What we know about grieving families

[Tammy]

Here are a few of my thoughts on what we know about grieving families, and some experiences I have had personally.

*Any family that has experienced a loss of a baby or child never forgets. No matter if it has been two months, two years or two decades, the memory of our loss is embedded in our memory forever. I have come across people in my community who have shared their stories with me, one lady that comes to mind lost her daughter over 40 years ago, and she told me some days it still feels like only yesterday. for further reading (http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?t=194)

*We all deal with our grief differently and in our own way. Men grieve differently than women, children grieve differently than adults and extended family members grieve differently than parents. Some of us are able to speak openly about our losses, others of us can not. I had an experience just yesterday (Wed, April 5) where I was asked how many kids I had. I went on to say we have two boys and we lost our third boy in August. Immediately, I felt the atmoshpere in the room change. The person stated "It must be difficult to talk about." I replied, "No, actually it helps me to talk about Chase, it's finding people who are willing to listen without wanting to change the subject right away that's the difficult part." view this post (http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?t=9) this is a good one too (http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?t=285) and another (http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?t=223)

*Parents who have lost their first child may grieve differently than those of us who have other children. The underlying concept of our grief I believe is the same, yet these parents are faced with a few different circumstances. They may (or may not) be more proned to fall into deep depression and anxiety. Those of us who have lost a baby yet have other children to care for are faced with different circumstances. Every loss is devastating, I don't believe one is greater than the other, but different. view this post (http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?t=390)

*Some of us will openly ask for help, others of us will not (I'm one that won't openly ask for help from others, because I feel I'm being a burden to someone else if I do) We don't always know what we need. No matter what, we do need our family and friends even if we may or may not admit to it. In dealing with a grieving family, in my opinion, it's better to just take the initiative then to ask a family what they need or want. Example if you are thinking about stopping by for a visit, go ahead and do it. If you wait on us for an invite, you may wait a long time. Then again, maybe not. I am just now starting to feel comfortable with being out in public again for a short period of time. (home is still my safe haven) People still come up to me and express their condolences, and mention they wanted to call or stop over but.... but what? I simply reply, "I wish you would have," and leave it at that.

*Sometimes certain comments we hear from other people can trigger our grief all over again. Although these comments are not ment to cause hurt, they do. Common sense is key in this situation. One example is "I'm so sorry for your loss, (and in the same breath) but did you know so-and so is pregnant?" This doesn't exactly help us in dealing with our own grief.
view this post (http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?t=19)
view this post (http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?t=226)


*If we have subsequent children, they grieve too, in their own special way. This is difficult for anyone to deal with, because they are so innocent. Hearing a statement like, "I had a baby brother/sister, but he/she died," from a child of any age is so heartbreaking. I've heard my six year old talk about Chase on a few occassions (when he thought I wasn't listening) and it was so neat to hear the responses from his peers. These responses ranged from, "He's with Jesus in Heaven, and you will see him again someday", to "I'll race you to the swing set!" As I mentioned in a previous post, even my two year old correlates the song on Chase's slideshow with his baby brother, and he knows it's Chase in the photographs. For awhile, he would point up to the sky and say "Baby Chase sleeping in Heaven." I'm not sure if this was a question or a statement from him, but it goes to show even if he doesn't fully understand the circumstance, (or maybe he does in his own mind) he still knows he has a baby brother in Heaven and he knows our family has experienced something sad. view this post (http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?t=245)

[Martin Comiskey]

Tammy,

Thank You so much for your comments. I personally have friends who lost their baby at 3 months, whenever he or she would start to talk about their loss I became uncomfortable because I was afraid I was helping to open an old wound. Now that you said it helps to talk about the child I will be attentive to the fact that they need to talk, and I won't be as uncomfortable. Everything you said is so true, about stopping by, etc. It really helps all of us to know that we don't have to avoid them because we're afraid something we say will make them cry. We just have to use common sense as you said and not talk in the same breath about someone who is pregnant, etc..I for one will be all ears!

