no greater joy, than the joy of motherhood.

Many blessings,

[Pennie]

Thank you all for listening and sharing your thoughts. It is so nice to have a place to go where others really know how you feel, and the fears of going through a pregnancy after you lose a child. I know my family and friends don't understand the kind of pain you feel when you lose a baby. And sometimes I fell like they don't want to talk about it, but I love to talk about Lukas, and now almost all the time I can do it without crying:D


Anyway, thanks again, keep us in your prayers that the doctor will give us the go ahead.

[Jen Eagan]

but I love to talk about Lukas, and now almost all the time I can do it without crying:D



Pennie- it's been over 7 years for me and I still can't always talk about her without crying. Most of the time yes, but not always. I doubt there will ever come a day when I can "always". I don't expect that of any of us. It would be unrealistic.

I will be praying for you to get the go ahead to start trying.

Jen

[Cheryl Haggard]

Again, Pennie, Just alittle over a year for me. Everyday my heart aches for Maddux. All the reminders of what should have been. I will grieve every day for Maddux, and wish he were here with us. But it is how you grieve, that will help...My heart will always be missing a piece.

When I look at his images, I am not reminded of that night, being the worst in my life. I am reminded at the beauty of him, and what a blessing he is to my family. And the love that we have for him...

[Pennie]

Don't get me wrong, I think of my sweet little boy everyday, and will til the day I join him in heaven. I have pictures of him everywhere. I have my days when I look at his pictures and cry, but other days I look at them and smile, he was such a precious little boy, and such a fighter. I am glad we have so many pictures, and other reminders of him. I have one of the blankets from the hospital he was wrapped in durring his last days, and I like to pick it up and smell it, it still smells like him. I finished his scrapbook a few weeks after he died, I love how they show how much he grew, how happy he was during his bath, and being held. I like to show it to people and tell them everything I remember from that day. :D