pregnant and numb

[mise]

hi I guess I am looking for other mothers who have been through the same as me and I guess reassurance that I'm not going crazy or completely heartless.I am 15 weeks pregnant ,8 months after my little baby was stillborn and I find mysel completely detached from this baby.I dont know if its just a defence mechanism but I guess I dont believe there will be a live baby at the end of this pregnancy.Its so hard to take in.I dont like telling people that I'm pregnant in case they will think I have moved on.My family keep teeling me to celebrate this baby but I find I'm not able to.Have any other mothers been down the same road or is it just me?

[Leila]

My hearts aches for you...Yes, I have been in that position! You are feeling natural thoughts and feelings. I too remember being afraid to tell anyone that I was pregnant. Just when I thought it was "safe" I would start celebrating... then it was time to "un-tell" which can be very emotionally draining. I understand your guard. You are not heartless...you are only 8 months from the loss of your baby. That is soon! mine has been nearly 5 years and there are days that I still mourn the loss greatly! I don't know what to say to you but to let you know that you emotions and feelings are very normal. Hugs and prayers to you! Use this forum!! Talk this out, share share share your emotions!

[Christine Barrack]

No, you are not crazy. I am so sorry you have gone through this and for what you are going through now.
After my angel, Victoia, was born still and I became pregnant with my second child I was very scared it would happen again. The pain and grief all came flooding back as if it just happened. I didn't want to ever feel that way again. I did want to loose another child. I did feel love for the child I was carrying. But I didn't tell anyone or make a nursery or buy anything until after he was born. I didn't even let one of my best friends have a baby shower for me and even my family that did know (from seeing me pregnant) and sent gifts I would not open them, they sat until after he was 6 weeks old I think still in the mailing boxes they were sent in.
Moving on? I don't think I have ever moved on these past 13 years since Victoria has been in heaven. I have followed a path and journey to where I am today, but still miss her terribly. Over time I have learned to live through Grace, pain and sorrow. Some days are better than others. I'm sure if you are able to tell your family/friends that you are still grieving for your angel and are scared they can help and support you. What you are feeling not many can relate to unless they have been down this path themselves. Your family cares for you and wants to celebrate the life you carry now and for you to feel happieness as well.
You are among friends here and can freely express your feelings and emotions here. You are not crazy. Just hurting so deeply. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

[Kerry]

To start Congrats onto another pregnancy and being a mother to your heavenly child and to new beginnings. I found out I was pregnant again after my daughter's Sarah's first birthday. It had been a year after we lost her twin sister Mallory. I was confused and nervous all at the same time. I found by staying positive was the only way I was going to survive this. Listen to your doctors and I had to make changes and slow down and listen to my body. I wasn't replacing Mallory but it was meant to be so it has given me closure by having my last one being my son, so my hubby could have his boy. We are happy and never feel we forgot her. The best thing I did was have this family picture taken including the angel to remember our daughter Mallory. I have a large print of it in my living room and feel proud to show our complete family.
It is expected to be nerve racking right now just think all your raging hormones? I was more nervous at the end since I had a stillborn also. My Uncle is a placenta pathologist so he gave me reassurance and help in everything to take to help him survive. I can't thank him enough to give me the opportunity one more time to be a mother! Sorry I am rambling on I just want you to know we all care and I hope the best for you! If you ever have any questions I am glad to listen.

Kerry
Mother of Olivia, Sarah,Lane and Heavenly Angel Mallory

[ConnieG]

I completely understand. I have been there 5 times infact. I misscarried our 1st child at 12 weeks, then 3 mo. later became pregnant again w/ a boy he was born still at 28weeks, then 3mo. later became pregnant again w/ a girl she was born at 30 weeks weighing 2lb. 3oz. She was in NICU for 11 weeks came home for a mo. then stopped breathing. Then 3mo. later (see the pattern) I bacame pregnant again! We now have a beautiful daughter who is almost 2. A year and half later I got pregnant again 5th child, I delivered our son at 24 weeks, he was 1lb. 3 oz and lived in the NICU for 5 weeks before going to be w/ his brother and sisters. When I found out I was pregnant with him and our previous babies I didn't want to tell anyone, I thought people would think "Here we go again" and I just didn't want to go through it again, but amazingling God has given me strength to endure each one. You are not alone. I recently did a Bible study that taught me we are to think only on what is true and real as Phil. 4:8 states. What is true and real for you right now is that you are pregnant. That is all you know, you have to take one day at a time and try to only think on what is true and real. I often ask myself "Connie, is this true is it real, then you are not allowed to think about it" When I dwell on what is NOT true or real I am not trusting God. I hope this helps.

