Victoria

[Christine Barrack]

I am both a NILMDTS photographer and a parent with an angel. I have never really shared my story of Victoria, my sweet angel. But as I continue to porvide services for NILMDTS and read the post I feel it is time to share some things. Until now I have not been ready.
It was on a Sunday, while attending church service, I started to feel like I was coming down with the flu and baby was not moving as much. I went home and listened to her heart and counted kicks, called my OB and he said those were normal signs of labor starting, I should rest and go to L&D when contractions were 7-10 minutes apart. The contractions were pretty steady at 15 minutes by Monday morning. Went to see my OB in his office. He did the normal check and was able to feel "her head", dialiated some, and listened to her heart, I expressed my feeling that something was wrong. He told me the same thing-it won't be long and get to L&D when...... After contractions continued I felt something was not right still. He said babys heart was fine. I insisted in a sono to check on her and finally convinced him to order one. Back to the doctor in labor now for a check. "Baby is breach now, no heart beat, were sorry". She was gone. The sono tech and doctor just left me to cry. I was so sick. So devistated. How could this be? He just said he felt the head, heart was good and all was well. Now she is gone? And this is her foot he felt not her head. I could barley see straight. I asked if they could just take her out right there and do CPR or anything to bring her back, that she was just sleeping and tired from moving down for delivery. They sent me home and was told to "make funeral plans". Yes, home while in labor to wait for contractions to be 5 minutes apart now and plan a funeral. Having my foster daughter at home with my grandmother was difficult as well. I called to have my foster daughter go to a friends as planned. My hubby started to put all the baby stuff away. My grandmother just sobbed. I got the baby items back out. Gave my foster daughter a huge hug and kiss before she left. Off to L&D as I could take no more. I became very ill, high fever, my heart rate dropped very low. I begged for a C-section and the doctor would not do it. I tried to get another doctor to deliver but no one would take my delivery. They gave me meds to speed up contractions but it seemed to make it worse. The epidural wore many times. During delivery the doctor and nurses asked if I would like to be handed the baby or not. I said yes, I want her right away placed upon my chest. The night was long to say the least. My pastor came and baptised Victoria while she was still inside me. My in-laws came and I asked them to be with my baby after delivery and go with her to see h first bath and hold her if they wanted.
I delivered on Tuesday night in very poor condition. During delivery I could see the reflections of the birth in my doctors glasses. One leg at a time a breach baby girl, she was stuck. It was very difficult and they tried everything to get her delivered. I could not push any longer. The nurses pushed her out for me and cracked a rib, some bruises as well. When Victoria was delivered I closed my eyes and reached out for her. The doctor just dropped her in a bucket and continued to work on me. I was already hurting and to have my baby treated like that killed me beyond any words of expression. My husband dropped his head onto my shoulder and was so very upset. Granted I was not in good shape but I so wanted to feel her warm body next to mine, kiss her face and tell her I loved her so very much. My condition became very serious and I was unconscious. When I woke I was in a private room and thought I was all alone. My hubby had pulled the curtin during the night to get some sleep while I was being attended to. I woke to hear crying babies and thought it was all a bad dream. I asked to see my daughter as soon as possible. I was told it would be some time before they would have anyone available to get her from the morgue and suggested I did not see her. I could not understand why it would take so long or why I shouldn't see her. It was after dinner hour Wednesday before they brought her to me! I was so scared to uncover her. She was the most beautiful angel. She was perfect. Ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes, kissable lips and chubby cheeks. The only damage was her head from the methods they tried to deliver her with and where she it the side of the bucket when the doctor dropped her into it. I unwrapped her and kissed every part of her, stroked her dark hair, held her hand and prayed. I began to sing to her and my husband made me stop. It was to much for him. Then the nurse came and said she had to go back to the morgue. I wanted my baby to stay with me but was not allowed. I wanted to give her a bath, dress her and put lotion on her and love her. They took her from me and would not bring her back. Why did this happen? What did I do? Why did God take my baby I wanted and loved so very much?
The nurses took instant pictures and a few snap shots of Victoria. They are very hard for me to look at on a morgue table. I wish NILMDTS was around then for me and others.
The funeral home came and took her. I was unabe to see her at the funeral home due to my medical condition and remained in the hospital for the week. My in-laws transported my angel in her casket to another state where she would find her final resting place. I was able to delay the burial and attend. It was private for family and no viewing allowed.
I don't have all the answers. I still ask all the what if's and question why. And it has been 13 years. So when I read all the posts and stories shared here I feel for each and every one of you. When I have the ability to take, work on images or comfort someone I feel truly blessed. Thank you all for sharing your stories, your precious angels and giving me the strength to share with you.
Sorry for the novel. But it feels so good to finaly tell someone about Victoria and share her with the other angels.
I worked on an image tonight of my angel that I would like to share.

