Totaly Lost...but I will carry to term

[Jennasmom]

First I want to say thanks for all of the encouraging words. I have made the decision to carry as long this little peanut wants to stay with me. I feel it is God's decision when to take my baby to be with him. With that beinng said I have a doctor appointment today to let him know the choice my husband and I have made. I'll keep you updated. Thanks again.

[KEA's Mom]

I will be praying for you and your peanut and that you're able to find some measure of peace in your time together.

[HAINAngel2000]

Praying for you. I know this is hard, but I am proud of you. If you need anything from HAIN please let me know.

[Jennasmom]

I just got back from the doctor and he is supporting my decision but not happily. He explained that it will be a hard emotional time. I told him I only have this time to give life in whatever form God wants. I have read that other mothers have made birth plans and I gues that should be my next step, I just now sure how to start....

[HAINAngel2000]

There are all different things to prepare are you meaning birth and death? Things to remember kind of info? Sorry for asking, I hate to. I just want to be able to help answer as much as I can.

[carissa13]

You have made a brave decision and so unselfish! I'm sorry to hear you say your doc is not happily supporting your decision, because it is your decision. Each of us have to make our own decision, we are not here to judge anyones decision but I feel your pain, I to carried my angel until God decided it was time for him to come home. For me I knew it was not my decision to make and I'm so glad I did it the way I did.

It's going to be an emotional time but if you made other decisions that to would be emotional. Always remember, this is the time you will have with your angel, cherish it, it can still be a time of love and joy if you let it be!

One day at a time, that is so important right now!

[LaylasMama27]

I am so glad that you made that choice!! From what I hear of other mother's that had to make that decsion they are so happy they did so that they can spend those month's just loving and cherishing their baby. *hugs*

[gtownherd]

It is a hard time, but you will forever be grateful for whatever time you have with you baby. I was, we had 4 days with our daughter, great days

[Christine Barrack]

Sending you hugs. I am so very sorry.

[Stephie84]

Sending hugs and prayers and a pool of support, you will not regret this choice. Carrying to term was one of the best things I've ever done

[smileyone6969]

I agree you wont regret it. It will be hard to come to terms with it but just rememeber that when you hold that baby in your arms you did your best and now its all up to GOD.Your baby is greatly loved and always will be and wont be forgotten we wont let it happen.WILL WE LADIES

[loveu4ever]

it will be hard but you have made the right choice. Just to see them to meet them it's all worth it.

[amburke2]

Sherry,
I'm glad you and your husband decided to carry your son to term. When we were making that decision, my husband and I talked about it quite a bit and it finally came down to the fact that he was our son, we loved him, and if we ended the pregnancy ourselves then we would only have his death and not be able to share any life with him. Hopefully, you'll have a similar experience to ours and be able to interact with your son when he gets big enough, and enjoy some time with him after he's born.

Thinking of you.

[tstracener]

While it is a hard time, it is also a precious time. My first doctor was notsupportive, so I found one who was and valued the life I carried. Praying for God's blessing on you and your baby. If you need anything, like a sample birth plan or something, just tell me. Always in my prayers.

[Cterian]

I just read your post from 2 weeks ago, its hard. I think each person makes their decision, while difficult no matter what you will cherish the time you have. I took the time with Jody to tell him about tons of stuff, our kids would talk to him. It truly helps, I relished the time that we had before he was born.

Not all doctors are supportive, all of ours were wonderful and we continue to talk to them to this day. Our primary OB calls on a regular basis to see how we are which is incredible. She also gives our number to parents with adverse diagnosis.

I did a birthing plan for our Dr. and the nurses at the hospital, all of which said it was very helpful. If you would like you are welcome to send me a message and I will share it with you. At least it will give you a starting point.

[motherofthree]

Prayers going up for you....I also carried to term, and have not once regretted my decision.

[motherofthree]

I just want to add that my brother had T-18 and lived unexpectedly long. I hope you get precious time with your sweet baby. I only got two hours with my Kavya, but I cherish every second....

