How many children do you have?

[amburke2]

How do you answer seemingly inevitable questions about the number of children you have?

I'm new to both parenthood and bereavement (Timothy was born and died December 28, 2007), and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with people who don't know much about our situation. My first experience with it was last night. I was helping the college student group at church make Valentine's Day cards for a local nursing home, and had the following conversation:

Girl1: Amanda, you guys have kids, right?
Me: Uhhh...well, yeah, we have one.
Girl2: Oh, are you going to bring him to Baby-sitting Night on Saturday?
Me: Ummm, no...he died shortly after he was born.
Girl2: Oh, I'm sorry.
Me: That's OK.
(insert awkward silence here)

I've been thinking (and over-thinking) about it since then, and I realize that this type of question is something I'll have to answer forever, and I really don't know what to say. In retrospect, I probably freaked out more than they did, and I thought the other people handled it pretty well. (I know I didn't think about infant mortality when I was a 19-year-old college student. That's something that happens in developing countries, not here in the good ol' US of A where we have access to the miracle of modern medical science. What are multi-cystic kidney displasia and anhydroamniosis, anyway?)

So how have you talked about your children?

Thanks,
Amanda
Timothy's mom

[linda]

Since June 2006 I have never once not mentioned Ethan's name when asked the dreaded question. Over time you find your normal and will say it confidently - I promise! :) But it takes time. Oddly enough I am currently 7 months pregnant for the first time since I lost Ethan and now more than ever I have people ask that question. I don't ever fear their response, it will always be different.

What I did fear was that if asked that question and I only recognized my one living child that I would be dismissing my other in heaven. I don't believe the Lord wants me to dismis him, he gave him to me for a reason and maybe that is to simply bring light to others who don't realize that infant death is very common like you said and that it happens to the healthiest most protective mother's in the world and that no matter what medicine can't fix our sweet angels.

I hope you'll stay strong through this time and that you'll find your nitch whatever it be. We are all so different and once you find what works for you that is when you'll find that peace.

Many blessing to you and your family!

[Shelly]

Dear Amanda,
Linda's right....you will find the answer to that question that is right for you.

For me, it depends to whom I'm issuing the answer.....do I want to tell the little old lady in the supermarket my sad story? Usually not. In a more intimate setting, like your church situation, I would have discussed Madeline and Monique. I don't usually consider how the receiver is going to react to my response. If they ask, they should be prepared for the answer. And sadly, because of my own scar I no longer ask anyone about his/her child situation....because I may hear an answer which will make me cry.

I'm sorry for the loss of your precious Timothy. May you find peace and hope on this forum. The people here are so kind and caring!!!
Shelly

[PJBAC]

I can proudly say that I have 3 boys & one of them is our angel in heaven...and I call him by name...he will be included in our church's directory as "angel baby Boden"...he is/was real & I will always want people to know about my precious boy

[zoomitoons]

As others have mentioned, it gets somewhat "easier" to answer as time goes by. And once you know what/how you want to say it will also become easier to say the words without having to think about it first.
I answer "yes, I have 3 children and my youngest is an angel." Or, "I have 3 children, a 9yr old, 5 yr old and an angel" Also, I try to use names as much as possible, so I'll say something like "Jacob is 9, Evelyn is 5 and Olivia is our baby angel"
I also wear a necklace/dogtag that a friend had made for us with Olivia's picture on it and I get asked about it quit often. Some people react with shock and regret when they ask, however, I am now to a point that I can smile when I talk about her and always tell the person "it's OK, you didn't know" with a smile on, this tends to make them less uncomfortable. Some people will ask questions, others will drop the subject and talk about something else.
I had a lovely young lady who worked at the jewlery counter at Kohl's ask me the other day about my necklace. I had Evelyn with me so she knew I had children, and when she commented on how beautiful Olivia's pictures was and asked if it was Evelyn as a baby I smiled at her as did Evelyn and explained that no, it wasn't Evelyn but it was my youngest who passed away the day she was born. This young lady was so sweet and after apologizing a few times I asked her, "why are you sorry? If i didn't want people to ask then I wouldn't wear her picture for everyone to see" The relief on her face was gone and she asked me a few more questions before we had to go. It was so nice to be able to talk to a stranger without having that awkward feeling with the other person.

[pootersmom827]

I run into this question a lot, especially with me toting around two babies. I'm always asked how many kids? and everytime I say three, some people will say oh is the other with dad or something to that effect and depending on the setting I'll either say yes and keep walking or I'll tell them the deal. Me and a friend of mine had this discussion about a month after my last son Kameron was born, and she was like do you still count Kris as one of your kids, and I kinda just stared at her for a moment then i was like yes, he was breathing he has a name and a birth certificate, if you were to die today your mom would still say she has two daughters!!! I hate when people assume that just because the passed as a baby that they aren't considered a child.

