My Jennifer Hope...

[Laine]

I have been looking here on & off since June 27th. I went in for an induction, they were telling me how awfully late I was. I just didn't believe that I was that late but was finally time for the pregnancy to be done and to bring some peace between Chris, my baby's father and I. He and I were in an on again off again relationship when we found out we were pregnant. But one thing remained true, that was our friendship. I went in & was told that my baby girl was no longer viable. Yet something else I refused to believe. Chris picked on me and said that I had gone 'granola' on him. I had decided that I would let my blessing arrive when my body and her soul was ready. I did get a second opinion on her status on June 30th. Again, I was told that it 'didn't appear that she was 'sustaining' life. I took them for every word that they said and then after a lot of crying, I started to think for myself. I stopped plannining my baby girl's end and rather continued to plan for her life. On Wednesday 8th Chris and I were going into to face whatever was put infront of us, together. I had to be certain that he wanted to be there for ME too. He said that I was a major part in his desire to be there and that because she was our daughter and that whatever the situationm she deserved to have us both there. Now I get that his ex has to work part time and such, but he had NINE months to prepare. I gave birth on July 8th alone, without him there, because his son had a sniffle and a cold and he didn't see to make it a prioriority to have a plan in plans. I don't believe that I will ever be able to forgive him for that. I do understand a sick a child, but this was a summer cold, that was it. I held my daughter in my arms, next to my heart. I put my fingers in her dark hair, held her little hand in mine. Had her little fingers around mine. I kissed her goodbye. I kept her in the room with me a long as I could. I was blessed that a nurse stayed to take pictures for me. I wanted to leave immediatedly, but refused to leave until my daughter was on the way to the funeral home. I could not leave Jennifer Hope at a hospital without at least one of her parents. I saw them delivery her, cut her cord and place her on my belly while they cleaned her, just as I had requested. I helded her most of the night, she was in the room with me until the funeral home was there to pick her up. The hospital moved me to the gyn section of the floor, away from the mother's celebrating the birth of their babies. On my door was a beauiful white silk rose with a soft silk pinl ribbon on the doors, to let the staff and any passers by know that there had been the death of a baby and to please remember to be respectful. As soon as Babby Jennifer Hope was gone, I left. A friend of sorts picked me up and brought me home and then when I called Chris after a while he asked me if I wanted him to come get me. Instead, I drove. Less than 24 hours after giving birth. I hurt like heck. But I knew that my othr children did not need to see me thos way. So I went to Chris'. I am doing my best to hold on. He seems to just keep going through every day as if nothing has happened. Someone please let me, is this this wayh that men act? My BFF gave birth to a stillborn at 23wks 10 years ago, so she has been a real blessing for me. But I need Chris. He actually asked me today what was wrong with me.After talking to my BFF, I decided that this is what I was going to do, I sat Chris down and told him. He made offers about me being her for recovery for vaginal, c-section or in the end god forbid, stillbirth. So today, even with his family coming in from out of state, I have told him that I need this room, to be alone. To be quiet. To have time to recouperate. That I didn't need him to feed me, take care of me and I didnt intended in being invovled in his family activities. I just need a place to lay my head so my other kids don'rt have to see my pain. It is literally kiling me. He wants to say 'get over it', he has told me that my othr children need me, but their dad has been great with them, not so great with me. He feels that is the place of Chris and I. He is right.

ANyway, this is more of a ramble than anything. I am on nerve pills and pain pills from a 3rd degree tear. I would love to come back her and share more about my beautiful angel and would love to her more about yours. This is a very sad place to be, but we are sisters in suffering. One last thing since the meds are kicking in, to the daddy's...... does it help coming here? If it does, is it because mom pushed you here? Chris really needs some help. I need him to have it for him and honestly I need it for me too.

Thanks & many love,
Laine
Mommy to many angels born in heaven
Mommy to Baby Angel Jennifer Hope
July 8, 2009 8:03pm
7lb 70z 19 1;4 inches long
head full of black hair.

Many recovery feelings coming to all of us!

[Abigailsmommy]

Laine, I am so sorry about Jennifer Hope. I hate to have to welcome you here. I hate that any of us are here. But this forum has helped me through a lot of really rough days. You can come here and talk and there is always someone listening or willing to give advice or just a shoulder to cry on as someone who understands this kind of loss.

Again I am so sorry
~hugs~
Jenni

[MayaAngel]

Laine, I'm so sorry about Jennifer Hope.....I love her middle name. My 2nd daughters name is Hope. My husband has gone through every day like he normally did...I think it's how men deal. But he does have his moments where he cries. I think he's trying so hard to be strong. Hugs to you, and I hope you share pictures of her...I bet she's beautiful.

[Valerie'sMomma]

Laine,

I am sorry for the loss of your Jennifer Hope. She sounds like a dream.
I think Chris is dealing with the situation the only way he knows how. My hubby hurt when our daughter died. He cried, but he tried to be strong for me. When he was weak I was strong. I had to drag him to a support group. Most of the time it seems like my husband has gotten over the loss but there are times when the pain is very fresh.

