Survey...

[Cheryl Haggard]

Ok Parents,

I have a question. More like a survey.
Don't ask me why, but I do...Sometimes, things just 'pop' into my mind, and I can't concentrate on anything else, until I have an answer.

For those of you that have images of your babies, whether you are a NILMDTS family, or not...

Does having a photograph of your child, help you ACCEPT the death of your child?

Or does having a photograph of your child, help you ACCEPT the existance of your child?

Words other than ACCEPT could be: Believe, Recognize, Acknowledge, Admit?

Here is the defination of accept: To acknowledge a fact or truth and come to terms with it.

The defination of existance: The state of being real, actual, or current, rather than imagined, invented, or obsolete.

Defination of admit: To acknowledge that something is true.

[Tammy]

For me, having our images of Chase reminds us he was real, he was here and he was our creation. Why God took him away from us, I'm not sure I will fully understand, but thinking back on my life prior to losing him, I am beginning to put the pieces together. I have accepted the fact Chase is gone, but his images proves he exsisted, he was a part of our family, he was a part of me.

Chase has taught me so many lessons about life. One, the material things don't matter. Two, never take what you have for granted. What you have can be taken away from you in an instant, just like he was. Three, there are more important aspects in life than worring about minuet things like a job, money and the like. I'm not saying these things aren't important, but they are not the most important. (there is a story behind these thoughts... one I will share at a later time, when I am ready)

If anything ever happened to our images of Chase, I don't know what I would do. It would be like losing one of my living children... his images are that important.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Just so you all know, there are times, (and I think more often now than before), when I am thinking about Maddux, and I think: Was it a dream? How could I lose a baby? How could I (me, Cheryl Haggard,) lose a baby??? How could this happen to my family? How could this happen to me? There are moments (not days) when I question, what happened? It all just doesn't seem real. Does that make any sense at all? Is this a stage in our grief, when we start to question, what was real and what wasn't? We start to question our memory? What really happened? Are my memories starting to fade?
I am truly ready to wake up...

[Scott Hays]

Cheryl,
I think you're partially right in the respect that you are going through a stage of grief. Remember that the stages are anger, depression, bargaining, denial and acceptance. There is no telling when you will go through them or how many times you will go through them. Could you be in denial again? Could be. I don't know if your memories are starting to fade, but maybe you're moving into a stage of acceptance. That's a hard one, because you're never ready to accept the loss. But eventually it happens. It isn't a "I woke up one day and "boom" I found acceptance", it's such a gradual thing. One day you wake up, and suddenly realize that you've partially accepted the fact that he is gone. To me, that is when I started smiling more about what Lindsey would have been doing. The pain started to subside a little more.

I guess you need to remember that you'll go through those stages of grief over sometimes. They may hit at the oddest times. Remember I went through the depression thing just this last year. I had to face a lot of things I hadn't faced 19 years ago. Don't worry about the waking up part. It feels good when it happens. You see things so differently when it happens. Your heart will always remember, it's just a different type of thought. You will smile at his memory more. It will feel good, and it's ok to feel good about that.

Hope this helped some.

[Deb Stoner]

My photos of Marah have definately helped me to acknowledge her existance and her preciousness. I find myself going back to them at different times. To me, they helped me "Prove" her little life to family and friends because not many people saw her in the hospital. A nurse reminded me several times in the hospital that I was Marah's mom. Looking back, I think she did that to snap me into reality. I often go back to her saying that in my mind and it helps me to this day! At times, I wish it was all a dream. I remember that it was right around Marah's year birthday that I started worrying that I would forget details-and I DID forget some details and it set me into a panic. I was obessed with things like what time things took place, what order we did things in ( bathing, rocking dressing), what time of night we told our son, etc. My husband tried to help me connect those memories, but some things I think I subconscously forgot to help ease my pain. Like Scott said, stages of grief can come and go and return when you least expect them. It's a vortex for me.

[Deb Stoner]

Another survey question along the same line as Cheryl's...
For those of you who have lost a child, if you could go back and never have the pregnancy and have spared yourself and your family the heartache of losing a child, WOULD YOU?

[Tammy]

I would not change a thing. There are far too many "good things" on a personal level that have happened for our family since we lost Chase, now I know that sounds contradicting, of course I would give anything to have him here, but what I'm saying is the positives of the experience out weigh the negative... if that makes any sense at all. I guess you have to be inside my head to understand what I mean by this~ DANGEROUS place to be. :rolleyes:

[Megan Kitchin]

Ok, where to start? You guys are just surveying geniuses...


