Flowers or Chocolate...

[Cheryl Haggard]

After Maddux died, we received lots and lots of flowers and plants. Now, don't get me wrong, and please don't take what I am going to write the wrong way, but that's what people do when someone dies, they send flowers.

I used to love flowers. (note the word used...read on...) Please know, I appreciated every note and gift of sympathy. But the smell of the flowers got to be soooooo strong. They literally made me sick to my stomach. I had to ask my sister in law to get rid of them all. ( I literally could not do it.) Then, on Mother's Day, my husband gave me a beautiful display of flowers. The smell of those beautiful flowers, brought me right back to the time that Maddux died. ALL of the memories. (I love looking at flowers, just not smelling them anymore. )

One of the best comforts we received after Maddux died, was a gift box from MRS FIELDS COOKIES. From our friends, the Pepe Family. Lot's of cookies and chocolate. (did you know that chocolate is a comfort food?) My kids loved it.

Another wonderful gesture was from my husband's best friend and his family, the Brown's. They asked if they could make a donation, to our choice of organizations, in Maddux's name. I said yes.

Both of my childrens classroom parents, got together with other parents, and put together little care packages for each of our children. What a WONDERFUL GESTURE!!!:D Even the PTA sent us a basket of goodies.

So, where am I going with this? As a grieving parent, who better to bring up these small subjects? I would like to hear from other parents, and their thoughts.

When wondering what you can do for a grieving family, think of some of the things above. Try to think "outside" the box. And know that a simple card, or a warm hug is just as great as chocolate!:)

These flowers are Beautiful, though! Aren't they?;)

[Sarah O'Neal]

My step son died in car wreck at 19, not as an infant. But...the flower thing, I cannot even stand the smell of flowery perfume now. Its the roses that are nauseating to me. My mom's whole office sent us breakfast stuff and paper goods. Toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, plastic cups, plastic utensils, muffins, fruit, danishes, doughnuts, breakfast bars and poptarts. That was really nice, my children who were 3 , 8, 8 (twins) at the time were in denial until the funeral. We had no appetite... but they sure did. It really was a help. They wake up hungry and we were not even asleep from the night before and in no condition to be cooking up a mean breakfast. We also had alot of people donate to our baseball league, where our whole family spends most of our time. The flowers were appreciated too and we passes them around. I kept the ones from my immediate family, and the ones sent to the kids from their friends. The mums and azaela bushes we planted and they have grown ten fold in two years.

[Jen Eagan]

I never thought about it with the smell of flowers, so I don't have the same experience there. What I didn't like though was that all the arrangements DIED within a couple days. Like, here, let's spend a ton of money to send these gorgeous flowers to cheer you up and show we care- and then they wilt day after tomorrow. We had a few people send potted plants though, and after 7 years we still have a couple of them. I decided a few years ago I wouldn't send flowers, always a plant.

But I LOVE the idea of giving chocolate! How smart is that.

I honestly don't remember what anyone else sent us after Hannah died. I was so numb and the whole world just spun for an entire chunk of my life.

One thing I do remember though, was my uncle took photos at the funeral- not AT the funeral, but at the little reception thing. I have only looked at them maybe two or 3 times in all these years, but it is nice to be able to look back and see who came (because I would never have remembered).

[Deb Stoner]

All of the flowers were sent directly to the funeral home, so I didn't have that "smell" at our house. I am a flower lover--but I can relate to what you're saying about that overwhelming smell. We had a friend that sent a carton of pansies that I could plant outside, which I loved. The bright colors made me smile. Another friend actually went out and bought me a pr of black pants and a nice sweater that I ended up wearing to Marah's funeral. It was the only thing that I had that fit, as I refused to wear maternity clothes. What a nice gesture! I will always remember that.

[Charlene Lopez]

I too got nauseated by the smell of all the flowers. The worst part of that though, was that our 2 cat's think flowers are a food group. Unfortunately, thier little stomaches can't handle eating them so we were cleaning up every flower they ate and gave back to us so lovingly..yuck:mad: Just what we didn't really need at the time.

I really appreicated the casseroles a few of my friends brought over though. We were in no mood to cook, but then would find ourselves hungry after missing a couple of meals without realizing it and it was so nice to be able to warm something up and eat a homecooked comfort meal.

I love the idea of sending a box of cookies, I'm going to keep that one in mind.

