Tammy
10-13-2005, 04:18 PM
To my precious Baby Chase
Born August 25, 2005 5:02pm
Weight 4lbs. 11oz Length 12.25 inches
At around 7:30am the morning of August 25, I woke up and called your daddy at work telling him he should come home because you were ready to be born. Just like your brothers, we expected that you would come sooner than what the doctor told us. And that you did. You were four weeks early. I then called the hospital to let them know we were comming in. As soon as daddy got home, we woke your brothers up and got them ready to go to MiMi and Papa's house, then went to the hospital.
Once there, Mommy got settled in her room, the nurse came in and got me hooked up to the monitors. Your heartbeat sounded like music, so strong and healthy. The nurse smiled and said, "I think today is the day." Mommy and Daddy were so excited and happy you were going to be with us that night. We looked forward to seeing your brothers' faces when they finally get the chance to meet their new baby brother.
After a little while the doctor came in to check on us. He took an ultrasound to see what your presentation was, you were ready to be born. Everything was going fine, the doctor said we should go to the delivery room, and he would keep checking in periodically. Daddy started to make some phone calls to let family know we were going to have a new baby boy today. Doctor came in again around 10am to see how things were going.
The day went on. We walked the halls of the hospital to get things moving along. Around noon, daddy left to get mommy a few things from home, then came back a short time after.
Still, things were going fine. The nurse kept checking on us, and the doctor came in around 2pm to see how things were going. Your heartbeat was still strong as ever, and you were trying to make your way out of mommy and into the world to be greeted by everyone who loved you. The nurse made her final check before leaving for the day, and the nurse for the next shift came in to see how we were doing.
Then, at about 4pm, our world shattered.
Mommy remembers feeling a strong kick, like something broke inside of me. The nurse rushed in to check the monitors... nothing. She could not find your heartbeat. She had me roll over to my side and re-checked the monitors... still no heartbeat. She rushed out to call the doctor. With in what seemed like a blink of an eye, three OB doctors were in the delivery room. They brought in the ultrasound machine to see what was happening. One of the doctors looked at me with a look I will never forget.
I remember asking, "What's wrong? Is my baby alright?" No one answred me.
One of the doctors said, "We need to get this baby out RIGHT NOW!" Because I had not dialated much, it was decided to do an emergency c-section. The nurse explained you were in fetal distress, and that if they did not get you out right away, you would not make it through delivery.
After that, everything was a blur. I was rushed to the surgery room, I didn't even get a chance to give daddy a kiss before I went.
I remember moving over to the table, I remember looking over to my left and seeing my former co-worker from Respiratory Care, I remember the doctor telling the nurse to get anesthesia up here NOW! I remember him telling me he was giving me shots of Novocain, I remember feeling 2 or 3 painful shots in my stomach, I remember someone putting a mask on my face... after that, it was lights out. Sometime during the c-section, (I was later told) a code blue rang out over the hospital for labor and delivery, the doctor must have come out to tell your Daddy that things were not looking to good, and he should make some phone calls to have our family come up to the hospital as soon as possible, so he did.
When Mommy awoke, I was back in my OB room. I don't remember who was all in the room with me, I do remember seeing Daddy and your Aunt Amber, and Grandpa Terry. They all looked so sad and heartbroken, like something was terribly wrong, and there was something wrong, VERY wrong.
Everyone except your daddy left the room. It was then he told me those words that now to this very day, and will forever make my heart sink to the deepest depths of my being. Those words that no parent of a precious and beautiful new born baby ever want to hear, or acknowledge, or believe could possibly happen. He said that you hadn't made it, you had died before the doctors could get you out. He said they had tried for 15 or 20 minutes to incubate you, but it was all too late, and that you were gone. Mommy was still pretty heavily sedated, so I don't remember what my response was at that time.
I believe Pastor then came in to be alone with us. We prayed to God that he would accept you into His kingdom and we prayed God would be with our family during this trying time to comfort us.
