Pregnant and not over it...

[motherofthree]

I'm posting this here because I think this is something I would love to say to some people in my life, and probably wont have the guts. Perhaps someone will read it and be able do deal with a still greiving parent. I know hate is a strong word; I do not hate the people in my life that are treating me this way. I love them, which is why it hurts even more - why their actions and words are that much more hateful to me.

I am NOT over it.
I still hurt. I'm sometimes still angry. I still miss her ever day. I still cry. I still ache. I still yearn. I still dream. I still wish for her back. I AM STILL HER MOTHER. I still mourn and grieve. I hate that you assume that she's out of my mind just because another baby is in my body. I hate that you assume I have moved on. I hate that you think I've "recovered" from my loss. I hate that you have stopped acknowledging her because there's a "new" one on the way. While I can look forward to another baby, I wil ALWAYS have a hole in my heart, my life, where Kavya should have been. Another baby cannot fill that hole - don't assume it; I don't expect it...I don't WANT her or him to fill that hole. This baby is new to me; it does nothing to erase the pain of missing my Kavya. I might be able to better handle my greif, to hide it better, to understand it better, to live with it...but it is still there. It will never leave me, no matter how many children I have to love in my arms, there will always be one that I hold and love in my heart. She will never be in my past. She is now and always will be because my love did not die with her - my LOVE will always be "now". I truly believe that the more people you have to love, the greater your capacity to love. I can mourn and love my Kavya and celebrate my new baby simultaneously. This one does not exclude or erase the one that came before - my precious Kavya. I hate that you think it or for even thinking I do...

[Cheryl Haggard]

oh wow...can I use your words, too, minus the pregnant part?
Very powerful! You need to shout these words. I know I am listening...

[Shelly]

Dear Beth, You are SO RIGHT! There will forever be a hole in your heart, with time that hole will grow to a scar and then something will rip it open again. Your precious Kavya will always be with you no matter what.

I'm not defending people, but I think our loved ones especially get so concerned for us when we are in the deepest despair that a new baby is an avenue for them to move forward out of that place of despair.....in fact, I think it's all about their comfort level, not yours at all. A grieving parent can be there for YEARS (I know from experience!!), but plug along with daily life. A non-greiving parent may not understand that....maybe not even see that the old Beth (or Shelly or any one of us) is gone forever. We are a new person on the other side of the death of our children. Like it or not.

New baby does not and will not replace Kavya. I hope for you, with time, you will strike a balance between pain and joy. I hope your sorrow will not drown your joy of the new baby. In my own case, it took five subsequent children before I could truly enjoy that miracle who I held in my hands. I missed a lot becuase of my pain, I hope you will not.

Give that belly a little pat for me.
Shelly

[Lisa Kammel]

WOW Beth, what powerful words!!!! I know that my mother would agree with you too. She proudly wears her mothers ring with 4 not 3 birthstones. My big brother will forever be a part of her our lives even though he has been gone for 47 years!!!! Is it OK if I share your words with her?

[Marcus Momma]

Your so right. I tell people I am going to have 4 kids not just 3. So does my husband I don't consider myself to only have going to have 3. He was here and as alive as can be.

[linda]

Speechless and Goosebummed! Added to the many things people have said that have changed me FOREVER!!! You are amazing!!!

[JenniferBrown]

Beth,

Your words need to be published! It completely explains a lot of how we feel. I have 3 children on this earth but it doesn't erase the children I lost and are in Heaven. More people need to read what you so bravely wrote out and understand that someone who lost their child doesn't EVER get 'over it'!!!

Big hugs sweetie!

[motherofthree]

Thank you everyone...
Lisa, of course you can share my words. I was thinking about all those people, like me, that may never have the strength to say it out loud to the person or people that need to hear. Maybe those people will read that here when they are searching for ways to support their loved one who has experienced a loss...who knows?

[Andi]

It is as if you wrote was was in my heart. Thank you so much for putting these feelings to words.

Thank you!

Andi

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[mise]

I could have written that myself! I too am pregnant and struggle daily with other peoples reaction to this baby and lack of though to my lost precious baby Joseph. Thank you for making me feel not so alone and crazy!

[Stacy Holley]

You have put into words what I could not. Avery was a twin. She died 6 days after I gave birth. Her twin Noah was healthy and lives. I can't tell you how many times I heard, "Well, at least you got to bring one home." WTH???? I finally started telling people, "OK, which one of your children would it be ok to die? You have 2 others, so I guess you wouldn't miss just one of yours." It shuts them up! Your words are much more eloquent than mine!

[Shelly]

One of our sayings at my support group was "Any statement that starts with 'at least' is NOT good!"

It is NOT OK to lose a child.

[MadiAidMak]

Beth,
You are a wonder with words.I am too pregnant (29 weeks) and dealing with people thinking that I am "over" losing my angels. No matter what ever happens or how many children I have I will forever have a spot in my arms and heart that are empty and missing Aiden and Makayla. Thank you for putting into words what I have been thinking for months!!

[Lindzy Foster]

Beth,
You so eloquently wrote exactly how i felt through my pregnancy with Syenna and how I still feel after her birth....I love my newest daughter but in no way does it erase, replace, or change anything about my grief or love for Kaydence, in fact I miss Kaydence more everyday..big hugs! thank you for saying what we all feel!

[KEA's Mom]

What people fail to understand is that despite our children having passed away, they are, and will always be, an active presence in our lives. We will always love them, miss them, mourn them, celebrate them in our everyday lives, not in the past tense. We understand how you feel, Beth, and we celebrate ALL of your children with you. Your family is trying to push the sadness away, and embrace the happiness of your new little one. As Kavya's Mom, you can embrace both.

[Lacey Canaday]

DITTO, People are soo fast to assume that you are trying to replace our angles. WE ARE NOT. They will always be with us no matter what. With the extreem joy of an new baby, also comes the overwhelming feelings of loss for our angels. They will hopefully never have to have these feelings, but at the same time people need understand that a new baby will Never EVER take away the pain of the loss of our Angels.

[Krista]

WOW!! The way you take your emotions and match them with words...so powerful. You are a strong and courageous woman Beth, and Kavya is smiling down at her mommy. Thank you Beth!!

(((HUGS)))

[suesam]

My sister should read those words you wrote cause she appearently thinks I should get over Kiras death and move on. That it isn't healthy for us I will always love her never forget her and cherish the 22 days I spent with her. Visiting her every day in the hospital was the greatest times.

[Abigailsmommy]

Beth all I can say is WOW. You are so great with words. I do not think people who have never been where we are will ever understand what we feel but they need to try and I think if they read what you wrote that might help. Our Angels may be in Heaven but they are always in our hearts and with us every day no matter how many more children we might go on to have.

[Hope]

Extremely well said.....AMEN!!!!!!!!

[Angela Donaldson]

HUGS I love it I could have written that myself. I have a little one now who I delivered just 2 days before Ethans 1st Heavenly Birthday. I think the world around me didnt get it, of course I was having another baby but would in no way replace Ethan or fill all the dreams I had of/for him.

[Benjamin's Mommy]

I wish I was a wordsmith like you are. Thank you for sharing your words. I hope you don't mind if I borrow them! I'm not pregnant, but the sentiment holds true with my Benjamin and my other living kids.

[motherofthree]

I wouldn't call myself a wordsmith~! Just speaking from my heart, and gut. Of course you can borrow them...you all own these feelings just as much as I do!