I've reached "that place"

[Jayme]

I know so many of you already and continue to experience the same feelings. When we first found out we were pregnant, I was ecstatic! I have now hit the scared ******** place. I had a little spotting yesterday although an ultrasound confirmed that everything was fine. Baby is measuring right on schedule and heartrate was 167. I just can't seem to relax though. Today had a little more spotting and temp of 99.3. All potentially normal pregnancy experiences but I assume the worst. I wish that I could just relax and believe the doctors when they say everything is ok. Sometimes I wish that I could just sleep away the next 31 weeks and wake up with my baby in my arms.
I know some of you have already made it through and have your babies and many of you are right there right now. It is just so different when you have already lost a baby. Being nervous during pregnancy is one thing, but when you have already had something go wrong, it seems to amplify that worry.
The hardest part is that we won't know if this baby has the same problems as Justin until 16 or 20 weeks. So even if everything is ok right now, it's not a guaranty that we get to bring this one home with us. I need to stop focusing on that and focus on the positive. God gave us sufficient grace with Justin and I know He will not leave us with this one. I just need to constantly remind myself of that.

Thanks for letting me vent....

[Marcus Momma]

Girl I try to keep myself bust with my kids and try not to worry but then it hits me and i start freaking out about losing this baby. I can't do it again. i will be 17 weeks monday but it still scares me. I have been trying to keep the thought out of my head but i just watched marcus' video and started bawling do u know how long its been since i cried watching that. I try not to think about it and it makes me worse.

[MadiAidMak]

I try to just go on and not worry,but then when he goes a little while with out kicking I FREAK OUT!!! I am a little better now and am 29 weeks.I too wanted to sleep until I had him safe and sound in my arms.I will kepp both of you in my prayers.

[Andi]

Jayme,

I'm so in that place too! A few months after Thomas passed, I just wanted to be pregnant again! Now that I am pregnant, I am pretty much terrified all the time. Like you, I don't have the welcome distraction of other children...and my fur-children will only snuggle with me for so long :-)

I woke up yesterday (Thursday morning) with a slight throbbing in my lower right abdomen. It lasted all day. My nausea has also subsided and I wasn't starving like normal. Although these are also potentially normal pregnancy experiences also, I started to freak out. We had a missed miscarriage March, 2007. The baby passed at about 9 1/2 wks but we didn't find out til the 12 wk ultrasound. I had no bleeding and my only symptoms were lack of symptoms...nausea, breast tenderness, and "puffy" belly went away. I had never heard of such a thing and we were obviously devestated. I was terrified that it was happening again. There was no way that I could wait another 2 wks for the 12 wk ultrasound.

I called my Dr.'s office Friday morning and sounded like a crazy person, "Nope, no bleeding, no pain. Can I come in to see my child?" The receptionist passed me off to the nurse who "wanted to talk to me." For goodness sakes!! Don't they have my history on my chart? I think that it should blink in bold red letters (the charts are all electronic) "LET THIS WOMAN HAVE WHATEVER SHE WANTS. SHE'S BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH!" But I got the 3rd degree..."I'm going to have to check with the Dr. and call you back."

I was in grief counseling (fitting) when she called back and left the message, "the Dr. was going to leave at 4 PM, but in light of your request, she has agreed to stay late. Please be prompt." For the record, the Dr. was 35 minutes late and she wasn't put out at all. She did the ultrasound (both external and internal when she saw that I was going to have a panic attack if I didn't see a strong heartbeat with a moving baby). She made me feel normal and at ease. My grief counselor said that I'm having a "conditioned response" given my only experiences are negative. Once they are replaced with positive memories, I will handle things better. I so want to believe her. :-) Until then, I think that it is understandable and acceptable that we need a little more comfort and reassurance. My warm thoughts, prayers, and hugs are flying your way. :-D

I am thinking about renting one of those Doppler Fetal Heart Monitors that they have at the Dr.'s office. That way no one else will know that I'm crazy, and I can use it in the privacy of my own home. :-) Have you thought about getting/gotten one? Do they help?

Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

Andi

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[motherofthree]

Jayme, I know exactly how you are feeling. I've been at "that" place since I found out. I'm just now getting a bit excited (felt the baby move yesterday and this morning). I want to hopefully reassure you, though...for my second pregnancy, which produced my darlig Priya (now 3 yrs old), I had spotting right around 9.5 weeks. I was terrified because my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage around at 10 weeks. And today I have a lovely 3-year old girl. I'm praying for you and your little sweetheart.

[Jayme]

Beth,
Thank you- that is a little bit reassuring. Everything else seems to be fine and so far today- I've had no spotting at all. I talked to my OB yesterday because I was nervous that it was continuing and she said that it may take awhile for it all to work itself out.

