Coincedence or.......? What do you say?

[Karla]

Hello everyone,
This is something that has left me very confused and hurt, and I do not know how to understand it. So Thankfully I have you guys to help me make sense. Thirteen years ago my son, Willie was born. I never knew I was going to have a boy, so my husband and I got names for both boys and girls. We had many ideas for a girl, but could not decide on a boy's name. We had ideas but were very undecided. Willie was born on August 29th 1992. On August 28th, my husband's dad, a great person died, as you can see Willie came the next day. Obviously it all made sense why we had no boy's name, my husband immediately named him after his dad, Willie Medford, not short for William as everyone thinks, just Willie. My husband believes that he is his dad. Now 13 years later I'm pregnant again, this time I knew it was a girl, since I had to do amnio to test for downs syndrome, my mother in law, who never wanted me to have another baby, said that since her husband died when Willie was born she would die now that I am pregnant. BUT MY BABY DIED!!!! I am devasted by her comment, I do not know how to deal with this, I am reminded of it each time I see her, and I live with her. Could this be what some say? Did my baby die so she can live? Please share your thoughts on this with me, how do I deal with it.
Karla

[A&JPearce]

I don't think she meant any harm by the comment. If she knew your baby had any chance of dying she probally would not have said that (I hope). Do you have a good realationship with her?? This could be something fueling the fire so to say!

[Cheryl Haggard]

Karla,
Call it superstition, or just ignorance. Does your mother in law really believe and say that she is only alive, because your baby died?
Is your mil the type of person that needs to be the one 'focused' on? (Does that make sense?) Taking the focus off of Cydney, and onto herself...:confused:

I truly believe that things happen for a reason, although we don't know what that reason is. And most of us will not find that answer in our lifetime. But I also believe that if you honestly seach hard enough, you will find that answer...

But, here you are now. You have the ability and the heart and the empathy to reach out to so many other parents that are experiencing this heartache in your region. You and Cydney have the ability to change how families grieve the death of one of the greatest loves in their lives. You and Cydney have the strength together to make a large impact. ONE person can make a difference. ONE tiny little person can make a difference. Remember, Cydney has the wings to help you both fly...

Here is still my favorite quote...

"There is no foot too small that it cannot make an imprint on this world."

Isn't that beautiful, and so true...
May you find strength and peace, Karla.
Much Love,
Cheryl

[A&JPearce]

Cheryl~ do you know who coined that phrase:

"There is no foot too small that it cannot make an imprint on this world." I used this in my thank you cards and was not sure who to credit it to!

[Cheryl Haggard]

~Author unknown~


"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book, "Too beautiful for this earth."
~author unknown

[Jen Eagan]

Wow- Karla- she just sounds like my husbands mom. It's ALWAYS about her, no matter what. Sorry- but does she have a few loose bolts up there? Basically blaming Willie for her husband's death and then implying your new baby would kill her- or whatever- that's just crazy. If it were me, if she DARED make a comment like that again I'd probably say something like "better you than my baby" or something.

Sorry you have to live with that. If I had to live with my mother-in-law one of us would not be living for long.

[Karla]

Hi Cheryl,
I am so honoured to meet you. I am truly grateful to become a member of nilmdts. I have found it has become very lonely since Cydney Paige died, many of the friends and my relatives do not understand how I feel now, they avoid talking about Cydney Paige, when that's all I want to do. It's difficult to watch the world go on as though our babies never existed. I feel alienated and like I don't belong. It's hard to make some understand, not to mention some of the hurtful things some can say, even though they may mean well. At a time like this when we need to ne allowed to heal, we have to deal with so much more.
I know that I am coming along, however some days, I feel like I have taken many steps backwards. I deal with so much more than just Cydney Paige's passing. My mother in law is indeed one on whom all the attention has to be focused on. Thirteen years ago when I moved in I never thought it would have been this long. One year just moved to two and so on, but it has ruined my life, we actually put off having more kids just because we lived with her. So when I got pregnant with Cydney, not planned, I felt so blessed, that's why I felt that if anyone deserved having a baby it was me. Today my son blames me for being an only child. I feel like I let him down in life. I never stopped to think that there are some things you just cannot put off. I wish so much that I never tied my tubes that day. I know that another baby cannot replace Cydney, no one can ever do that, but I so want to have a baby, I have so much love to give. What were your thoughts on tibal reversal? I know that you decicded not to untie for other reasons, but if you wanted more kids, would you have gone that way? I am at crossroads now, I'm seriously considering ivf treatment, but I also know that if my husband does not agree, I'll have to forget it. I also have to decide if I want to complete my law studies, in order to practice i have to do the bar exams, about 2 years again. I have lost almost all interest, I have no desire to sit with a book now. I know that you would understand what I am going through, I wish and pray a thousand times a day that Cydney Paige will come back, Why can't I go to the room and find her there. Why do these things happen? I have realised that I shouldn't say why me, because there's also the Why not me? and I shouldn't wish it on any one else. Sometimes the despair is so unbearable. I love Cydney Paige so much, My arms ache from not holding her. On a lighter note, I loike the song by Celine that you posted, There is also another called Fly by her. That one is beautiful.
Thank you Cheryl for lending support to all of us. It is comforting to have others to share our thoughts and pain with,
Warmest regards,
Karla

Karla,
Call it superstition, or just ignorance. Does your mother in law really believe and say that she is only alive, because your baby died?
Is your mil the type of person that needs to be the one 'focused' on? (Does that make sense?) Taking the focus off of Cydney, and onto herself...:confused:

I truly believe that things happen for a reason, although we don't know what that reason is. And most of us will not find that answer in our lifetime. But I also believe that if you honestly seach hard enough, you will find that answer...

