Picking favorites

[Ashley St. Germain]

For those of you parents who have lost a baby and have other children living, do you find yourself getting angry at times with the children who are with you? Do you ever feel closer to the one you lost? Older children learn to talk back, to get into trouble, to be selfish, to show their human side. But a baby... a baby that has died... they can never do any wrong in your eyes. Do you feel you pick favorites sometimes?

[George]

It is normal to idolize the deceased child for the reasons you mentioned: He never did anything wrong, he never talked back, he died as baby, etc...

While we will always love our deceased children with all our hearts, I realize that had she lived, my daughter probably would be a normal child that does all the things my living children do.

As my children get older, I may have a different attitude, but right now, my daughter's death made me realize how incredibly precious children are and I try to treat my living children as I would my daughter if she were alive.

[Cheryl Haggard]

I sure do get frustrated with Chase, Anna and Natalie...But I ALWAYS think that if Maddux were alive, he too, would be right in the middle of it all! I also think that, like Chase and Anna 2 1/2 years apart, Maddux and Natalie - 5 years apart..., would be like cats and dogs. Natalie would be 'sick' of him by now...It does bring a smile to my face.

Off topic, but here is how my mind thinks, my normal now...Natalie had a school program last night...about the rainforest...lots of bright colors, cute, wild animals. Maddux should have been there...running around. Wide eyed with all that was going on. Me pulling my hair out, trying to control him. (he would have kept me young...and skinnier, running after him)I truely could picture him there...

[Vicki]

Cheryl,

My guess ( and this is just my thoughts) is that Maddux was there last night because you pictured him there. Maybe that is part of what heaven is like, being able to be anywhere with anyone at anytime . . .
I love the first verses to Brad Paisley's song: When I Get Where I'm Going"

When I get where I'm going
on the far side of the sky.
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly.

I'm gonna land beside a lion,
and run my fingers through his mane.
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

Maybe Maduux got to be part of all the bright colors of last nights school program . . . Maybe we are all so deeply and infinitely connected that there is really nothing that separates us but time . . .

Maybe none of this made any sense either . . .

Ya'll are great moms!!!!

[Cheryl Haggard]

Maybe we are all so deeply and infinitely connected that there is really nothing that separates us but time . . .

I like that...

[motherofthree]

Maybe we are all so deeply and infinitely connected that there is really nothing that separates us but time

I truly believe this. But will add something more. I believe we are all still connected with our children on a spiritual level. Nothing can sever the bonds that we have - not even death. I think the only thing separating us from our angels is the anchor of our earthly bodies.



Do you ever feel closer to the one you lost?

Yes...but I have figured out that what I had with Kavya was much more intense because we had to try and squeeze a lifetime into two hours. It was intense, and pure. But different - I don't love Priya any less; just a little different. In fact, Kavya re-taught me the definition of love, and I think I love and appreciate Priya more because of the things Kavya taught me.

[Marcus Momma]

I find myself getting angry easy at my daughter. But my son Josh it sometimes seems he can do no wrong and I believe its because him and Marcus looked so much alike and they were both boys. I don't wanna feel like that though because my daughter almost died to and I had spoiled her because of it. I am not as much now but there are times.

[Mitra]

This may turn in to a ramble... just to warn you...

Although I miscarried almost 2 1/2 years ago-- and 6 mths before I became pregnant with Giuliana I dont think that I treat her any differently then I would have had I never lost my 1st baby. I think you treat each child differently because they treat YOU differently. You have a different relationship and bond with them then you do the other children in your family.

However (this is where I may ramble ) my daughter's brother ( same dad, different moms) was killed 3 1/2 years ago, when he was only 2 years old. I think Stephen, her Father, and his family treat Giuliana differently then they do anyone else. Especially Stephens Mother, Lori. Lori had a very speical bond with Vance, and when he was killed a big part of her was burried with him. Since Giuliana (Shes 14 mths), I have noticed that shes more lively. Shes happier. She drinks a lot less. But she still has her moments, as does Stephen.

My point is this.. because Im noticing that Im not making one.... I think they may over compinsate for Vance not being here. Stephen is more nervous or scared that something or someone will happen to Giuliana and then both of his children will be gone. Stephen is sad and guilty and that makes him this way. Lori, his mother, does more for Giuliana than she does for her other grand daughter who was born in January. She doesnt feel the same connection with that baby as she does Giuliana and Vance. Sometimes I even think that she loves Giuliana and Vance more than she loves her own kids. There isnt anything she wouldn't do for Giuliana, and thats because of Vance. On some levels I think its unhealthy. Although, its also sweet. I try to make her see that she has to do the same things for all of her grandchildren or shes going to hurt/offend people. Her responce is always "No, I dont"or "I dont care". I think a lot of her attachment to Giuliana is that she resembles Vance's physical appearance and many charecteristics that she loved so much...

It may be part of being a human that they all feel the way they do. But that doesn't always make it right. Or does it? Is it OKAY that it happens? I try to keep a good handle on things because as Giuliana gets older and starts to realize shes getting this or that every time she turns around I don't want her being spoiled or feeling like its owed to her. I don't want her to think or act like Vance and her are better than all the other children in the family.I also don't ever want her using peoples emotions about Vance to get her way. Children are children and I would like to hope I will raise a "good"one, but they will still manipulate if given the chance.

I dont want this to sound like I dont understand or appriciate the situation or everyones genorosity, because I do. But sometimes I just wonder what things would be like if he were still here.I never got the chance to meet him, even though Stephen and I have knwon eachother since we were 7 & 10. I wasn't really around when Vance was here. I regret not keeping in contact with him. I regret not calling him to congraduate him when I found out he was having a baby. But you never know, things may not have worked out the way they did had I done those things. Giuliana may not be here. Vance would have been 6 in August. He would have LOVED Giuliana. Vance was always very intuitive to peoples emotions and aware of small children. He loved so freely that I aspire to be him.I went to his grave with Giuliana when she was 6 mths old. I put her beside his stone and she smiled so broadly It spooked me, but I still snapped the picture thats now in my wallet and Stephens. I asked him to watch over her and keep her safe because I won't always be able to be by her side, but he can be. I hope he will be.

Here at the bottom should be pictures of the both of them. He was about 17mth and She is 13 mths old

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[Ashley St. Germain]

I know that you never stop having thoughts like that: "What would he be doing if he were here?" "What would his favorite food be?" "What would be his favorite game to play?" "Would he be running into my room in the middle of the night like all my other kids...?" But at what point do you stop crying every time those thoughts come into your mind?

[Cheryl Haggard]

But at what point do you stop crying every time those thoughts come into your mind?

I don't think you ever stop crying...your tears just dry up.

[Shelly]

I don't think you ever stop crying...your tears just dry up.

Cheryl, Those are perfect words...thank you!

[Lindzy Foster]

I don't think you ever stop crying...your tears just dry up.

Cheryl, Those are perfect words...thank you!

I absolutely agree......i cant stop thinking about another mothers day approaching and celebrating without my daughter...again.....