Having a hard time being pregnant

[Candice]

Ok so after my daughter passed away I wanted another baby more than anything, not to replace my daughter because that is not possible but because I was ready to be a mommy. I am now 12 weeks pregnant and I am having a very hard time. At first when I found out I was pregnant I was scared but happy. Now over the last couple days I just can not handle this anymore. I have this strong urge of wanting this baby out of my body! I know that if anything happened I would be devastated but I do not know how to silence this urge. My issue is that this baby growing inside of me is not my daughter and SHE is the baby that I want. I don;t want to be pregnant again I don't want to be doing all of this I JUST WANT MY DAUGHTER! I want to take care of my daughter everyday not myself and a new baby. I feel horrible about these feelings! What if something does end up happening will I be able to forgive myself for feeling this way? Am I going to be a good mom to this baby? Will I be able to love this baby like I love my daughter? Why haven't my maternal instincts kicked in? When I was pregnant with my daughter it was not planned and I was shocked and terrified but I still loved her instantly! I remember being in awe at my belly and touching it all the time telling her how much I love her. Why don't I feel likethis about my new baby. I want to feel like this about my new baby. I want to bond with this baby but my broken heart just won't let me do it. We weren't going to find out the sex of this baby but maybe if this baby has an identity it will help me bond. I'm lost and I do not know what to do! Has anyone else ever felt this way???

[Shelly]

Oh Candice, I'm so sorry! It's such a difficult time. When I was subsequently pregnant, I wanted know one to know, notice or mention it. It's was definitely the elephant in the corner of the room.

Be gentle on yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over your feelings. Intellectually you know bonding is hard because your heart is broken. Leave it at that...the bonding can be very, very hard. Maybe with time and the adjustment to being pregnant you'll feel differently.

Again, I so sorry. We're here for you.

[Marcus Momma]

I think you are going to be a fine mommy. I am sure these feelings are normal. I keep thinking what will i do if this baby looks like marcus? Will i flip out will i be able to handle having a baby that looks like him. I am 17 1/2 weeks and find out next week what i am having I pray its a girl so I won't be as shook up when the baby is born. I feel I will relive what happened to Marcus if its a boy.

[motherofthree]

Candice, don't worry - things will come around. I tend to cycle a little with my feelings, but since my last scan, I've been feeling great. YOUR FEELINGS ARE NORMAL! At the beginning of this pregnancy, I kept thinking to myself (I was alternately excited, then depressed), I would give this baby in a second if only I could have my Kavya back. This baby wasn't quite real to me yet. I didn't exactly not want this baby - I wanted to love it, I meant to love it...I just wanted Kavya more. I really think that this baby wasn't as real to me yet. And I felt HORRIBLY guilty when those thoughts would start to creep in! Then I would think I'm a horrible mother, I don't deserve this gift, etc.

I am 15 weeks now and I have felt the baby move a few times (early morning when my bladder is full), and my 12-week ultrasound was just so amazing, now I feel like I'm in love with this one, too. And talking to my therapist about how I was feeling really helped - she told me not to feel bad and that as this baby became more "real" to me I would be able to bond with it more. Perhaps as your pregnancy progresses, your feelings will evolve as well. God is not going to punish you for your pain and confusion. You are perfectly OK in having mixed feelings...that doesn't mean you will not love your baby and accept it. It's just very hard to move on.

I've now come to realize that Kavya is where God wants her - where she's supposed to be, and that I don't love her any less because this baby is where she used to be, or because I'll be able to do for this baby what I couldn't for her. As much as I wish I had her back, I couldn't exchange this baby because he (my daughter insists it's a boy!) has become just as important to me as Kavya. I can honor Kavya by loving this baby as much as I love her, and showing her how much I would have continued to love and cherish her after she was born. I'm thinking of you, praying for your peace of mind...

[MadiAidMak]

Candice,
Dont worry,youre feelings are totally normal.When I first found out that I was pregnant again I was TERRIFIED!! I really didnt tell anybody, and I was up and down if I was excited. I didnt buy anything for him and I am still very cautious about purchasing things and having a baby shower.I have had one baby shower,but I felt as if I was doing something wrong in celebrating him. I really didnt feel a "connection" with him until I found out what he was (at 12w 6d) Then when he started moving alot it got better.I am now 27w 3d and had my 4-d ultrasound today.He really looks like my husband,but not in the same way my other son did, in a way I was glad for that.I think that you are talking about how you are feeling is a good thing.Thinking of you and hoping that tonight brings you some peace

Beth, Your daughter may be right,my daughter INSISTED that this was a boy and she was right,good luck!!

[Nancy Reeves]

We weren't going to find out the sex of this baby but maybe if this baby has an identity it will help me bond. I'm lost and I do not know what to do! Has anyone else ever felt this way???

My brother and his wife lost their son shortly after birth. They opted for finding out as much about their next son as early as possible (including gender and earlier and more frequent sonograms). Whether that is helpful for everyone or not, I don't know - but they found it helpful.