Martin

[Scott Hays]

very well put Tammy. Think about sending this to your local papers as an editorial with a brief story of Chase. This would be marvelous for others to see.

[Jen Eagan]

I personally have friends who lost their baby at 3 months, whenever he or she would start to talk about their loss I became uncomfortable because I was afraid I was helping to open an old wound........

It really helps all of us to know that we don't have to avoid them because we're afraid something we say will make them cry.
Martin


Martin- you wouldn't be opening anything- the wound will most likely always be open for them. They just learn to conceal it in front of people most of the time. The ones who need to talk about their babies usually do so because it helps. Feel free to ask them questions about their baby or share a memory if you have one. Their baby's name is one of the most beautiful sounds they can hear- and showing them that you acknowledge and appreciate their baby's short life will mean more to them than you could ever know.
And if something you say makes them cry- so long as it wasn't something stupid and hurtful- let them cry as long as you (and they) can handle it (I don't know how close of friends you are). And just know that they aren't crying because you said something wrong (unless you DID)- they are crying because they miss their child and you have allowed them to be real for a few moments.
I know for me, bottling up my emotions makes it that much harder- but I'm still- after 7 years- not ready to talk about certain things to do with my daughter's death. If I could, it might help me get past it, but I can't. So usually towards the anniversary of her death I start to get depressed and really TORTURE myself with the details of what happened- and I would give ANYTHING to have my main memories of Hannah be the few happy ones, instead of this awful thing that sticks in my mind the most. I would give ANYTHING to lessen the hurt from that one memory so the others could stand out more. I just don't see how that would ever happen for me, especially considering I can't talk about it.

So- if they want to talk about it, PLEASE don't change the subject- let them. As Tammy said- changing the subject WILL make them feel worse inside, even if they don't show it.

[Deb Stoner]

Here is a quote that was used at the Central Ohio Lost Child Memorial. I love it-I'm not sure of the author.
"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,
But it never fails to bring music to my ears.
If you are really my friend, let me hear the beautiful music of his name.
It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."

[Tammy]

And just know that they aren't crying because you said something wrong (unless you DID)- they are crying because they miss their child and you have allowed them to be real for a few moments.



EXACTLY how I feel as well, thank you for mentioning this Jen. Very nicely stated. It's strange to me how we as grieving parents sometimes tend to put on a happy front and a smile so others feel comfortable around us. I know I have done this many times and for what? To spare our family and friends from feeling the same deep heartache that we feel? Maybe... but it's not right. I wouldn't want anyone have to experience this heartache, but in order for us to heal we need to have people around us we can fully trust and feel comfortable showing our true emotions to. We need people around us who won't want to bolt out on us if we do experience an emotional breakdown. We don't always have this under control, it can happen anywhere at any given moment. In the middle of a grocery store, driving down the road or at a social gathering....

February 25th marked six months since Chase passed away. That whole day was emotional for me. A friend had stopped over for a brief time that morning; she could tell I wasn't my usual self. She asked if there was anything wrong and wanted to know if everything was alright. I shooked my head no, and started to cry. I explained that day Chase would have been six months old and I was having a hard time dealing with it.
She looked down at the floor and told me she didn't know what to say. I also picked up on her non-verbals. As I was trying to talk to her, she was slowly backing toward the door and had her hand on the knob~ I don't have to tell you what she wanted to do, I could tell she felt trapped... so I made it easy and told her I would see her another day when I wasn't such a wreck.

Would I trust confiding in her again? I don't know if I would. Is she still my friend? Of course. I can't expect her to understand what or how I felt, and I sincerely hope that she never...ever will. But this is a classic example of how society sometimes deals with difficult situations. I almost feel like it's a "too bad so sad, I have my own problems to deal with" type of society. THAT is what's sad.... I'm not saying I want everyone's sympathy because I don't. All I ask is, if you choose to ask a question about how I'm doing, allow me to express what I'm feeling to you openly and honestly without me having to worry about you wanting to leave me when I may need you the most. Please give me those few moments to be REAL, as Jen stated.