having trouble coping

[Karla]

The last few days I seem to find it so difficult to cope with Cydney Paige's loss. I know that all my tears would not bring her back, but I so desperately need her warmth and gentle touch. I ask God all the time, Why the babies? Why are my arms empty now? Why when I looked forward with so much excitement I am dashed and shattered into a million pieces? I cannot believe that I could be blessed with such a beautiful baby girl but today I cannot feel her touch. I do not know what to do, I need her so much. It hurts so much .

[Cheryl Haggard]

Karla,
My heart hurts that you are hurting so much right now. I can't tell you, things will get better...Your heart is broken. You have questions, and there are no answers that you can or will accept. You have to take each day, moment by moment. Why did Cydney Paige die? No one can answer that. No one can tell you it's going to be ok. No one can tell you that your life will get better. I can tell you, that all of us here, we are here for you. To share your thoughts and feelings, to give you virtual (((HUGS))). lol:p We share with you, your heartache, your pain and your grief.
I still have days, when I break down. When I yell at my older kids, for no reason. (other than 'mommies having a bad day...) But then, I have to take a quick look around, and know that Maddux would not want me to be sad or angry. He is SO happy right now, and SO loved!!! Our time to be together again, will come...
I am sending big (((HUGS))) to you right now. I hope that this helps.
Cheryl


Sometimes God Begins a Project
Sometimes God begins a project that will
never come to be. While we wait, expectant,
hopeful, there's a change in destiny.
Does this mean that God's uncaring, taking
back a parent's role? No, our God, is loving,
healing, holds us, lifts us, makes us whole.
In our times of disappointment, we will
question, grieve and cry, searching for our suffering's
reason, asking God to tell us why.
Time will ease the depth of sorrow, though the
memory will stay. Faithful life will see our
questions answered in some future day.
~Words by Mary R. Bittner, 1993

[Martin Comiskey]

Karla,

Please know that it saddens me that you are hurting so much. As Cheryl said we are all here to listen, I wish there were more I could do but unfortunately there isn't. Do know I care and I pray that God will comfort you.
((HUGS)) from me to you
Martin

[Karla]

Thank you, thank you. I am really going through a bad spell a few days now. My husband was away for a couple days, the house is so big and empty when they are all away, and I could only hear Cydney Paige's laughter, giggle coos.....keeping me company, she and I. That's how it should have been. But then the reality steps in and I know she's not here. I try to pretend and I have make belief coversations with her, "Sweet P" I call her. So I say to her, "Sweet P are watching Mummy now? Mummy's washing the dishes, Mummy's making lunch" I know that I am probably doing the wrong thing, but I feel so close to her then. I have realised that after I had Willie, I did want more kids, but circumstances of living with in law made that a difficult decision so I put it off. However, one year turned to two and so on. Then I realised that I wasn't going to leave and I was getting older, my husband had no interest in more kids so I decided to study. then I got pregnant, 13 years later, and Cheryl I can't help but question God and be confused. I thought I was truly blessed, my patience was being rewarded. I was getting another child, and I can't tell you how happy my son Willie was and so was Daddy. "The light he needed in his life" That's how he put it. And me, oh my life was springing new blooms. I had a dance in my steps (hard to do when you're 50lbs heavier LOl), and a song in my heart. But now......the light is gone and I don't want to sing and dance. What happened? Why? I realised from all this that I am no career woman, I do not want ot be a lawyer, I want to be a mother, a mother to Willie and his sister. And I know that I'll always be Cydney Paige's mom, always in my heart, but I want to touch and hold and wash her toes, and behind the ears and just do it all for her. I guess after 13 years it was like if I was going to be a new mom for the first time. One moment Winston, Willie and I shared so much happiness, the next we share so much sadness. I recognise, one comfort, and that is that we share a special angel, a special girl...."Our Girl" ....looking over us.
Thank you Cheryl for the comforting poem, ever so often I need to be reminded that God is hurting too, That he would not hurt me. In a way my beliefs have strenghened, but in some ways I have become a bit confused. I traditionally believed that all things happened through God, and our destinies were planned by him, but I can't accept that any more because then it would appear that Cydney Paige's brief stay was planned. Oh, you can see why I say I am confused. I think I should stop now.
Thank you all again,
Karla