First, Cheryl...The few photos I have of Grayson and Zane are probably my most important and prized posessions. I have copies everywhere and at relatives houses just in case something would happen. You just never know. I think losing the photos would come close (if anything could) to losing my sons. I still hate that word..."losing"...but it fits I guess. To me, the photos do many things. They make me feel close to my boys, as well as validate them. They have helped me to prove their existance to friends, family and even strangers. And even to myself when I am in a mood. The photos have helped trigger memories I worry I will forget.

For me, my grief has been quite cyclical. Scott, it is probably what you are talking about repeating the stages over and over. At first it was every moment of every day that I would replay everything over and over in my mind. Then I guess it gradually became daily and then every other day and then weekly, gradually getting further and further apart. Don't get me wrong, I think of my sons constantly to this day (a year and a half later), but the body numbing grief has been cyclical. It comes out of nowhere now. I am fine one day and then the next, I am right there again, reliving every moment of those few days and the 23 weeks of the pregnancy before they were born. The photos help me to find resolution in my memories.

Also, I am finding now, with Graham here, that I look at the photos of them and find qualities of them in him or vice versa. They are brothers and their characteristics are similar. Or should I say features.

Do you ever really, fully wake up? I know everyone grieves differently and in their own time, but to me it doesn't seem as if I have woken up. Or maybe that just isn't the feeling I get. I have felt as if "maybe it was all a dream", but the hole in my heart reminds me constantly that my Zane and Grayson are not with me physically. Strange.

Anyhow, I treasure my photos, even though they are few. They remind me of the moments...two lifetimes of moments...

Deb, to answer your question...No, not for a moment. I was blessed with two very precious little boys, if only for such a short time physically. As painful as it is to miss them and long for them, etc......I wouldn't trade a second I shared with them to go back to have never known them or loved them just to remove my pain and heartache. We had several losses before Grayson and Zane and had yet to get to the point where we could physically hold our children and see with our own eyes what Craig and I's love made. That probably sounds strange. Yet it was such a blessing in and of itself to see our sons and touch them and love them. To feel Zane breathe in my arms and to feel his toosh move and to feel his fingers around mine tighten...to us, that was a miracle and heartache all rolled into one. Grayson was our instant angel (he went to Heaven during delivery), yet he was our first born son and always will be. From the moment I knew of them, they were our blessings and I wouldn't change that for a moment without the grief I feel.

And Tammy, I do understand what you mean...and I think many of us probably do...from our children we have found friendships and knowledge and strength, along with many other things. I have a good friend I met resulting from the loss of our children...on the phone one day, we were talking and she basically said that she wished we weren't friends...under other circumstances I would have been taken aback, but I knew what she meant and felt the same...we wouldn't know each other and be such good friends if any one of our four children (two sets of twins) had lived. And that would be a good thing!!!! Yet, none did live and under the circumstances, I feel quite thankful to have found such a good friend and like to think that if our kids had lived we would have met somewhere along the way. To me, these friendships and moments of goodwill are gifts from our children and for our children. My greatest gift from Grayson and Zane was HOPE! A hope that led us to trying one last time...a hope that created and blessed us with their brother, Graham.

And the photos remind me of my greatest gifts, my sons!!!!! And I hope they will mean as much to Graham when he is older. The photos are his link to his brothers.

[Erica Stone]

My photos help push some of that fuzzy, dream-like thing away and give me some clarity. I actually accepted what happened to me as it was happening. I dicn't like it, but I had an almost immediate understanding that there was absolutely nothing I could do about it. I felt helpless and at times like I was watching a made-up version of my life, but even through the fog I always knew it was the truth.

Matthew's photos help me deal with the truth. I initially thought I wanted to "forget" what was happening because it was too hard, too painful. (Not that forgetting was a realistic option, but rather that I wanted as few concrete memories as possible. At the time I thought I'd be able to "get over it.") I have said before that I have many issues with death, and this is the first time in my life I've really and truly dealt with any of them. After my grandmother died it took me three years to even say out loud "she died." I've spent my whole life avoiding the subject and then falling to pieces when it happensto someone. While I totally loved my grandmother, something about the nature of my present situation is so much different. Maybe because I couldn't avoid Matthew's death or maybe because of the mother-child bond. I don't know. I've lived a pretty good life without too many bad things happening in it (or to me), so maybe I was just ill prepared to deal with unpleasant situations.

When the subject of these photos came up, I suddenly realized that I wanted and needed to have them. Because I realized that my few memories would become fuzzy. Because I knew there were things I was already forgetting. I suddenly needed NOT to forget Matthew, because he is part of my life. If this had to be my reality, then I wanted it to be as real and detailed as possible. Since I accepted things as they were, I think I deserved to have something tangible and beautiful out of it.

