Today

[CurtisIII's Mommy]

Today I am filled with mixed emotions. I've been crying and sleeping off and on all day. Sometimes I dont think God is listening to me..... I ask him to ease the pain just a little.......just a smidget....and yet I dont think he has. I see babies everyday that would be my sons age. I listen to friends complain about their children crying or getting on their nerves....and I would love to hear my son cry, laugh, coo, or just breathe again.My husband gets mad at me because sometimes I go outside and just sit. Sit asking for a sign that hes okay...even though I KNOW that he is being well taken care of. I think I'm selfish .....I get so upset at the medical examiner's office....who still have no answers. I cant help but feel that since my son is a baby and not some adult who was murdered that he is being place on the back burner. I want answers but I have none. Im tired of replaying what happened that morning over and over again in my mind trying to find out if there was just some small thing that I could have done. Trying to find out if God chose to hide that there was something wrong with my baby from me. Im tired of hearing " you may never know what happened", tired of listening to advice from people who have no idea what I'm going thru. I just want this to be one big nightmare- and I want someone to wake me up. But its reality. I hate this!!!!!!!

[Christine Barrack]

Akisha,
Sorry to hear you are having a rough day. God is listening. We don't always hear His answers or get the answers we want. I like to think that when the wind blows it is kisses from heaven, when the rain falls it is all the little angels in heaven jumping in puddles and splashing down on us, when the sun shines a hug from heaven, when all is silent a sign that there is peace and health in heaven. Maybe not how everyone can see these things or feel them, but they bring comfort to me and want to share them with you.
Since you KNOW Curtis is being well taken care of trust in Him, I mean really trust in Him and you will find your peace. It is so hard to just give all our troubles over to God. But when you can you will feel that peace again.
After 13 years I still ask all those what if's and what could I have done to bring my angel back to me. I don't have the answers. The medical examiner's don't have all the answers, they are human. I know this brings you no comfort. I have been through a loss and know you so want answers and this nightmare to be over. You will have answers one day. The journey to healing is on a path of pain. There is no way around it. How you chose to travel on your journey will bring some relief and grace into your heart. I have had to accept I will never have any earthly answers to why or what if's and that is so hard to take. It breaks my heart over and over again and I can't live like that anymore. I know my angel would not want me to be in pain all my life nor does God. I have good days and bad days. There are more good days now than bad. That day will come for you as well. I don't know when. But I will be praying for you to find comfort, answers and peace within.

[Marcus Momma]

I am sorry you are having a hard day. Our situations are some what similiar waiting on answers to why or babies passes away and like you said wondering what we could have done different. I wonder what if I made them take him to the bigger hospital right over the bridge only 20 mins away as soon as he started getting worse if he would be here right now. If only a differnet hospital baby doctor was in there taking care of him. I look over my sons medical records everyday to see if I find anything different. We are just waiting on answers to prove our suspisions of what happened. I am still waiting for these docs to look over everything and tell me what happened. Do you know why I am stuck on finding out what hapened to him? Its because that doc that took care of him came in my room and told me I killed my son because I had a cold infection that caused his lungs to clamp up. I didn't have any infection I think he was trying to take the blame off himself. at that moment I wanted to die because I thought I killed my baby because I wasn't thinking clearly about the fact I never had a cold. A cold wouldn't have passed from me to him anyway. I hope you find your answers because I know how much they mean. We are here to help and listen.Please take care of yourself and try to sit and think about the why as hard as I did because it felt like it was slowly taking my life from me.

[motherofthree]

I am so sorry, Akisha. I cannot imagine the pain of not knowing the medical "why" of our losses. And we can sometimes only guess "why" God would choose to take our children. Does it ever really make sense to us? I don't know. I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time. I will pray for you today, and I will pray that you get some answers.

[Estrella]

(((((HUGS))))) I know it's alot easier said than done...but, try not to be so hard on yourself. Allow yourself to feel all of these feelings without letting anyone else tell you what is "right". Thinking of you and praying for you.

[ConnieG]

I can relate to you and your loss. I had a daughter named Keyannah in 2005. She was born at 28 weeks and weighed 2lbs. 3oz. she was in the NICU for 11 weeks and we were able to bring her home for 1 month. It was so great. But you know what I did, I spent lots of time cleaning the house instead of holding her. I did love those 3am feedings--my husband and I actually fought over who got to get up and feed her, b/c we knew what a precious gift this was and learned from the 11 weeks in the hosp. not to take for granted these moments. On the way home from a dr. appt. she stopped breathing. I accidently left the van door cracked a little and noticed it on the highway, so I pulled over to close it, she was alive and well at this time. 30 min. later she began crying, I just let her cry, knowing babies do this, it wasn't time to eat, she wasn't wet, we only had 40 more min. till home. Well she stopped crying and I just had this gut feeling to pull over, however w/ construction everywhere I didn't, then after 20 min. of not hearing her I pulled over to find she was gone. I began CPR until a trucker stopped to help and phoned 911, they got her breathing again but only on a machine. After 20 min. w/ no oxygen she was brain dead. If only I had pulled over sooner, if only I had held her more, if only.... we can go crazy with the if only's, can't we? I have a strong faith in God and I know from the Bible that there are no accidents with God. I look at Job he lost everything in a matter of minutes for no reason. He loved God dearly and served Him faithfully, so why did it happen? Several reasons could be... to bring him closer to God, proove his love for God, to be an example for us, who feel like we've lost EVERYTHING. I don't know and neither did Job, but I too say with him "The Lord gave and the Lord hath taken away, blessed be the name of the Lord" It doesn't make it easier, just encourages me. My daughters death anniversary is June 16th, June is a rough month--I agree with you. Lets get through it together. I put this on Keyannah's and her brother who was born still in 2004's tomb stone "The master had need of them or He would not have called them and we feel highly honored that we had something in our home He wanted." Praying you through.