Scott Hays
03-22-2009, 11:39 PM
Wow, I looked around, and it's been ages since I've been logged on.It seems as of late that we, here in Boise have unfortunately been photographing to many little angels. But I always feel blessed that I have the opportunity to give their parents this special gift of these wonderful and beautiful photographs of their incredible little ones.Being a father of my little Lindsey, who gosh, would be coming on 23 this year, although I recognize the mother's pain, i often notice the father. If therre is family in the room, I always make sure I speak to the father, maybe just a little extra, as mom is getting that little extra attention at the time. Now, this isn't to say that his wife is ignoring him, as a matter of fact, they are usually doing everything they can to get him to come over to her and their child they can, if the father isn't their already. If the father's parents are their, they are usually by his side. But it's your friends, maybe your sisters, if they don't have a super close relationship to your childs father... I've noticed that when they come into the room, the pat the father on the shoulder, maybe give him a little hug, and then it's straight to mom. No, don't feel guilty, that's not what this is about. You have NO control over this. But here is what you can do.Once you get home from the hospital, you will probably be lucky enough to have a family member there to help you out for awhile. When your good friends or friends, some relatives, etc.. call to see if they can come visit, you know what? Tell them you would like to rest, and see if the can come over after you husband comes home. That way, he can be a part of the visit also. The chances of his friends calling to see if they can come over and visit are slim to none. So if you can have your friends come over when he is there, and make sure he is part of the group, the conversation, it will go a long way towards his healing. The more the two of you can share your story, the more you will be on your way to your healing, for both of you. So make sure he is as much of a part of your visiting as you are. Don't make him hear about how many visitors you had during the day, and how sweet they were, and such. Even if you tell him they asked about him, from first hand experience, it isn't the same. I wanted to hear someone ask me about how I was doing. I didn't really care that someone asked how I was doing. I needed to hear it.So that's just a thought of what I have experienced, and that you can see in the eyes of fathers. So when you wonder why your husband may not be showing the emotions you wish he was showing, think about it for a little while. He may just be needing to have someone show that they are concerned for him as well. Even though we all know that we are, he needs to hear it often. Let him tell the story every once in awhile. let him tell it to your friends, your extended family. It will make you two feel closer. Don't correct him if he gets a detail wrong. You both have your versions of your angel passing. Let him remember it his way.I remember Lindsey vividly. I don't know if my wife remembers much about Lindsey or that day, as she won't talk about her, this many years later. Of course, it took this forum 3-4 years ago for me to really express myself. He may not talk, but maybe someday, he'll find himself on the forum here, expressing himself. Give him sometime.I wish you all the best. I know that Lindsey is welcoming all your little ones, and showing them around, introducing them to their famiies, and keeping them away from that little hellion Maddux... (it's a joke Cheryl and I have)Scott