"The first shutter"

[James Hickey]

I was called by my area coordinator, Leila Jones, for my first NILMDTS session. I was to be at the hospital at 4p.m. The baby (Emily) was 23 days old and was in the NICU. I bussied myself on my 50 minute drive with business and phone calls. At about 10 minutes to 4p.m., I started my calming process, including blessings for the family and staff that we were about to encounter. Leila took the lead, as she knew some staff members. The nurses were wonderful. As I knew the family expected us, I still wanted to give them their space, yet make sure I captured their Emily for memories to come. After being in the room not 20 minutes, the doctor came in and removed her from life support. At this time, I stood back and let the nurses attend to Emily. I also positioned myself, descretly, in a way as to capture Emily and the family. I choose not to use flash during this whole time, setting my camera to a high ISO, and using my lens wide open. I did ask they keep the light on above the table Emily was on. After 10 minutes we were allowed a private room where the mother was more aware of us and let us capture some final images. Again, her state of bereavement was so high, I used the modeling light and did not use my flash. After leaving, my first thought was "it seems like the first click of my shutter sent the family into a new state of awareness that I was there to capture these last few moments of Emily's life" - at this time, I did take that deep breath to finally release my tenseness and let it go. The session itself was what Leila called getting everything on my first session. I have found working with the images to be just as challenging, reminding me of the emotional state I walked into in the NICU. I am however, grateful to be able to share these images with the family.

[David Hails]

Wonderful job. My first session was a removal of life support. By myself. No one to shadow with. You caught the emotion very well. Again Great job. Thanks for sharing.

[James Hickey]

Thanks David, especially coming from a man. I know when we go into these sessions, we think one thing (camera, lighting, setting) to really get it done right. I was glad to have someone the first time.

[JenniferBrown]

You did a wonderful job. It's not an easy task to walk into a room, knowing that when you get there this family will be removing their child from life support. I'm glad you were there for them. I'm also glad Leila was there for you. She's a wonderful person, huh. :)

[Aurora]

beautiful images, you did a great job! Congratulations on finishing your first session, you did a wonderful thing!

[motherofthree]

James, I know this family will love and appreciate forever what you have provided them.

There is a different sort of quality to your pictures that I really appreciate - very real; maybe raw is the right word. As inexperienced as I am in the technical aspects of photography, I think you did a wonderful, amazing job. Awsome!!!

I'm just editing here to clarify that by raw I mean the emotion and moments that are captured so perfectly - not the image quality. And I agree with Kirk below - that first image is so very powerful.

[Kirk Kief]

That first and last image is sooo powerful! Oh, my Gosh! I hope you are doing okay. That is a tough session, but, all of our sessions are tough.

[James Hickey]

Thanks all. I have just used some of Denise Docherty's templates. Wow, they are very nicely done and so easy to use. Within a few hours of scouring the forum, I put this together for the family (thanks for the brushes - I forgot where they are on the site, but in the forum). The disk really needs to get out tomorrow for their service. I'm doing fine. I have many blessings in my life and this allows me to pass some along.
J.

[Marcus Momma]

I love the pics. I wish I had ones captured of me crying showing my grief. I wish someone would have told me it was ok to take pics with me crying. I think you did a great job with these pics. The first one is so perfect showing everything about how emotional it is at the time. You are good at what you do and I am glad these parents were blessed to have you take the photographs.

[James Hickey]

The first photo was one of my hardest. Thoughts run as to what is appropriate and when not to intrude and how do I capture their child with sensitivity. But I didn't want to leave out their emotional reality at this time.
Thanks for the encouragement. - J.

[Vicki]

James . . .

I think that the family will appreciate the emotional shots as much as the tender sweet shots. There is an acknowledgement on seeing that YES there really was so much pain, YES this was exactly as remembered, YES this was real . . .
It validates the experience in some way . . .

They are powerful, beautiful, emotional shots . . .

Vicki

[motherofthree]

And those intense moments of pain are full of so much love, too. We hurt so deeply because we love so very deeply. And those images also remind us of that love.

[Vicki]

And those intense moments of pain are full of so much love, too. We hurt so deeply because we love so very deeply. And those images also remind us of that love.

Beth . . .

Beautifully said . . .

