Does anybody feel like other people use your loss for their own needs?

[Jen Eagan]

I've read many threads and talked with lots of people who's mom's just don't understand and are very insensitive towards their loss.
My mother-in-law on the other hand I feel has used our daughter for her own sympathy and attention (she's quite a milker). She ignores my three living children probably 95% of the time- but still goes on and on about Hannah and how devastated she was and still is- when her friends are around to give her the old "poor you". She will do literally anything to get attention for herself, it's really kind of pathetic. But I really seriously resent the fact that she is able to whip up her crocodile tears in my daughter's name- anytime she feels that she is not the center of attention- as though she really lost this huge part of her life (as I said- she completely ignores my other kids the majority of the time).

It's not worth the confrontation, since we rarely see her- but she treats me like garbage and acts like she has no idea why I have any negativity towards her at all. Always the victim.

OK vent over. If anybody has this kind of family member, please feel free to share your story so I don't feel like the only one with the Monster-in-Law.

[motherofthree]

Jen,

In most circumstances, my mother is like this. The first thing she did after she got the news that we were going to lose our baby was to call me and tell me how horrible it was for her and how it would was bringing up so many memories of my deceased brother. Ummmm....I was the mother and she was calling me for sympathy??? I was frankly surprised that after the baby shower she didn't act like it destroyed her. But I certainly didn't expect her to act like she was upset because we didn't fill her in on why I was crying! She was even upset because we didn't mention her by name in the obituary - I have a split family three fathers, a mother, many grandparents...my husband has a large family with long, Indian names...it would have been like the "begats" chapter in the bible! So I just named relationships instead of specific names.

Anyway I can definitely relate - it's just that is was my mother insead of a MIL.

[CrystalW]

Jen... my mother in law is very similar to this. Only 10x worse. She has always used everything to get attention. Her husband (Kents dad) passed away when Kent was 4. She completley ignored the fact that Kent and his brother (whom acts just like her) just lost their dad. All of their life it has been pooor poor Shelly. And they were getting a divorce AND she was living with another man!!! She is probably one of the most horrible people I have ever met! She told me 4 days before Addison passed away that I would "get what I deserve" To this day she has never said sorry to me that I lost my daughter. She even tried to get Kent to have me thrown in jail (before Addison) She is addicted to pain pills and alcohol. On the day Addison was born while I was being transferred in an ambulance she went to the casino. And she came to see Addison reaking of alcohol. She called us a week after Addison's funeral and wanted to know WHY the thank you cards had not been sent out. I proceeded to tell her that my daughter died and I will mail out Thank you card when I am **** good and ready. And if I never get ready then thats fine. HA! She is all about what people think. I do not know ANYONE who EXPECTS a Thank You. She wrote Kent an email saying that he hasn't experienced anything worse than anyone else because she lost her husband (even though she was living with another man) and her brother. And her mother has lost practically 3 sons. Blah blah blah. I just don't believe any one person who has lost a child has any worse grief than any other who has lost a child. She has no room to talk considering she has not lost a child!! She also through a FIT because we did not have a Catholic funeral. I am not Catholic and Kent is baptised Catholic but he does not go to church. We had a preacher who I am very close to personally. I work for a Dr and its his Uncle. Anyways.. the list goes on and on. We decided after Addisons death that she was too toxic for our lives. We have not talked to her. Its sad but we just cannot have it. Well that was a very long reply. lol ;) Oh I just HAVE to mention that she tries to tell Kent all the time that she is going to DIE! UGH! Shes been going to die now for years! She would try and tell him to decide what of hers he wants because she is going to die soon. And text him that her dr said not much longer. I once told her that everyone will die eventually. I know its mean but I couldn't bite my tongue any longer. Oh my my! I must not go on! But you aren't alone! Now that I wrote a novel! lol Sorry!

[Cheryl Haggard]

You don't want me to get involved in this conversation...

Just remember, you are all not alone. Look at what your children have brought into your lives, what kind of person you are because of them, and leave the rest alone. It is not worth the effort, heartache or disappointment. Even those, who you thought had the best heart and intentions, can turn on you with a seconds notice. Pull those who can see your child and hear your pain, close to your heart and don't let them go.

[Marcus Momma]

Well My mother in law hates me. She doesn't use Marcus for sympathy you wanna know what she did? My husband called her the night MArcus was born to tell them they need to come see him because he was getting sick. They said NO. Well when he called to let them know Marcus passed away they had the nerve to ask my husband if it was even his baby? What? I could not believe they said this to a father whos baby had just died and he was calling his parents for comfort and find none. If it weren't for my mom and dad acting like his parents he wouldnt have made it through this. I was surprised they came to the funeral. But she did pour out the tears to all of her family that came to pay thier respects like she was really tore up. Was she? I don't know I don't see how she was she denied it was her grandchild, and by the way there is no chance it could have been someone elses child. She just wanted it to be because I speak my mind to her and don't care what she thinks. She wasn't even in the room when the priest started talking and they started playing the music during the service. Now my husbands dad was in there at this time. I wish she wouldn't have even come if she was going to fake tear it. His dad came and gave me a hug when he came into the funeral home. I haven't spoke to them in like 3 years. I think his dad is tired of not getting to see his grandchildren because of his wife. I have two other kids and when I had both of them they did the same thing denied them until I took paternity tests to throw in their faces. It hurt me so bad the way they treated us in this very touchy and horrible time in our lives. I wonder how she would feel if she went through the same thing with her mother in law after she had lost a child. I will hate her for what she did and said that day. We are getting along better than we were but I only think its because she feels guilty after seeing how much Marcus looked like my husband and my husbands brothers baby. I don't want her to do this because she feels guilty I want her to do it because she wants to grow up and see her grandchildren and have a normal life.

