Twin Demise at 18 weeks

[SiSD]

Hi folks,

I don't know if this is the right place, but figured I should post. On Wed. my wife & I got some terrible news out of the blue at our routine 20 week ultrasound. One of our non-identical twin boys had died about 10 days ago either due to a undetected heart condition or a chromosome abnormality (such as Down's syndrome or something similar). The other baby so far seems fine. Our OBGYN, specialist (referred to us that day to determine the cause of death) and a family friend who is a OBGYN all tell us just how rare it was this happened at 20 weeks, that we had 1-2% chance of this happening. (our AFP blood test at 14 wks was neg.)

My wife & I are now in the weird, sad & happy state that we have 18-20 more weeks (hopefully) while baby B “Paul”grows healthy while his brother's lies next to him. When baby B is born then the doctors can determine the exact cause of death from baby A “William”. I'm glad that baby A won't suffer and that he's in heaven but we sorta feel at a loss to have got thru the 1st trimester perfectly, have no family history, have a clear blood test and then have a nightmare happen one day @ 20wks. It feels weird that this happened with only a 1-2% chance and that we can't even get some closure until the birth of Baby B.

I wish this was just a bad dream but each morning it doesn’t end. We cry everyday. I know we should make a memory box. (We’ll have to add the 3d ultrasound video from 14 weeks to it. That’s going to be hard to watch Will kicking around and looking like a normal baby when we know he would get his angel wings about 4 weeks later.)

I still kiss both boys each morning (Will is lower down in the womb, Paul’s higher up) and say goodnight to them. Now I feel cut in half, happy for Paul but sad at the same time while my wife carries Will around and we can’t get closure and move on.

I have been reading this, climb-support and twinstuff and have a general idea of what's out there as far as support/things to do. Any special advice for getting thru this unusual, sad situation?

Signed,
Sad in San Diego

[Marcus Momma]

I am so sorry. That is terrible I can only imagine what the both of you are going through. I will be praying. Try to make as many memories as possible. That will be the most important thing.

[Christine Barrack]

Dan,
I am so sorry. I can feel your pain and joy. I pray you will find comfort that Will is in the arms of God, perfect and at peace in the love that surrounds him and all he received from you. I pray that you and your wife will find strength to find the closure you seek.
I will be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. We are here for you anytime you need.
You are asking for advise for your situation and things to do. Enjoy this time. Prepare by learning all you can. I would make a birth plan and have it discussed with the doctor and hospital prior to delivery as well as those that support you such as family and friends or clergy. A few things I wish I had done are to have a maternity portrait session, you can also contact a NILMDTS photographer and they may be able o provide that. A belly cast made of my big belly. NILMDTS portraits after the birth. Time to make my own memory box. Have a gown for Will and Paul (if you need HAIN may be able to provide these if given advance notice and they are beautiful). Hand and feet cast of baby, not just the foot or hand prints. I know this next one is painful, but as a mother of an angel I have regrets I don't want you to have....I was so devistated that I couldn't even pick out the final arrangements myself-my in-laws did it for me. I so wish I would have had time to pick the casket, gown, flowers, music and service. I also wish my pastor would have been available to baptise/bless my angel. I wish I would have done all those things and more. A good place to read is on the forum here is "So what do you wish you would have done....".
I know I can't take away your pain. I can be here for you and your family and pray for you.
Blessings,
Christine

[barbkelly]

Dan, I am so sorry. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[Tammy]

Have you and your wife had maternity images taken? I know there are photographers willing to do this for families~ something to think about. I am so saddened to learn of William~ I can not imagine the emotions you and your family are going through. Please know we are here for you when you need us. My thoughts and prayers being sent your way~

[efswsjuly17]

Cherish every moment you can spend with your wife and babies. Take lots of maternal pictures, that would be a good rememberance of little Will and may be bring some closure. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this time. May you find the courage and strength to get through this. God has a plan for your family.

Brandy

Mommy to Tanner-12, Cara-10, Bryce-6, and my Heavenly angel Emma who sprouted her wings on July 17, 2008

[Valerie'sMomma]

Dan,
I am sorry for your your loss of William. I had a similar pregnancy experience. I was pregnant with identical twins and lost one in the first 6 weeks of pregnancy. While my body tried to "abort" the first baby, it made the surviving twin very sick. Valerie was born at 30 weeks gestation and she passed 1 week after birth. Unlike your wife my AFP came back high but the amnio came back normal for Valerie.

Even though William has his wings, take lots of photo's of your wife's pregnant tummy- something I didn't do. Talk to both of your boys, I think it will help you feel that closeness you weren't ready to give up with William. Talk with your wife, share how you are feeling and remind her that you love her and both of your children. No matter what, William was here and he will always be your child.

PLease take care- I hope Paul does well the next 20 weeks and grows to be strong and healthy.