After pastor had his time with us, the doctor came in. I remember the expression on his face was nothing less of deep sorrow and heartache. He explained to us what had happened with you. Your umbilical cord had been wrapped around your body, around your legs and up around your neck, cutting off your oxygen supply. He said in all his years of practice, he had never seen something like that, and by the time the caesarian was started, you were already gone... the doctors simply could not get you out in time. They had tried so very hard to bring you back to us, but there was nothing they could do. He told us that you would be going for an autopsy, when we were ready for you to go.
During the time this was all going on, you were with your family having your pictures taken. Daddy had gone to bring your brother Rorey up to see you, so he could meet you, and say his good-byes to you. He was so protective of you, making sure that everyone was holding you the right way... I wish I could have remembered that....
After a while, Daddy brought you in to me. He layed you on my chest. I looked down at you, and saw a perfect little angel, sleeping in my arms. You looked so perfectly at peace... my precious baby. I miss you so much...
Steve had come in to capture some images of us together... images that I will cherish for the rest of my life forever... I love you Chase... I will forever love you
The days that followed, I honestly can't remember what took place. I was released from the hospital on Sunday, August 28. The very next day was Chase's funeral service. It was like I was in another world, dazed, confused, heartbroken... it was like I was breathing, but not living, just going through the motions. I was in pain from the caesarian, and in anguish that my baby was not here with his mommy and daddy and brothers.
For the funeral, we decided at the last minute to have an open casket service; thanks again to Rorey. He and my in-laws had gone to the funeral home that morning to check on final arrangements. Rorey asked the director if his baby brother was there, when the director said yes, Rorey insisted on seeing Chase again. Rorey noticed something wasn't right with Chase's outfit and brought it to the directors attention immediatley. Keep in mind, this is a six year old... well, of course the director took care of it right away and Rorey was happy about that. He wanted everything perfect for his baby brother's funeral; and it was.
My in-laws came back to tell us that Chase looked like a little doll; they thought it would be alright to have an open casket service. That way, family who came from a far could see him. I'm thankful we did.
The service was very very difficult to go through, but we made it. At the end, Dan, I and the boys had a few moments to say our final good-byes. Rorey placed a small stuffed lamb, and a picture he had drawn in Chase's casket, kissed him, and said he would see him again someday. I couldn't have been prouder of my son Rorey, then I was at that moment. We are truly, truly blessed to have him and Jacob, they are both precious gifts. And Chase is a gift as well. Even though I was the only one who truly had the chance to know him while in my womb, he touched so many lives; ours, the medical staff, funeral home staff, our pastor, and many friends and neighbors who knew us. And I can tell you, from the way that child kicked and moved, he would have been just as spunky as his brothers.
Chase was buried in a cemetary about two miles from where we live, a nice walk down a quiet gravel road. He is home.
A couple weeks later, I gathered up enough strength (or so I thought) to go pick up Chase's images and dvd from Steve. I met a friend outside the studio who came in with me, I felt I needed extra support at that moment. Steve came out with a small box. Immediatley I felt the tears start to weld up, (as they are now) because I knew what he held in his hand was all I had to remember my precious baby by. He started to tell me what he was giving; but I was not hearing him. I could see the tears in his eyes as well, so I got up and gave him a hug and told him thank you for what he had done. It was very emotional for us both. That was when I broke. My friend with me called my family because I could barely walk out of the studio. Thank God for family and friends....
It's now been about two months since Chase passed away. I think about him everyday, wondering what he would be like, the changes he'd be going through... I think about all the things that are associated with being a mother of a new born baby. At the same time, I try to stay focused on what my other two sons need. Somedays are easier than others, but I just take one day at a time. When I have a real bad day, I get on my computer and go to the NILMDTS site, and type my thoughts and feelings out there. I usually feel better after I do. When I go back later, there are responses. It feels good to know there are people who care and understand. Just knowing there is somewhere I can go to express these feelings, without having to worry about making someone feel uncomfortable or helpless because they don't know what to say, is a great comfort to me.
My thanks to all the members of the NILMDTS team for being here with their support, and for allowing Chase's memory to be known and remembered. I thank you with all my heart.
