Need Advise

[Matthew's mom]

My husband and I recently lost our 6 day old. Any advise for coping from a man's point of view would be appreciated. What should I be doing as a wife to help him grieve?

Update: It has been one month today that Matthew left us. I have been a wreck last night and tonight. I don't break down during normal daylight hours when I am at work or with my children. This means when I am at my worst is when my husband and I are alone. I try to cope, but when the lights go out-especially on milestone dates-I totally start crying and talking crazy wanting him to grieve with me or even talk to me. He says he doesn't know what to say. I think there is a lot to say. I want to share my memories and heartbreak that surrounds me after Matthew, but have no one to share them with. He tries to comfort me, but it seems very impersonal, "I'm so sorry. I love you." Why can't he relay his feelings to me and support my feelings? I feel like nobody cares about our precious little boy except me.

[Cheryl Haggard]

When Maddux died, I noticed that when I was 'up', Mike (my husband) would be down and vice versa.
And Honestly, My husband is sitting right here next to me, and I read him your post...his reply? Not to talk about it. Seriously, I could slap him upside his head right now. I asked him if he was serious, and he said yes. This just goes to show you, how men and women are so different, even with me and our situation. My husband doesn't like to talk about Maddux very much, and when he is having a bad "maddux day" as he calls them, he still will not tell me why.
Sorry I couldn't be more help...

[Matthew's mom]

Tell your husband thank you for the advise. As harsh as it sounds, your husband is most likely right. I will have to let my husband open up to me when he needs to.

[Marcus Momma]

My hubby doesn't really talk about the loss of our son very often but he is there when I am crying and need a hug. But I have found out he talks alot to his friends about it and when its bothers him he talks to his buds instead of me. I don't know if hes trying to keep me from stressing out and feeling bad or he just wants to talk to dads who would understand what he is going through. but only your hubby knows how bad you really feel because you both shared this baby together and you both loved this baby so much and he is the only one who knows exactly what you feel when you grieve for your child.

[Kirk Kief]

As I learned today, simply support him and validate his feelings. Same as he should do with you. A man tries to 'fix' things. Don't be surprised if he doesn't get immersed in a project of one type, or another. Men internalize things, which we know is not healthy, but, that's what we do. It is very uncomfortable for them to show their raw emotions in public. Don't be surprised though, to learn that if they are by themselves, that is where they will let their emotions out.

[Christine Barrack]

Virginia,
I am so sorry for your loss.
As far as helping your husband just be there for each other, willing to listen and support eachother. Know that there are mothers, fathers and family here that can support you all as well.

Thinking of you.
Christine

[tstracener]

My husband will talk to me sometimes about our son. He usually says that he misses "the boy" or he thought about Sam. He usually doesn't go much beyond that. I just try not to push him and we get some quality hug time when we both think about our baby, which helps! I never imagined Samuel as a little boy, just my baby so it is neat to hear my husband say that. I also didn't think about calling him Sam, so I think it's cute when my husband calls him that, even though I am not much for shortening names. Praying for you.

[Hailey and Logans Daddy]

The best thing to do is let him talk on his own terms. We have to hit the point where we know we didnt do anything wrong and that we could not have prevented this from happening. Only then can we express how we feel. I could go on forever about this but that about sums it up. Dont think we dont hurt. This hurts us in places we didnt know we had.

[Mike Buckley]

My name is Mike Buckley and my wife and I lost our son, Christopher, 2 years and 4 mos. ago. The best advice I can give and I'm not sure it is right but just don't tell him how he "should" grieve. Men do grieve differently. I am great example of that because I still cry like a baby at times. Oh, I know I'm not supposed to and I try to make sure I'm alone but that doesn't always work out. I am sure your husband is hurting and devastated just like you. Sooner or later you will get a great big hug and the man you love will cry like a baby in your arms. Our youngest son, who is almost 11 mos. old is named Matthew. Perhaps your little angel and our little angel are good friends in heaven. I will keep your precious Matthew and your family in my prayers.

Sincerely,

Mike Buckley

[Matthew's mom]

Thank you for your good advise. Today Matthew would have been a month old. Hoping it gets easier.....

[lancelevan]

hi...i'm from Grifton...and i now live in TX. Cheryl's husband is on the same page i am. i'm not sure how many of us feel the same way...but i know that i do. Nicholas left us 236 days, 7 hours, and approx. 48 minutes ago. i think i have spoken to my wife about it...MAYBE twice. now...i'm not saying that i don't sit in my home-office and DRINK and play my iPod (full of HORRIBLY sad music) and look at my 100's of pix of my boy and cry for hours....cause i do. but i am the man of the family...and i firmly believe that she (nor my other children) need to see me grieve like that. they know i miss him, because my 5 year old and i talk about missing him all the time...but its never sad. its always "up-beat". i'll ask my 5year old son..."where's Nick?". and he'll say..."Dad, you know he's in Heaven with God...riding his new bike and playing baseball with Jesus."

all i can offer (with my limited experience with this) is if you're having a "bad day"...go crawl up in his lap and just cry and fall asleep in his arms. he won't do the same for you...but it will help him feel more like the man of the family...like he's helping you get past YOUR bad day.