[Kerry]

I am so sorry to hear the loss of baby William. I pray for Paul a healthy and easy road for him into this world. My best friend had a similar situation with twin girls. Her baby vanished after 14 weeks. She had found she had two uterus. Unaware. Took a long time for her to tell me since I was having twin girls as well. In the end I lost my twin daughter at 34 weeks. So in away we went into this together and both lost a baby but at different times. We live miles away but were there for each other. I am glad I have that bond with her.
Making a slide show would be nice for you and your family. Then you always have it. I am still not done with it I keep finding things I want to add then take pictures but waiting for the perfect day to take them with the lighting since they are outside. Since fall is coming I guess I better get on it.
I do feel for you even though I am rambling. My daughter Sarah is 3 an d I can still look in her eyes and wonder what her sister would be like. I remember holding Mallory and wishing now how I could of hold them both at the same time. I regret that but I think it was out of my hands since Sarah was hooked up in NICU. Can't hurt to ask.
I am sorry you were chosen this journey it is very sad but remember your not alone and we are all hear to listen. Your not alone you will find many of us in your situation. I was a roller coaster for awhile and I just went for the ride and made it easier then fighting it. Best way I can explain. Go with what your heart tells you to do.

Kerry
Mother of Olivia,Sarah,Lane and Heavenly Angel Mallory

[Marlena]

SiSD
Sorry to hear of the loss of Baby William. I pray you and your wife are given the strength and patience as you wait for Baby Paul.
I lost a twin at 37 weeks. Losing a twin while raising a survivor is a bittersweet experience. Although limited there are excellent resources available for twin loss.
Please private message me and we can talk more in depth.
Marlena

[motherofthree]

Dear San Diego father, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your sweet William. I can't imagine the duality of pain and joy you have in your heart - the conflicting emotions. It must be so very hard to bear. But the loss of your William is no less because you have a life to celebrate. Take time to mourn him, even as you celebrate his brother, Paul. I am so very sorry to hear you are facing the loss that we have in common here on this forum.

We are here if you or yor wife need to talk or need a sounding board. Know you have lots of people praying for your angel and your family...

[MrsSpencer]

I am so sorry for your loss of little William. On my other board I frequent there is a lady there who was also pregnant with twins, due early November. Her little boy arrived 19 weeks too early, I believe his sac ruptured, but she will have to tell you the details. She is currently waiting for approval from the moderators, but she wanted me to tell you she is thinking of you and your family. I didn't know what to say to you, and I know how rare it is to lose a twin, so I gave her a link to this site so she can help you, and once she's approved wants to share with you her story, and how her husband and herself has coped. I wish you peace at this time, and hopefully she will be here soon to talk to you, since she knows how you feel. Her name will be amyinga, so just keep an eye out, as she really would like to offer her support.

[HAINAngel2000]

If you need anything from HAIN (Thanks Christine for letting me know, I missed the post) contact us we will be more then honored to serve your family. We are at your service if you need.

[amyinga]

Dan,

I have sent you a private message.

You, your wife, and your sons are in my prayers.

Amy

[MrsSpencer]

Good to see you here (well not for the reasons of course) amy.

[SiSD]

Thanks everyone for your support here or in PMs. I'll check out HAIN also and will post an update after our doc appt. later this week.

[MadiAidMak]

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet boy.I too was pregnant with twins (Aiden adn Makayla) and after all the tests came back normal I lost them at 21w 6d due to an infection. Make as many memories as you can and know that you and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Tricia Hackney]

I'm sorry for your loss and pray that baby Paul will be safe strong and healthy.

[SiSD]

Here’s an update: Paul is doing fine, measuring 22 weeks. We (I have been and will in the future go to every appt. – looking back I’m glad I was there at least when we got the terrible news) have got dr. appts every two weeks from now on until our scheduled cesarean on 1/2/09 (DW needs a caesarean since William is near the cervix). 2nd crib has been returned, nursery is getting close to ready for Paul.


During this last appt. the doctor freaked out my wife. He says “here’s baby A” (William) and then moves to Baby B (Paul) but doesn’t say that and then says “looks like he’s moving”. DW who wasn’t looking at the screen was very confused for a second. Sort of like I was confused when the dr. couldn’t find Will’s heartbeat at 20 wks but confirmed Paul’s heartbeat first and then looked again at Will.

It’s sad to see Will on the U/S monitor, he looks smaller than his brother but not hugely so, and looks like he’s sleeping to the untrained eye.

DW & I agree that as hard as it was to go thru this at our 20 week appt, our hearts go out to all the ladies who have lost both twins, or learned about their angels in the 3rd trimester, at or after birth. Of course, since it took us 5 years to get this far (chemical preg pos last year, now this), we have struggled too. May every one of our little angels watch over us all.

