because

[Tammy]

4-22-06 It's been a while since I've posted anything, so I decided tonight to say (type) a few words. The 25th is coming around again, so I'm trying to prepare for my usual gloom day. I find myself remembering the events that took place, and how our lives changed. I don't like the 25th of each month, because instead of saying "Chase is eight months old today!", I have to say "It's been eight months since Chase has been gone now", or "Chase would have been eight months old today." But this month, I think I will try something different. Instead of finding a dark corner, trying to hide my tears... I think I will take the advice others have given me. Either lighting a candle for Chase, or buying some helium balloons to release to him... just something different. I have to be honest and say I am reluctant to go to the cemetary, because I'm scared. We are waiting for Chase's memorial stone to be placed, and the first time I see it at his grave site... I already know what's going to happen. It's going to be very difficult for me, and my family. It's going to seem so... final. I realize I have to accept that my baby is gone at some point... in ways I have accpeted this, in other ways I have not yet, and don't want to. I only wish things were different... then the way they are,(as many of us do, I know I'm not alone in feeling this way) and yet I'm glad I have all of you for encouragement and support.
I want to thank the other NILMDTS members for giving me different ideas on dealing with and getting through this day that I dread. Your advice means alot to me, so thank you.

I had decided a while ago, the way I choose to honor my son's life is to try and help other families experiencing the loss of a baby/child. Offer encouragement, support and basically give my heart, because I feel by doing this, it helps me cope with my own heartache and grief as well. On the days I'm not a total wreck (which is actually most of the time) I do fairly well. But those days still come, where I feel lost and empty, and I never know when those days are going to hit.

[Martin Comiskey]

Tammy,

Know that I am praying that God will comfort you and your family in these difficult times.
Martin

[Kelly Story]

Tammy,
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Hold fast to the fact that our time here on Earth is short and we will be reunited with our love ones very soon. I just lost my grandmother last week. I know that she is well and I will see her again. She had a very deep love for children and I'm sure she will be happy to rock our babies until we get there.
God Bless,
Kelly Story

[Kirk Kief]

Hey, here's an idea. I know that Sam can attest to why you may not want to do this over Salt water, but, this may make for a very nice, annual memorial. A Butterfly Release. Here's a company that has everything you need. http://www.greathousebutterfliesinc.com/ . I just emailed them to see if they could maybe work up a special package for us. I'll let you know if I hear anything. Basically, it looks like a may run about $100 with shipping. Let's see if they come up with anything.

[Tammy]

4~30~06
Another 25th day of the month has passed. The day actually went very well, I was in a good mood, and didn't feel depressed, or gloomy. For some unexplained reason, I felt (do I dare say...) happy. I truly feel in my heart my youngest son; my precious little angel was intensely connected with me the whole day. But he must have decided to go back to playing with his little buddies after that because the next day, I was a total grump!*L*
I had an urge to visit the cemetary that Sunday, so while I had a few precious moments to myself, I went to visit my baby boy. I sat next to his grave, sang him a song, and told him we loved him and missed him so much. While doing this, something really weird happened. When I first arrived at Chase's grave site, I noticed everything was quiet, but while I was singing and talking to him, I heard birds begin to chirp in the near by trees. It was as if I was being answered. (that, or my singing was so bad the birds were expressing their disapproval...one of the two)
There was no marker stone or foundation yet. Only his marker from the funeral home, a cherub angel figurine, and a stuffed bunny my in~laws gave to him for Easter.
The wait continues for his memorial stone...

Thank you for keeping my family and I in your thoughts and prayers.

[Erica Stone]

I go to visit Matthew all the time, Tammy and it always makes me feel better. I usually bring a little something for him and sit and talk for a while. (and usually cry - I bring my box of tissues.) Sometimes I feel the need to go more frequently than others, but I always feel more at ease and calmer after each visit. Just continue to do whatever feels right for you.

[Paula]

Tammy - I'm so glad to hear that you felt close to your little guy all day, it must have felt very comforting. Thanks for sharing, we are all so
glad to hear about how you are doing!

[Tammy]

5-19-06
Chase's stone is placed at the cemetary now... it's beautiful, exactly as I pictured it would be. Last Saturday, I stopped out to see it for the first time. It was raining, so I didn't stay long, but I had to see it. It was an emotional experience, as I already knew it would be. And yet, I also felt a sence of peace and comfort mixed in with my sadness. Memorial Day we are meeting with our entire family. We are planning to release balloons to baby Chase that day, the first of many to come.
I really like the idea of a butterfly release. We may plan on that for Chase's first birthday in August.

[lizabeth]

Tammy,
My heart is with you, I too was told that my precious Katherine Elizabeth's marker has come in on 5/15/05, it was exactly three month to when we buried her. It has not yet been placed, but I can only imagine that my feelings will be the same as your. That is so awesome that your entire family will be joined on Memorial Day and that you will be sending a special balloon to you precious angel in heaven.
Liz

[Megan Kitchin]

Tammy,

Seeing my boys' marker for the first time gave me a sort of peace, as well. Strange, isn't it? Very, very emotional, but comforting for me to have something tangible acknowledging their existance.

I'll be looking toward the skys on Memorial Day for Chase's balloons!

[Cheryl Haggard]

Tammy, I would love to see a photograph of the marker you chose for Chase. When you are ready, I am here.

(HUGS)
Cheryl