Karla
11-28-2008, 02:08 PM
November 12th was three years since my little girl returned to heaven, one would think that by now I would be "better." Obviously, this comes from those who have never lost a child, sometimes with their persistence and nagging, even I believe that I am better. But deep inside I know that I put on a show, the smile is fake, the cheery laughs are just that, I just try to be part of the crowd for everyone's sake. After all we don't want to bring everyone's mood down.
However, in my heart, I know that all I have ever done for the past three years and will ever do is wait for God to give her back to me. What I wouldn't do to hold her sweet face in my hands, to touch her little nose, caress her hair, hopefully it would be as curly and crazy as mine, to smell her little toes and kiss her chubby cheeks, just to hold her in my arms is all I ask. As a matter of fact, I think that I just had one of those moments when I was absolutely certain that he was going to answer my prayer. Don't ask me how I know, it's just a feeling that I get sometimes, off course sadly for me I travel the long road of disappointment, when I realise that such a thing would never happen. Such a long, tiring journey, one I can say with certainty will never end. Recently, I had a talk with my priest, and I asked the question of him' "does the pain ever go away?" and in all honesty he asnwered, simply, "No, it never will, you will just learn to live peacefully." Peacefully, I will have to settle for, because many are the days and nights that I feel beaten and broken, then I will transcend into some state of peace and acceptance, to be broken by the next loop on the rollercoaster.
My daughter, Cydney Paige, is so beautiful, she has such a peaceful look on her face, an aura of beauty and grace, I know that she was special, perhaps too special to stay here on earth. I don't want to be selfish and hold back her soul's journey, but what I wouldn't give to have such goodness in my life. I guess I'll just keep on waiting on God.....
Loving you my little flower,
Mommy
However, in my heart, I know that all I have ever done for the past three years and will ever do is wait for God to give her back to me. What I wouldn't do to hold her sweet face in my hands, to touch her little nose, caress her hair, hopefully it would be as curly and crazy as mine, to smell her little toes and kiss her chubby cheeks, just to hold her in my arms is all I ask. As a matter of fact, I think that I just had one of those moments when I was absolutely certain that he was going to answer my prayer. Don't ask me how I know, it's just a feeling that I get sometimes, off course sadly for me I travel the long road of disappointment, when I realise that such a thing would never happen. Such a long, tiring journey, one I can say with certainty will never end. Recently, I had a talk with my priest, and I asked the question of him' "does the pain ever go away?" and in all honesty he asnwered, simply, "No, it never will, you will just learn to live peacefully." Peacefully, I will have to settle for, because many are the days and nights that I feel beaten and broken, then I will transcend into some state of peace and acceptance, to be broken by the next loop on the rollercoaster.
My daughter, Cydney Paige, is so beautiful, she has such a peaceful look on her face, an aura of beauty and grace, I know that she was special, perhaps too special to stay here on earth. I don't want to be selfish and hold back her soul's journey, but what I wouldn't give to have such goodness in my life. I guess I'll just keep on waiting on God.....
Loving you my little flower,
Mommy