[Christine Barrack]

Dan,
Thanks so much for the update. I have and will continue to pray for your family.
I am so glad you can be there for every apt with DW. It is an emotional rollercoaster and you need eachother.
It must be very difficult to see Will on the U/S monitor. It would be nice if you were able to get a 3D U/S of him now. My heart goes out to you.
I haven't had a twin demise. Things went very wrong during labor and I delivered an angel. I remember the urgent U/S on her and thinking she should just wake up, she looked so at peace like she was sleeping. I wish I would have gotten the U/S picture but didn't think about it in the time of distress.
Please keep us posted. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Blessings,
Christine

[SiSD]

Thank you. We do have a 3D utlrasound of the boys at 14 weeks (Will can be seen moving lightly 'punching' his brother back.) That will go in the memory box.

[Kerry]

I am glad you go with for u/s and monitoring.. I think its important for both of you. When we found out one of my twins had passed my ob doctor had me doing tons of flips on the bed to get them to move. Then she ordered a better one at the hospital hoping it was wrong and babies needed to wake up. I was in such denial got there and hearing all the whispers and then them telling me one had passed away. I will never forget that morning. They left my husband and I alone in a dark room and gave me the phone to call if needed. I called my mom right away and she said I will be right there. She lived 3 hours away but that kept me going the rest of the time and not give up. I have pictures of them together and they look so healthy having fun and how something so bad can happen so quickly. Sorry for the rambling but make sure to keep the photos and make back ups so they don't distort or get ruined from light. It will be important to Paul to know William. Keep us updated on her progress with the babies and remember you will never lose the bond in between both of them. My best friend and godmother to the babies gave me this poem and used it at the funeral and everywhere else. I just love it and has so much meaning but may bring tears to my eyes but brings me happiness that she has not forgotten us as well. Here it is...
God created us as one,but He split us into two,
an angel came to take me, my life began anew
I had to leave you Sarah Marie,
Because God called me home
But the bond between us, will never be broken,
Wherever you may roam.

Olivia, you are my sister,that I love so very much
Sisters banded, sisters true, Sarah me and you.
Do you see that twinkling star above?
That's me! I 'm winking down at you!

Mommy I will miss you, you kept me safe and warm,
I felt your love surround me, in my place within your womb,
I'll love you for all eternity, even though I had to part,
But mommy don't you know...To you_I left my heart.

Daddy, you are my forever hero,My knight in shining armor
I'm daddy's little girl, I'd love to be there with you...
But don't you see, I left my heart to mommy...
But to you I left the key.

Love, Mallory Irene
I will be thinking of you and your family . And I hope the best for her through the rest of the pregnancy.

Kerry
Mother of Olivia,Sarah,Lane and Heavenly Angel Mallory

[motherofthree]

Thank you so much for keeping us updated. I'm very happy to hear that Paul is still doing well. I've been thinking about you all. How is your wife doing?

[Stacy Holley]

I am so glad to hear Paul is doing well. I know your pain/joy. It is hard to believe that you can feel both at the same time. I have had 2 twin demises. One at 12 weeks with my first pregnancy (later delivered a healthy boy) and my daughter Avery, twin sister to Noah, died 6 days after I gave birth. It is truly bittersweet. I will keep you and your wife in my thoughts and prayers.

[SiSD]

Here’s an update: Paul is doing fine, measuring 23 weeks, 4 days (+/- 10 days) and weighs 20 ozs. This time we got good ultrasound pictures of his face, his profile (he was sucking his thumb) and his heart. The only concern at this point is watching his growth rate and blood flow thru the cord. Since he has a velamentous insertion (basically the cord attached to the edge of the placenta, this occurs more often in twins & even more in super twins) (velamentous insertion is a risk factor for vasa previa, which is serious). The perinatologist is hoping & expecting that it will be fine. (And we won’t worry cause worrying never helps.)

William’s still there ‘hanging out’ (as I call it). I honestly know I won’t feel closure until delivery and I’ll have moments where I’ll be in denial and still think he’s alive. I’m sure my wife will be the same.

On Sunday we are meeting with Vyonne, who runs the local CLIMB affiliate bimonthly group. (We have spoken over the phone before.) It will be nice to chat with her person to person.

[Marcus Momma]

I am glad to here Paul is doing good. You are still in my prayers.

[JenniferBrown]

I'm so glad you are keeping us updated. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss of William. I have kept little Paul in my prayers as with you and your wife.

[SiSD]

Here is an update: Several weeks ago my wife & I had a nice meeting with two women at the local CLIMB affiliate bimonthly group. I think speaking with others who have gone through a similar terrible situation really helps me. My wife & I also are reading the grief books: "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart", "A Silent Sorrow", and "Empty Arms".

Paul is doing fine, measuring where he should for his gestational age at 27 weeks, 4 days (+/- 10 days) and weighs 2 lbs, 2 oz. Attached to this post is the latest ultrasound picture of his face.