[JenniferBrown]

As per my signature you guys know how many children I have. When I am asked how many do I have, the majority of the time I just say 3. To me, I know how many pregnancies I've had and how many babies I've had, I don't want to rehash my whole situation out to strangers. Those that know me well enough, they know that I have Angels in Heaven and on this earth. That's enough for me.

NOW Before I had my earthly children, I would simply answer "As of right now I've only been blessed with Angel babies who reside in Heaven". Yes that was hard to say but it was the truth. I found that my answer always followed with the typical "I'm sorry" or more questions. So, I just wouldn't answer it that way depending on whom asked.

This is just how I've had to deal with it myself. I don't want to be brought to the verge of tears with strangers. My babies earned their wings a long time ago and so for me it is easier to just keep them to myself (them being my angel's). I do talk about them lightly on here though. I guess it's a way for myself to safeguard myself.

[Cheryl Haggard]

A month ago, I was asked how many children do I have, and not wanting to get into a big discussion, I really wasn't in the mood, I said three. My friend that was standing by me, hit me and said..."She has four. And then she went on to tell her about Maddux..." I must admit, it was a wonderful feeling, to have her do that. To have her support...

[Jen Eagan]

I really don't get asked that much anymore- but like someone other said, it really depends who's asking and if I feel like getting into it. The first time I denied my daughter I almost threw up- it felt so wrong. So I had to figure out how to make it work without feeling as though I was ignoring her. Therefore, Kayla is my oldest, but my second baby. When I am talking with women about weight gain or anything to do with how many babies we have HAD, I always say four, and then of course I have to explain where my other child is- but I can easily say now that we had another daughter before Kayla who passed away. It still makes people feel awkward but I am comfortable talking about her and I think that helps them feel more at ease.
But for strangers- I say 3.

[motherofthree]

I have thought a lot about this. I think I'll answer "Two; one in heaven and one with me." I have only done this once, but I guess I'll see how it works. Kavya must be acknowledged!

[Babs]

For me it depends on the phrasing of the question, the situation and context. I actually find it harder as time goes on because I have this weird shame like I am somehow "pushing" him into conversation for he sake of mentioning him, even though I know that isn't true... this person ASKED me how many kids I have had.

[April Alvarez]

since my angels were all lost by 14 wks, I have nothing but assorted u/s photos to aknowledge they existed. And I have lost 8 babies. So I always say I have 5 kids, but I feel pangs of guilt when I say it. If I said 13 people would flip! And only one of our angels was even big enough to know the gender (a girl, her name is Rebecca). We had testing done on others but it came back inconclusive. I wish I could find my niche.
Jennifer (Brown) I am new here- I hope this isn't too personal for me to ask, how many angels do you have? Would you care to share your story, or do you have it somewhee I just haven't come across yet? Just wondering since it seems our stories may be similar.

[chloe leann's mommy]

I Never Know What To Say When Someone Asks Me If I Have Any Children Yet If You Say Yes Then You Haev To Tell Them What Happened And Why Shes Not Here. And If I Say I Dont Have Any Im Lying I Do I Have A Beautiful Daughter And I Want Everyone To Know Bu Then You Get This Awkward Feeling And Noone Knows What To Say I Dont Want Them To Feel Obligated To Say Im Sorry Or Give Me The Sympathy Look That Everyone Gives You Im Sure You Know What Im Talking About

[Rachelle Ludwinski]

I usually say six-ish (or maybe four-ish) I have one angel, two step-sons, and three "other" children. It's a hard question to answer because sometimes you just don't want to go into it.

[MelissaL]

I always say 3. One who's 4 one who's 2 and one who's an angel

[Estrella]

I always say 2 on earth and 1 in Heaven!

[JenniferBrown]

Jennifer (Brown) I am new here- I hope this isn't too personal for me to ask, how many angels do you have? Would you care to share your story, or do you have it somewhee I just haven't come across yet? Just wondering since it seems our stories may be similar.

Sorry, I didn't see this til just now. I've never really shared my whole story on here. I've had several miscarriages and simply prefer to call them my angels. :) I now have 3 children on this earth. It took 5 years of infertility and several miscarriages to have them. Once I got pregnant with my daughter, Miranda, there wasn't any problems. :) I have 1 girl and 2 boys now (on earth).

