Milestones

[Tammy]

I often sit and think about the milestones my children have surpassed at this point in their lives, and the ones that lie ahead of them. It's strange to me how I have acknowledged these milestones, but I am so focused on the ones I am not able to witness first hand with my son who is not with me physically. On the 25th day of every month, I find myself saddened at some point in the day. I know this saddness is stemmed from the fact that I miss my baby. It's difficult to explain to anyone why I'm this way.... so I don't even try.
The what should have been's haunt me everyday and although I have some how been able to move forward, the pain, the hurt and the emptiness of not having Chase here is always present, more so on the twenty fifth day of each and every month that passes.

[Erica Stone]

You're not alone, Tammy. As I see and hear about the things my nephew is doing (and how darn cute he is!) there is an incredible ache and empty feeling in my heart. The reality of what will never be is a killer. I originally thought that I would be going to the cemetary on the 7th of each month, but that hasn't really happened. I was going quite a bit early on, and whenever I do go, I find it really helpful. Like a crazy person I actually sit in front of his marker with my box of tissues and I talk to Matthew and I cry and I tell him I love him. Maybe you need to have some sort of ritual or something that you do on each 25th to help. I don't know, maybe light a candle or just spend some quiet time alone. Of course you miss Chase - don't feel like you have to explain your sadness to anyone.

[Jen Eagan]

I know what you mean. Sorry you're having a tough time.

For the first few months after Hannah died, every Wednesday was excruciating (is that spelled right?). I would dwell on how many weeks she'd been gone now. Then one day I realized I no longer remembered how many weeks without going and counting and realized I had made it through a Wednesday or two without a meltdown. Then of course I felt guilty because I felt like if I had even remotely begun to heal, it was a betrayal to her or something.

Anyway- I didn't have any rituals, I don't even have a cemetary to visit- but I agree with what Erica said. If you can find something you can do- a candle, a balloon, a walk in the park by yourself to just think about Chase- I don't know- it might start to help.

Nothing ever helped me but time. I have to do math even to figure out how many years it's been now- although my good friend and my cousin both have children born the same year as Hannah and they are 2nd graders this year. That was tough up until I think last year. Every time I saw these other kids I thought of where Hannah should be, but then one day I just saw the kids and wasn't reminded of her anymore.

I am sorry you are having a tough time, Tammy. We're here for you, and Erica's right (again) you never should feel like you have to explain your sadness.

{{HUGS}}
Jen

[Deb Stoner]

I remember getting through the monthly date was difficult at first and then it became "the season". Spring was hard because I always think of new life and little precious girls in spring dresses and bare feet. The first spring after Marah died, I followed around this lady in the grocery that had a little baby with black curly hair. I spied on them throughout their shopping trip, mindlessly dumping items in my cart. I remember wondering outloud if I was going crazy! I'm SURE I scared that poor woman out of her wits. I makes me laugh now. Gradually. with time, those days and seasons got a little easier. I like the idea of a ritual as well. I go to the cemetary a lot and work in the little garden there. It makes me feel like I'm doing something other than crying. Hang in there-gentle hugs to you--