[Donna Wheatley]

Oh Christine,
My heart aches for you. Victoria is beautiful and I so wish she was with you now. You are an amazing woman. You have such strength and grace. I have read many of your posts and I see how you have been ministering to so many.
I am so sorry you had to go through such a horrendous ordeal, but the hope is you will see Victoria again. I know, it doesn't ease the pain...

I think you are incredible to have gone through so much and use it for so much good. May God bless you for that.

Romans 8:28

[carissa13]

Oh Christine, thank you so much for sharing your story! My eyes are filled with tears while I read your words of sweet Victoria! Thank you for all you have done for all of us!

[marylouise]

Christine, my heart breaks for you. Your daughter is beautiful. Sending you huge hugs.

[sandyb]

Hugs
what a sweet baby girl
what a terrible way for them doctors to treat you like that :(sad)
what an awesome way to help others
God bless you (you have a very big heart)

[momofanangel]

My heart goes out to you right now. No person or baby deserves to be treated like that. I am so sorry you had to go through treatment like that on top of losing your daughter. She is beautiful.

[Vicki]

Christine,

You know I am a big fan of yours already but you just blew me away with Victoria's story . . . how they could treat her and you so casually is just mind-boggling . . .
You have the courage of a warrior in you and have found a way to help any other mother you can with your gifts . . .
Victoria is beautiful and lucky to have you as her mom . . . our lifes are just a blink of an eye in the big picture of eternity. When you see Victoria again, it will seem like you were never apart . . .
HUGS HUGS HUGS . . .
Vicki

[motherofthree]

Thank you so much for sharing your sweet Victoria with us. What a beautiful job ou have done with her picture!

I am so sorry for what you have had to endure. Hearing your story makes me even moregrateful for what I have had. I am so sorry they didn't let you parent your angel more and hold her as they shoud have. My heart is hurting for you. I have more to be thankful for than I even realized.

I am so glad that you have found this outlet to continue to express love for Victoria and help perents in similar situations at the same time. God blass you, Christine.

[Kathy Schneider]

Christine,
Thank you so much for sharing your story of sweet Victoria. She is absolutely beautiful. I had tears in my eyes as I read her story. Know you and your family are in my prayers.

[Marcus Momma]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It is such a sad story to read. You are in my prayers as everyone elses. Shes such a beautiful lil girl.

[Tricia Hackney]

My heart breaks for you and your family! I always notice your posts, the image of your daughter is just as beautiful as the one her Mama. Thank you so much for all that you do for others!!

[Jamie DeVaney]

Thank you for sharing. By the way they treated the baby I thought it was longer than 13 years ago. Hugs to you and thank you for all that you do and your incredible tallent.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Christine,
Thank you for finally taking that step and sharing your daughter with us. Victoria is a beautiful baby. I can't imagine how proud of you she must be. A little angel smiling down...
Cheryl

[Carrie LaFollette]

Christine,

Wow. I am in tears. I am so sorry you and Victoria were treated so poorly. Thank you so much for sharing your story and for giving your time. You did a wonderful job on Victoria's picture. She is beautiful.

