How do you answer? (part 3)

[Erica Stone]

I've been feeling pretty OK the past few weeks and I finally decided it was time to visit the baby store and start a registry for the new baby. (Something I never got to do for Matthew and I've been avoiding it up until yesterday. So I'm sitting and filling out the paperwork they ask when I come to the question "Is this your first baby?" and had Y/N boxes to check off. It stopped me dead in my tracks. I didn't know what to put - and why would they need to know that anyway? - and left it blank.

After I was finished around the store I went back to the registry so they could add in my items and the lady said to me, "You didn't answer this question - is this your first baby?"

"I left it blank because I don't understand why they need that information."

I can't remember what she said, but it wasn't really an explanation so I continued,

"No, but my first baby died."

No response. No acknowledgement. Let's ignore what she just said and continue with my memorized script about the registry.

I wasn't upset or angry (surprisingly) but really annoyed. I'm annoyed even now that I can't figure out exactly what is bothering me about the whole encounter. Should anyone involved in a baby-oriented business be aware and train employees that there isn't always a happy outcome? It's not that I wanted to get into the whole story with her, but you could hear the crickets chirping the silence was so palpable.

[Karla]

I was wondering about that. Whenever I see those really beautiful baby ads from Johnson and Johnson, and the tips for new moms, I wonder if they are aware that not all are happy outcomes and wouldn't it be really comforting to have some words of comfort from them done in a nice format like their ads. Ahh, I guess I am asking too much, like Cheryl said we have a different title now, we belong to a different category and some people prefer to ignore, stay away or treat us as if we are strange. After having to cope with so much we have to deal with insensitivity and sometimes educate those who have not labored and lost.
Karla

[Cheryl Haggard]

Erica, I think I would have called her on it.
I am tired of stepping lightly, as to not hurt someones feelings, because they are unsure of what to say.

[Martin Comiskey]

Thinking about this from a business point of view. The question is probably there to find out (if this is your first baby), we can assume you will probably spend more and purchase more from the store. I believe that stores dealing with infant or baby items should have some sort of sensivity training. The problem is most stores pay their help so little that they don't keep help long enough, so no one will spend the money to educate.

I can only speak for myself but I have learned so much from all of you here that I owe you all a great deal of gratitude, not only for what you do but for (as Karla put it) educating me on not dismissing or ignoring the fact that someone has had a tremendous loss in their lives. I know I have always tried not to hurt someone's feelings or open a wound. The problem stems from the fact that people who have not had an experience of loss as you all have, simply do not know how to respond. They don't realise you want your baby recognised and spoke about. I would like to believe that most people are caring and loving.

Martin