14 months

[amburke2]

Today Timothy would be 14 months old. That seems like an odd age for me to find significant, but for some reason I do. I've been thinking a lot about what he would be doing at this age...toddling around, getting into things, banging on pots and pans, wanting to be up and running around playing long before a respectable time in the morning to do so.

His bed would be in the room I'm in now, so I certainly wouldn't be on the computer. We would have decorated his room with an animal motif, so I think he would make a lot of animal noises.

He looked so much like his daddy, I think he would have taken after him and talked long before he walked. Our little house would be filled with words in his baby voice and squeals of laughter.

I picture him with chubby cheeks, hair that curled in the places where it was a little long, and tall for his age. I imagine he would like lots of different foods and would have a penchant for falling asleep in places that were not his bed. I think he would like "playing" video games with daddy. I would e-mail pictures of him to grandparents in other states so they could try to keep up with him, and I'd tell "amusing" stories like the time he dropped my keys in the toilet.

I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing to see so much future in the past. In things that won't ever happen. Sigh.

[Austin's Momma]

Timothy is missing out on so much...and you have been robbed of so much. It's so frustrating to try and *imagine* all the little things we should be *experiencing*. I know he misses you as you are missing him.

[Tammy]

Amanda~ I loved how you described Timothy... sounds like he would keep you on your toes for sure!
Please know we understand your hurt~ it's so hard to move forward in life when such a big part is missing. I too, continue to find myself in that place and it hurts, everyday. In time, that hurt is more manageable, but still present. That is part of motherly love and the love you have for Timothy is evident.

[momma to 2+ an angel]

Amanda...

The 28th is a significant day, no matter what month. 14 mos. is just as important as 12 mos., as yesterday being 5 mos. for my son.

It is so hard when you try to imagine where they would be, what they would be doing, the happiness that you don't have... I am with you on that.

I am so sorry and hope that if you ever want a friend to chat with on the 28th of the month or any other day, I would be more than happy to - Jenn

[amburke2]

Thank you all for your kindness and support. It's kind of a sigh of relief when I come on here, like I don't have to brace myself for what I might read.

I was reading a book last night about meditation, and it mentioned letting go of the desire to change the situation. Since I can't change the situation of Timothy being gone - as much as I'd like to - I thought I'd try that for a few days and see if it's helpful. I'm hoping that at the very least it will make the feelings more manageable and not seem so overwhelming.

[Marcus Momma]

i feel the same way alot of the times especially having a new baby i sit and wonder what marcus would have done at this age. know that he misses you also

[motherofthree]

it mentioned letting go of the desire to change the situation

That's one of the things I got from my therapist - well basically the same...she told me to "accept my powerlessness". It's not easy to do.

I'm so sorry it's extra-tough for you. It's interesting how sometimes these month-milestones work...how some hit you harder for inexplicable reasons. However, I love your imaginings of your son. I haven't let myself imagine those things. I know you mourn not having them and it's painful to think about, but I wish I could better imagine what she would look like and be doing. Maybe Arjun will help me see those things for myself, he looks so much like her.

Anyway, I think it's a good thing - accept the things we can't change, and let go of that desire to change it. I know how hard it is, too. While I can at times accomplish this, it's unreliable for me. I definitely need to work on it more.

I'm sorry Timothy isn't there with you, fulfilling all of your imaginings of him. You're in my thoughts,