Haggard Family

[Cheryl Haggard]

My name is Cheryl Haggard. My family experienced the death of our six day old son Maddux, on February 10th, 2005. My husband and I didn't just lose our son, but our older children lost their baby brother as well. These were the darkest days of our lives. As a parent, how do you go on living? As a family, how do you pick up the pieces? On that day, February 10th, my husband Mike and I had to make that heartbreaking decision to take our beautiful baby boy Maddux, off of life support. We knew in our hearts that we were making the right choice, not just for Maddux, but for our family as well. With Maddux being our fourth child, we knew that we wanted to remember his beautiful being with photographs. Not just ones that we had taken of him, but ones that were professionally done. We wanted portraits that we could proudly display in our home, and share with family and friends. I remember seeing beautiful images of babies in the maternity ward of P/SL Hospital in Denver. That afternoon we called that photographer in Littleton Colorado. Sandy Puc' of Expressions Photography agreed to meet with us that evening. Mike, Maddux and myself had an extremely emotional, but sensitive and professional photography session with her and her assistants. We felt very at ease with her, and we knew that what she was creating for us would be priceless. Mike and I felt that this session was our memorial to Maddux. I just didn't know then, how true those words would be today. The weeks following that session were a blur. The only thing that really kept me going was thinking about seeing his photographs. I started writing in a journal after Maddux's death. I now want to share with you what I wrote...

February 23rd, 2005
My baby Maddux,
Dad and I met with Sandy today. Your photographs are beautiful. Your daddy misses you so much. He cried alot more than I did while viewing them. I almost felt a sense of joy while watching you. I am so comforted by the fact that this is what we have of you. That night was the hardest in my life, and daddy's, but we are so blessed to have the memories of your beautiful being. I was able to take Joann to see your DVD at Expressions, and she thought you were just beautiful. Then I shared your DVD with Ali at cheer. They both cried, and thanked me for sharing you with them...

Sandy and I talked many times after this, and I shared with her my thoughts on how having the images of Maddux have helped my family and friends through the beginning of our healing process. We both agreed that by sharing this information, it could help other families that are experiencing an early infant loss, also. On April 8th, 2005, Sandy Puc' and I cofounded the NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP organization. We started in just the Denver area, and on July 8th, 2005, NILMDTS was nationwide.

My prayer is that this organization will find those families in need, and that by creating these images with their baby, those memories will bring them comfort and peace.

Thank you again, Sam and Dave, for giving my family these beautiful memories or our baby Maddux.

Blessings,
Cheryl

p.s. If you would like to read my complete story, I have posted it in the Family Discussions under My Story...http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?t=6

[Cheryl Haggard]

Merry Christmas Maddux, Love your big sister Anna

Dear Maddux,
How is Heaven so far? I want to go to Heaven with you, but at the same time, I want to stay here with our family. Mom is really into the website. She has helped take so many pictures of little babies just like you. I hope you have met alot of them. We all miss you and wish you were here with us, but we'll see you again someday. I hope you have a great first Christmas.
Love, Anna

[Jen Eagan]

Awwww Cheryl-
Thanks for sharing this. Breaks my heart.

My kids never knew their sister so I guess I should be thankful that they never had to experience the loss. They know about her but of course don't miss her.

Really touches deep. Hope you gave that girl a big hug.

Jen

[Kevin Mueller]

To those that have been procrastinating about what to say on these threads or the NILMDTS website, there is no better time than the present. I say this as I was nudged (thanks Cheryl) into logging on and giving my story.



You see, I didn't want there to be any focus on what I had to say or what I was feeling because I didn't want to detract from the grief that I knew my sister and her husband are feeling after the loss of their son.



Then I realized that as part of the healing process for her as well as myself and my own family, my story needed to be told. To have her read what I was feeling would be a positive step toward healing and help her understand that they are not alone in their grief. I will never know what she or other families are experiencing. I can only add to their story.