Deb - I don't think I'' be able to answer your question for now. I don't think I have enough perspective at this point in time...

[A&JPearce]

I think having pictures of Vince helps us with accepting the short life he had. It also reminds me that this was not a dream.

[Jen Eagan]

Hannah has been gone for over 7 years, and my life has moved on since having three children since. Kayla will be 6 in 2 weeks- and I don't feel old enough to have a 6 year old- I have to remind myself Hannah would be 8 this summer... her photos are still displayed on a shelf in my living room and in the hallway with the rest of my kids. Now- they don't help me accept her death- even still. I have accepted it, but the photos didn't help with that- only time did that for me. They have helped me remember that she really was here- that she really wore those clothes and I really rocked her in the same chair that is now in my studio and rocked my other three babies (that chair is so destroyed and clients don't want to sit in it but I can't get rid of it because it rocked all 4 of my babies).

And Deb's question is one I have been asked many times- by people who think it would just have been easier to never have known her. Easier- maybe... Better? I had five months with a precious child that taught me more in five months than anyone else ever taught me in my life. Her life taught me unconditional love and what it meant to be a mother. Her death- as much as it destroyed me to lose her- made me realize new goals and purpose, as well as brought friends into my life I never would have known, brought my husband and I closer together, and made me realize more than ever how much being a mother meant to me and how desperately I wanted it again. I loved Hannah as much as any mother ever could- because I knew ahead of time that we were probably going to lose her- but I know now that her life had she been strong enough would have been agonizing for her, riddled with terrible painful issues that no adult would ever want to face- so I am now at peace (most of the time) to know that she is no longer suffering. In addition to that, it's pretty certain if she had pulled through she would have been our only child due to her extensive special needs, and I certainly can't say I would want to imagine my life without the wonderful (most of the time- haha) children I've got now.

I kinda got off on a sidebar there- huh... oops, sorry. Back to the question- no I would not choose to have never had her. The only thing I would have chosen if I could go back was to know sooner and maybe had better options and definitely would have chosen to make her last days more peaceful...

[klosey]

What good questions. I think the pictures make me a feel a little of both. They make feel the reality of not having her here and all of things that we will not have or share with Olivia, but at the same time they make me feel the existence of her and the acceptance that she is my child and the beauty that she holds and the joy that she did bring to our life. So I basically I feel the good and the bad. I miss her, but they also let me embrace her. Sometimes I look at them and I want to scream and other times I smile at her and think "that is our child and I love her so much!" My question is: sometimes I talk about Olivia in the past tense and other times I speak about her in the present tense as though she is here existing. i.e. She is so pretty or she was so pretty! Do you think there is a right or wrong way?

[Cheryl Haggard]

Know what Deb,
There is not one thing that I would change...
I would experience this heartache one thousand times over...I think not to have had or known Maddux would have been the real heartache.
He has changed so much about me as a person, and my family. I look at my older children now in a different light. They are going to grow up to be wonderful people in this world!

[HAINAngel2000]

The photos of my little Mariah Belle are priceless to me. I couldn't imagine not having them! Because we do forget little details, My biggest regrets are not having y hubby go buy a camara as the ones I have are not real good, but the nurces tried with a polariod it was better then nothing.

But I wish I had pictures of her little hands and feet. I tried so hard to stare at them for as long as I could to remember every single detail. Now I find even those memories fuzzing up and that makes me sit and cry.

This Organization brings such a blessing to so many families. It helps people have a cherished moment to hold onto forever. It gives comfort, peace and it gives a gentleness to infant death that no other mission can do.
This Organization I feel gives parents a priceless gift! I think what your doing for these families is a true GIFT FROM GOD!

[Charlene Lopez]

It is so wonderful to hear everyones different perspecives on this subject. Daniels photographs have helped me to "validate" his existence to other people. I carried him for 9 whole months, he left my body and I held him as he died. It was all very real to me and I didn't believe for one moment, until he was actually gone, that he wouldn't be with me forever. I just didn't think it would have to be in the photos and in my heart only. I truly thought he was going to get better right up until he stopped breathing.

His pictures allowed me to show everyone else in my life that he was real, he was my son, he was beautiful. For me to say "look" at his beautiful skin and all his brown hair. "Look", he has his daddy's ears, he has my nose.

As for whether or not I would go through it again? Absolutely, he touched me and so many others in a way that no one ever could have imagined. He was small and his physical existence was brief, but he sure packed a big punch. He woke everyone up and said, HEY, you get ONE life, live it as best as you can.

