Little Critters...

[Cheryl Haggard]

Ok guys-this one will really make you laugh.
Though, of course, not me at the time...

I once was showing Maddux's DVD to someone here in Evergreen. (there will be no names) We were eating breakfast, and he put his fork down for just a minute, wiped a tear from his eye and said...

"I can see how you could get so attached. I do alot of work with orphaned animals, and when we lose a little critter, I feel the same way..."

Hello? What did you just say? WAS SCREAMING IN MY HEAD! Did he just call my son, who was created out of love, my baby that I carried in my womb for 9 months, the son that I held tightly to my chest as he lay dying, a little critter?

I think I bit my tongue so hard-I can still see the scar today. I wanted to reach across the table, and see my little hands wrapped around his throat. But of course, I didn't.

[Jen Eagan]

WOW.




Just- Wow.

wow.


You've got some serious restraints, girl.

[Deb Stoner]

heeeeeeeeeeeeee teeeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aa hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

[Sandy "Sam" Puc']

Cheryl,

That really is funny............
Sam

[Tammy]

I believe it's safe to say this dude was experiencing a severe case of LOKWTSS.
"Lack of knowing what to say syndrome":confused:
Or a major brain pffffffffttt........ LOL :eek:

[Megan Kitchin]

What a nut! I just don't understand people. I am sure you can laugh a bit now! He is so lucky you are such a strong woman. He deserved a pop in the nose! Ha! If only!

[Cheryl Haggard]

Of course, as I sat there biting my tongue, I had to realize, that this man, has NO children, no grandchildren. And can't relate to those that do. Does that make sense? He didn't know any better.

But this is just an example of how insensitive some people can be. Comparing the death of a baby to the death of an orphaned animal-or in Tammy's case-Selling a company compares to the loss of a child-(hello? Still really don't understand that one...) or Deb's senario-After losing Marah-get a puppy?(like a puppy really compares to her baby?)

So again-perfect examples of what NOT to say. Again, please understand-unless you too have personally lost a child, you will NOT understand the pain, grief and heartache.I have lost a child, but still can't imagine another parents heartache over the death of their child. It is so very, very deep...

I really feel that all of us here have connected so closely. Thank you for letting me share some of my thoughts. You all have such a special place in my heart...

[Jen Eagan]

I have lost a child, but still can't imagine another parents heartache over the death of their child. It is so very, very deep...

Cheryl-
You are SOOOOOO right. I actually was just telling one of my mom's this recently. Even though I lost my baby too- I will never understand just how she feels. Every one of our situations is different, even though the outcome is the same.

I actually had someone who HAD lost a child- his four year old son died of cancer- the last time he'd seen me I was pregnant and then he didn't see me for probably 9 months so we'd gone through everything with Hannah in between- anyway, I ran into him at the store and he asked where was my baby. I told him she'd passed away and this jerk (he was a jerk anyway, not only because of what he said) had the nerve to say to me, "Oh. Well, at least it happened when she was a baby" or something to that effect. As though it didn't hurt as bad as it would have had she lived longer. I just stood there speechless, I think with my mouth open, and I don't remember if I said anything in response, but I know I wanted to knock him to the ground and claw his eyeballs out. (I already couldn't stand this guy though, he had been my boss at one point and had taken some things I told him in confidence and used them to try and get me into trouble. A real winner all around.)

[Deb Stoner]

I had a similar situation after Marah died. There was a mom that lost her 18 year old daughter and I thought we would be able to relate on some level. Her comment to me was "at least you didn't get to know Marah". I feel like I DID know Marah. That comment was hurtful.

[Cheryl Haggard]

From Jen Eagan:
I actually had someone who HAD lost a child- his four year old son died of cancer- the last time he'd seen me I was pregnant and then he didn't see me for probably 9 months so we'd gone through everything with Hannah in between- anyway, I ran into him at the store and he asked where was my baby. I told him she'd passed away and this jerk (he was a jerk anyway, not only because of what he said) had the nerve to say to me, "Oh. Well, at least it happened when she was a baby" or something to that effect. As though it didn't hurt as bad as it would have had she lived longer.

Ok Jen-So, if that had happened to me, would it have been appropriate with this come back to the man...?
"Oh. Well, at least it happened when she was a baby"
"Would it have been easier on you, if you would have lost your son when he was an infant?" Or is that too callous?:confused:

[Jen Eagan]

I doubt he would have thought it was callous. I imagine he really believed it would have been easier on him had he lost his son as a baby.

But then- nothing would have been too callous for this guy.

[Kirk Kief]

Something to keep in mind, especially before this thread goes down a rocky road, is that the parent with the older children that passed, are also grieving the loss of their children. Granted, their comment to you was not appropriate for you, but, in their mind it was possibly a way to help them contend with their loss. Please keep in mind this is only my humble opinion.
Now, as far as the 'critter' guy. well, as they say, 'Every Village has an idiot'.