[Megan Kitchin]

I think we really only received one basket of flowers when Grayson and Zane died. So I guess I don't associate the scent of flowers with there death. We have two plants which I am determined to keep alive despite my lack of a green thumb. We took lots of flowers to the cemetery, as did my sister, her boys and my mom. I can totally see though how if you were surrounded by them, the smell would be overwhelming.

Love the chocolate idea!!!!!! The most meaningful things done for us when the boys died were stars that were purchased and named for our sons. That was the best, because I can look into the sky, find their stars and talk with them. Also, my husband's work (individual people) donated to the SHARE support group in our boys' names. Because they did it individually, we received like 30 donation cards in the mail. For some reason, seeing how they effected so many people's live was important to us. My relatives donated to the Milwaukee Zoo and had a frog plaque put up with Zane and Grayson's names on it.

Those were the things I remember. And the cards and visits from friends who didn't listen to us wanting to have time alone. Thank goodness they didn't listen!

[Tammy]

We didn't have an over abundance of flowers for Chase either, but we had a few. We took a picture of the arrangements we received, which is in Chase's memory box, a couple of the arrangements went to Chase's grave site. We did get a few angel figurines and ornaments.
Friends and family sent over cookies, bars and casseroles, which was very much appreciated. The thing that stands out for me the most was for the first 2 weeks I was home, my aunt came to the house in the morning to help get my son off to school, and occupied my two year old. Then my sister came out (yes, I live in the sticks... out in the country I mean, on a farm :) ) in the afternoon until my husband came home from work. They both helped me with housework, laundry, preparing meals, grocery shopping, taking the boys to the park for a while so I could try to sleep etc. I had a good friend who called me everyday for a month or better to see how I was doing. I looked forward to and appreciated her call.
I don't know what I would have done with out my family and friends.
Chocolate and/or food gets my vote. Or even paper products or groceries for the family. One of my husband's friends bought him a case of beer, I thought that was kind of unique. That's definately a man's gesture....:) ( I don't mean that negetively in any way)
What neat ideas.

[Michelle Cantley]

Yesterday I sent potted daffodils to one of my families.
They are beautiful, virtually unscented, and if planted in the garden, will come back, year after year.
Perennials are a wonderful way to show your love and support and will help to keep their loved one's memory alive.
Just my 2 cents.
Michelle Cantley
Pulse Photography
Cleveland, OH

[Jessi Hill]

The thing that got me is once people found out my son was in the NICU I really didn't get much for visitors... very few baby gifts or flowers (NOT that I expected them, but that is what they do with healthy babies) I was avoided like the plague!!! Thankfully I met other parents to babies in the NICU who are friends to this day.

For Tristans funeral we recieved mostly plants which was great.... even though I am terrible with them they are doing GREAT!!! I received a basket of perrenials from a neigbor which have grown and are taking over my garden even though I thinned them last year, a gift certificate for a tree from another neighbor.... we got a Whitspire birtch in his memory. These are constant reminders in my backyard and have made it a beautiful place to sit and remember. I got several house plants also.

But I agree the flowers that DIE in a few days to a week... they just make it all that more depressing! I also love angel statues that I received from friends!!!

[Karla]

I hate to flowers die too, But when Cydney Paige was in the hospital, I stood by her side saying all and everything to her, trying to get positive words across so she could fight to stay. I said to her that she has to be strong as a tiger, that ended up being that she is my tiger lily. It has now become my favorite flower, has a lovely scent, I was also grateful that my husband get them especially for her even though they cost a lot, and it means tons that ever so often he would buy one and bring it home or to the cemetery. It's his way!
But I agree that practical useful things do help a Lot!!!!!!! The pair of pants and sweater is the best, I had no clothes also, I borrowed because I did not want to wear maternity. Food and other household things also helps. At such a time we almost certainly will not be thinking of what we are out off! And yes things that are everlasting, like memorial stones for our garden, not that I have one, and windchimes are neat ideas, probably cost less than a floral arrangements!
Karla

[linda]

When my friend and his wife lost their baby two weeks ago I told my dad...Don't send flowers!! I felt the same way and am just now reading this post.

Although I loved the thoughts and prayers that were sent with the flowers it was ever so painful to throw them away. I kept the baskets and pots of all the flowers.

My sister-in-law and brother who live in CA sent gift cards from our favorite restaurants. (GREAT IDEA when your not local to the family) I loved that...it got me out of the house and prevented me from feeling I needed to make dinner.

