Is this okay to give?

[samanthasaunt]

I have always bought gifts for my nieces/nephews to be. I bought a preemie outfit about 2 months ago right after we found out that Samantha would most likely not survive long after her birth. I know that they are having a hard time finding something they would like to bury Samantha in and thought of this outfit. Would it be okay to give it to my sister? I thought about telling them I bought it for Samantha and that they could do with it what they wished, but I don't know if that's okay.

I also thought of a gift I would like to give my sister when Samantha is born (I always give the new mom a present). This time I thought I'd do a charm bracelet and give her a charm every year on Samantha's birthday. I could also just fill it with the charms I would have purchased.

What do you all think of these ideas? My husband isn't sure because he thinks the clothing would cause too much pain for my sister and her husband.

Thanks,
Amy

[motherofthree]

I love the idea of the charm bracelet. My sister bought me two small birthstone rings to put on a chain around my neck (didn't want to leave out my older daughter) and gave them to me just before I delivered. I wear them every day - I remember holding Kavya's little ring to her lips so it would hold a "kiss" from her. I still give it a little kiss sometimes when I'm missing her, and it remids me of kissing her soft little lips.

As for the outfit, I would mention it and ask them first. For me and my husband, we had a hard time finding the right outfit, but were certain that we wanted to choose it ourselves. What we did was choose the outfit she would wear until we left the hospital. The outfit we chose was snuggle and comfortable and warm. The day we left the hospital, we changed her into a pretty (fancier) dress outfit that the hospital had provided for her. We had her cremated in this dress, and kept the outfit we had chosen. We keep it in a sealed bag in her memory chest, and it still smells just like her. She was alive for two hours (she had Potter's) and she wore it while she was alive and for the three days I was in the hospital. I keep and cherish that outfit - I didn't wash it so it would retain her smell, and there is nothing in the world that can "take me back" to holding her in my arms than holding her outfit, closing my eyes, and breathing her in.

Maybe if your sister and her husband would really like to choose the outfit sweet Samantha will be buried, you could offer your outfit as something for her to wear while she spends time with her in the hospital...will she be having a c-section, or natural birth (the positive thing about my c-section was that they couldn't rush me off after the birth - I spent three nights in the hospital, and could see my angel, and hold her as much as I wanted after she passed - it was actually very therapeutic to be able to spend this time with her body, doing all those things and building what small memories I could...).

Anyway sorry for my extended reply; I hope this was of some help.

[Brooke]

I agree with Beth's comments above. I think that any gift given to someone who is or will be experiencing the loss of a baby is something that will bring them comfort later on when they no longer have their baby physically here with them on earth. I cherish every gift we got for Emma and I have a curio cabinet filled with her momentos and I can look at them anytime or show anyone or just show my boys and talk about their sister with them.

Brooke

[Tricia Hackney]

I think that the charm bracelet would be a wonderful gift - you could even incorporate Beth's necklace idea and have a charm already picked out to honor Samantha's birth and present it to Mom before delivery. Maybe your photographer could use in an image or 2 even. You and your husband are so filled with love for Samantha and her mom and dad - it is so evident in your posts. God be with you as you are there for them. We're here if you need us.

[Teresa Howell]

Follow your heart. If it feels right do it. Personally, I love every idea you have .... it is all about remembering and having keepsakes.

[motherofthree]

I wanted to clarify my comments from earlier. About the clothes - the reason I felt so strongly that I and my husband should pick them out and purchase them ourselves is because there is just so very little that we could do to parent Kavya - we will not be buying her clothes for years to come - they were the only clothes we would ever be able to purchase for her- ever! I wanted so badly to do every little thing I could to parent her while I had that chance, and that was one of those few things. So for me the clothing thing was a very personal parenting thing I chose to do myself (also I had a family member try to force me to take clothing she had bought for Kavya to wear after she was born and to be cremated in after I had specifically told her that we were making those specific purchases ourselves).

However, not everyone would feel like me - someone too overwhelmed or that deals with the coming loss of their baby differently might not be equipped to make those decisions. That's why I think with the clothing issue, you should ask your sister if she wants/needs it, or would just like it for a keepsake. And then try not to fell hurt if she says no (like my relative did).

I do treasure every memento I was given - blankets, stuffed animals, cards, letters, keepsakes - it meant so much just that she was remembered and cherished by people enough that they thought of giving her gifts during her short life and after her death. OK, I'm rambling again. SORRY!!!

[amburke2]

Amy,
I like both ideas. For the charm bracelet, it's not only a confirmation of your sister's motherhood but also a periodic reminder that you think of Samantha, too - something I think all of us who have had our child who died ignored by family and friends appreciate. I received a neckalce from my mother when Timothy was born, and I wore it for the first time Mother's Day because it had that special significance to me.

For the clothes, I would suggest giving them to your sister and brother-in-law with the explanation that you knew they were having a hard time finding something they liked, so you thought of them and bought this for Samantha, and they're free to do what they wish with it. We received many gifts for Timothy - books, stuffed animals, blankets, etc. - and while we did pick out his clothes ourselves, we took pictures with the other items as a record that they were for him and he used them while he was with us. One of the blankets we received was specifically purchased for Timothy to be buried in (he also had Potter's Syndrome), and in the end I was grateful that aunt had the forthought to give us that blanket. I knew I wanted to have him buried in a blanket, but I hadn't thought to buy one for that purpose, so we would not have been able to keep the hospital blanket he spent all his time in and was therefore more special to us had it not been for that gift.

Sorry for the long reply...I guess the short version is that as a parent of a child in a similar situation as Samantha, I would appreciate gifts along these lines. Especially since you have given gifts to other nephews and nieces after their births, these things validate that Samantha is part of the family and gets the same treatment as all the other children.

[samanthasaunt]

Thank you all so much for your responses. I think I will follow my heart and my instincts and give them the gifts.

Amy