[Cheryl Haggard]

Karla,
I do understand. The confusion. The fear. The doubts. The questions.
I also had the question, about God, and why He planned this? What were His motives? Why did He let this happen? But I was always answered with "Why not me? What made me and my family so special, that this couldn't happen to us? Why were we supposed to be untouchable?" We weren't and we aren't. None of us are.
I don't think that God interferes in our lives. I think He knows what will eventually happen, but He gives us the choices. I don't know why certain things happen to certain people. I wish I had all of those answers.
We grieve the deaths of our babies, because we long to be with them. We long to hold them in our arms, and breathe in their sweet smell. (sometimes sour smell) We long for the day that we can be with them again. This longing is built into us. Why grieve for them, othewise? "Because, we long for the day, we will be together again..."
I question my choices and abilities all the time. Was NILMDTS created because, I was a strong person, or was NILMDTS created because I am such a weak person, and without this support, I would have fallen apart, unable to be picked up? Questions Questions Questions. What are the right answers? I will never know that answer.
Don't ever question your conversations with Cydney! I always talk to Maddux. Mostly in my head, but neverless, I always talk to him. I just wish he would talk back to me...
(((((HUGS)))))
extra hugs...
Cheryl
'Karla, always remember now that you have an angel that can carry you when needed. Reach out to Cydney. Let he know that you need her strength. I know that she will always be there for you...Our little angels are amazing, and so very very strong...'

[Deb Stoner]

Karla,
I remember early on in my grief I wished for a special pill that could take away the pain. It was just so unbearable. I still long for my baby and, at times, miss her so much my arms would literally ache. I used to hate it when people told me that time would help. However, it did help the healing somewhat. Those really bad days are rare now. Working through the grief is really, really hard work. Be easy on yourself. Are there any infant loss groups in your area?

[Megan Kitchin]

Karla,

My heart aches with you! Please continue to speak with Cydney as often as you need to! I think we all do it in some way or another. Our children, our angels are always with us and lets face it, just because they are in Heaven doesn't stop us from being motherly to them. Does that make sense? I speak to my boys a lot in my prayers, at night when I am alone in my thoughts. I always tell them to be good little boys, but not too good. To be true to themselves and I ask them to look over their brother. That way, when I look into my son, Graham's eyes I can see his brothers with him.

As Cheryl mentionned, try to take life one moment at a time. The grief process can be so drainning in all ways (emotional, physical, psychological) and taking things too fast can overwhelm us, and drain us.

Please allow yourself the grief and the questions...if it comforts you at all, I think we all do eventually, in our own time, hit the "WHYS???". Each of our experiences are unique so the questions may vary, yet the overall theme probably results in "Why us? Why my babies???". It did for me atleast. I wish, as well, that there were answers...I would love to hear them...yet I don't believe there are many. If only........

I think what helped me through those really bad days, and still does, is that I had people I could talk openly and regularly with about my sons. Through conversation, I realized that I was not alone in my feelings and that even the strangest things I thought or felt were normal because someone else felt them. This allowed (s) me to feel, think, say whatever I need to because I am not alone. If you do not have someone close to you to do so, maybe talking to us can help you on your really bad days.

Take care!!!

[Karla]

Deb, Cheryl,
I know what you mean. I realise that everything that you all have said you experienced I am going through. I am experiencing your journey now. And I am scared for others who would have to someday. I am scared for myself. It is hard hard work, and sometimes I feel like I am a failure at the job. Cheryl said that she questions why she formed NILMDTS, Cheryl it could never be because you are weak, you saw the need for it because of your need.Before I found this forum, I had very few people wiht whom I could be this open about my feelings. Now I can cry hysterically when I write and you know what sometimes or most times I feel good after. It was most certainly a strength, and even if it was a weak moment for you, IT HAS GROWN INTO A TOWER OF STRENGTH!! You must have great strength and a giving spirit to listen to me vent as I awaken memories for you. You have the grace to answer with the most comforting words. You are all a blessing.
This is like therapy for me. I had decided to see a therapist earlier on, but found the person to be most ignorant as to my needs, perhaps I did not give it enough time, but I did not feel any better after a couple sessions, as you said, I have to work it out each day at a time in my own way. Knowing that what I feel is not unnatural, and the reassurance from all of you helps tremendously.
I hope that in time I can help others the way you all do.
Karla

[Paula]

I am in awe reading your postings to each other. I cannot begin to imagine what you all go through everyday remembering and missing your precious angels.