[Kerry]

Thank you for taking the time when you were ready to share the story of your precious baby Victoria. Story was sad but is so true how they deal with infant death back then and how time has changed . You are truly amazing strong person and to deal with your pain and turn it around to help others so how true of a angel you are! Thank you for sharing and such a special time over Memorial Weekend to honor Victoria . I will be thinking of her and all the other angels this weekend!

Kerry
Mother of Olivia,Sarah,Lane and Heavenly Angel Mallory

[Lindzy Foster]

Thank you so much for sharing Victorias story, I am just appalled at how they treated you and your precious babyand how coldhearted they were at your loss......I am so very sorry......the picture is beautiful as is the work you do for NILMDTS......keeping you in my thoughts and prayers HUGS...

[Christine Barrack]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read Victoria's story and your kind comments.
Other than my doctor the nurses were very kind, and only following his instructions. I think becaue of his actions and treatment to my baby and self I was not able to spend time with her. They were afraid of a law suit or action on my part. The nurses were very kind and helpful after delivery and did do everything they could for me. I still visit them at the hospital from time to time.
When my grandmother had a full term still born she never was able to see her. They made it seem as if nothing ever happened and no acknowlegement was ever made back then. Times have changed. I pray no one will have to face that again.
NILMDTS is a wonderful gift to families. The images taken and hearts that are opened up mean so very much in the healing process. The parents here offer so much support for others during their journey and share from their hearts. What better way to honor our angels than that?

[Dawn Marshall]

Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful Victoria with us. She is so lovely. My heart aches for you. I am so sorry how they treated you and your darling baby. How terrible.

My grandmother also had a really terrible experience at the hospital. Her first son was born alive, but only lived a few hours. She was given a glimps of him...never held him in her arms. They put him in a basket in the nursery and let him die alone. She has never recovered fully from that. She told me once that her arms still ache to hold him...

[motherofthree]

Christine, beautifully said...

[Margaret Hatcher]

Christine:
I am so sorry for your loss, Thank you so much for sharing. You have been such an inspiration to so many of us. God Bless you for all you do, have done and will do.
Margie

[JenniferBrown]

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm so glad that most of the hospitals have changed their policy on parents seeing and holding their babies.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

[mom2angelmichael]

Christine, i am so sorry to hear what you went though. i am in tears just reading your story! it is so sad the way that doctor did that to your baby! how could anyone do that to any baby! you angel is so perious and imj sorry you both had to go though wiht what you did! you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. hugs heather
p.s. i will be emailing you some stuff about the angel book next week!!

[CurtisIII's Mommy]

Thank you for sharing know that I am praying for you and hope that you are doing the same for me. Victoria was precious!!!

[linda]

Christine, What a beautiful little girl you have! To think she's been there welcoming our little angels all along...sending her my love.

[KEA's Mom]

Christine,
I'm so glad you felt it was time to share your precious daughter with all of us. She is so beautiful. I'm so sorry for what you had to endure while bringing her into the world.

[Sandy Viola]

Wow Christine, how very sad for you and your family. Being a labor and delivery nurse I was appalled at the way you and your baby were treated by that MD. This scenario is the very reason we don't deliver breech babies in our hospital the natural route. I hope you now know though that she started your journey in life that eventually led you to NILMDTS. Because of her I am sure your motivation to provide families with perfect pictures is very strong. Having someone that can relate to what they are feeling is very comforting. I love the picture you did of Victoria in the basket. How sweet she looks. Thanks again for sharing the backgrounds. Hugs.....

[April Alvarez]

Oh Christine!
Victoria is SO beautiful! Such a perfect little ear and nose, she looks so perfect and peaceful. Thank you for sharing her with us! I wish you had been able to do everything a mother should be able to do with their little girl. As you know I have a 14yr old, but I haven't shared that I nearly lost her. My Dr told me she would not survive delivery and they actually filed a certificate of stillbirth on her by accident. In a way, I want to say 13 years ago is not that long and they should have known better. But from my experience I know that 14 years ago I would have been treated the same way.
I wish I could (((HUG))) you for real- you are an amazing mama, I know Victoria is so proud of you, and what you do for her.