I also loved the meals. A group of women in our church are on a team that makes meals when things good or bad happen to a family in our church. They brought meals for a week and the subtle fellowship and hugs from these ladies as Mother's was a blessing.

[Mike Dolny]

I could go without the flowers, and the fruit baskets too! Our appitites were all out of wack for a few days after Molly died, snacking was the norm, so cookies, chocolate and candy were great! Sandy wasn't in the mood to plan meals, so take-out was the plan. Sending a meal over is a great idea, even a week later. These are also great ideas for someone who just brought their baby home.

[Mike Dolny]

Also, it's never a bad time or too late to send a card or note. Just to say you're thinking of them and let them know they have some support out there.

[Jordan]

I agree with getting a note/card or even an email to say 'thinking of you' anytime. That way we know our children or even us are not forgotten. Once those 'thinking of you' stop it becomes lonely and feels like they think 'we got over it'. We will never get over loosing our children but it will get easier to accept that we don't have them on earth.

[jaiew]

Chocolate is a fantastic idea. It can always put a smile on your face. When Carey passed on our website we asked people not to send flowers, his two grandmothers were sending them. So we put up the names and links to 3 organizations on our website and asked people to donate in Carey's name.

[Cheryl Haggard]

It has been almost three years now since Maddux's death, and I am just starting to enjoy the smell of fresh cut flowers again...
Seriously, it has taken that long...:)
But yes, I still like chocolate for a comfort food...

[Karla]

Oh Cheryl,

I always thought of you when I bought tiger lilies for Cydney Paige, I keep them until every single petal falls off, and then I'll throw them out, thinking of what you had said. I am so glad for you. Actually the smell of them reminds me of my baby girl. I know that Maddux will three soon, and I cannot believe that time has flashed past us so quickly, I try to imagine our little ones, squeling in delight and chasing each other in heaven, I can quite imagine him being big bro to Cydney Paige!!

I love them all!!

Karla

[mise]

when joseph died my sister sent me a tree to be planted in his memory and the tree she picked was a 'josephs rock'. during the 2 weeks i was in hospital before he died my brother sent me a text message saying 'from small acorns do mighty oaks grow'. unfortunately joseph grew wings but my brother sent us an oak tree after the funeral. I found these very touching.

[George]

There are many non-flower gift ideas in my Helping Bereaved parents document. Making a donation to a charity in our daughter's name was among the most meaningful gestures to us.

We also got a Christmas Decoration that said something like, "Don't shed a tear, I'm spending Christmas with Jesus this year." Our daughter's name, birthdate, and death date was engraved on it. I also like to give CDs with music on it. Some song ideas can be found in the aforementioned document as well as this web site: http://www.passalong.com/Music/userstoreview.aspx?stid=2952

[motherofthree]

I actually enjoyed getting the few flowers I did receive. I kept some of the flowers and hung them to make a dried arrangement that I can keep as a momento. However, one of the best gifts received was from my sister who when she heard we were going to lose the baby started preparing easy to make frozen meals that could be put directly into the oven. She gave me these meals before we delivered Kavya and we kept them in our deep freeze. In the earliest days, I didn't feel like eating, let alone cooking, and since the meals were frozen I didn't have to feel like people were stuffing food down my throat; we could just make them as needed.

I also love the idea of donations in her name. Though I don't think anyone has actually done it, I told everyone I could that donations to the NILMDTS organization who provided the photographer that took such amazing photos of my precious girl (Jolene Kroeger), or to the grief support center at the hospital, would be the perfect way to honor her memory.

[Amy Joy]

I received the most beautiful gift from www.healingbaskets.com
It was a basket of butterflies that you plant and they grow wild flowers.

[tstracener]

I would much prefer cards or chocolate. I got three arrangements in the hospital, which were beautiful, but I felt sad because I knew they would die. Plants would be nice too, as well as donations.

[Katherine]

I got so many flowers, and after a few days I was sick of the smell. Those lily's are such a strong smell. I also got a lot of Angel statues and ornaments I have a 2 shelves full!! I love them. We also got a few frozen dishes, which was great!
A close friend also Bought a fruit tree in Isabelle's name that is going to be planted for a family in Africa, which I thought was a wonderful gesture!

I did keep 1 flower from each bouquet and dried them and they are now laying in an angel memory box!

Another wonderful lady that I met through a duedate group online, got a necklace made with Isabelles picture on it! It is one of my most treasured pieces. A friend of my moms got me a bracelet with crystals and pearls and Isabelle's name!

