need to help my husband

[nat in ill]

recently, I have realized that my dh and I are on totally different "grieving" schedules. it seems that all of a sudden he is where I was a month or two ago. he said he feels like he is "re-grieving" but I am wondering if he wasn't really grieving then.

do you have any suggestions for me in how to help him?

[Vicki]

I was with a family just yesterday and the nurse was talking to them about grief. She said that there would be times that their grief was not in sync and that if they could think about what it is that they had needed when they were feeling down and then give that to their partner who is now in the dumps that it would help. Does that make sense? I guess it came down to giving to the other what you yourself needed when you were at your low point . . . it made sense to me when I heard it and it's something that I want to remember and use myself . . . there just seem to be times in life whether in grief or just day to day stuff that we aren't in sync and I want to be able to offer to him what it is that I seek when I am down and out . . .
I'm sure that others have better thoughts but that is fresh in my mind so thought I would share . . .

[macsquad33]

Natasha, when you find out, let me know! I feel the same way. At first, I was angry because I though my husband was supressing his feelings WAY too much and NOT grieving as much as he should. Now, he will randomly lay in bed at night and just start bawling his eyes out and shaking the bed from crying so hard. This used to be me. Then, I get upset, because his pain is my pain. We lost our first son on October 9th, so we are coming up on 4 months. I wish I could help you more, I'm sorry that I can't, but we are just in the same situation now. Maybe other's will post about this and help a lot of others! Take care, and God Bless - I will be praying for you and your man.

[Christine Barrack]

Grief and grieving don't have schedules or time frames. It is unique for everyone. The journey to healing is never ending. The path may seem long and twisted at times but there are also times when things flow better.
Just the fact that you can recognize when your dh is having a difficult time is wonderful (sad that you are in this place of grief). Support eachother in what ever way you can. Let him know you know he is hurting and are there for him.

Jennifer posted this and I think it may help. http://www.nowisleep.com/showthread.php?p=74052#post74052

[efswsjuly17]

The first thing I learned from our grievance counselor is that everyone grieves differently. I do believe that. I do not think my husband still has grieved about Emma like I have. If he does it will be in his own time and I will just have to be there to support him. He does try and support me too, but sometimes I think since he hasn't grieved like me that he doesnt know how to help me.

Brandy

[motherofthree]

I think that sometimes our men have the need to be strong and fix us...and we start to feel a little better, they take their turn, so to speak. Reju and I seem to be on completely different schedules (admittedly, I'm more often "down" than he). But I agree with Vicki - try to do those things you needed most (and perhaps didn't get) when you were at your lowest. I actually haven't concentrated on this enough myself...

[rstracener]

As a grieving dad I can honestly say that my wife and I both have our good days and bad days...and they're almost never in sync. And the truth is that it is not always easy to understand when your spouse is having a grieving day when you're not; of course we can understand mentally, but we're not FEELING what he/she is feeling that day, and it makes it difficult to grasp. Also, my grieving journey does not look like my wife's. Although we're both on that road, our ways of dealing with it are individualized and personalized. It's not just where she's at on that road in context with where I'm at, but it's how I deal with my grief in context with my wife's way. I would say that a good way to help your husband when he has these moments is to just love him where he's at, respect his current state, and meet him in the moment (I mean that when he is in the moment of grieving you don't have to feel like you have have the same emotions he's having at that time - just meet him to let him know that it's good for him to have this time. I know this works really well for me.) Thank you for posting this problem. I know there are many people out there that feel like this...I was one of them early on! I hope and pray that this small opinion helps a little.

[nat in ill]

thanks everyone. i appreciate the help and support. i'm sure everyone's felt it too...i wish i could just wave a wand and fix it all. poof, all problems gone.

hugs and again...thanks