[Jen Eagan]

Kirk-
As I said, he probably really believed it would have been easier on him. I know he didn't say it to be mean, but it was certainly ignorant.

Speaking of ignorant- I have another one for ya...

The DAY Hannah died- we were at the hospital and came out of the NICU for the last time and passed the receptionist who we had spoken to nearly every day for a month. We'd been gone about three weeks, so she was surprised to see us.

Her: Hey, what are you kids doing back here? How's the baby?

Us: She passed away tonight.

Her: Oh, I'm sorry, but you still have your son (she got us mixed up with another young military couple who had a baby girl in NICU and they had a little boy).

Us: No, that was the- whatever their name was, I don't remember now.

Her: Oh. Well- you can still have more children.


OK- I know a lot of us have gotten the "you can have more children" comment- BUT- this is an employee at a Children's Hospital who works outside the NICU/PICU and no doubt is subject to dying children on a fairly regular basis- and for her to say that to parents who lost their child less than an hour or two before... is ridiculous and if I'd have had more strength I might have gone to her boss and complained. But- I was emotionally and physically exhausted, not to mention completely numb from shock- less than 24 hours before we had hope that this last surgery might actually work and I had woken up that morning with a good feeling that everything was going to be ok. So I had no reaction other than feeling even more hurt that she could be so heartless, and I just looked at her for a second before I walked away. People who are going to say stupid things like that have no business working near sick children or their parents.

[Tammy]

Totally agree with you on that one Jen. Hard enough having to deal with Hannah passing away, but then hearing a comment like that is absolutley unreal and from a staff member to boot. So sorry you had to go through all of that. {{Huggs}}

[Cheryl Haggard]

I personally think that medical staff need to be personally trained by those of us who have lost children. You can't learn this information from a book, or from another person, just because they hold a high degree. I admit, there are some wonderful and compassionate medical staff out there.

Jen-Was this nurse, younger or older? I think that most times, from what I have heard, and what others have shared with me, these remarks come from younger, inexperienced nursing staff.

Some of these nurses have never even been in a situation, where a baby had died around them before...

[Jen Eagan]

I don't think she was a nurse, she was the receptionist at the desk outside the waiting room. She would tell us if it was visiting hours, and kind of be a go between to the nurses if we needed to talk to them or something.

She was older than me, but not older. I was 21, so everybody was older. I don't know how old she was. I think 40's or 50's maybe? I just remembered this too- her daughter had Down Syndrome. I don't know if this contributed to her opinion or not.

[Tammy]

Cheryl~ I agree with you. This is a topic I've been wanting to post about, how medical personnel respond to and work with grieving families. You are right in saying there are some very good and very compassionate medical personnel out there. These are the people who put their hearts into their work, and genuinely care about what they do. Unfortunately on the other hand, there are those who are only there for the pay checks, and the quality of care they provide to patients/family prove it. This is so very sad in my opinion. Having worked in the medical profession for ten plus years, (actually twelve plus) I've personally seen both sides of the spectrum.
While attending nursing school (before I flunked out that is...yes I flunked nursing school, so sue me!! :p ) I do remember my OB courses. We studied infant/child bereavement very very briefly. (Who would have thought a few years later I would actually be living it) But in dealing with situations like infant loss... there is no possible way to learn how much of an impact it has on a family... until you have personally been there and experienced it, as we all have.

[Deb Stoner]

I was surprised to learn during my perinatal loss training that new nurses have very little experience with infant death. Most of them have never seen an infant that has passed away, let alone held one. This is why training of new staff is so important. Your nurse can really help make the time spent with your baby very memorable and meaningful just in the way they communicate verbally and nonverbally. They need to be shown how to present your baby to you (talking about all the little precious things about your baby-curly toes, dimple in chin, etc). If they are comfortable with holding, helping with bathing, etc. YOU will be too. I'm sure for some of us who have lost an infant, we were tentative about holding and spending time with our babies. It is the nursing staff that can encourage and show us that it is ok. It can make a world of difference in the short time you have to parent your precious bundle. I am volunteering at our hospital on a perinatal loss team that includes nursing staff. It is my personal goal to help nursing staff and grieving parents embrace the infants in their care. If you are a parent who has lost a child and are at a place in your grief where you feel you are ready to "do something" to help, this might be a place to start-your local hospital.

[Jessi Hill]

I think I would have HAD to say Cheryl's comeback.... HAD TO! I HATE the ignorance of a LOT of people. I had many tell me that it would have been better if Tristan would have been born still..... YEAH RIGHT! I am thanksfull for EVERY second I got with him... although it is never enough. They are our babies.... no matter how young or old (from the minute you find out til they are 100.... they are OUR BABIES!!!) We shouldn't have to see them die.

[George]

Reminds of the story a grieving mother shared with me. Her dog died earlier in the month before her son died of SIDS a few weeks later. "Wow!" says her "friend" trying to be compassionate. "You loss a dog and son in the same month. Those are the two worse things anyone can experience!"