Can I vent???

[Megan Kitchin]

Ok, so my father-in-law is here visiting, which doesn't happen but once in a blue moon. It is late at night and I got on the computer to check e-mails and to check in here as I haven't in a bit. Anyhow, he asked my husband what I was up to and Craig told him the story of how I met Deb (through my sister) and that we were friends, showed him the notepaper from spilled ink with the boys as angels (he gave no comment to it being cute), and started telling his dad about NILMDTS and how the forum was a place we could talk/read to/about others who also lost (I still hate that word) their babies. Yes, that was the worlds biggest run-on. I was in the family room reading Karla's thread, with tears in my eyes, and what do I hear his dad interrupt my husband to say, "But don't you think it is time to move on...". I am just so livid!!!!! I don't know whether it is my place to be, or not, but how dare he tell his son, who lost his twin boys less than two years ago, that it is time to move on. He said it just matter of factly. I shouldn't be surprised as none of Craig's family ever really supported us or acknowledged their lives. Long story... But his dad was with us when we buried our sons. He saw the casket, he saw us say our last good-byes to our sons' bodies.

Craig replied that life does go on, but not without our boys. That we think of them daily and talk about them regularly, etc....... His dad excused himself and went to bed. Then he came down again and asked me how my e-mailing was going (I was replying to Karla's thread). My e-mailing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kindly explained to him about NILMDTS, Maddux and Cheryl and about how the forum is a place for parents and photographers.... He looked at me with pitiful eyes and said "That's nice. See you in the morning." AAAAHHHH, I could scream.

It doesn't help that this comes after a day that all I heard while he received calls on his cell, "I am spending a couple days with grandchild number 9." He has 11 grandchildren, including Grayson and Zane. Can I say again that he saw them in their casket????

I was going to e-mail Deb to vent and would have called her or another friend if it was earlier, yet I felt compelled to share as I feel so mad for all of our babies in Heaven that anyone would/could say such things and treat their lives so meaninglessly. If that is even a word. Did I say AAAAHHHHH?

Craig's family is VERY formal and they don't talk about such things. I guess I have learned to accept this over time. Craig and I are the big rebels because we do talk about such things. But what do you do with this??????

Ok, sorry. I am totally venting.

[Tammy]

Megan~
Venting is good. ;) I can relate to your situation. My grandparents have acted in the same manner as your father in law. My granfather told me somethings are better left in the past; although I understood (kind of) where he was coming from, his comment hurt. But what we have to understand (I guess) is, that was/is how people from that generation delt with circumstances of losing a child or loved one. Death is a part of life. But when a baby dies; they were not given the opportunity to live life as we know it should be... not sure if I'm saying that correctly... but do you know what I mean?
Your husband seemed to have handled the situation beautifully.... acknowledging that yes; life does move forward. Although Grayson and Zane are not here physically, they will forever be with you in your heart, they are an important part of your family, and they DO move forward in life with you and your family. They will never be left in the past and simply forgotten.
I know it's hard not to get upset and want to scream.... your father in law simply doesn't understand, and unless he is open-minded, he probably won't.
It's high time things change in how we cope with our heartaches of letting our babies return to Heaven. It's time to bring our stories forward, not sweep them under the rug. "A Person is A Person No Matter How Small"
Everything else in life is changing.... so why can't this perception change too?
((Hugs to you)) Try not to be to hard on him Megan. Change is a difficult thing to swallow for his generation ( I don't mean any dis-respect, it's just the truth) I've accepted the fact my grandparents probably won't acknowledge Chase either. But here's some food for thought.... when the time comes for Zane and Grayson's grandfather to travel the path to Heaven, will they acknowledge him? Eternity is alot longer than time here on earth. Know what I mean?

[Cheryl Haggard]

Kudos to your husband-Megan, I will post more later...

[Megan Kitchin]

Thanks, Tammy!

After sitting on it over night I am much better. As Craig pointed out (I am the one usually telling him this), for other people life does go on. And you are so right about the prior generation not dealing with life and tragedy the way we can now. Craig's grandmother won't speak to him anymore because we sent out birth/death announcements. What is ironic is that she, herself had a child born premature that died after a couple of days. Craig felt she would understand if anyone would. But she didn't.

In my head, I know he meant well, but in my heart it is so unacceptable to me for him to be so insensitive. He doesn't understand and hopefully never will. I just wish people could think before they speak. If it were a stranger it would have unnerved me, but as Craig's dad, I just really don't have a tolerance anymore for insensitivies.

Off topic, while reading what several photographers have been saying about our words helping them understand and also what you said about bringing our stories forward, I was thinking...has NILMDTS or any of you ever considered getting together a compilation of our stories and putting them in a book. I have no idea about how to go about getting something like that published, but have thought for awhile about writing our story. What do you all think? Crazy? Or a way to make positive change in respect to how parents are allowed to grieve.

[Andrea Hillis]

Megan, I'm a photographer, and from my view, I agree with you, and I would have been ticked... Life, no matter how short lived, is precious and should NEVER be forgotten.

Even though I don't know my families that well, I will never forget them, or their little ones. They will be a part of me for the rest of my life, and I will make darn sure they are not forgotten.

A.

PS...I think a book is a great idea.

