rae
10-14-2008, 07:57 PM
Hello All:
I have read a number of posts since joining the forum, but I have been unable to have the courage to write my own story. I guess writing and posting would somehow make it more real. Not that I don't live with the reality that my baby is no longer here with me--writing it meant that I would have to relive the horrific day that has forever changed my life. I have gotten so much comfort from reading all of your stories, so hopefully another mother will gain comfort by reading my story. This is one small way in which I can honor my son Amani.
So here goes:
I had waited a long time before deciding to have a child. I wanted to make sure that I was ready in all facets of my life, so that I could be completely devoted to my baby. I found out the day after Christmas '07 that I was expecting my first child. I was so excited to have a baby, and overjoyed when I found out I was having a boy since I come from a family of three girls. All in all my pregnancy had some bumps in the road, but by the end of my 3rd trimester it appeared as though everything was all good!
My due date was August 23, but the weeks preceding I hadn't dilated at all. My doctor suggested at my appt. on 8/19 that if I didn't go on my own that week, she would go ahead and schedule me for a c-section on 8/25.
I went with the plan, and anxiously awaited the arrival of my sweet baby boy--who we had named since April. I noticed that the baby was moving a little less, but the doctor indicated that as you get closer to your due date, babies run out of room to move. I figured that is why I was feeling him less over the weekend. I went into her office that Monday morning on 8/25, because she wanted to check and see if I had dilated at all. I let her know that I wasn't feeling him move--but never did I think that things weren't going to be ok. She checked for a heartbeat with the doppler (nothing)...then she moved me to the ultrasound room and I couldn't look at the screen (something in my gut knew something was wrong)., I was in that room for about 20 minutes, and she said "he is gone". I immediately broke into tears--and kept thinking this is a dream. Later that evening I I deliverd Amani James at 6:56pm on 8/25 via c-section. I was 40weeks and 2 days. He was 6lbs, 10 oz, and 19.5 inches long. He was the cutest baby I have ever seen. He had perfect skin, curly black hair, with mommy's nose and big feet! He was a perfect combination of my fiance and I. Oh, we had such plans for him and I hurt everyday because I won't be able to see the wonderful man that he would have become.
I received alot of support from our family, friends, and co-workers. However, it has been seven weeks since I lost my baby and it doesn't get any better. It hurts everyday, and my mind keeps replaying the day over and over again wondering what I could have done to prevent this. We still don't have the results of the autospy, so not having answers stings even worse. I am a very strong person who thought I could handle anything, but how can anyone go on without your child. This has shaken me to the core, and I know I will carry it with me everyday for the rest of my life. I will never forget the impact my baby had on my life, and words can't express how much I miss him. I hope my baby knew how much I loved him...Amani James mommy loves you and misses you everyday!
I have read a number of posts since joining the forum, but I have been unable to have the courage to write my own story. I guess writing and posting would somehow make it more real. Not that I don't live with the reality that my baby is no longer here with me--writing it meant that I would have to relive the horrific day that has forever changed my life. I have gotten so much comfort from reading all of your stories, so hopefully another mother will gain comfort by reading my story. This is one small way in which I can honor my son Amani.
So here goes:
I had waited a long time before deciding to have a child. I wanted to make sure that I was ready in all facets of my life, so that I could be completely devoted to my baby. I found out the day after Christmas '07 that I was expecting my first child. I was so excited to have a baby, and overjoyed when I found out I was having a boy since I come from a family of three girls. All in all my pregnancy had some bumps in the road, but by the end of my 3rd trimester it appeared as though everything was all good!
My due date was August 23, but the weeks preceding I hadn't dilated at all. My doctor suggested at my appt. on 8/19 that if I didn't go on my own that week, she would go ahead and schedule me for a c-section on 8/25.
I went with the plan, and anxiously awaited the arrival of my sweet baby boy--who we had named since April. I noticed that the baby was moving a little less, but the doctor indicated that as you get closer to your due date, babies run out of room to move. I figured that is why I was feeling him less over the weekend. I went into her office that Monday morning on 8/25, because she wanted to check and see if I had dilated at all. I let her know that I wasn't feeling him move--but never did I think that things weren't going to be ok. She checked for a heartbeat with the doppler (nothing)...then she moved me to the ultrasound room and I couldn't look at the screen (something in my gut knew something was wrong)., I was in that room for about 20 minutes, and she said "he is gone". I immediately broke into tears--and kept thinking this is a dream. Later that evening I I deliverd Amani James at 6:56pm on 8/25 via c-section. I was 40weeks and 2 days. He was 6lbs, 10 oz, and 19.5 inches long. He was the cutest baby I have ever seen. He had perfect skin, curly black hair, with mommy's nose and big feet! He was a perfect combination of my fiance and I. Oh, we had such plans for him and I hurt everyday because I won't be able to see the wonderful man that he would have become.
I received alot of support from our family, friends, and co-workers. However, it has been seven weeks since I lost my baby and it doesn't get any better. It hurts everyday, and my mind keeps replaying the day over and over again wondering what I could have done to prevent this. We still don't have the results of the autospy, so not having answers stings even worse. I am a very strong person who thought I could handle anything, but how can anyone go on without your child. This has shaken me to the core, and I know I will carry it with me everyday for the rest of my life. I will never forget the impact my baby had on my life, and words can't express how much I miss him. I hope my baby knew how much I loved him...Amani James mommy loves you and misses you everyday!