Need Advice, and fast!

[Darby]

So as most of you know, I am carrying a baby that is "incompatible with life." I am just at 7 months right now. My boyfriend (fiance, or whatever you want to call him) and I are having lots of troubles. I am on the verge of calling it quits. I am so hesitant on this though becuase I do not want him to miss out on his childs life. AT ALL! And this pregnancy is a big part of that.

A little history I guess is that he has been distancing himself from me. He has turned to his ex's for support. Well, maybe not support, but for normality. He has been hiding the fact that he has been talking to them, and possibly seeing them after work and such. I have confronted him about it, and dont know what to do from here.

I have asked him to talk to me about it, becuase this is "our" child. He just pushes me away. For his own sake, what is the best way to go about this. As a grieveing father should I just follow up on what I feel is best and leave. Or do I need to stick it out, so he does get a chance to bond with his child?

I dont know if this is apporopiate to post on this site, but I feel this is the best place that I can find answers from. So I truly am sorry if this offends anyone. But im looking for anything at this piont. So has anyone else experienced similiar situations, or have any advice?
Anything will help at this point... Thank you.

[Madge]

The only thing I can tell you is that my dh didn't appear to be "here" for me. One time we had a fight and I asked him (in a not so nice way) "Where are you?!?! I feel like I am doing this all by myself!" I am thinking you may feel the same way.

It may not be a bad idea to call hospice for some grief support. That is what I did and it helped tremendously.

It is hard when you have a diagnosis and you hear the words "incompatible with life". (Hate that term....) The grief starts before the death has even occurred, and it is hard for people to grasp that.

Men simply are different and handle things differently. I wish I had some answers for you. You are in a hard place. Just know that we are here for you.

[Cheryl Haggard]

I am not a dad...but...give him the option to play the role that he wants to play. And sorry to say, that if it is none, you are better off knowing now. There is nothing more special than celebrating the birth of a child...especially if you know that your childs life will be short. If I could give any advise, that would be to enjoy the time you have with your child, in womb and out of womb. Don't have any guilt or any regrets.

Each and every relationship has its struggles, and ups and downs...I am not an exception. I wish I had the right answer, just for you, on what to do...and I am sorry that I don't. Just remember, no regrets...

[Eddie]

Try to keep him as involved in the entire process as you can. As the babies father, he deserves that, but he has responsibilities as well. You need support, and you need understanding. You need help. I will not speak for all fathers, because all fathers are different, but I know in my own case, I was not as sensitive or supportive as I could have and should have been. I felt I couldn't even deal with my own grief, let alone someone elses, and in hind sight, that was wrong, at least, I feel it was. He should not be going to other people for support, as it is you and he that are experiencing this, it is your, as in both of you's child. I wish I had a magic answer. I do wish I could be of more help.

[Matthew's mom]

Through the death of our little one, I have realized how very different men and women deal with loss. Men need to feel needed and wanted. It is hard for men because they want to "FIX" the situation and when they feel this is impossible, the situation becomes unbearable. Although it is a hard time for both of you-he still needs you. Just be sure you are giving yourself to both him and your little one. He is probabally trying to "escape" the situation mentally by turning to his ex's. Does he have any good male friends? I would encourage those relationships and continue to "live" each day-even though you know what is in the future for your little one.

I get so upset with my husband because I think that sometimes he is not thinking about Matthew-that he doesn't care. What I learned is that I can not impose my grieving process on him. When I cry-he holds me-when he says nothing, I hold him. When I try to pull his emotions out of him, we both fall apart and end up in an emotional gridlock. Be there for him-in whatever way he needs you. Hopefully he will eventually understand how you feel and step up to the plate.

[Eddie]

Through the death of our little one, I have realized how very different men and women deal with loss. Men need to feel needed and wanted. It is hard for men because they want to "FIX" the situation and when they feel this is impossible, the situation becomes unbearable. Although it is a hard time for both of you-he still needs you. Just be sure you are giving yourself to both him and your little one. He is probabally trying to "escape" the situation mentally by turning to his ex's. Does he have any good male friends? I would encourage those relationships and continue to "live" each day-even though you know what is in the future for your little one.

I get so upset with my husband because I think that sometimes he is not thinking about Matthew-that he doesn't care. What I learned is that I can not impose my grieving process on him. When I cry-he holds me-when he says nothing, I hold him. When I try to pull his emotions out of him, we both fall apart and end up in an emotional gridlock. Be there for him-in whatever way he needs you. Hopefully he will eventually understand how you feel and step up to the plate.

Great advice. Perhaps I should re-state that he should be coming to you for his primary support.

I was the exact way you described it. I couldn't fix it. I couldn't change it. I couldn't make it better. I felt that I couldn't grieve myself because all I wanted to do was somehow make her pain stop. I think all I really did was make things worse for her. It wasn't that I wasn't grieving, or thinking about Cole, I was, all the time, but I felt like focusing on my grieving was selfish. I couldn't see it as "our" grieving. I couldn't see it as something we needed to get through together.

[tstracener]

I wish I had some advice that would fix everything. You can't choose what others do, but you can choose what you do. Leave the option open for him, but focus on the time you will have with your baby. If he chooses not to be involved, it's his loss. He will miss his only chance of meeting and loving the baby. I am so sorry you're going through this...we are continually praying for you.

[Christine Barrack]

I am so very sorry. We all grieve differently and turn to different people for support. The important point is that we need support and someone to talk to just to function at times. I can't say I approved of the people my husband would talk to for support but that is what he needed to do. I needed to communicate with him that I needed him and his support also. He felt this would shut him down and tear him up as he could not speak to me about the loss of our child. It hurt then and it hurts now. I would let your boyfriend know it is okay to not hide the fact he turns to his ex's or whoever for support and maybe he will be able to share with you. For me the more I pushed for support and him to change his choice of support people the more he with drew from me.
Enjoy all the time you have with your son and your pregnancy. Savor every kick and bump and even those times he jumps on your bladder so hard you pee your pants (yes, laugh at that one please because we all know its true). Give your boyfriend any chance to bond and love his son. No regrets as Cheryl said.
Here for you any time you need to talk. I will be keeping you in my thoughts.
Do you have a name picked out for your son? I would love to know it when/if you are ready.

[Katherine]

My boyfriend and I split up just before I found out I was pregnant. I told him he could come to any appointments he wanted be as involved as he wanted.. I think I heard from him maybe 5 times throughout the whole pregnancy. Only heard from him 1 after he found out it was going to be a girl (pregnancy was perfect, we didn't know anything was going to happen). Since he chose to distance himself, I chose not to have him there when she was born. We didn't know she was going to be stillborn, he came up to the hospital afterwards and only stayed about an hour.
anyways.. you need to do what you feel is best. Give him the option, and if he stays distant, then you will know how he feels. Its a hard situation, alot harder for you, knowing your baby most likely won't make it.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers in this difficult time.

[Darby]

Well, thank you all for the replies. It has helped a little. I have tried to talk to him, but instead I sent him here. I had him read these replies, and the ones on the other posts. So hopefully it helps. Thank you again.

[motherofthree]

You can't choose what others do, but you can choose what you do. Leave the option open for him, but focus on the time you will have with your baby. If he chooses not to be involved, it's his loss. He will miss his only chance of meeting and loving the baby.

I agree completely...being understanding of the way men grieve differently can only stretch so far..."men grieving differently" can only excuse so much bad behavior. When the lying and possibility of turning to someone else for "comfort" get involved, he's stretched that understanding too far...you need to concentrate on yourself and your baby.

I'm thinking of you and praying for you daily, Darby.

Beth