I know he is hurting

[smileyone6969]

I not sure how to write this post so I will do the best I can with putting it into words. When we lost our Shyanne My husband Mike went with her too the NICU by my request he even went down everytime I said too. He touch her but would not hold her.Why is this. It hurt me too see that he wanted nothing to do with her. at least that is how I felt. At her funeral I he did cry.a few months later I asked him a question I wish I could take back. I asked if he regreted not holding her.He snapped at me and told me never to ask him that again.Then 18 short months later we went through loosing Piper. she never made it out of the OR after my c-section he was waiting to NICU with her. when they told us she was gone he just shut down.I never saw him touch her or even kiss her. At her funeral he didnt even cry. Its like she never was here to him.But I dont know what he is thinking he is a quite kind of guy anyway. So how can I get him to talk about it. He doesnt seem to mind when I talk about them but after awhile he changes the subject. and when people ask what happened if I am their he says ask my wife.other wise he says we lost them after birth to a chromosome abnormality. And leave it at that. How can I help him I know he is hurting inside.

[momma to 2+ an angel]

I am sorry you are going through this - My husband never held or kissed or even really looked at our son.

When he was born, he wasn't even in the room with me. He just couldn't. I had to respect his boundaries about what he could and couldn't do -- It hurt and it still does but I cannot change it and neither can he.

I don't think our guys have the same instant love we do for our babies, that crushing, undeniable motherly love. I think my hubby kept his distance to protect himself at the time. Like yours, I think he wishes he had of done things differently, but like us, they cannot change what happened in those too brief moments.

At first, I wanted to leave Bob, not be with him and all that because I didn't know where he was with it - seemed to fluff it off like Cameron never happened - and it HURT so bad. I think I realize that he did it his way, which is so not my way - but they hurt in a different way and for us too... seeing us so upset.

I wish I knew how to make it better for the guys - Hang in there, my friend.

Jenn

[momofanangel]

I put this poem with Gracelynn's picture and then had it made into a wallet size picture for my husband. He still has it in his wallet.

To My Husband...
Your tears flow within your heart,
Mine flow down my cheeks.
Your anger lies with thought and movements,
Mine gallops forward for all to see,
Your despair shows in your now dull eyes,
Mine shows in line after written line.
You grieve over the death of your daughter,
I grieve over the death of my baby.
But we're still the same, still one,
Only we grieve at different times--
Over different memories
and at different lengths.
Yet we both realize...
The death of our child.

~Pam Burden, TCF

[smileyone6969]

that poem is beautiful I will have to print it off so he can read it.

[Laine]

That poem is beautiful! I pulled out some pink paper and wrote it out. I plan to leave it on his desk before I go to sleep tonight, so that he will see it first thing. It feels as if everything that we have had for nearly 2 years died with our baby girl.

[C.S. Hoppe]

From the fathers perspective I can somewhat relate.

That poem does a pretty good job too.

I hold my grief much closer to my heart than my wife does. She puts it out to me and her friends, I hold mine inside and talk to a close friend and occasionally my wife. He's hurting, but doesn't know how to show it. I know I didn't want to break down much because I wanted to show that I was there for my wife when she was having a hard day. I find my quiet time.

A big part of me died with Benjamin. There are a lot of times I don't know who I am anymore. When he was alive I held him, but after I had a hard time doing so. I knew I should, but it was difficult. I tried to separate myself from what hurt as much as I could, as if it would make the pain any less, but it doesn't. All it does is make you regret that decision later. While I latched on to Ben while he was with us, my Dad quietly watched. And it hurt me.

I hope that you'll be able to bridge that gap in both of your grieving. It really helps. It's OK for men to miss their children too.

Understanding that he grieves differently and may need a different outlet is a good first step. I garden now. My wife knows that when I'm spending a lot of time in the garden, I'm having a rough day and either need some alone time or need to talk. Sometimes she'll make a sandwich for me when I get back in, other times she just comes out and pulls weeds with me. It helps to get me talking.

I hope somewhere in my ramblings you find something helpful.

[SusanH]

I know my husband is hurting too, when we talk I do most of the talking. I asked him recently if he has cried much. He says he does when he is alone at work at night. I was relieved to hear he was letting it out somehow. He also has one friend he trusts and can talk to. So when he needs to be alone or hang with this friend, I give him space.

My husband did not hold Bryce at first. The night we let him off the life support, I was holding him for about an hour when I "had to go", any of you who have had a c-section can understand this. I thought, no way what bad timing! I asked my husband to hold him, I would be back as quick as I can. I came back into the room and a few minutes late Bryce passed in my husband's arms. Then I thought how great, I was so glad he got to hold him. But he recently told me he regrets holding him, maybe he would have hung on longer if he had not held him. Oh that hurts so bad to hear his pain. I had no idea that was so painful for him, here I am so happy that he got to hold him.

[C.S. Hoppe]

Ben passed in my arms too, and it was very hard, but I'm glad he was in one of our arms.

There was about 10 minutes when we thought we had lost him, but we hadn't. He turned blue and when my sister-in-law was holding him. She passed him back to me and I held him and gave him and O2 mask. We decided earlier that we didn't want tubes or forced air. The doctor came over and listened for a heart beat, she heard it, and passed the stethoscope to my wife for her to hear, and when it came to me, I didn't hear anything. My heart crumbled. A moment later, he grabbed my finger opened his eyes and stared at me with a little cry. That what when I knew we would never put him down. It was the most incredible moment of my life.

When he did pass, about 3 hours later, it was much more peaceful and "right". It was an odd feeling, but we knew then and were comforted then that his time with us here was done.

Amazingly, the photographer was there and captured the moment he came to and squeezed my finger. If I could figure out how to shrink a photo, I would post it. But all our shots are pretty big.

I hope you find a way to reach your husband, and in time he feels comfortable coming to you. While the two of you may grieve differently, you're the only ones who really understand each other and the life of your child. These forums are great, and I like reading and writing, but it's not a replacement for someone who actually met Benjamin, or any of your children.