In Loving Memory of our Son Chase Allen Becker August 25, 2005
Born August 25, 2005 5:02pm
Weight 4lbs. 11oz Length 12.25 inches
At around 7:30am the morning of August 25, I woke up and called your daddy at work telling him he should come home because you were ready to be born. Just like your brothers, we expected that you would come sooner than what the doctor told us. And that you did. You were four weeks early. I then called the hospital to let them know we were comming in. As soon as daddy got home, we woke your brothers up and got them ready to go to MiMi and Papa's house, then went to the hospital.
Once there, Mommy got settled in her room, the nurse came in and got me hooked up to the monitors. Your heartbeat sounded like music, so strong and healthy. The nurse smiled and said, "I think today is the day." Mommy and Daddy were so excited and happy you were going to be with us that night. We looked forward to seeing your brothers' faces when they finally get the chance to meet their new baby brother.
After a little while the doctor came in to check on us. He took an ultrasound to see what your presentation was, you were ready to be born. Everything was going fine, the doctor said we should go to the delivery room, and he would keep checking in periodically. Daddy started to make some phone calls to let family know we were going to have a new baby boy today. Doctor came in again around 10am to see how things were going.
The day went on. We walked the halls of the hospital to get things moving along. Around noon, daddy left to get mommy a few things from home, then came back a short time after.
Still, things were going fine. The nurse kept checking on us, and the doctor came in around 2pm to see how things were going. Your heartbeat was still strong as ever, and you were trying to make your way out of mommy and into the world to be greeted by everyone who loved you. The nurse made her final check before leaving for the day, and the nurse for the next shift came in to see how we were doing.
Then, at about 4pm, our world shattered.
Mommy remembers feeling a strong kick, like something broke inside of me. The nurse rushed in to check the monitors... nothing. She could not find your heartbeat. She had me roll over to my side and re-checked the monitors... still no heartbeat. She rushed out to call the doctor. With in what seemed like a blink of an eye, three OB doctors were in the delivery room. They brought in the ultrasound machine to see what was happening. One of the doctors looked at me with a look I will never forget.
I remember asking, "What's wrong? Is my baby alright?" No one answred me.
One of the doctors said, "We need to get this baby out RIGHT NOW!" Because I had not dialated much, it was decided to do an emergency c-section. The nurse explained you were in fetal distress, and that if they did not get you out right away, you would not make it through delivery.
After that, everything was a blur. I was rushed to the surgery room, I didn't even get a chance to give daddy a kiss before I went.
I remember moving over to the table, I remember looking over to my left and seeing my former co-worker from Respiratory Care, I remember the doctor telling the nurse to get anesthesia up here NOW! I remember him telling me he was giving me shots of Novocain, I remember feeling 2 or 3 painful shots in my stomach, I remember someone putting a mask on my face... after that, it was lights out. Sometime during the c-section, (I was later told) a code blue rang out over the hospital for labor and delivery, the doctor must have come out to tell your Daddy that things were not looking to good, and he should make some phone calls to have our family come up to the hospital as soon as possible, so he did.
When Mommy awoke, I was back in my OB room. I don't remember who was all in the room with me, I do remember seeing Daddy and your Aunt Amber, and Grandpa Terry. They all looked so sad and heartbroken, like something was terribly wrong, and there was something wrong, VERY wrong.
Everyone except your daddy left the room. It was then he told me those words that now to this very day, and will forever make my heart sink to the deepest depths of my being. Those words that no parent of a precious and beautiful new born baby ever want to hear, or acknowledge, or believe could possibly happen. He said that you hadn't made it, you had died before the doctors could get you out. He said they had tried for 15 or 20 minutes to incubate you, but it was all too late, and that you were gone. Mommy was still pretty heavily sedated, so I don't remember what my response was at that time.
I believe Pastor then came in to be alone with us. We prayed to God that he would accept you into His kingdom and we prayed God would be with our family during this trying time to comfort us.