[mise]

thank you for all your kind words.it really does help to know others in a similar situation.As you said christine only those that have been through our terrible losses can really understand.Unfortunately I have lost all ability to trust in God and can't even bring myself to pray so I am at a loss there but I will try to keep positive and hopefully come through with my mind intact!

[Jen Eagan]

Unfortunately I have lost all ability to trust in God and can't even bring myself to pray so I am at a loss there but I will try to keep positive and hopefully come through with my mind intact!

I think this is also a normal reaction. We went through it after our daughter passed away. I remember there was a TV series on at the time called "It's A Miracle" about all these miraculous things happening to people- and I would get SO ANGRY when I would watch it. Not that I would ever begrudge someone something wonderful- but why not me? Why didn't I get a miracle too? I would have given my own heart if it would have saved my daughter (she needed a transplant) but God didn't see fit to save her. I was very very angry at God.

We became pregnant again about 6 1/2 months after she died, and had a miscarriage. Of course I had already told everyone and was just DEVASTATED to have to un-tell them. All I wanted in the world at this point was to be a mommy again and I felt like God was just kicking me when I was down. A month later I was pregnant again (we had planned on giving it 3 months but there was a bigger plan I guess) and afraid to tell anybody because I was fully expecting another bad outcome. For a while the only people who knew were my husband, mom, and best friend. I remember being at a family birthday party (for an older relative) and there was a baby there who was about the same age that Hannah would have been- and kind of had a similar look (big poofy brown hair) and I had a really hard time being there, I went inside and hid and cried- being pregnant again didn't erase the agony I was still feeling 8+ months after losing my precious little girl.

As time went on though, I did allow myself to get excited about my pregnancy. After having every test imaginable to make sure this baby was as healthy as could be- I knew that Hannah had hand-picked this new baby girl for me and that she really did deserve to be celebrated and treasured. Part of my reasoning was- even if something terrible happened and she was born sick or born still- I wanted no regrets about cherishing every second I had with her. She was my special gift and needed to be appreciated.

Now- almost 10 years, and two additional gift-babies later- I know that my daughter had a huge purpose in this world. She taught so many lessons, and made me a better person for having been her mommy. My 3 living children have a much better mom than I would have been without Hannah's hard lessons- my marriage has weathered MANY violent storms because we already survived the worst thing we'd ever face. We were not a stable couple before she came along, and we grew together because of her. She was here for only a few months- and after she left I couldn't see any big picture, I couldn't be excited about another pregnancy, I couldn't be excited about ANYTHING. I was angry with God for taking my girl, and my husband lost his faith completely- has to this day never prayed again. The only thing that got me through was people who reminded me that some day I would see the bigger picture. And I kept going- because I really needed to know what purpose my daughter's death could POSSIBLY serve.

In addition to being a better mom- I began studying photography when my second daughter was a baby- I didn't want any memories to be compromised- and opened my business three years later when my fourth child was born. One way I remember Hannah is by being a photographer for NILMDTS. I feel as though she is with me at every session, and I am able to give those parents something that I would not have been able to before: understanding. So in addition to our family- her life has touched many other families.

Anyway- I have rambled and side-stepped in a big way, so- back to you and your pregnancy. I completely understand how you are feeling. And whatever you believe is the right way for you to deal- IS the right way. Just know that you are not betraying your angel by allowing yourself to love this baby too. It is okay to get excited- and it is okay to be cautious.

((HUGS))

[pootersmom827]

Sweetie I TOTALLY understand your thoughts. I was actually pregnant when my son died and didnt know it yet cause I hadn't missed my cycle yet. it wasn't until 2 months later that I finally realized that it wasn't stress keeping my cycle away, I WAS PREGNANT! Was I excited, no, beacuse we were told that because our son had a genetic disorder that it was a good possibility that any other kids would have it as well. So I was terribly frightened!!! I found myself just trying to detach myself from the pregnancy and not get excited cause it would all end the same way. I didnt tell anyone until I was five months and that was because I was starting to dialate and had to have emergency surgery to close it. Luckily everything turned out fine and I gave birth to a very healthy baby boy Jeremiah without ANY heart problems, and now I also have a 4 1/2 month old son Kameron who is healthy as well!
So dont think you are alone in your thoughts, you'll heal in your own way and I guarantee you'll start loving this baby just as much as your angel.

