Friends, I need your opinion

[KEA's Mom]

First, I want to say that although I don't post often anymore, I read the posts each and every day and have since the day I've found NILMDTS. You've all become important to me and part of my life. I am sad when you are and I celebrate your joys as well.
As you may have read in previous posts, my best friend's daughter passed away last November, 37 days after she was born with Trisomy 18. HAIN was kind enough to make a dress for her daughter out of my Mom's wedding gown. My parents just love my girlfriend and her family and after we lost our Amanda, they were sooooo sad for Mary and her family and though they knew there was a slight possibility that Mary's daughter would beat the odds and live for longer than average, my Mom felt the need to do something. The dress was done in time for her birth but baby Marie made it through birth and did well, until the day before she passed away. I was there with Mary and family after sweet Marie had passed away but I couldn't bring myself to give the dress to her. Mary has a strong faith in God and truly believed and was so hopeful that Marie would live, for at least a good while, that I suddenly was panic stricken that if I gave her that dress, she would not have taken it well--that we had prepared in some way for Marie's death--that we didn't have faith that she would live to outgrow that dress. Mary is my best best friend and I was afraid this was something that would damage our relationship. I know how "off" my emotions were after we lost Amanda--I was afraid. It's important to both my Mom and I that this beautiful dress, donated and made out of love, be used by another family. I am a parent coordinator for NILMDTS so I plan on giving it to one of our photogs to bring to a session and present it when the time is right. Here's my dilemma. Do I show it to Mary first? Do I take pics of it to show her if I ever feel like it's the right time? My Mom has been very understanding about this and understands my reasoning so I have her support. What do you think?
Thank you, as always.

[Abigailsmommy]

Kristen, I can understand your dilemma. But I think since she is your friend and knows what you also have been through losing a child she is now a member of this club that we never wanted to be in. Since her daughter passed last November I think maybe enough time has passed for her to where she would not take it the wrong way. I think for us who have lost children we realize that no pregnancy is ever perfect and sometimes bad things happen and I think now we are more prepared and it's not that you were just expecting her baby to die. You just understand the whole experience of losing a child and you and you Mom were trying to do something really nice and heartfelt for her and I think she will understand that especially if you tell her how you feel about not wanting to give it to her when it happened because you did not want to upset her.

I think it is a really sweet thing you and your mom did.

Just like my mom said today-since we lost my baby girl Abbi we as a family just know not to take ANYTHING for granted any more. You and your mom knew that when she had her baby and you just wanted to have something nice for her to have her picture done in. We all know here that our pictures from NILMDTS are PRICELESS and our precious memories.

HUGS
Jenni

[HAINAngel2000]

personally, I think its how you approach her. If you walked up to her in a loving way and say I had this made for your angel, made with ____wedding gown. Let her know you understand the pain of her loss and wanted to do something to help during this time.

[Cheryl Haggard]

My opinion:

I probably would not bring it up. My first reaction to your post was: If it were me, I might be upset that you did NOT give it to me, so I could use it for my child, and now you are showing it to me, wanting to pass it on. Even though I might not have used it, it still was meant for my child...KWIM? I would pass it on, without bringing it up.

[KEA's Mom]

Yes, I do know what you mean. In the end, I don't think Mary would have used it because it was important to her and to her husband that Marie be buried in something warm and soft that Marie had worn, and was loved by her family in when she was alive. I don't want her to second guess her decision now.
Thank you