After pastor had his time with us, the doctor came in. I remember the expression on his face was nothing less of deep sorrow and heartache. He explained to us what had happened with you. Your umbilical cord had been wrapped around your body, around your legs and up around your neck, cutting off your oxygen supply. He said in all his years of practice, he had never seen something like that, and by the time the caesarian was started, you were already gone... the doctors simply could not get you out in time. They had tried so very hard to bring you back to us, but there was nothing they could do. He told us that you would be going for an autopsy, when we were ready for you to go.
During the time this was all going on, you were with your family having your pictures taken. Daddy had gone to bring your brother Rorey up to see you, so he could meet you, and say his good-byes to you. He was so protective of you, making sure that everyone was holding you the right way... I wish I could have remembered that....
After a while, Daddy brought you in to me. He layed you on my chest. I looked down at you, and saw a perfect little angel, sleeping in my arms. You looked so perfectly at peace... my precious baby. I miss you so much...
Steve had come in to capture some images of us together... images that I will cherish for the rest of my life forever... I love you Chase... I will forever love you
The days that followed, I honestly can't remember what took place. I was released from the hospital on Sunday, August 28. The very next day was Chase's funeral service. It was like I was in another world, dazed, confused, heartbroken... it was like I was breathing, but not living, just going through the motions. I was in pain from the caesarian, and in anguish that my baby was not here with his mommy and daddy and brothers.
For the funeral, we decided at the last minute to have an open casket service; thanks again to Rorey. He and my in-laws had gone to the funeral home that morning to check on final arrangements. Rorey asked the director if his baby brother was there, when the director said yes, Rorey insisted on seeing Chase again. Rorey noticed something wasn't right with Chase's outfit and brought it to the directors attention immediatley. Keep in mind, this is a six year old... well, of course the director took care of it right away and Rorey was happy about that. He wanted everything perfect for his baby brother's funeral; and it was.
My in-laws came back to tell us that Chase looked like a little doll; they thought it would be alright to have an open casket service. That way, family who came from a far could see him. I'm thankful we did.
The service was very very difficult to go through, but we made it. At the end, Dan, I and the boys had a few moments to say our final good-byes. Rorey placed a small stuffed lamb, and a picture he had drawn in Chase's casket, kissed him, and said he would see him again someday. I couldn't have been prouder of my son Rorey, then I was at that moment. We are truly, truly blessed to have him and Jacob, they are both precious gifts. And Chase is a gift as well. Even though I was the only one who truly had the chance to know him while in my womb, he touched so many lives; ours, the medical staff, funeral home staff, our pastor, and many friends and neighbors who knew us. And I can tell you, from the way that child kicked and moved, he would have been just as spunky as his brothers.
Chase was buried in a cemetary about two miles from where we live, a nice walk down a quiet gravel road. He is home.
A couple weeks later, I gathered up enough strength (or so I thought) to go pick up Chase's images and dvd from Steve. I met a friend outside the studio who came in with me, I felt I needed extra support at that moment. Steve came out with a small box. Immediatley I felt the tears start to weld up, (as they are now) because I knew what he held in his hand was all I had to remember my precious baby by. He started to tell me what he was giving; but I was not hearing him. I could see the tears in his eyes as well, so I got up and gave him a hug and told him thank you for what he had done. It was very emotional for us both. That was when I broke. My friend with me called my family because I could barely walk out of the studio. Thank God for family and friends....
It's now been about two months since Chase passed away. I think about him everyday, wondering what he would be like, the changes he'd be going through... I think about all the things that are associated with being a mother of a new born baby. At the same time, I try to stay focused on what my other two sons need. Somedays are easier than others, but I just take one day at a time. When I have a real bad day, I get on my computer and go to the NILMDTS site, and type my thoughts and feelings out there. I usually feel better after I do. When I go back later, there are responses. It feels good to know there are people who care and understand. Just knowing there is somewhere I can go to express these feelings, without having to worry about making someone feel uncomfortable or helpless because they don't know what to say, is a great comfort to me.
My thanks to all the members of the NILMDTS team for being here with their support, and for allowing Chase's memory to be known and remembered. I thank you with all my heart.
In Loving Memory of our Son Chase Allen Becker August 25, 2005