"The Room"

[Sarah O'Neal]

I am not sure if this has been posted yet. What did you all do with "the room" and when if ever did you do it? I cleaned Teegan's room yesterday for the first time. I have straightened it, but never chemically cleaned or wiped her away. I hated doing it, but the dustier and mustier it got, the worse I felt. I can't ever imagine it not being her room, or the nursery ( it was Hank's nursery too, and the twins room before that). It is decorated in flowers and bugs, with trees painted on the walls. The grass is made from the kids green handprints painted at the base of the wall.

Enter room #2 . Ours. My husbands and mine, the room where the worst day of my life was bombed into my Monday morning. Somedays I feel such peace in there. I feel close to her, its where I read her books that sunday night, it's where I rubbed her down with Johnson's baby lotion, and where we snuggled down for the last time. Some nights I am terrorized. I may hear a siren out the window and then I am thrust back into the morning nightmare. The lights may hit the window over our headboard just right, and I see my fist smashing the window frantically trying to alert the medical personnel that we were upstairs. That they should beam themselves to our room, and rescue my blue baby. Sometimes its the rain on the window, that reminds me it wasn't raining that morning like I thought it was. It was the tears in my eyes, that I couldn't see through. Somedays it is so painful for me to go in there that we sleep on a mattress downstairs in the living room. All of us. Sometimes we do that for two weeks straight.

[Tammy Councilman]

Sarah,

God, how much my heart aches for you. My hands tremble just trying to type this email to you because the tears are falling so fast. Life comes at us in such a hurry I think I forget to slow down sometimes and realize how much pain and suffering goes on in the world, and not just our immediate loved ones but all those around us, and how many people need the support and love of others to get through it. I know you don't know me at all but I do want you to know I think of you often. I have a two year old son and we too went through a very scary time with him when he was just three weeks old. He came down with RSV and was in the hospital for four days. I never left his side, wouldn't even take a shower, for fear I would miss something. Reading your story I cried and cried. I think of all the nights we put Jeremy in our bed and propped him up with pillows next to us listening to him breathe. I lay him down to sleep in his crib some nights and I see your Teegan in my mind and my heart aches for you and I say a prayer for you.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this. May God always grant you the serenity and strength you need in times of despair and wrap His loving arms around you.


Tammy Councilman
Area Coordinator, Greensboro NC
www.portraitexpressions.org (http://www.portraitexpressions.org)

[linda]

Sarah, I can not imagine your pain or your grief. I know some people can but I can not! My heart breaks for you daily some times. I think of Teegan often and can only pray that she is with you and your family trying to help heal your broken hearts. I have no words to help with your pain all I can do is offer my thoughts and my prayers for the pain in your heart to soften and for you and your family to find some peace today!

[marylouise]

Sarah, my heart breaks for you. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hugs

[Kirk Kief]

If I could switch places with you, for even just an instant to give you a break from your grief, I would do it in an instant!

[Marcus Momma]

Wow. I am so sorry for what you went through and still are going through. My prayers and hopes are with you.

[Christine Barrack]

Sarah,
I just want to express my deepest sympathy. I don't think I have the words, only tears and an aching heart for you and your family.
I downloaded both of Teegan's shows and watched them just now. Teegan is such a beautiful angel. You have a wonderful family, your boys look so protective of Teegan in each image and so proud of her. I am in awe that you were able to take such precious images of your daughter. You are amazing!
My fist daughter was born still full term. My husband took everything that reminded him of her away as soon as we returned from finding out she had passed. I had to put it back as I was not ready to let go. I did dust and clean like I normally would. But I did not and have not washed her clothing and blankets for the past 13 years. They smell like her and it somehow makes me feel close to her and I find comfort in that. Even though we have moved since Victoria became an angel I still have some of her things out in our room. She is apart of me and who I am. I can't wash it away and neither can you. When you are ready to chemically clean her room, that is the right time to do it unless there is something that could harm someone else that came in contact with it.
I feel your pain and hurt for you. The path to healing is a painful journey that forever changes us. It does get better.
We are all here for you. I will be praying for you and your family to find comfort and peace.

[asquad]

I remember the day I cleaned Aaron's 'room'. (pretty much the changing table) I wrote about it here on my blog, ( http://theasquad.blogspot.com/2007/07/where-i-used-to-have-heart.html ) it was a lllloooonnnnnnnngggggg day! Sarah, I continue to pray for you. As Christine said, I don't have the words to take away your pain, only tears on your behalf to help bear some of your burden and take away some of your heartache.

XOXO
P