[Cheryl Haggard]

http://haggardfamily.blogspot.com/2008/04/my-portrait-of-grief.html

Here is a little something I posted on my blog. Those who are close to me and have read it, know who it applies to...(nobody active on this forum...)

[owens_mom]

My sister and I have a similarly unhealthy relationship. She doesn't overtly use the loss of my son to gain sympathy, but she is a drama queen who can not stand for anyone else to have attention. Normally, I am perfectly fine with it. And actually, I still am. I don't like being the center of attention.

Summary of her behavior leading up to Owen's passing:
Last 5 years - december 07 = living on the charity of parents while attending college, which they payed for because she lost her scholarship, and she refused to take out a student loan (i payed for my own school with them, but she is too good for that)
october 07 = I have a seizure at 18 weeks gestation and go on light duty at work, with no drivers licence. Which means I am basically being shuttled back and foreth between mom and husband for the next 6 months
december 07 = she moves home, expecting a big time job making more than mom or I make.
february 08 = she still no job and no prospects, but still living on the charity of mom, not paying for anything, her cell phone, her car insurance, her credit card - (that she uses way too much and without consideration.)

Feb 19 - We discover Owen has passed.

She visits the hospital once prior to his delivery, but is 'too tired' to come back and see him when he arrives.

I go home. My mom gets very sick, stress makes her blood sugar go to over 600. She starts insulin but it will not bring it down. My sister is being an insufferable -censor- to my mother, telling her she is lazy, fat, she needs to quit smoking.

So when I have to be shuttled back to her house to visit the doctor, I confront my sister on it. The financial and emotional stress that she is putting on my mom is only making her sugars worse. She has the nerve to tell me that I am the reason her life is so terrible, I made her my slave, all she ever did was babysit and drive me around. (she babysat my daughter twice in the last year and drove me home from work three times, and I payed her to do those things) This is 2 weeks post loosing my son and like 20 minutes before I am supposed to go back to the hospital for a preliminary autopsy result.

She kept screaming at me and then dropped another big lie that she knows pushes my buttons and I haven't spoken to her since.

I know you aren't supposed to make lifelong decisions when you are deep in grief, but I am not planning on 'ever' speaking to her again unless she admits she lied and says she is sorry.

The anger that I have for her now is not one of those firey hatreds that people make up and are closer than ever from. It is one of those cold and exhausted surrenders. I give up. If she has so little love and respect for me that she could behave that way during my darkest hour... I do not need her anymore.

Anyway, the point is, I share the 'pathetic family' encounters with you. And I think it is worse than having a stranger say something insensitive, because these are the people who are supposed to love and support us the most.

-Stephanie

[Cheryl Haggard]

You expect sympathy, compassion and understanding from those you think should be closest to you. When you don't get it, you are hurt and rightly so, angry. And yes, I speak from experience. If only they could walk in our shoes, for one minute...understanding would be known.

[HAINAngel2000]

I wasn't going to post on this because much it I have moved passed or at least learned to deal with realizing that not everyone understands our pain because they don't walk in our shoes. But this post floods back memories of 4 different people. 1 is a phyco.
One was one of my sisters: When I was in the hospital (on my birthday) and I was pregnant with Mariah we weren't sure if I was going to carry her longer. Well anyway my sister was going to get married I believe the next month looked straight at me and said "I wish you would go ahead and loose this "thing" so you can be my bridesmaid" I was devistated. I was so into shock I still to this day get a burn in my throat and tears stream down my face. I have never confronted her with this. She has many times in the past said mean things, so it wasn't new.
Two: The phyco cousin of mine pretended Mariah was her baby. Since she was setting up most of the funeral plans I had no idea she was pretending Mariah was hers to the funeral home so she could get the sympathy from them. I didn't know this at first or I would have said something. It wasn't until almost a year later. Still to this day they do not know I don't think.. She grieved over my baby and lays things on her plot and in her mind I think she thinks Mariah is hers. Its wierd. (Long story, to long for here)

And another person I will not mention and many of you have experianced here said "I lost a baby to you know" and she said something like you'll get over it.
The last but not least was one of the nurses the next day after losing Mariah came to draw blood. She didn't even try for a blood vain prior. She shoved the needle in my upper arm (like when you work on people whom passed away) and she looked at me like I was a slime ball. She was rude and walked out! I know this was not a comment to me, but the way I was treated after losing my baby was like I was a monster by her.
Anyway there are always more people, but this is the ones that have hurt me where it still comes to my attention.
But going through this helps us feel more compassion for others, because like Cheryl said it makes us better people and more compassionate!

[Marcus Momma]

That brings up something. It doesn't pertain to when Marcus passed away but about 2 months ago I went to the doctor to have a blood pregnancy test done to make sure I wasn't pregnant before I started birth control again. (Part of me was wishing I was I would have been so happy) When the nurse took me back to see what I wanted I told her and she said Well how long has it been since you started. I was late. Then she asked if I was using protection and I said no and she got this "Your crazy look" and shook her head in disgust and said wait here I will have the doctor come in and talk to you about it. I was in shock that she could be so rude only 2 months after Marcus died. The thing is I had told her I just had a baby 2 months ago and thats why she was acting like that but I didn't tell her I lost him because I didn't want people feeling sorry for me and I didn't think she would have treated me like that anyway. I almost started crying right there because I thought I did something wrong. I didn't tell my doctor I was too upset but she was sympathetic and didn't blame me for wanting a test first. I would die if I lost a child because of taking pills. Which I have done once I didn't know I was pregnant but I am pretty sure I mis carried before I got pregnant with Marcus I was to scared to go find out.