As a Traffic Homicide Investigator, I deal with horrible tragedies on a weekly basis. I have numbed myself to the often graphic scenes that I witness when responding to traffic accident fatalities.



I am the one standing in the middle of the interstate highway as you drive past the flares and stare at the mangled vehicles and the sheet draped across the roadway.



I am often called to investigate accidents involving children and have stood next to grieving parents in the morgue as they identify their loved ones behind the glass.



Then I go home, put away my gun and radio and crawl back into bed as my wife starts to rub my back, no words exchanged, until she falls back to sleep. She understands.



So when I got the call that something was terrible wrong with my sister's child, I didn't know how to respond.



After my sister’s first child was born, my wife and I flew to California to see him (Chase). She gave us a tour of San Francisco as children’s music played through the car stereo.



My wife and I had a great time and remember leaving and telling ourselves that we would never have children. They seemed like high maintenance. And what was with that purple Barney Guy!



That same year we got pregnant and I figured out just who Barney was. He was the one that kept my child entertained while I tried to catch a few minutes sleep. My life has been a both a blessing and a blur since then. My boys are 11 and 7 and I thank the Lord for everyday he allows me to parent them.



When my sister’s son Maddux passed away, I called her and tried to relate to her grief the best I knew how. All the while not telling her, or anyone else until this moment, that I broke down and began crying in front of the Circuit Attorney and my Lieutenant after I received the news. I wanted to go to her, help her and be strong for her because that is what I do.



I called her on the phone and offered to be out on the next plane. She refused and said there was nothing to be done. My wife and I had plans to do something for our anniversary that week but nothing else mattered to us. My wife and I got tickets and flew to Colorado because I’m her little brother and that is what family does.



I knew I didn’t HAVE to be there. I knew I NEEDED to be there. I needed to be there for my sister and her family. You see, she had recently moved to Colorado and didn’t really have a support group of friends established yet.



The visit was a roller coaster of emotions from the time I arrived until the time I had to leave.



I wasn’t there to tell her that it would be alright. I got up and took her other children to school.



I wasn’t there to tell her that her pain would eventually ease. I got up and made breakfast and cleaned the house.



I just did what I believe she needed to be done. I listened and helped out around the house wherever I could.



To those that might be reading this and wondering what they can do to help, know this: Nothing you can say or do will ease the pain. When she finally talked, I listened. And when she asked me a question, I answered.



And when it was time for our plane to leave, my wife had to return home to our children and I stayed.



In the end, I have tried to be supportive wherever I could. When my wife and I viewed the photos of Maddux, taken by Sandy Puc, we didn’t know what to think at first.



Cheryl and Mike were so excited and it confused me. When I saw the photos I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I watched my sister looking at her lovely child through Sandy’s amazing talents.



Those same pictures of Maddux are proudly displayed along with my other nieces and nephews on our mantle downstairs. He’s not a distant memory, he’s my sister’s angel.

[Scott Hays]

THanks Kevin...

[Erica Stone]

Just when I think I am all cried out...

Kevin, you are a wonderful brother and friend to your sister. I wish the world was full of people such as yourself.

Cheryl, you know I think your kids are wonderful people. They are all so lucky to have you as their mother. Good people bring good things into the world.

[Wendy]

Oh...Cheryl

[Karla]

Cheryl, kevin,
I just stumbled on this, and like Erica said, just when I thought I could not cry anymore. Kevin, you are a great brother, and you have a special sister. I wish my husband's family could get some lessons from you guys on what being a family is all about. None of them were there for him, instead days after they were demanding things of him. MY husband is a big man, but he is also human, and he lost his baby girl, they should have a heart like Kevin's. I truly admire what you did for Cheryl, and I know how appreciated your being there for her was, my brother and sisters did what you did, no questions asked, they just knew what to do.
God bless you all,
Karla

[Andrea Hillis]

Just when I think I am all cried out...



Ditto!

What a terrific brother you are!