[Benjamin's Mommy]

I just got back from the doctor and he is supporting my decision but not happily. He explained that it will be a hard emotional time.

That is an incredibly hard decision that I have been fortunate not to have had to make myself. But either decision would be followed by a hard emotional time. I think it is a brave decision you have made - but I think it is also a decision that will allow you time to honor your baby while she is still alive inside you. You can take the time to talk to her - caress your belly - tell her how much you love her. All the things I wish I had spent more time doing while I was pregnant with Benjamin. Once he died, it was too late. Of course, I've told his spirit those things - but something about telling your baby (or anyone) these things before it is too late is quite healing.

I hate it that you have to go through this. My prayers go out to you.

[Madge]

I just got back from the doctor and he is supporting my decision but not happily. He explained that it will be a hard emotional time. I told him I only have this time to give life in whatever form God wants. I have read that other mothers have made birth plans and I gues that should be my next step, I just now sure how to start....

It IS a hard emotional time. There is no doubt about that. But it is in our weakness that HE is strong. He will carry you.

If your doctor isn't supportive it may make this harder if he is going to keep reminding you of your "other option". I had a great OB, but the pedicatrician who would have been there during Dekar's arrival was a total creep. Thankfully I was able to choose a different dr. who respected my decision and didn't act like Dekar was dead already.

This forum has provided much support, and connecting with a hospice worker was also a lifesaver before Dekar's actual arrival.

I have my birthplan posted at my blog (signature line) so you can check that if you'd like.

[motherofthree]

I had a great OB too - who was completely supportive of our decision to carry. In fact, he told us that studies have shown that parents that go on to carry, have, and bond with their children do better emotionally than those who don't. When I was considering (very briefly) terminating, he mentioned this to me while at the same time making it clear that he would help me and support any decision I made. If your doctor doesn't support your decisions, I would think about getting a different doctor!

[Krista]

Sending you peace, light and big (((HUGS)))

[Bgeez]

Carrying to term was also the best thing i ever did,I was told my baby wouldn't make it to 30 wks but she did. we bonded so well, , how great it was to feel her kick, I was always happy to feel any movements ...they are now beautiful memories . My specialist and other doctors knew it would be hard but i decided to carry her. It was rough both physically and emotionally knowing she may not have a chance in this world but i wouldn't have had the sweet memories. She made it to 36wks and 3 days and she was still born , i heard her heart beat through the monitor before she passed on, i will cherish always that. I know how she looks like , i held her in my arms , i felt her warm body immediately she was born , i can still smell the sweet baby scent after her bath , yes! to me those will be sweet memories i dream of anytime i want to think of her and that brings a smile. I hope you will have that smile too . Sending you prayers and hugs.

[thomas'mommy]

Just wanted to know that I totally support you. Carrying to term was definitely the hardest thing I've ever done, but one I don't regret for a minute. You will be so glad to meet and greet your baby, even if it is just for a short time like we had. The best advice I was given was to celebrate the fact that your baby is very much alive right now, and start creating memories together right now. One of the clearest memories I have of the night Thomas was born, was telling our doctor, "It was worth it." It will be worth it for you too.
I would recommend reading the books "Waiting with Gabriel" and "I will Carry You." They both encouraged me in my decision to meet and say goodbye to Thomas on God's timeline.
Thinking of you,
Shauna

[Randy]

It was the spring of 2008 when my wife Marcia and I were elated to find out that we were
expecting our third child. We thought the timing was perfect given that our other children would
be old enough to share in a new baby’s life with us. Our daughter Madison, 2 and son Todd, 4
were excited at the prospect of a new brother or sister.

Too eager to wait till the due date, we decided to find out the baby’s sex on a regular visit to our
local obstetrician. It was at this appointment in September we found out that the doctor believed
we were having a girl. We were excited for another girl, but there was still a surprise.

The doctor told us that everything that she could see looked good but it was what she couldn’t
see that caused here some concern. With that news she immediately scheduled an appointment for
us to go to a larger medical center in northern Vermont where they had a higher resolution
ultrasound. With greater detail, she felt that they would be able to determine if there was really a
problem or not.

