How do you say this to "outsiders"...?

[momma to 2+ an angel]

A small rant here - I am kinda peeved that my family never mention Cameron or ask anything about him - or if I am doing anything for him... know what I mean?

His 6 mos. just passed and I know not a single family member of mine even took note or would have thought of it as a strugglesome day.

Why is that? (rhetorical)

How can I make people want to talk about him? I know there aren't a lot of memories but come on people, I was pregnant with him for 7 mos.!

He was born, he lived, breathed even, (not that that makes one lick of difference to make him more real) - Why doesn't anybody want to "remember" him the way I do?

I am having a lady do a sculpture of him and it looks beautiful so far... I just cannot stop being his mom, but nobody else seems to see this - How come?

I feel so blessed that I have found the group here to understand that it is important to touch base with people that care about my child too.

Just frustrating that my own blood seems to care less.

Jenn

[Amy W.]

Oh Jenn...I'm sorry. I have a feeling that it might be this way with me in the future too. I don't think anyone has even gone to visit Alexis' grave. Maybe it is because to us they are so much more real because we carried them and felt them move. We know them so much more than anyone else. Even our husbands. But they should still remember. Maybe if you have a blog you could write a general what to do when someone you love is grieving post kind of thing? I'm so sorry. Know that we are here for you.

[angel_26]

my family only talks about kylle when i mention her to them me and my bf talk about her everyday. I know how you feel. I just think they dont want to talk about it b/c they dont want to upset u and I think its the same for me

[Tawnya]

Being an outsider, I can safely say, the probably don't want to upset you. They probably have no idea how to handle this at all.

If they are close to you, I would sit down with them and explain that you would love to be reminded of your baby.

Also, be patient, just like you have never been through anything like this before, neither have they. I am sure they are not trying to hurt you, but trying to do what they think is best.

By letting them know that it is ok to talk about the baby it will help them realize what you expect.

Think about how you might feel if the tables were turned. People are probably so scared that you are having a good day that they would worry about mentioning anything to upset you.

[JenniferBrown]

There were a lot of days when I just wanted to hang a sign on myself that said "To mention my Angel's names is painful but to NOT mention their names is more painful"

I agree with Tawnya, though. They are probably scared to mention Cameron due to not wanting to cause you more pain. I know, it is a catch 22.... as the saying goes "but to NOT mention their names is more painful". Most people don't get that.

I don't have any advice, though. Other than sitting down and tell them straight out that you want to talk about Cameron or that it is OK to talk about him. Our family members and friends still don't talk about our Angel's and our babies grew their wings over 14 years ago. Our children actually talk about them more than anyone else. :)

[suesam]

Jenn I am so sorry about your situation. I have a similar one. My Fiancee and I always talk to Kira in her urn everyday give her kisses tell her we love her and miss her, well my own fricken sister says to me that is not healthy, she isnt there. I was so mad I was like her ashes are in there and her spirit is here, she told me I need to go to counseling. It is no different then going to a grave site to see your loved one and talking to them. I still didn't bring that conversation up to my Fiancee cause he will never talk to her again. Sorry for venting

[kiki1only]

My husbands uncle said the same thing. I told him I live my life as best as I know how. If I talk to him at home so what. You dont have to hear or see me do anything. People really don't understand unless it happens to them.

[Jaydensmom]

Jenn, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. It is so difficult for people to deal with the loss of a child (even harder for a baby they may have never known). I agree with the other posts that people are afraid to say the wrong thing and make you feel worse. My sister actually was brave enough to tell me that she feels like she is walking on eggshells with me - not knowing what to say that might trigger me to tears. It opened up a conversation with her and we had a chance to openly talk about what I needed from her. I hope you are able to open conversation with those you love so you can tell them what will help you honor your precious Cameron. They are forever our children, and we will always be their mommy. ((hugs))

[Krista]

Jenn,

Sending you peace, strength and courage.
(((HUGS)))

[Austin's Momma]

I know exactly what you mean. Little Austin would have (should have) been 6 months on April Fool's day. I was not in the mood for any jokes and would have loved for someone in my family/a close friend to have thought about us. I don't know if anyone did and just didn't say anything, but it hurts. When you find out how to make them understand, let me know. I'm sure our boys were celebrating together :rolleyes:

[Benjamin's Mommy]

For me it seems to get worse every day. And I start to feel like a broken record having to be the one constantly bringing up my little angel. An aquaintance asked me just today how my baby was - he didn't know what had happened. I told him that Benjamin was in heaven and I thanked him for asking about Ben. A coworker heard the conversation and apologized for not telling this man about what had happened. Well, it has been four months and I no longer totally break down every time he is mentioned (don't get me wrong, I still break downe quite often, but I do feel better when his name is mentioned). I told my coworker this and he seemed very relieved. So I think it is true that people are just so afraid of hurting your feelings that they'd rather not say anything at all. I sent a general "update" type email to some friends and mentioned that the sound of Ben's name is music to my ears and mentioning him will not make me any more upset than I already am. That just because I am not crying every second of the day doesn't mean that I'm not hurting. Only one person responded to that email, but we have had some good emails since then.

Perhaps our existence messes with their world view. When they see us they see that bad things happen to good people, and they freak out or think that our bad luck will rub off onto them? Sorry, I'm babbling....

[momma to 2+ an angel]

One of my old clients called me yesterday to see how baby was doing because he had heard from a colleague of mine that I was back to work already.

I explained to him what happened and he seemed to really want to get off the phone. I let him go but didn't break down when I talked about it.

It felt good to chat with someone, anyone about Cameron.

[Cheryl Haggard]

This is one of my favorite quotes:

The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you really are my friend, please don’t keep me from hearing this beautiful music: It soothes my broken heart and fills my soul with love.

[Hope]

This is one of my favorite quotes:

The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you really are my friend, please don’t keep me from hearing this beautiful music: It soothes my broken heart and fills my soul with love.
I love this quote! It puts into words something I have struggles to know how to express to those close to me. Thanks!

[Hope]

I love this quote! It puts into words something I have struggled to know how to express to those close to me. Thanks!



This is one of my favorite quotes:

The mention of my child’s name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears. If you really are my friend, please don’t keep me from hearing this beautiful music: It soothes my broken heart and fills my soul with love.

[Angela Donaldson]

hugs thats one thing that a yr and a half later Im still struggling with.

I was talking to someone and they said. "No one will love Ethan the way you do, because your his mom and you had that special bond with him".

I guess it hit a little bit hard then that it will never really happen. Death of a child is really a taboo thing.

I blog and that helps a lot.
http://journeyingrief.blogspot.com/