Greiving Dad

[liamsmom]

Well im sure some of you may already know the user name. Except that im the dad of little Liam. for those not knowing our story just look for the post under My stories. Anyways its been about just over 2 and a half months. I have tried to support my wife and take care of her the best i know how. I love and cherish her more know then ever. I cant stop thinking of our daughter and spending as much time with the both of them as i can. I have relaly tried to stay strong and be there for my girls, but know it seems that everyday when im home from work and get out of work mode and when our daughter is put to bed my mindset changes and everynight i get the same knot in my throat and this crazy feeling of anger and sadness. I dont know what to do and i feel the pain is just coming back. I want to stay strong for my girls but its just getting harder and harder. Are there any other dads that have been through this that have some advice? THanks for reading

liamsdad

[momma to 2+ an angel]

Liam's Dad --

I am not a dad but just wanted to send you some hope - Hope that one day the knot, anger and sadness won't hurt so bad.

Jenn

[Abigailsmommy]

Liams' Dad. I am a mom but I know my husband was the same way. He tried to be so strong for me and our living son who is 8. I think that when this kind of tragedy happens and it brings you closer to the ones you love (your wife and daughter) you can all depend on each other to get through the really rough days. I know my husband held it in for so long that first month and 1/2 trying to be strong for me that he finally just had a breakdown. The thing is from my perspective he is strong when I am not and I am strong for him when he is not. You have to get your feelings out or it just builds up over time and feels so unbearable. we seemed to try and resume normalcy but we finally realized that we needed to talk about it together about the pain we were experiencing and the grief and it seemed to help. Just hang onto each other as tight as you can. You will always have bad days but they will be less as time goes on.


“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”


Thinking of you and your family
Jenni

[VictoriaM]

Liam's Dad, my husband was determined to be the rock for all of us to hang onto. We had a surviving twin son who was clinging to life and three older children. He just kept going to work every day and avoided telling anyone that we had lost a daughter. He fell apart when he thought no one was watching and many, many sleepless nights later, he admitted that he needed to talk about our loss. Nineteen years later, he finally sees a therapist and is working his way through the pain he held deep inside him. He paid a high price for his reluctance to share his pain. Talk to someone. Share how you feel. Showing your grief for your loss is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of your love for your son and your humanity. I wish you peace.

[amburke2]

Liam's Dad,
My husband and I are both navigating the grief from Timothy's death, but Eric (my husband) has more experience than I do with profound grief because his best friend died when they were 16. This is what he had to say: "The pain will keep coming back. It doesn't go away, especially after just a couple months. But if trying to stay strong means that you're trying not to let it bother you, then that may be the wrong way to go about it. At the end of every week I still feel depressed. I can certainly feel empathy for you. As long as you stay communicative with your wife and staying strong doesn't mean you're keeping it to yourself, that's the most important thing. Then you're suffering alone, because that's not good. Part of the reason you have a spouse, a helpmate, is to help you through tough times."

For my two cents, I will say that communicating feelings was something that was difficult for me because of the power within the emotions associated with Timothy's death, but I practiced talking and listening until I got good at it. I had hoped that after the first 6 months or so, things would get better and I wouldn't get so upset anymore, but the lingering effects of grief took me by surprise. Eric threw himself into work, and then the same type of emotional shift that you talked about would happen at night. They're less frequent now, but we still have "wallowing days" where we come home from work and say that it was a sad baby day, and talk about missing Timothy and look through his pictures or other things.

As much of an adjustment that talking-about-feelings thing was for me, it's helped our marriage a lot because when one of us is upset, we can say it's due to the circumstance of our son not being here with us rather than something the other person did. It also helped both of us to know that we each miss Timothy terribly and are not so alone in our grief (especially since it's been a while for us, many people seemed to have "moved on" and are waiting for us to do the same. They apparently don't know that we'll always miss him.).

I'm sure that you and your wife will do the best you can for your family.

[Jaydensmom]

Liam's Dad,
First, please let me say that I am so sorry for your loss of Liam. No parent should have to endure this pain, and I am sorry that your family is walking this road of grief. Let me also encourage you, we will make it... and we are here to listen when you need to talk.