It was only a few days later and we were at the hospital for the ultrasound. We were a bit
apprehensive about the visit but as any good parents, we wanted answers about out baby’s health.
We prayed about it ever since the news several days prior and knew that God was going to be the
one in control no matter the diagnosis.

The ultrasound technician took great care to record many measurements of our baby’s size and
heart rate. She checked the size of her head, arms, legs and showed us the precious little feet and
hands. We shared in the beautiful bouncing rhythm of the heart beat which was making our hearts
sing with joy. At the end of this hour long exam, the technician kindly let us know that she would
show the results to the obstetrician, who would be in shortly to answer any questions that we had.

The doctor introduced herself and sat down with us. She explained that there was an abnormality
that was detected on the ultrasound. It appeared to her that our baby wasn’t developing kidneys.
We knew this wasn’t good but we didn’t know yet just how bad it really was.

She went on to explain that the baby is responsible for making its amniotic fluid at this age by
essentially urinating in the womb. This amniotic fluid gives the baby room to move about and
properly develop. Without this vital space the lungs would not develop sufficiently to allow the
baby to live outside the womb for very long. We were at a loss for words to say the least,
struggling to find the right kinds of questions. What do you really know to ask in a moment like
this?

The doctor asked us what we would like to do, which to us insinuated that abortion would be an
option. We politely told her that no matter what the diagnosis that termination of our baby’s life
would never be an option. She excused herself to confer with some colleagues and returned with
one of them who is a physician specializing in high risk pregnancies. She asked if we had any
questions and reiterated what the previous doctor had already told us about the grim diagnosis and
the expected outcome.

This physician let us know that if we wanted to she could help terminate the pregnancy before the
weekend. She cautioned that if we didn’t terminate now that the baby would be past the 25 week
mark and they would need to involve an ethics panel to get approval for terminating.

At this point we weren’t just at a loss for words with broken hearts but we were offended. We
were offended that a physician would push this option on us when we thought we had made it
clear that this child would be carried to term. It was not our decision to make nor did we feel that
is was anyone else’s. We knew in our hearts that God was the only one who would be the one to
make that determination. It was His will only.

We left that hospital and never went back.

Still reeling from a tumultuous sea of emotions and questions, we decided to get a third opinion at
a hospital that would respect our decision to carry our child to term regardless of what any
physician thought may happen. We decided to go to Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center,
driving 2.5 hours each way for the remainder of the regular checkups. The staff there were
supportive and willing to work with us.

It was time to carefully create a birthing plan. This way when it came time for the baby to be born
everyone knew what our wishes would be and how to approach the complications after. We had
decided on a Caesarian birth and we would make a determination after he was born if he had
enough lung capacity to put him in the natal ICU. In the ICU he would need heavy oxygen and
dialysis.

The outpouring of prayer and support from family, friends and churches was amazing. We had
heard of churches in the South and Midwest that were offering petitions to God. My wife Marcia
and I had shed many tears together and had prayed for our child to be born at least long enough
for us to spend a little time with it.

In the six weeks prior to our child’s due date I had decided that our child needed to know my
voice better than most dads. After all, I would hopefully be whisking our child away from the
operating room while my wife was being stitched up, and I wanted the baby to take comfort in the
sound of my voice during any struggle for life.

To reinforce the familiarity of my voice I decided that I would read a story before bed every night
with my cheek against my wife's belly. I would switch between Dr. Seuss and children's bible
stories. No matter the story, the baby would respond enthusiastically which let me know that it
was working. My favorite story came to be a book called “Afraid of the Dark” by Karen Sapp and
Rachel Elliot.

Then the day came for the c-section.

My parents and in-laws were with us just prior to surgery to support us and to meet this new
grandchild of theirs. We formed a circle of hands and I led a prayer thanking God for this
opportunity to exercise our faith in Him.