[Paula]

I love the book idea, My sister in law suggested I make a scrapbook with some journal pages describing how each family and baby has touched me and I think that is a wonderful idea. I can see the cover now.......:)

[Cheryl Haggard]

Guys-
From day one, I have been interested in a book. And all proceeds would go back into NILMDTS. It just takes awhile to get things moving. And remember NILMDTS is only alittle over a year old. I already have stories from a few families, but just haven't posted anything publicly. -Sam and I have talked about this many times.
So, I guess I will officially post this information now:

Parents-submit your stories to me: Cherhag@aol.com


Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep
'A prayer from Heartache to Healing...'
Remembrance Photography


*We are interested in all stories from families that have experienced the loss of a baby/child.
*About having a photograph, professional or not...
*What the images mean to them...
*How and if the images have helped them and their families in their healing.

Photographers-We would like your stories also...So, here we go!

[erinm]

This is such a great idea. I will email you. I would love to read a book about all of our stories.

[Tammy]

One other thing I would like to mention about NILMDTS is the support group we have here on the forum. I've mentioned to other members that some days, this forum is my life-line. We have such an amazing connection with our photographers and our parents. When I gave my part of the radio interview last month, this was one of the things I spoke about. (still working on getting this up and running by the way... hopefully soon!!) We are so supportive of one another... I don't know of any other support group as strong as this one is. I am at a loss for words in amazement of how this organization has come together and grown. It will continue to grow... I have a feeling this next year something wonderful and big is going to happen. Just wait and see...;) (ummm... no I'm not psychic... but at times I do have a rather strong inner intuition, sometimes it scares me! LOL)

Megan, I'm so glad to know you are doing better. As difficult as it is to do, sometimes we can only take things/statements we encounter at face value, and realize the source from where such insensitive statements stem from. And on a side note, if I would practice what I preach, I'd be alot better off. LOL

The Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Stories~ I believe that would be a great learning tool and eye opener for public view. So this is in the works... that's awesome!

[Martin Comiskey]

Megan,

I'm going to relate a story that was just told to me by one of our fellow perisheners. When our pastor was speaking with my wife and I about doing a presentation at church one of the couples came over and asked what we were talking about so we told them about NILMDTS. They acted kind of funny about what we were doing, they are probably in their early 50's. I asked what was wrong and they said they had lost a child. That she was under when the child was born and didn't even get to see the child let alone hold or have photos taken. She said she felt it was better that way because she could get over it easier. Before I could say anything they walked away. I was horrified to think anyone ( specially a church going christian) could say or think that way. Who would not want to see or hold their own child?:confused: I quess that like others here have said it was their generation and the way they delt with things. I for one am glad it has changed.
Martin

[Megan Kitchin]

Thanks everyone!

Cheryl, about the book thing, just to clarify...do you want our story stories with how the photographs we have effect us thrown in? Or do you want our stories of the photos with a little of our story stories thrown in? I hope that makes sense. Basically, do you want us as the parents to focus on the photos or the overall big picture, or both? Also, what sort of length are we talking...do you want full version stories, edited, blurbs, or can we just send whatever comes to us, with the knowledge that they may need to be further edited at a later date. Sorry, I think about these things. Whatever help you need, let me know!!!

Tammy, I totally agree in regards to the cohesiveness between the photographers and the parents. NILMDTS started with one angel and now grows amongst hundreds...lots can be accomplished when we are in such company!!!! Ok, that was a bit deep for me, but so true. :)

Martin, I am glad things have changed as well. I had a nurse who was amazing, mostly because she herself had a child die. The baby was 18 weeks along, but being a mother, she wanted to hold her child. The doctors refused and left her screaming for her little one. Because of this, she became a nurse and volunteers (which is saying a lot) to be assigned to the high risk/probable loss patients so she can make sure they are given whatever time they need with their children. She also prepped us for what we would be going through emotionally....Anyhow, I think that this nurse is an example of why/how times are changing. I can't imagine life having not seen or held my sons.

Update, my father-in-law finally commented about the cute notepaper. Now if he could figure out the rest! Today we saw my husband's Great Aunt and her daughter. They didn't know about Zane and Grayson. When Craig mentionned them in conversation they asked about what had happened and accepted the offer of seeing their photos (Craig keeps some in his wallet). And they were kind. Craig's dad all of a sudden perked up to tell the story (well, his version) of what happened. I know this is so wrong, but all I kept thinking was "What a dork". Guess I am not totally past his comment! :)

[Paula]

Martin- I don't think that whole generation feels that way, for example, what you described also happened to my own mother in 1971 she gave birth to our brother who was still born. As soon as the doctors realized that James had passed they kicked my Dad out of the room and then knocked my mom out. They did not ever let my parents see him (keep in mind he was full term) and then did not allow my Mom to go to the funeral.
My Mom explained that was the way they did things, but was she happy about it? no. She still wishes to this day that she would have had time with him, had some sort of memory and definetly go to his funeral.
So even though there are many or maybe even a majority in that generation who think it's odd what we do or that parents should just "get over it" , I do know first hand that there are many that may not say so but really to admire what we do and I'm sure they wish with all thier heart that NILMDTS was around back then too.
I would bet that the person you spoke with did have a hard time "getting over it" and they may be kidding themselves that having a memory such as a beautiful photograph would have helped them to heal. "it's just the way they did things" should be a thing of the past and I hope that NILMDTS can help put an end to that excuse.