I understand your feeling the need to be strong for your family. My husband is the same way. I would encourage you to speak with your wife about your feelings. I think the open communication can help you heal and bring the family closer. I actually asked my husband to join my counseling sessions every other week - to support me, but also to give him an outlet if he felt he needed to talk. A safe place so to speak. Maybe that will help you too? Its a safe enviornment that you can all share your hurts, grief, disappointment etc. I've heard of so many families growing apart after something tragic like this happens. So for me, I am happy to support my husband when he has bad moments, bad days. I feel like it is making us closer. I am sure your wife feels the same way. I am sorry you are in this pain, and pray that you will find the comfort and strength you need to get through it.

[Mackenzie's Mommy]

liams dad,
i am mackenzies dad i know the feeling you are talking about its been the same for me. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you must be going through i never talk about the way i feel. But the empty feeling i have never goes away it some times not as big when i am at work. i wish i had better advice for you but i am still walking that road and nothing seems to help.my throughts and payers our with you and your family

[Hope]

Liams Dad:

I am so sorry your son died. There is no greater sorrow than that of losing a child.

I'm posting under my wife's name. My 2nd daughter Zoe died in utero at 20 weeks. That was just over 2 years ago.

I reacted in a similar way; I'm the man, right, so I have to be strong and be the rock my family can lean on. I think it's a good thing, when a man wants to be strong for his family when things go wrong. Anyway, I was devastated by my daughter's death, but I was also devastated by the pain my wife was going through. I mean, my God, even though I lost my daughter, I still couldn't begin to imagine what my wife was going through, having held this precious baby inside her for months. It seemed my wife was on the edge of losing it, and I think to lose it would have been justified.

So in my mind, I decided I needed to be strong for her. Well, my grief was so sharp I thought the only way I could be strong was to put it on hold. I can't tell you how many movies I've seen where a soldier loses his best buddy but has to shelve the grief to get the job done. That was me. And that can be a necessary thing to do.

What I didn't realize until later is that "getting a job done" is not the same as being a strong support to my wife in her grief. In order to shelve my grief, I had to detach myself from my emotions. And I couldn't do that without detaching myself to some degree from my wife and her pain. So what I did with the best of intentions actually was the wrong thing; what my wife really needed from me was a friend to listen and hold her. She needed someone to share her pain, not "get the job done". To see me hurting and even "losing it" at times would have actually helped her not feel so alone. But that was not something that seemed logical to me at the time. We guys often think that being strong means never feeling fear or pain. Now I believe it takes a lot more strength to admit those things and still keep living than it does to bottle them up.

My advice to you: share your pain and anger with your wife. If she can't handle hearing it in a particular moment, she can tell you. Chances are it will help her deal with her grief. Let yourself feel the pain, even though it hurts. Let yourself be angry. I actually stood outside one night and shook my fist at God. The longer you hold your grief inside, the worse it gets when it finally comes out. And it will come out one way or another. You have to feel it now even though it seems like you can't take anymore. The pain never goes away, but it gets less sharp and doesn't last as long at a time.

The bottom line is if you want to be strong for your girls, you have to be as whole as you can be, and that means you have to deal with your grief now and share it with your wife. Just my two cents. It's very very hard to do this, but it's worth it, and it you will come out of it a stronger man, but not necessarily in the ways you might think. I'm rambling so feel free to talk more if you want. But I am so so sorry for what has happened to you.

Phil, father of Abigail, Zoe, and Isaiah

[rstracener]

Hey Liam's Dad,

I am so sorry to hear about your loss and I totally identify with you. My son Samuel passed away last September and I was destroyed. Firstly, I am totally not qualified to help, but I hope that I can at least give you some encouragement. The best advice that I can give isn't much, but I pray it helps you. As dads and husbands we have it ingrained within us that we are the strong ones in a tragedy. But as grieving dad I have to say that the fact that I grieve with my family shows leadership and strength. By grieving over my son I show my wife and my first son that its absolutely okay to cry and breakdown, and to have moments of weakness. Your family needs to process those emotions, and that includes you. To me, that is strength. I am strong enough to lead my family in the very thing that they need. My only other piece of advice to remember that you are already strong. Just by posting this and seeking out an answer you are showing just how strong you are. I'll be praying for you as you go through this time. Thanks for posting this and, again, I am very sorry to hear about your son. Look me up if you need to talk...I'm good to just listen. God bless...