[Marcus Momma]

I loved the angel statues I got and the actual house plants. I loved the flowers but I knew they would die. I had thought about getting a rosary made out of the flowers but everything happened so quick.

[Vernon Britton]

My wife and I have always gone a different way by dropping off a cooler full of beverages. It seems there is always a of of drop-in visitors and this way the family doesn't have to worry about offering something. I don't know if this would be the same in this type of situation but it sure has met with other successful times.

What's popular in the drink selection: fruit juices for kids, soda for adults (various brands), small cartons of milk and, the most conversational, Yoo-Hoo.

[efswsjuly17]

All of these are great ideas. I received a few flower arrangements, a couple of house plants, which to my surprise are still living! (I am the world's worst gardener). My husband will plant some bulb flowers when the time is right in our back yard in remembrance of Emma. My husband is a big Bridge player and during our time of loss his whole bridge family came together and made tons of food, brought it to my house and we all together enjoyed what they made. I also had my two best friends helping me with my other 3 children during that time. It is amazing how family and friends can come together during the hardest times, I am every day grateful that they were all there.

Brandy

Mommy to 3 Earthly angels and my Heavenly angel

[motherofthree]

I agree with many of the last few suggestions. Either the really meaningful (which can usually be achieved by those who know you really well or have suffered a similar loss) or the very practical such as food, drinks, errands, etc were the things I appreciated the most.

[Julie Williams]

Thank you for posting this Cheryl. When I was going through treatments I hated getting flowers because they always died. (hate is a harsh word...but I was young and it really did impact me) So symbolic to me. I still don't like carnations because they smell like funerals (I attended many while fighting cancer).

My good friend just came home from losing her baby at 18 weeks. I guess the baby was gone for a while and I pray that is the case because the hospital never called me. I'm sick to myself to know what she is going through and was just thinking what to send her. She is very tender hearted and this will be VERY hard on her but I thought about offering a tiny blanket, hat & remembrance box for her to remember her baby by? Would this be appropriate? I don't think I'll even offer for a while but would love your input. She will most likely not be doing a memorial service as the baby was too far gone before birth. I don't even know if they knew if baby was a boy or girl.

[Marcus Momma]

I was given a memory box at the funeral and it is one of my most treasured things. I have his hat ,his paci , all his pics, the blood pressure cuff, his braclet, the tape my dad sang at the funeral home and one of his diapers. He was in a size 1 diaper already!!!

[Brandijr]

I did not get any flowers at all. I thought about it on my way home, and I am glad I did not get flowers! Flowers die. My husbands department at work gave us money and a very good friend of mine, for over 19 years, gave me a $50 Kay Jewelers gift card. I had told her how much I wanted to get a mother's ring and how important it was to me now. She asked where I was looking at them and I told her Kays...I was so surprised when she gave it to me. She said she knew it wasnt a lot but she wanted to help me get my mothers ring. A lady from my mother-in-laws work gave us $50 and told us to get some gifts for our 17month old daughter for Christmas.

I am glad I did not get flowers when my Emilee was born. I am glad I got the hugs I got. I also love the cards I have been getting in the mail. It makes me know who is thinking and praying for us. I have felt like people do not think it is a big deal bc she was stillborn. And people just continue on with their lives and mine has completely stopped.

[SarahB]

A good friend from my church organized a handful of women to bring meals over a two-week span so we weren't inundated food all at once. It was very nice not to have to worry about throwing out leftovers, cooking, all of that.

Also, another woman asked if she could spend an afternoon with me once my hubby went back to work after the funeral, so the day wouldn't be so quiet. She made a list of things to do, everything from movie marathons to bakery hopping to toasting marshmallows, and let me choose. We ended up going to specialty grocery stores--Italian, Chinese, Bosnian, European--and explored. All the while, we shared our similar experiences with grief (she lost a son in Iraq). It's been wonderful to have a friend who can offer what I needed, when I needed it. That's been more important than anything.