But, here you are now. You have the ability and the heart and the empathy to reach out to so many other parents that are experiencing this heartache in your region. You and Cydney have the ability to change how families grieve the death of one of the greatest loves in their lives. You and Cydney have the strength together to make a large impact. ONE person can make a difference. ONE tiny little person can make a difference. Remember, Cydney has the wings to help you both fly...

Here is still my favorite quote...

"There is no foot too small that it cannot make an imprint on this world."

Isn't that beautiful, and so true...
May you find strength and peace, Karla.
Much Love,
Cheryl

[Cheryl Haggard]

Karla, exactly everything that you have said, I think that all of us here feel.

The why me? Why not me?...I asked that question over and over. I am no different or any more special than any one out there. My family is not untouchable. But I thought, that if I could lose a baby, ANYBODY can lose a baby. More of us are living through and past the death of a child, than anybody really cares to realize. And nobody wants to talk about it. It is too sad. And I am sure that you have heard all the comments. I never questioned God, as to why this happened to me, Maddux and my family. I never was angry at God. I never placed blame...But I prayed very hard as to an answer...just why? I think all of us here pray for that answer. Some of us will find that answer in our lifetime, some will not.

As far as tubal ligations-I think ALL hospitals should ban them after the delivery of a baby. How many women who have lost a child shortly after birth, had their tubes tied immediately following delivery? I think that answer will amaze you...
I desperately wanted a reversal, right away. It costs pennies to have them tied, and several thousand to have them untied...:confused:
Think about your options, and give yourself some time to consider all the possibilities. (pros and cons) You need to come to a decision that will bring you comfort and peace.
Remind Willie that he is not an only child. And that he has a beautiful little sister dancing in the clouds...

It was really nice hearing back from you.
(((HUGS)))
Cheryl

[Karla]

Cheryl,
I agree with you that no tubal ligation should be done after delivery. When my doctor did mine he was aware that all was not right with Cydney Paige. Why didn't he discuss with me the possibility of waiting to see what was wrong? He nevertheless went ahead with it,was it just about the money for him? He got paid and I was left in pain and agony. A few hours after I was running back and forth with Cydney Paige, from specialist to hospital, barely able to walk and in horrible pain. Didn't he know as a doctor that I as her Mom would need to be there for her at all times. Despite the pain I stood by her side, but if I did not have that surgery I would have been able to do much more for her. What is even more heartless was the fact that when I called on him to get advice on what medication to take for the pain he never got in touch with me. Imagine his secretary saying he does not have a cell phone...in this day and age, I know him and know that he can afford to have one of the most expensive ones! I had to see another doctor, my doctor by then knew the seriousness of Cydney's condition, he knew I was going to have to travel with her at any time. I had developed an infection that had to be treated with antibiotics, what would have happened if I had left on an air ambulance with Cydney Paige untreated? You are right, things happen for reasons we do not know, perhaps one day we will or perhaps we won't. Some secrets are best left with our God. But I do pray for an answer, why after 13 years to get a precious gift and then today, she would be 6 months today, my arms ache, but from emptiness? Why doesn't Willie have a sister and my husband a daughter? Why can't I see her precious smile? I wish so much to hold her and kiss her. Have you read the book, "When bad things happen to good people?" by Rabbi Harold Kushner? after I read that book I too refused to be angry with God. He is hurting with us too. Our God is a good God and all his plans are good for us. I choose to think of Cydney Paige in a heavenly place looking down at us and loving us. She is my sunshine on a rainy day, stars on the darkest nights and her tiny footprints were sent before us to show us the way home. Sometimes I am horribly scared that she might not be okay or that she would be sacred and need me to hold her, do you ever get those thoughts sometimes? How life has changed? My days are spent thinking of her and in my own little world, my mind, I seem to go through the motions of caring for her, tickling her toes, lifting her, talking to her. I have never felt such a deep love and connection in my life. It confuses me that as much as I love Willie, what I feel for Cydney seems to be much deeper, is this because she has brought a new perspective to life for me? To be quite honest I find myself going from being quite at peace with everything to being torn in to many pieces. Isn't that ironic....PEACE TO PIECES. My good friend, the priest who did a most beautiful service for our daughter, told me that there is nothing wrong with questioning God, he used the story of Job as the homily for the service. Do you know this story? If you do, then I want to say to you that I do hope that God will see me as Job and reward me again. My friends think I am crazy when I say that I feel rewarded just to have had Cydney Paige for 5 days. They cannot understand why I am not angry that I had to go through 9 months of pregnancy and have no baby today. But I know that Cydney Paige is a blessing to Us, Winston(my husband) Willie and I. We share her in a very special way, and I believe like you, Cheryl, that one day everything, all the secrets will be revealed to us. I still pray that I can have a baby again, I know that I would need a miracle for this, I want to give the love I have in my heart, but I pray for the guidance on this from God.
I wish everyone a very warm Sunday, I know I'll have that!!a 37 degree C one!!!:D But don't envy me 'coz that can be very unbearable sometimes!
I know that I have rambled on, But Cheryl perhaps tubal ligations done immediately after delivery can be something that should not be alowed to happen, what do you think can be done about this?
karla

[Cheryl Haggard]

Karla, I only have time to post to one of your questions right now, and that is because it is an easy answer. The others, I will have to think about, and post later.




Sometimes I am horribly scared that she might not be okay or that she would be sacred and need me to hold her, do you ever get those thoughts sometimes?



From day one, I have never worried about Maddux. I know where he is. I know he is happy. I know he is loved...