Words cannot tell you how much respect and amazement I hold for you for sharing such intimate sensitive moments of your lives to help each other and without knowing it...helping all of us who have not experienced losing a child understand what it feels like and how to approach and talk with the parents we deal with.

I know for me at least, reading your thoughts helps me to understand the emotions of the familes I photograph before I even arrive and it is a very empowering feeling to be prepared in such a way so that I can do my job that much better.
Thank you so much for you self-lessness. I am truly grateful for the opportunity to work with such amazing people such as you, so strong, so amazing, even without realizing it.
Karla- I can feel how much pain you much have when I read your words. I pray that by writing to all of us that healing is happening within you as you type. Please know that even if we do not post, many of us are reading your story and we are touched by the emotion and love within your words. Thank you for your courage and for telling us all about your precious angel!

[Deb Stoner]

Karla,
Maybe you just haven't found the right person in a therapist. If he/she didn't "feel" right and did not serve your needs, trust your instincts. However, there are people out there that will strike a chord with you. Don't be afraid to keep looking. You can somewhat interview them over the phone. You may have to go through a few to find a good fit. But when you find a good fit, it will be worth it. A couple of questions you might consider asking a therapist in a phone interview is if they have children, have they ever lost someone close to them, do they have experience in grief counseling, if not, can they recommend a colleague that has. Try to use this to help you search out a better match for you. If you don't have the strength to ask these questions, maybe you can have a friend or partner do it for you. Hope this helps in some small way.

[Karla]

Hi Cheryl,
It really bothered me that you questioned yourself about your reasons for creating NILMDTS. I just read this and thought thank goodness Cheryl and Sandy and others decided to create this forum.....

"Many of us have been slow to recognize the value of expressing the full force of anguish and despair. We may think displays of strong emotions are somehow unseemly.

Grief is not a test. There's no grading. No passing or failing. But if our tendency is to clamp down on our feelings because we think it's better for us or less disturbing to others, we might try going somewhere we're not likely to be heard - and let it out. Scream. Yell. Berate. Wail. Pound on the wall.

Some hospitals have "screaming rooms" - places where the newly bereaved can go and scream and rail without fear of disturbing others and/or embarrassing themselves.

Not a pretty sight or sound? A human sound.

I will take my cues for within, and not be afraid."

Thanks to you guys, NILMDTS is my sreaming room and you all my punching bag!:D :D :D
Karla

[Tammy]

Thanks to you guys, NILMDTS is my sreaming room and you all my punching bag!:D :D :D
Karla

Just don't punch me to hard, I bruise easily! LOL :D

We are all here for you Karla... by sharing your feelings and experiences is a huge step. We will make it through those rough times together, you are never alone because you have all of us~ Cydney Paige is always with you as well, she is locked in your heart, her memory will forever live with in you and here~

[Scott Hays]

Karla,
When you talked about talking to Cydney Paige, it struck a wonderful chord within me. I found that in talking to my Lindsey, that is one of the most therapeutic things I still do today. Twenty years later I still talk to that little girl. Some days I just say good morning to her, other days I'll ask her for help in what I'm doing, some days I just tell her what's been going on. Since I've joined NILMDTS, I ask her how the babies are doing, and to make sure that she's watching over the new babies, and is making sure that Maddux isn't getting into to much trouble. lol

I think that it has has made me feel closer to Lindsey, and that if it can make you feel closer, you should do it. I can't see a think wrong with it.

Thank you for sharing so much of your heart with us. Thank you for sharing Cydney Paige with us also. You are a wonderful woman.

Scott

[Karla]

Scott,
It does make me feel better, though sometimes it feels so real that I expect to turn around and see her, then reality hits. I too ask her to look after all the babies who join her and to keep out of trouble. I feel good doing it and I am relieved that you all do not think any thing's wrong with me.
Thanks,
Karla