He still has a velamentous insertion and the perinatologist plans to monitor him until birth.

William has been compressed by Paul into the placenta. The ultrasound tech showed us where he was, but mostly you can really make out his spine (which is now about 1/3? the size of Paul’s spine) and a mass of bones near the cervix. Both our doctors now say my wife will not need a C-section. (Which is funny since we both half-listened during our childbirth classes since we were told by two docs she would "for sure" be having a C-section. Upon hearing this today, our perinatologist said no worries, "all you need is a good epidural".) Finding out William is compressed was bittersweet. It is bitter in that there is now even less 'baby' to see and hold when delivered (I am even a bit jealous of parents who get to hold their stillborn child); but it is also sweet in that his diminishing allows the possibly of a natural delivery. A twin demise experience truly is made up of many bittersweet moments.

Signed,
Sad in San Diego

PS- I want to thank Jen here at NILMDTS for her kind help in looking for a photographer, but based off William's condition it looks like he won't be in any sort of condition to photograph even a foot or what not. If any parents have had their demise twin in a similar condition and if they had enough to photograph please let me know. Thanks.

[Valerie'sMomma]

Thank your for the update. I am happy to hear that Paul is doing so well and sad to hear about William's new condition. Paul looks so handsome. I will be praying that your wife's pregnancy goes well. I hope you will be doing a maternity session- since these maybe the only photos you get of of your boys together. Knowing that William was safe within her tummy.

[motherofthree]

Bittersweet news - I'm also glad to hear that Paul is doing well. It is tempered by sadness that William has been "compressed". I think a maternity session would be a good idea. However (and I'm saying this without knowing anything about what condition William will be in after delivery), perhaps you can keep a photographer notified just in case there is a foot, toes, or hand or something. Or just take your own camera and get a couple of shots, if possible.

Thank you so much for keeping us updated. Thinking of and praying for your family...

Beth

[Kerry]

IT was good to hear from you guys. I was getting concerned since it has been awhile. Glad Paul is growing and doing good. William won't be forgotten you will be surprised how Paul will always know about his brother.
I am not either sure about pictures of William but the Maternity session would be a good idea and maybe have done a composite with the ultrasounds in the photo with you guys. I am sure they can make it look real nice.
My friend lost her baby at 20 weeks, she had twins along the same time as me but she delivered one and could not get picture of her other baby since with time the other baby vanishes but I remember all the ultra sounds and saw it there!
Keep us updated and I am sorry the outcome is not what you expected but look forward to the arrival for a safe delivery for Paul.

Kerry
Mother of Olivia,Sarah,Lane and Heavenly Angel Mallory

[KEA's Mom]

Thinking of you and praying for all of you.

[katelyn]

Thank you for sharing your story with us here. I hope you do find some comfort here. My baby Katelyn was stillborn, and I cherish the moments I got to hold her, but like others have said there are things I wish I had done with Katelyn. I hope you are able to cherish every moment with your son Paul, and always hold baby Will in your heart.

[Austin's Momma]

I guess I did this a little backwards...I looked at the pictures of your newborn baby boy, Paul (and he is just beautiful by the way) and then I read about your complicated and confusing pregnancy and loss of baby William. I'm so sorry that you weren't able to bring both boys home. It must have been such a stressful pregnancy and I'm so glad that Paul was born healthy. I learned that my son had a problem with his esophagus at 24 weeks...no red flags before then...all the tests had looked good before. So we too were really caught off guard. It's just a harsh reminder of how precious and fragile life is--and also what a miracle it is that there are so many babies born every day. Take care of your little miracle Paul and (((hugs))) to you and your family. ~Sarah

[Kerry]

Thanks for the update. Looks or should say sounds good by email. I can't wait to see pictures of Paul. We won't forget William. Maybe if no photos can be taken another idea would be is to take the Placenta and bury under one of your trees. They are suppose to help plants grow. You could buy a little tree in memory of William and put that in the ground as well. Then that connection you will have with William. Just an idea .
I will keep checking to see Paul's progress! We will be thinking of your family over the holidays and praying for smooth sailing through the rest of the pregnancy...

Kerry
Mother of Olivia,Sarah,Lane and Heavenly Angel Mallory

[JenniferBrown]

I'm so thankful Paul is still doing so very well and that you haven't had to induce him early due to William being in there with him. Paul is adorable! I love his chubby cheeks. :) We will all be checking in to see how everything is going with you guys.
By the way, I LOVE the idea of planting his placenta under a memory tree. To go one step further, you could plant the tree and then each year photograph little Paul by his Memory Tree of his brother, William. :)

[Matthew's mom]

It is so hard to lose a baby-at any stage-these ladies have given great advise! Although you are sad, make and keep memories and cherrish every moment. Count your blessings for continued health for your other little one and your wife. Will be praying for you all.