[mise]

I hope this will pass but i am begining to feel all control slipping away. Its 9 mnths since Joseph died and I'm now 17/4 weeks and I cant stop crying and feel like i'm going slightly crazy.I am usually a very level headed person,even after he died I never felt this out of control.I think alot has to do with peoples reactions aside from my close friends and family I feel people are saying,'phew,now she'll get over Joseph and stop crying about him.' It doesnt feel like the great news everyone else seems to think it is,i'm absolutely terrified and all that lovely innocence and pleasure during my last pregnancy is gone

[motherofthree]

I know it is easier said than done, but try not to worry what others think. You know, Joseph will always be a part of your life and in your heart. I don't think being pregnant precludes you from still mourning you sweet angel - I can't imagine how hard it is for you, worrying about how things will go. It's like our innocence is gone - no longer will I carry a child with that lovely blissful ignorance that nothing will go wrong.

I am sure Joseph, where he is, is excited about being a big brother. He would want you to be happy and at least take some joy, even though you may be terrified. Are you talking to a counselor or anything? I'm just asking because it has really helped me a lot. I plan on continuing to see her after I get pregnant next time - I expect it to be really difficult emotionally.

I am so sorry you feel this loss of control. We are all here for you!

Hugs and prayers for strength for you,

[Lindzy Foster]

oh sweetie everything, and i mean everything your feeling is completely normal.......i got and am still getting those same reactions from certain people and i just hate it....tuesday i will be 36 wks and im absolutely terrified still of something going wrong...ive tried very hard to enjoy my preg. and we are very happy but i so miss that ignorant bliss of not knowing how many things can go wrong.....i feel like i have no control also....sending you a big hug!

[Marcus Momma]

How are you doing. Just checking up on you. My prayers are still with you

[mise]

Thank you so much,I'm nearly 21 weeks and physically I'm doing great.Still finding the emotional side very tough and even find myself hiding my bump from people so I wont get drawn into any conversations or even the usual 'congradulations' which I find difficult to handle.I am waiting on date for an anomoly scan to see if all is well with baby and the fustration of having to keep ringing is hard.I dont think they realise the importance of it for myself and my husband.

[Marcus Momma]

I am so sorry your still having emotional struggles but givin the situation we had before it is expected. I will be praying for a safe and healthy delivery for you. Your halfway there now!!! I am only 8 weeks and 6 days but it still scares me. They can't do anything extra with me because nothing was wrong with my pregnancy just after. Good luck we are all here praying for you.

[motherofthree]

Yeah, I think the waiting is the hardest. I have the second ultrasound on Monday and we hope to see a little heartbeat. I get myself pretty worked up...I can't imagine when we are waiting for the big scan - the "is there anything wrong with our baby" scan. I am thinking of and praying for you.

[MadiAidMak]

You are not going crazy. It has been almost 10 months since my trwins passed and when I found out I was pregnant this time (on the day they would have been 6 months) I was and still am scared.I keep looking at baby stuff,but havent allowed myself to buy really anything. I bought him a little outfit that my older daughter had picked out,but after I felt bad and cried like I had done something wrong. I think that no matter how long it has been since the loss of a precious child,you are always going to have mixed emotions. But with the crying,dont feel bad,I burst into tears in the middle of laughing the other day,I think that my husband thinks that I am crazy!!! I will be thinking of you, I think we are pretty close in weeks. Take care =)

[mise]

hi everyone,Thanks for all kind words.Things are slightly better for me ,this baby is letting me know its here and dont forget bout it kicking ever so slightly.I am trying to think positively but its difficult.Have my anomaly scan nxt tue so quite nervous but fingers crossed.I think I've learnt that there is nothing I can do and nothing I did wrong when I was pregnant with Joseph so what will be will be.
Madiaidmak,Im 23+1 and its 10 months since Joseph died so it seems we are close enough with dates.
Ill keep ye updated on scan

[amburke2]

I'm glad to hear things are better, even if they're not good. I think about you and your little one. I look forward to hearing about the scan (hopefully good news!).