[Jennasmom]

Laine, I am so sorry to hear about Jennifer Hope, what a beautiful name. You have come to the right place too talk and morn for your loss. Everyone handles grief in differant ways and maybe Chris is acting as if nothing happen because he is not ready to deal with the pain. I will hope you continue to write on this site as it helps with the morning process and we all understand your pain.

[Laine]

Thank you all for your encouragement. Chris' parents came in today and it appears more will be coming in over the next few days. But not to share in our loss, but because of his big 40th birthday! I am livid, hurt and shocked. I know that he and I aren't married or even in that sort of a relationship at this point, but this was their grand daughter. They 'stopped' by his house today, I was upstairs in the bed. I had even put something on other than a ratty shirt, I thought that they might want to come up here and speak to me. But not a word. Nothing. Instead they checked into a hotel. So Chris is gone now, off to pick up his son then to the hotel to see his parents. I was so hurt that I offered that they just pay for me to stay in a hotel, at least I wouldn't feel like an intruder or a burden. He won't open up to me about what his parents have said and that adds to the pain. They were supposed to be here mid June. I had expressed the deserve to have a small surprise party for him with them and his only brother being the surprise and I heard nothing from them. Now that is what they are doing and just excluding me altogether. For the most part, until the end here when there was so much confusion of Jennifer Hope's due date, they were SO supportive of me. His mom even sent me an article on cutting the cord to soon. And now, I feel as if I am some trash that he picked up and got pregnant in a one night stand. And feeling all of this while trying to process what to do with my baby girl is impossible. I can't do this alone, I feel like it is going to literally take my breath away and along with my breath, my life. He thinks that I should go home & let me other children help support me. They are kids and their father has really stepped up.This is Chris' place to help, no one else's which is good, because I really do not have anyone else to help.

Sorry about the vent ladies. Sometimes it just all feels so overwhelming. Tonight was exactly one week. I remembered that, right down to the exact minute. What I don't get is why the rest of the world just keeps going on without noticing that my beautiful angel baby should be here with all of us.
Again, I appreciate your support. Hopefully at some point I will get through this and be able to offer some support in return.

[Benjamin's Mommy]

Laine, I am so sorry to hear about your loss of little Jennifer. From all of the men I have met in the past 6 months, I'd say Chris is pretty normal. Guys seem to like to "plow" through the pain. They hurt - they just don't show others. I have had to come to terms with that myself. We now just let each other grieve in whatever way we feel best.

My godbaby's nickname is Hope. She was born at 6 months gestation and lived 9 days. So I now always sign off with "Keep Hope Alive": For the obvious reason of keeping hope in my life but also for the reason of keeping Hope's memory alive. Now I'll also be thinking of litter Jennifer when I write it. Peace to you.

[SusanH]

Laine, I am so sorry to hear about your baby girl, and sorry that we have to welcome you here. But this forum is the reason I got through those first painful painful days and weeks. It has been about 4 1/2 months since my son died and it still hurts, but the heartwrenching painful pain does ease with time.

I only saw my husband cry the night we took him off life support and a few times when he was out working in the garage. I was feeling like he was not showing emotion and I was initially hurt by that. The more I talk to him, he tells me how he grieves, alone, at night under the stars when he is working, he works outdoors power washing. The physical activity helps him, you shuld have seen him cut up the Christmas tree to recycle, I stayed far away that day. Oh yes and the ironing board he threw across the room the morning before the funeral. He sometimes jokes that he owes me an ironing board, but he owes nothing, that is how he "got it out" that day and I respect that.

I remember that "one week" night SO well, ugh it hurt as bad as the night we had to take him off the life support. My husband was also not home, as he works nights. I called him about an hour or so after the "exact" time of 9:25pm, and could tell he had been crying, although he insisted he was catching a cold. But he remembered, Chris does too. My husband never has been interested in a support group or really talking about this with anyone other than me and a close friend at work. He is just more private I guess and again I respect that.

Don't forget about your other kids, they need you too to help them through this awful time. My other kids are 4,5 and 8, they all dropped me off at the hospital at 5am the morning Bryce was born, they were so excited. It took me 3 days to come up with the words to explain what happenned to their baby brother Bryce. They are all hurting in different ways, different EVERY day...anger, sadness, WHY??, quiet, then often happy and at peace to know we have a "private angel" watching over us and they look forward to playing with him when they die. We talk about it ALL, I don't hold back, if they ask, I explain. I don't know "Why?" and I explain that, Yes, we will all die someday, hard hard questions. But once they are answered (often many many times) they go off and do their thing until another question arises for them.

Oh I am so sorry, tomorrow is a new day. It will get better, never will go away, Jennifer Hope will always be your daughter, always. She is now your angel. She chose you as her mommy.

[efswsjuly17]

So sorry to hear about your precious angel. We all are too familiar with that first week passing, first month, and now the first year for me tomorrow. Just know we are all here for you in every way we can be.

I will continue to pray for you

Brandy

[LaylasMama27]

Im sorry to hear about the loss of you Jennifer. She sounds absolutley precious! Its a long road ahead but with these amazing women here to help ease the pain just a tad you can and will get through it. Take care of yourself and try to be kind to yourself.

Thinking of you and sweet Jennifer...*hugs*