[Marcus Momma]

I think the family will love every shot takin because like vicki said its real. They know they really cried the really mourned they really loved this much for such a new life.

[Tammy]

Beautiful images James. "The Power of Photography" is very well captured here. These priceless gifts you and Leila have provided for this family are most valuable. Thank you, for selflessly giving of yourself and your talents. I know the family will cherish these images for a lifetime~

[Dawn Marshall]

so beautiful...

[Krista]

Absolutely beautiful!!

[Jamie]

What emotionally powerful pictures! I heard somewhere that catching the emotions is not only appropriate for getting the whole experience; but helps in the healing. Later on, when viewing the pictures, the parents will see that everyone involved was effected as well, something that they may not have been fully aware of while they were in the moment.

[marybethsmomma]

You did a wonderful job!!

[efswsjuly17]

Beautiful pictures!!! Speechless right now, so very powerful!!!!

[Heather Rivlin]

You know, I know exactly what you mean by that shutter. I am so keenly aware of the sound it makes, and I often wonder if it makes parents more aware....I prefer to blend into the background.

Withdrawals from care are so very hard. They are more emotional than any other session, IMO. With a stillborn, the child has passed. With a live birth, you know they will pass, but you aren't there to witness it. You can distract yourself in the days ahead and not know the precise moment it happens. When you are right there, watching a child gasping for air, or trembling, and a parent following their instincts to try and save that child, it rips your heart from your chest, and leaves it on the floor. There is nothing harder, so for your first session, may I say you did a WONDERFUL thing.

[linda]

Oh my JAMES! You did a great honor for this family. Their sweet baby is just breath taking and you captured their time with their precious child beautifully!

Thank you so much for your service!

[KEA's Mom]

What a wonderful gift you've given to them.

[Leila]

What an emotional day! James and I met just a few minutes prior to walking in to the room. What a tough "first session" James was wonderful and professional. Such beautiful images that told the story. I am so thankful there were two of us there that day. I recently heard some feedback from the nurses that said the family stayed calm throughout the rest of the time with Emily and thanked us for bringing the peace. James your the best! Thanks for doing what you do and responding to the call!

[WendyMaybury]

Wow James.... you got it! I love to hear that you calmed yourself before going in... I always say a little prayer before and after- I think it makes all the difference.

[James Hickey]

Thank you all for your kind words and support.
Leila, thanks for the feedback from the hospital too.
I have put the show of Emily online at
http://www.jameshickey.com/show/nilmdts_emily

[motherofthree]

Beautiful angel, beautiful family, beautiful slideshow. Thank you for sharing this family with us again.

Beth

[xaviersMummy]

that was a very moving slide show

[soledad]

I was doing some research, and found this slideshow, I cant stop cring, it brought so many memories of the day that I got tho hold my baby angel Landon. Thank you ALL for this great gift that you have. You get to take the pictures and we get the gift for the pressent and future.

[efswsjuly17]

Such a touching slideshow, capturing such elegant photos. Praying for the family.

Brandy

[Jim Kronmiller]

These shots are just incredible. You have provided this family with memories that will last them a life time and allow this child to be honored and remembered. Congrats on doing your first session. You did great!

[Llnda]

Waaw James.. I got shivers down mij spine. What a fantastic serie of pictures!
My compliments!

[Emma]

Woah, that must have been exceptionally tough, makes me shudder looking at the first image, it takes me a long way back to when one of my twins didnt look like she was going to make it through open heart surgery, I was advised to start taking pictures, maybe that was as close to my first session as it gets. She made it, though not without some injury to her brain due to lack of oxygene prior to the Operation. The damage is mild and translates to a learning difficulty , so I suppose we got off lightly.

Here is the hardest Photo I have ever taken, I hope you dont mind me sharing it with you, taken in 2000 in the Intensive Care Unit. I have nevr shown anyone outside of our close family and have not lookd at it myself since 2000 until I saw your images on this thread.

[Emma]

and another.....

[marylouise]

Emma, thank you for sharing your daughter with us, It must be really hard looking at these photos. Can you share a current one of the twins?
Hugs

[Emma]

Of course. Josie is one one on the right hand side. A big girl now.

Em

[marylouise]

Oh Em, they're beautiful. Thanks for posting them. What's Josie's sister's name?