[Teresa Howell]

I was 19 when I lost my first baby. I had no clue I was pregnant and devastated after this miscarriage. At the age of 20 a sepcialist told me I would never carry a baby to full term. I would lose four more babies around 4months every time before giving birth to my first daughter, Whitney Lace, on Sept. 1, 1983. I had one more miscarriage before my second daughter, Lindsay Carol, Sept. 18, 1988. Both of my full term live births were very difficult pregnancies. I am a step mom to two daughters, Jessica, 22, and Nichole, 27.

[Madge]

I now say that I have eight living children. It helps *me* when I say it like that.

If somebody asks how many sons/daughter I have, I include Dekar in the count, but I don't mention that he is in heaven. If somebody counts and asks where the seventh son is I'll tell them what I feel comfortable with at the time.

I feel bad when I catch myself saying that I have eight children, or when I hear my dh or kids say something that doesn't include Dekar---but I understand it too. It's not a blatant disregard for him, and I know that they aren't purposely excluding him.

[marybethsmomma]

I tell people that I have six children and that my youngest daughter passed shortly after she was born. My openness has allowed other mothers to share their losses with me. It makes me feel good. For those who haven't gone through it, I get told I'm sorry and I say thank you and change the subject. Some tell me how strong I am. I will tell anyone and everyone about my little girl.

It may sound bad, but, I don't even think about my miscarriages anymore. They don't feel the same as they use to.

[katelyn]

I will usually talk about my angel Katelyn to those who I think are okay hearing my story. Some people I don't waste my breath on. Some people just don't care or don't know what to say when I say my Katelyn was born still. It takes a minute sometimes for it to sink in for people.

[suesam]

My answer to the question is I always say 1 angel that went to heaven. Then i get the ?'s from everyone. But I cant deny Kira.

[Marcus Momma]

I have been dealing with this question alot and i have yet to find a good way to answer it so i just answer it and let it go from there. If they don't like how I put it or feel ockward they just need to go.

[kiki1only]

I only have one and he's in Angel. Thats what I say for now lets see where life takes us.

[NoQuotaOnGrief]

That is such a toughie. (At some point I'll get around to introducing myself).

We lost our son 12/12/04 to a cord accident, so when ppl found out I was pregnant again and ppl would ask if it was #1, I would tell them no, this is #2 and that #1 was stillborn. This would generally end the unsolicited pregnancy advice.

I haven't left the house much since we found out #2 is terminal (Trisomy 13 and holoprosencephaly.) Trisomy 13 babies are TINY even @ full term and I'm already *Rubenesque* so I wasn't obviously pregnant until about 6.5 months. Now I just let them stare and say nothing. In some ways I don't want ppl to know because how horrible of a person must DH and I be to have been cursed with the loss of 2 children :eek: The last thing I want to hear is moldy oldy plattitudes... again @@. Once she is gone, I will probably say, "I have a son and a daughter, but God decided to take them from us" which should cut any religion BS conversation short....

I know people find me abrasive, but I don't care. Actually my brutal bluntless about our son (before I got pregnant again) has lead others to lead others to tell me their loss stories. I'm the one who has to attempt to function in a world where the fallacy that everyone who wants children has children, NOT the other way around. It seems darn near anyone can breed, but it takes a survivor to live in a world of repeated broken dreams. Now THAT would be a reality show I would watch!

We are considering adoption and I had someone pull the "I know exactly how you feel" routine on me so I asked her how many children she'd lost to bring her to that decision.....

As I'm sure you all have experienced, tragedy really shows you who your TRUE friends are and they know when you're having an abrasive day, LOL. My husband and I and my parents (MIL has some mental health issues, FIL passed in 2007 and the rest of family is pretty much estranged) are VERY close. We each have our BFFs who are VERY supportive.

[MayaAngel]

The first time I was asked that question, it was my first day back at work after my maternity leave. It had only been 4 weeks since losing Maya and my anxiety was through the roof...it was from a customer I was waiting on and I heard myself mutter "3" to her and instantly felt guilty. I felt like I had let Maya down...but I just didn't want to talk about the loss of my beautiful baby girl and bawl to this lady I'd never met. From now on I just say 4 and leave it at that....unless they ask for more information...which I think is just a loaded question lol...if they ask me, I tell them!! That's what they get for being nosey!! LOL

[Stephie84]

When someone asks me I PROUDLY say I have vashon he's 2 yr and " I Have my Very Own Angel"

[Laine]

I also have had multiple miscarriages and know that if I told people how many miscarriages I had, it would flip them out. So when I am asked, I will tell people that I have 'had' 4 beautiful babies, 1 boy and 3 girls; the youngest was stillborn and that I am also blessed with angel babies. I do this because I did actually 'have' Jennifer, she was actually born. With my miscarriages, I have lost babies at different stages of pregnancy, some named and some where I never knew the gender. They were as much my babies as the 4 that I had, but it was a little bit different to me when I carried to term, felt the other 4 move and went through labor and delivery vs losing them to a miscarriage. Before I came here, I never thought that I could have even asked for any of my m/c'd babies remains to have honored them as I would have liked to. Maybe that would have made it different. But for a 'head count', I will say 4 and explain that Jen was born still, but she was STILL born. But like it was already mentioned, it really does depend on who is asking & whether or not I feel like they 'need' to know. Sometimes I just say four.