I'm grateful to have the photos so that I'll never forget exactly what he looked like. I'd like to think that I wouldn't forget anyway, but I don't know, time is a curious thing. I'll be able to look at his pictures 20 years from now and show people in my life at that time too and say, "look" at how beautiful my son was.

SO, I guess, in a roundabout way, Cheryl, to answer your suvery. They help me to show OTHERS to accept his existence and how much he will always be a part of my life. Sorry it took me so long to get to this answer....Great Quesions!

[Cheryl Haggard]

Wow, Charlene. I knew that you and Ken removed Daniel from life support, but I never had the courage to ask you if you held him in your arms as he died...Even when we met for the first time (for lunch) I wanted to ask you that. I don't know why...Just did. Just that memory brings back so much feeling...But I will admit, the memory doesn't 'sting' as much...Does that make sense? As I held Maddux, he never even took a breath on his own...Is it too personal of me to ask if Daniel ever did?

Daniel has touched my life in so many ways you will never know, and they are too many to count...I can't thank you (and everyone here) enough for sharing your precious baby with me, and now so many others...The death of our babies has left a yearning in our hearts, and have allowed us to see the path of our souls...

I know that he and Maddux are buddies in Heaven, and I know that Daniel is watching over Jasmine. Just like Natalies dream awhile ago, I will be curious to see if Jasmine dreams of her big brother coming to 'play' with her. Let me know if Maddux comes with him, sometime...
All my love...and more...
Cheryl

[CMatros]

We may not have a lot of photos of Anna but the one we have means more to Nic and I than anything...we still have her room set up and we kept the blanket and outfit that she was wrapped in when we were holding her in the hospital....I love showing off my Glowing Angel's picture...though she is not with us in the physical sense, she is always with me in the sense that her picture goes with me where ever I go...I think that her picture helps me know that no matter what, she is still my daughter...

I am in St. Louis at a training for my job. I have gotten two know two other women pretty well. I started to tell them about Anna and this website and one of them started to tear up and the other got goose bumps....I never know how people would react when I tell them that I have a picture of my daughter...after she passed away...but these two women told me that they would have no idea what they would have done in my situation...(one of them has two girls of her own).

So in a nut shell....to answer Cheryl's question...I think having a picture helps me to accept that YES I HAVE A DAUGHTER!!!!!

[Cheryl Haggard]

Carrie,
I grew up in St. Louis. My brother is a police officer there...
I hear it is really hot...Try to stay cool.:)

Did you show Anna's photograph to the two ladies that you mentioned?
I am curious as to how you presented her to them...And what their reaction was? This would be so helpful to many...

Cool breezes you way...
Cheryl

[CMatros]

The conversation started with the typical "so do you have kids...." That opened everything up...I had been sitting with them in trainings for the past two days so we got to know each other on a different level...but I feel like I have known these two for years....I told them the story and they both just melted....after telling them about Anna (and the one is wiping tears away) I quietly asked if they would like to see a picture...they both did stating that they did know how to ask if they could see one...them thought that she was beautiful...when I talk about my little girl, I feel like I am finally an expert in something...feelings...thoughts...emotions that no one else knows how to deal with....do you guys ever do any kind of conference type to get together???

[Cheryl Haggard]

We are definitely in the planning stages of conferences...
Carrie-Thanks so much for sharing this story...
How did you feel while you were sharing Anna with these two women?

[CMatros]

I felt honored...proud...excited to share my story with these two women. I will always feel this way about Anna...shouldn't every parent be proud of their child:) As one of the trainings was going on today, I started doodling her name on paper...tears came to my eyes...guess I should have taken my Zoloft this morning....I want her name to be part of my everyday vocabulary just like the words...dogs, cats, husband, internet and email are used ALL the time throughout my day...(those plus "where did my caribou go???") She is my angel and I want the world to know that....

[Charlene Lopez]

You are so silly Cheryl, you can ask me anything. I never knew you wondered about me holding Daniel when he died? We all did, Me first, then Ken, my sister was there and she held him and talked to him a while, my brother in-law Troy held him, then me and Ken again. It was gut wrenching to me because he gurggled, trying to breath and he turned so purple. It wasn't quick, but I knew he wasn't in pain because they gave him something for that. But, I'll never forget it, how he looked, how he sounded and how we all felt there together going through it. It was surreal. It has given my, my husband, my sister and brother-in-law a bond we never wanted, yet I'm glad we were all together. He was surrounded by the people who loved him most. I hope I didn't share too much for everyone:-(

[Cheryl Haggard]

Charlene,
You are such a special, special woman...I didn't know if I went too far with my questions...Thank you for sharing this part of Daniel with me.
Thank you.
Cheryl