Andi,
I hear you. I can't tell you how much better I felt after seeing that little flutter and hearing the heartbeat. I wish I had seen it move though. I am hoping that we can do another ultrasound at 12 weeks. I have looked in to dopplers and have gone back and forth. Before we were pregnant again, I was determined that I would have one. Then I was hesitant because I didn't want to have more "procedures" than needed. Now I am pretty sure that I want one. Just because even after having a normal ultrasound on Thursday, I am already worried again. At least until I can feel the baby moving regularly, I think being able to hear the heartbeat whenever I need to will help keep me sane and give my dr time to deal with other patients. I have looked at StorkRadio.com. Are there others that are better?

As much as I wish that none of you had to be here, I am sooooo thankful for you. It it reassuring to know that I am not alone in my craziness and obsessive worry. I pray that this winter/spring we may all breathe a huge sigh of relief as these little babies are born healthy one by one.

[Andi]

Jayme - I was reading a pregnancy magazine and saw ads for babybeat.com and StorkRadio.com. There are differences in price and quality. I'm still trying to figure them out. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get one. If I could plug a headphone into my belly and listen to the heartbeat constantly, I would. :-)

Take care,

Andi

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[Jayme]

Praise God. My spotting has continued over the past week- scant but still there. So I finally called my OB today to see if she would let me come in for an ultrasound or at least to hear the heartbeat. She said to come on in and she herself even did the ultrasound for me. The baby looked fine, the flutter of the heartbeat was there and it was even moving its arms around. She told me that I was welcome to come back next week and which days she would be in the office. I know not everyone has this experience with doctors and I myself have had negative experiences with other doctors but I truly thank God for her. She said she would rather have me come in every week and feel better than to wait.
Hopefully the spotting will stop. She still didn't see any reason for it. But she seemed pretty confident that things were looking good. Now I just need to get to the big ultrasound so we can know that this baby does not have the same condition as Justin.

Thanks for listening and being supportive!

[motherofthree]

Oh, I am so very happy for you. I've been wondering how you're doing. Thanks for letting us know your little one is still doing well. Hang in there! Lots of prayers are going out for you and Justin's baby brother or sister.

[Brooke]

Jayme,

Just wanted to share a little experience that I had with my second son, Ethan. At 8 weeks pregnant with him, I had a gush of bright red blood, like my water had broken. I flew to the clinic to find out that there he was prefectly inside me with his heart fluttering away. My husband and I both thought I was forsure having a miscarraige, but after the US they told us he was just fine. They couldn't explain where the blood came from either. After some mild one day bed rest the bleeding totally went away and the rest of my pregnancy was uneventful!!! Ethan is now 3 1/2 busy boy!!! So hang in there. I'm sure your bleeding will too subside. Just remember that brown colored blood is completely normal during the first trimester. It is the bright red period blood that you want to look out for. If your ever uncertain just call your doctor up, she sounds like a good understand doctor from your above posts. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!!!

Love,

Brooke

[Jayme]

Thank you Brooke. I have now had 2 days with no spotting, no brown discharge! In fact the first time it happened I was so excited I called my mom since my husband was at a meeting. So far, this is the first Thursday in 3 weeks that I did not visit my OB for an ultrasound. I see her for my next appointment next Thursday and hopefully we will be able to see the baby again then. We should also be able to schedule our first level 2 ultrasound to look for any of the abnormalities that Justin had for our 16 week appointment. Each day is a blessing.

[motherofthree]

Jayme, so happy and relieved for you!!!! I've been wondering how you are doing, and am so glad to hear good news again.

[Jayme]

Thanks Beth! It's so comforting to know that there are people that have my baby and I in their thoughts and prayers. How far along are you now? I've been wondering but couldn't remember.

[motherofthree]

Jayme, I was 16 weeks on Tuesday. We had an appointment yesterday (Thurs) and I got to hear the heartbeat. Such a reassuring noise! I couldn't stop smiling! I have 8 more weeks until the major ultrasound - to make sure nothing is physically or genetically wrong. I had the AFP blood test done yesterday, too and should get results sometime next week. Hopefully good news. There's not a huge chance of something going wrong, but theres like a 3% chance of a repeat of Kavya's disorder, and increased chances of genetic abnormalities on top of that I guess. 8 weeks is too long, argh! Anyway, I know we all face these nerves and fears. It seems like we're in good company though, with so many of us expecting right now!

[Marcus Momma]

Well I am glad also everything is going well again. You know I am praying for a safe healthy baby for you and everyone else pregnant.