[Michaelm]

We only send live plants. I have had a number of deaths in my family, I understand the flower thing though it's never been an issue for me. However I have had relatives who could no longer wear certain clothes, or eat foods that were brought in at a wake etc. The trigger can be anything, whatever your mind ties to the event and tragedy in your own mind. One of the few deaths that come back over an over is my older brother who died at 19. I have a number of things that remind me of him that I avoid though none to the point of being sickened by them. Not to sound insensitive but for me personally I choose to look at these things from a clinical point of view to defuse them. The flowers are only flowers, the cloths only clothes, the food only food. For me at least I can tell myself things are only memories tied to events. Over time they mean less and cause fewer issues for me. For the record, my wife and I have lost two infants, dealing with the grief although deferent for everyone is something we dealt with well because we believe we will be with them again after this life and our faith carries us very far. I know they are in a better place and this world is not so great so I can only be happy for them, I am the one with the loss not them.

[momma to 2+ an angel]

One of the most wonderful things they we received was a fruit basket (which came with a large chocolate bar).

I did not have to get anything out for the kids to have a healthy snack (when all I wanted to do was forget my real life and lay in bed) - they were able to choose something out of the fruit basket.

I know it might sound silly to some, and I sure don't mean to offend anybody, but we did get flowers too - and in my mind, they were for Cameron.

Well, he wasn't here to enjoy them/be photographed with them - send a thank you card with said photo in it, and I have black thumbs, so they died. My son died, the flowers/plants died - what else could die? My hart was dead. Oh what a rigmarole something so kind of a gesture was.

it is just tough all the way around.

Jenn

[ama01]

The one thing that realy bothered me was a "certificate" I got from a distant relative. They are Catholic and it said something about how the certificate entitled Isabella to something... I can't remember if it was a prayer or blessing or something. Now, I am a very Christian woman; although, not Catholic, so I am not against prayers or anything of that sort - just the opposite. But just after my abby had died, I was appauled to have someone send me a certificate like that, suggesting that without the certificate she didn't deserve those things? Ridiculous. I promptly threw it away. So I guess my suggestion there is just to tread lightly when doing anything religious as it can bea very touchy subject, even without the added stress and emotion of loss.

The things I did love...
-Three of my girlfiends got together and brought us 8 frozen meals. They bought them at a local place that does that sort of thing, but making them would work too. It was so nice to not have to worry about dinner on the days that I just couldn't.
-My husband's cousin sent us a little angel statue. I still have it on a shelf in my kitchen with Isabella's #D ultrasound picture.
-A co-worker sent us gift certificates for pizza. Again, just nice to not hve to worry about dinner.
-A friend got be a book of poems about loss. They are so sad but helped me to get in touch with what I was feeling and to know I wasn't alone.
That's all I can think of for now. Unfortunately the flowers and cards were glaring reminders every moment of our loss and pain. Anything tangable and useful was truely appreciated.

[marylouise]

Amy, I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm Catholic, and I suspect that they sent you was a Mass card. What that is, is a Mass would be said for your sweet little Isabella. Catholics often have a Mass offered for special reasons/occasions.
If you want more info please PM me.
Hugs

[ama01]

Mary Louise - thanks for your response. I think you are right and I hope I didn't offend anyone you or anyone who is Catholic or has done this. For me, the way it was worded was offensive (at the time, who knows how I would feel now) and confusing. It used the words "entitles" and "benefits" and "privillages". Although all Christians have the same core beliefs, for someone who isn't Catholic, those things are hard to read. I guess my point was just to tread lightly when doing anything religious, especially if you don't know the person's belief system and/or it isn't the same as yours.

[Vernon Britton]

I think the key point in all this is that the circumstances are very difficult to talk about for both parties - the parents and the comforters, both. Feelings are very tender for the parents, but, people who want to respond are often at a real loss as to what to say or do. In person, a good hug usually works with close friends but that may not be appropriate with other friends or those not so close - co-workers, social friends. I have been in this position several times and it is very difficult to express care and concern in the proper words. With family, it is not so hard as they understand who I am and what I believe. As the OP said, the use of a single word can have very different meanings depending upon our specific backgrounds and beliefs.

I really believe 99.9% of the things said or done are for the right reasons, but, there can be a huge translation problem between the heart and the mouth.

[marylouise]

Amy, please don't think you offened me. To non-Catholics I'm sure some of the things we do seem strange.
And I hear what you said " who knows how I would feel now"
I once had a nurse tell me that a Mom said "now my rings have a bad feeling"
I had photographed her babies with them. I think anything would have a bad feeling at this time.
But you are so right" tread lightly when doing anything religious, especially if you don't know the person's belief system and/or it isn't the same as yours."
I know I am very careful when I select music for the slideshows, for that very reason.
Big hugs