[JenniferBrown]

but i am the man of the family...and i firmly believe that she (nor my other children) need to see me grieve like that.

As a woman, I must respectfully disagree. It would do my heart good to see my husband grieve (back then). He wouldn't do that in front of me and it caused a ton of problems with our marriage. I felt he didn't give a hoot and it saddened me even more.

We went to see a counseler and she said that we needed to talk to each other, openly and honestly, and this was an issue that came up. She said that we needed to speak about our babies and it did help! I didn't feel so alone with my grief and it got us to a place to where we can now talk about our Angel babies and it's not a 'bad place'. In fact, our children have asked us questions about their sib's in Heaven and we can now speak their names and give them the information we feel they want and deserve without it being an emotional roller coaster.

Talking and grieving together is TRUELY helpful and healing! (well, I'll add it was for us at least :))

[motherofthree]

I disagree, too. My husband had a hard time sharing his grief with me and it made me feel very alone. I needed to know that he was grieving and hurting, too - just like me. I think it is healthier to share your grief with your entire family; in doing so you teach you children valuable lessons about pain and healing, and about love. My husband and I dealt much better with the loss of our Kavya when we were able to open up with each other. And our older daughter has not been hurt or scarred by being able to see her parents love and mourn her little sister; she learned that once you are in our family, your are in it for good - through death and all. And she learned that our family can live and survive through hardship and pain. While we never let her see us completely break down, we were open with crying and sharing that we were sad - and in doing so made her feel comfortable with being sad, too. Men should absolutely share their grief with their family as much as they can - it was better for me and for our family to share in our grief.

[amburke2]

This may sound odd compared to other posters' experience, but my husband has always been the more talkative of the two of us. In the 10 1/2 months since Timothy's birth and death, we've talked about it probably every day. Sometimes it's a simple "I miss the baby", and other times it's an all out discussion on what feelings are predominant over the past week and what has triggered the strongest emotional response, etc. I seem to have a greater range of emotions related to the subject; my husband's seem to focus on anger and sadness. We've learned that we can talk about negative feelings without "dragging down" the other one, although our experience is usually similar to Cheryl's in that when one is "down" the other is "up" and vice versa.

[Cheryl Haggard]

When my husband does get teary eyed, I truly know that he is hurting. He doesn't do it often, and he doesn't do it for long. Kinda like a 'built' up grief. Is that what men do...just let it build up until the d ams burst? And us women, just have a steady stream? A constant flood? Nice comparisons huh???

I have three older children, and I think it does my son (15) good to see his father during these times. Lord knows he's seen his mother...

[marylouise]

I never saw my Mom cry after my Dad died. The only time I saw my Mom cry was when I told her my 21 y/o brother (her youngest son) had died. I always thought she didn't care, I know now that she was being strong for my siblings and me. I so wish we could have cried together.

[justins_dad]

My husband and I recently lost our 6 day old. Any advise for coping from a man's point of view would be appreciated. What should I be doing as a wife to help him grieve?

Update: It has been one month today that Matthew left us. I have been a wreck last night and tonight. I don't break down during normal daylight hours when I am at work or with my children. This means when I am at my worst is when my husband and I are alone. I try to cope, but when the lights go out-especially on milestone dates-I totally start crying and talking crazy wanting him to grieve with me or even talk to me. He says he doesn't know what to say. I think there is a lot to say. I want to share my memories and heartbreak that surrounds me after Matthew, but have no one to share them with. He tries to comfort me, but it seems very impersonal, "I'm so sorry. I love you." Why can't he relay his feelings to me and support my feelings? I feel like nobody cares about our precious little boy except me.
Hello, my name is Joe and my son Justin was born into Heaven on 5/4/08, almost 7 months now. I have grieved very different from my wife. This was partly due to my wife grieving while pregnant as we knew that Justin would not live outside her womb, for me the real loss wasn't real until he was born. I can't describe the pain that we both still feel. I didn't like to talk about Justin but over time I did come around and talk some to my wife about him, but I still internalize most of my feelings. My biggest issue with talking is that I HATE that there was nothing I could do to stop him from dying, but that is just how men are programmed. If your husband is grieving, even by himself; then he will be OK. You will just have to find ways to communicate with him that allows the two of you the ability to heal. I've managed to talk to my wife enough to allow her to feel the connection to me that she needs and I'm always thinking of ways to memorialize Justin (It's what men do :) ). One thing I can suggest is checking to see if http://www.compassionatefriends.org/ has a chapter in your area. I rarely talk at the meetings, but they do help in many ways.