I asked Him to bring back my wife strong and healthy from surgery and to give a full measure of
grace and mercy to our baby. I acknowledged that He was the one in control and while we were
praying for a miracle, that whatever the outcome that I knew He had a plan for our lives and our
delicate infant.

We were escorted to the operating room very anxious, excited and wanting answers finally.

We had our first surprise when we found out it was a boy (we thought we were having a girl).

Our second surprise was when he began to cry.

He was born 8lbs 10oz and 21 inches at 11:15am on January 6th. Because he was already
deprived of oxygen, his skin was a bluish purple similar to a light colored lilac. He couldn't move
his arms or legs since they may have become numb already or simply deprived for some time
while in the womb.

My wife and I both began to cry with him but these were tears of hope and joy. We knew as we
looked at each other in the operating room that we would have at least a little time with him.

The doctors and nurses quickly but thoroughly made their standard initial assessment and asked
me if I would like to escort him out of the room. I brought him over to see my wife and give her
an opportunity to kiss him and see him. It was also then that we decided to name him Skylar
Dylan.

I brought him back to the room that would be our world for three days. It was there that he met
his grandparents and Doug Brecht who was from NILMDTS. We made sure to
use this limited opportunity to all take turns holding him and getting photographs of him.

Two hours after Skylar fully entered our lives he moved on to his eternal life with our heavenly
father. We are still so thankful that we were able to spend time with him, even as limited as it was.
The following is the announcement that I felt appropriate to share with the friends, family and
churches around the country that had been looking for a miracle:

“As of 11:15 AM on January 6th, Skylar Dylan Morris, was born into this world at
Dartmouth-Hitchcock Medical Center in New Hampshire. He lived for an amazing two hours with
us and his grandparents before going home to our Heavenly Father at 1:05pm. For those who
prayed for a different outcome, do not be discouraged. While our child was called back home it
doesn't mean that your prayers were for nothing or that your faith was weak. On the contrary,
your prayers will have shown that you understood that our Creator was the only one capable of
changing the circumstances. Even though the circumstances didn't change in the way we hoped or
requested, I pray that you will all have grown closer to Him as I know we have. God has granted
Marcia and I great comfort in these last few months but especially today and we are thankful for
the time that we had with Skylar. Whether we live for an hour or a century it is all like a blink of an
eye compared to eternity. Thank you all and God bless! “

My wife and I had previously discussed, in private, our desire to donate his heart since it was
really the only viable organ for donation that he had. A few hours after Skylar passed, we were
approached by one of the residents with a question. She choked back tears to ask us if we would
be willing to donate his heart valves since the New England Organ Bank was looking for donors.
Neither of us paused in agreeing to give the gift of life to another family.

Skylar's two valves have passed all tests and are currently frozen and awaiting recipients.

And so our story continues as we patiently wait to hear from the New England Organ Bank about
a family whose child will get to live a full and healthy life because we decided not to terminate a
child back to his creator.

We continue to pray that other families will not have to experience the loss of an infant but if they
do that they will only grow closer to God and understand that there is a plan for their life that is
greater than that sorrow. We hope that those, who expect an undesirable outcome for their child,
would reach out for memorial photography and thus is the goal of littleonescalledhome.org.

Side note about Skylar's burial.

We decided, prior to Skylar's birth, that if we needed to bury him that we would take advantage of
the laws in Vermont that allow for backyard burial.

I hand built a casket out of oak during the months leading up to his birthday. Some asked me why
I would do such a thing if I was exercising faith for a miracle. My reply was that if he was healthy
that I would bury the casket with all the bad memories but that if we needed it, I could focus on
my wife and kids without worrying about building a casket.

We had a beautiful ceremony for our baby boy at our home on January 10th surrounded by
friends and family.

It's now almost time for his second birthday and I am honored to now be an affiliated photographer who has helped several families who have lost infants.

[Madge]

Randy, that is a beautiful story. Thank you for sharing.

[missing miles]

A beautiful story indeed :) What a wonderful testament of faith, and what a blessing your Skylar could be to you, your family, and also to the baby & the family who received Skylar's heart valves.