[ConnieG]

Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for the way the situation was handled. The picture you posted is beautiful. Your daughter was perfect. Thank you for sharing.

Connie
"When you can't feel His hand, trust His heart."

[Karen Ainbinder]

Christine, thank you for sharing your story with us about your beautiful daughter. I shed many tears reading what you, your husband and your daughter had to endure. I truly hope that times have changed and that doctors and hospitals treat our little ones with more compassion than you were afforded. Heartless and cruel. You are a strong woman and an inspiration for healing and sharing in your gifts to other families in need.

[katelyn]

Christine, I just read Victoria's story, and my heart just breaks. How could the hospital staff be so cruel to you and your family?! It truly disgusts me, especially since I am a nurse. I am glad things have changed, but I hate that you had to go through that. Prayers for you. Victoria is beautiful.

[Christine Barrack]

Susanne,
Thank you for reading about my angel Victoria.
It still happens today to other parents and families and it is very sad. I hope we can educate hospitals, doctors and nurses so it won't happen again and spare a family such grief.
I miss her. Especially with the holidays near.

[jessbilley]

Christine, thank-you for sharing your story and strength with us. That is awful about how the dr treated your little angel Victoria. It reminds me of a story that my friend told me about her first miscarriage at 10 weeks - she brought the fetus to the dr's office in case he wanted to look into why she had the miscarriage and with it being her first miscarriage he took the fetus and dropped it into the garbage right in front of her. So insensitive. :( We were very lucky as when we delivered Isaiah our dr was so delicate with him and spoke to him even though he was already gone so sweetly and gently. I couldn't imagine going through what we did with a dr that would just throw our little boy into a bucket so he could work on me more. Thankfully for the most part things have changed a lot in the last 13 years - but not completely as shown by my friend's miscarriage (that first miscarriage happened a bit over 3 years ago now).

[Madge]

Christine, I never saw your story before and have always wondered about it. How terrible to have to go through all of that---I don't even know what to say, I feel like I'm in shock to hear of such cold treatment. I am so sorry.

Your talent and compassion go hand in hand for making you a wonderful asset to NILMDTS. I will never forget all you have done for me.

[Valerie'sMomma]

Christine,

Your daughter is gorgeous. The photo you created for her is so touching. Thank you for sharing your story.

[gtownherd]

thank you for what you do now. the nilmdts photographers are angels, you give us what you never had. there is no way to thank you all
heartbroken in gtown

[Eddie]

How could someone treat your daughter that way! I am truly sorry that that happened to you.

[Austin's Momma]

What a breath-taking photograph of your angel! She looks so peaceful. I'm glad you shared your story with us...the story of your sweet Victoria. (But I could punch that doctor and knock the glasses right off of his face after hearing how insensitive he was...Sorry, thinking out loud.) Really, I'm so sorry to hear about everything you had to go through. Your work as a NILMDTS photographer and member of this forum is invaluable and the families you meet are so lucky to have such a compassionate friend supporting them.

[Christine Barrack]

Thank you my friends,
I really appreciate you taking the time to read about Victoria and post such kind comments. I get emotional this time of year and Sunday night is The Compassionate Friends Memorial. This is a time when I can surround myself with families of angels and feel comfortable in my grief. That may sound odd, comfort in grief. As it gets close to the memorial I just feel the pain build back up inside me. To know that there are so many hurting but so willing to help, support and embrace others is beyond words.
Austin's Momma-I tried to kick his glasses during delivery but I was strapped down because the epidural wore off. I have since been able to forgive him and it feels so good to not carry that around. But I will never forget what he did, it still is painfull to think of.
It took me 13 years to even be able to work on the snap shots of Victoria or share with anyone else. The support here is priceless and I treasure each of you.

[MayaAngel]

Christine, I CANNOT believe how they treated your baby and yourself!! That is TERRIBLE!! I love her picture though...she is absolutely beautiful!! I'm so sorry that she isn't here. HUGS!! You are an amazing person!!

