A good and bad day

[Erica Stone]

So I had an appointment for a level II ultrasound today with the high risk specialist. Tom took the day off from work to go with me, as this was an "important" one. When my quad screen came back abnormal with Matthew we were on such a roller coaster ride, being told some things looked fine, but others looked normal. (I had an amnio that came back perfect, as well.) This time, I decided that since technically I was high risk anyway and would have a level II, I would forego any testing this time around.

I hadn't really been thinking about it too much until this week, and then I got really nervous last night. Also, I had some residual questions I wanted him to answer about Matthew's autopsy and I even wrote out a list. Since this doctor is one of the top specialists in Denver, I went to 3 different hospitals to see him last time around. Today my appointment with him was in the hospital where I delivered Matthew. OK, no problem because the office is actually in a different building.

Well it wasn't a problem until they sent me to ultrasound which is in the maternity wing in the hospital. I was still sort of OK until I realized that I was walking right in front of the room where I had him. And then down the hall past Sandy's beautiful portraits, the same hall I walked down to go see my tiny boy when I had finally mustered up an once of courage. (Almost to the room where they had him, in fact.) So here I am trying not to have a full on meltdown - just leaking - as I'm watching this ultrasound. Then the doctor comes in and I start all over again. I thought I'd be all right, and then I get thrown again.

I didn't think today would be so emotional. (It took me about ten minutes to get this all typed!)

The good news is that this baby looks fine at this point. We even got to see one of those 3-D u/s images.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Oh Erica, I really can understand how you feel. But, you did it! And I'm sure it is bittersweet, walking past the room you delivered Matthew in, carrying a new life inside of you ~ and you are a bundle of hormonal emotions anyway. Know that I am always here for you. I'm sure Matthew was with you and Tom today, as you saw his baby "brother" for the first time. (yes, Michelle-you read that right...) Still have that bet going... Erica-do you even know what we are talking about??? LOL:p
Much love, friend..
Cheryl

[Megan Kitchin]

Erica,
I am so glad for you that the ultrasound went well! I know it was HUGE for me everytime we had an ultrasound and my cervix hadn't opened and Graham was ok. I always just held my breath!

Walking by the room you had Matthew in is a very hard thing to go through. But you did it and that is quite a large step in the grief process. For me, when I went back to that room for the first time, I was still numb and just took it all in. I had been admitted to the MOMU for the twins and had been on a stretcher or in bed the entire time. So it was odd to see everything standing up.

Then while pregnant with Graham, I went into pre-term labor and was re-admitted to the MOMU, just two doors down from the room I had been in for my twins. I was horrified, but at the same time needed to do what I could for this pregnancy. Then, one day I was returning to bed from a trip to the restroom and saw the light in the warmer (the place they take the babies once they are born to clean them, etc.) room was on. I lost it!!! Thankfully, my husband was there because I think I would have completely dropped to the floor otherwise. It was as if the day everything happened with my twins was being relived yet again. But this time up close and personal and with all of the emotions I had worked so hard to deal with came flooding back as if it were happening again. I remember laying in bed (with the twins) and just watching that light come on, knowing what it meant and that when Zane and Grayson were in there, they would probably be angels in Heaven. When we left Grayson and Zane at the hospital, we left them in that warmer room with a nurse who put them in one of the warmers to keep them warm. Anyhow, being pregnant with Graham, seeing that light come on, I could no longer surpress the emotions I had been keeping deep inside me in order to get through this pregnancy. And I couldn't handle the idea of yet another son being in that room. After Craig got me to bed, he went to the nurses station and asked them to turn the light off. It turns out that my room was the only room in which it wasn't a warmer. They were using it as a storage closet and someone had gone in to get something and left the light on. After apologizing profusely, our nurse put up a sign on the outside door to ask anyone who entered to turn the light of after they left.

I think it was just the shock of everything and the flashback so vivid and emotionally draining. Let's just say, my doctor had me discharged 2 days later. I could be on bedrest at home as easily as I could in the hospital. My cervix was holding and they were able to get my contractions to slow down. I was not leaving another child in that room!

Needless to say, Erica, you handled it much better than I. It is ok to be totally emotional! You are entitled after all and it is good for you to get it all out (I mean the tears, as you will never stop grieving) so you can continue to look toward your new little one.

Do you know if Matthew has a new brother or sister? Congrats! I am so glad everything looks good!

[Erica Stone]

Thanks so much for your support...

Handled it better than you, Megan? I don't know about that! Pre-term labor in the same hospital must have been pretty scary for you. All I did was walk past a room! The situation was just there and I reacted. (Made it kind of difficult to concentrate on the u/s at the time, just 50 feet down the hallway... only later did I feel a little better about what the doctor said.)

PS Cheryl - I think it's mean of you to tease me like that and keep me in the dark.:p

[Megan Kitchin]

Erica,
Walking past a room is a pretty momentous event when it is THE room!!! Especially while on the way to see how your new little one is doing!

So were they able to take video of the 3-D Ultrasound?

[Erica Stone]

No video, but they got some cool pictures with the 3D kind - the baby is a little small to get really good detail, but I never thought I'd get one of those anyway. I never know what the heck I'm looking at on the regular u/s to begin with!