[izzysmommy]

we've only been asked once so far if we have any children..and we failed as parents. we both said "no" right away then just looked at each other and felt horrible. next time we will answer differently. we will say "yes and she's perfect" then hope they quit asking questions. we're still learning. i'm getting ready to go back to work, i'm a server in a small wine bar, and everyone saw me pregnant. i was hoping that some of the clients would ask about me while i was gone, but they didn't. i'm trying to come up with some standard saying that will be automatic and that i don't have to put any emotion into. so..do i have kids .."yes, i have a little girl", ...how old is she.."she was born aug 10". how do you like being a mom..."its the hardest thing i've ever done"..., how's the baby..."she's perfect". things like that. this might not be the best way to handle things. but i don't really want to start crying into some old lady's pinot noir. so i'm going to try it out and if any of you come up with any other saying i can use. let me know...please.
but i also agree with whoever said that you have to answer in a way that you are comfortable with..and only you can decide what that is. if its too hard to talk about your angel with strangers then dont. or if you want to talk to anyone and everyone, then do that to. i think that our angels will understand that being down here without them is hard and they know that if we're talking about them or not WE know they were here and are missed GREATLY

[Tosha]

I have been saying " I have 7, 5 are with me and 2 watch over me from heaven" and it's what I will continue to say until the day I die (unless I have more children, then they will be included in the count)

[Jaydensmom]

This is such a difficult question. I often get asked when I am out at the store with my daughter. Is this your only child? I answer no, I have a little boy but he didn't make it home from the hospital. It usually prompts an "I'm so sorry" and I say thank you and move on. I agree with some of the prior posts, one time I answered that I had one, and immediately after I had tremendous guilt as though I had denied my son in heaven. We decided right then and there we wouldn't do that again. It was interesting to read what others say. Its a struggle we all have...

[kimbyt]

I also felt tremendous guilt when I didn't mention Bailey the first time (andlast time too!). I have come up with a standard line that so I don't get so emotional. But, if (oh please, God) I do happen to be blessed with a living child, I will say I have two. Just because they are not here with us on earth, we are still their parents. And we have done the hardest thing a parent will ever have to do- bury or cremate our child.

[smileyone6969]

for me when I am asked about kids I say 4 two girls here on earth and 2 in angels wings. this usally gets I am sorry or no response at all. I hate the quite silent responce.but Shyanne and Piper are my children as well even though they are not here with me

[Christiansmommy]

Last nite at dinner my husband called me mommy for the first time ever. He said something along the lines of way to go mommy- being lighthearted because i forgot to do something. And I honestly looked at him like what are you saying?!?! I have no other children except my baby boy in heaven and to never have been called mommy before, this was almost shocking. I will tell you it felt so good and I couldn't have been more proud than at that moment. I think about my baby nearly every minute of every day but I failed to think of myself as a mommy. Today I keep thinking... of course I am a mommy, just because my baby isn't in my arms, I am still his mommy and will be forever!

[bellamamma]

I just lost my first baby. Nobody has asked how many kids I have since my loss, but everyone has comforted me and tryed to help in saying you are a mom and will always have your daughter. That to me answers the question of course I will never forget Bella and she will always be my first born, hopefuly some day I will be able to say I have 2 children, 1 of which is an angel.

[Galee]

I am nearly six months postpartum following the birth/death of my first and only child. I have now been asked "do you have kids" more times than I can count. The first time I was asked if I had children, I was standing in line to be seated at a restaurant, literally 4 days postpartum and having a discussion with random strangers who were also in line. My husband and I automatically answered no and my mother, who was with us, had the bereaved look of restrained tears. Since that time I think I have answered it all different ways, depending on the place and situation.

What I have come to decide is that, yes, I have a child and, no, she is not living and I'm okay with that. As I become more confident in how I respond, I care less how others respond to me. I have made the personal decision that to answer "no" dishonors my daughter and her memory. It makes her "an elephant in a room" and that's not okay to me. I also realize that there is no right answer. This is what works for for me. What does matter is that it feels right to the person answering.

The experience of stillbirth is so personal and no one else can understand regardless. If you choose to keep it private, that's okay too.

[wills57]

well i have 5 no boys and the postman put his back out least week bringin me my phone bill