[Benjamin's Mommy]

Christine, I'm glad Victoria's story got pulled up again so people can read it. She is absoultely beautiful. But when I read about how that insufferable doctor treated her, I actually got physically sick to my stomach. I am so sorry that happened and I am so touched by your ability to let that hurt and anger go. You are such a sweet person and I thank you for sharing Victoria with all of us.

Keep Hope Alive.

[JillinGA]

Christine,
Your strength, your compassion, your talent ... you are amazing!
Victoria is a beautiful Angel.
I am so sorry that you and Victoria were given such cold treatment.

Thank you for sharing.
Big HUGS to you~

[Lillee_angel]

Oh MY Goodness! How can someone treat her like that? She is still precious, passed or not! Shows to prove that some doctors just dont have a heart. Im am so, so, so deeply sorry for what you had to endure. That is just horrible that they could treat you like that. Im astonished. I am at a loss for words after reading that story...I just dont know how to say anything right now. My jaw is on the floor. (HUGE HUGS) is all I can do... :( She is SOOOOOO beautiful & I like the way you did the photo. She is such a sweet, soft little angel baby Victoria...(hugs again)

[Jaydensmom]

Christine, I have never read your story until just now. My heart has literally broken in two for you as I read it. I wept. Oh how I am grateful for people like you, and other angel moms who have decided our precious angels should not be treated like your beautiful daughter. I love the name Victoria. I am so sad that they did not allow you time with her. So sad that she was thrown into a bucket, so sad that the doctors did not listen to you when you knew something was wrong. I have a few friends who lost children 10+ years ago, and because they were not allowed to fully mourn their children - their wounds are still so raw. You are an amazing and strong women and your posts on here bring comfort and hope to many of us still so young in our journey. Thank you. Thank you for your bravery, your love, for being an amazing and loving mom. Its an inspiration.

I am just curious, have you ever been back to the delivering hospital to see if changes have been made to the way they handle deliveries of angels?

We will hold them again one day in heaven. And there, there will be no more tears. ((hugs))

[Christine Barrack]

I am just curious, have you ever been back to the delivering hospital to see if changes have been made to the way they handle deliveries of angels?

We will hold them again one day in heaven. And there, there will be no more tears. ((hugs))

Actually, not long after my delivery of sweet Victoria I was called by a friend who's son was in NICU and not going to live long to take photos and support them. It was so hard to go back to the hospital I delivered at. But I did this for my friend. I was able to provide comfort for the family and take images of their son. NILMDTS was not around then so I just did this on my own. That became a focus for me, to work with parents in getting images and quality time with their child no matter what medical condition they were in.
I began working with the hospital nurses that knew me in addition to the hospital bereavement coordinator. I talked about my experience, things that would have brought me comfort if only they would have been given, how to help other families and memory item suggestions.
I talked to the nurses about the treatment my daughter and I received. It was hard. I broke down many times just trying to get the words out. But it was a part of healing for me so others would not go through the treatment I had.
The hospital I delivered at is one that I cover as a photographer when needed as well. I am not the AC for that hospital, but that is okay with me. I am honored to help in any way I can at any hospital.

[Michael'sMom]

Victoria is beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story & thank you for all that you do for others.

[kimbyt]

Christine,
I am just reading your story and have tears in my eyes - to be put through such an ordeal after learning that your daughter was no longer alive...I can't even fathom. My heart breaks for you and I too, wish that you had NILMDTS. I couldn't even think about my precious Bailey being in the morgue - it physically made me ill. I love the picture you have now though - she is beautiful - absolutely beautiful!

[jeepn1976]

Thank you for sharing your sweet Victoria with us. She is beautiful!

[Galee]

Christine,

Thank you for sharing your story. My heart just aches for you and Victoria and the trauma that you went through. I am so sorry for the loss of Victoria and for the way in which her birth/death were handled by the medical staff.

[Krista]

Christine,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious daughter Victoria. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us, and Victoria's beautiful picture. You are an amazing woman and with all you have endured you continue to give. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm sure your angel Victoria is watching over you and your loved ones!!

(((HUGS)))