A different life

[Erica Stone]

I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like they are stuck with a version of their life they weren't supposed to have. Even six months later as we forge ahead and "try again" I am constantly aware that every aspect of my day is in sharp contrast to what it should have been. It's a constant feeling that lives deep within me now, and I don't know if it will ever subside. I can't believe it's been six months - I remember talking to Cheryl at her six month mark thinking that i'd never get to that point. It's strange how time can be so fast and so slow at the same time. I'm supposed to be a new mom now, and I'm not. Even if I find something to laugh at or if I'm feeling pretty good, there's always an undercurrent of sadness that keeps those moments from sinking in. It's certainly an adjustment trying to figure out who I am now, because I don't feel that I can go back to who I was before. Anyone else feel like they're stuck in an alternate version of life? If nothing else, it has made me aware of the people in my life who love me.

[Cheryl Haggard]

Erica, You will always be Matthew's Mommy. Always remember that. You had a baby...Some people will never know that, and it's not fair. Yes, this life is not the way we planned it. Our life was not supposed to be this way, in our opinion. You and I should have met with Maddux and Matthew at a gymboree play time. But who are we to say, that this wasn't supposed to happen in the greater plan of things??? I can certainly tell you, that just by knowing you, your husband, and the tiny spirit of Matthew, you have all changed my life drastically.(where is my darn spell check button??) Not to mention the lives of my family, especially my children, and those around me...Thank you.

[Cheryl Haggard]

And yes, Life will never be the same. But then again, would you really want it to be?

[Tammy]

Erica,
I sincerely wish with all my heart there was something I could do or say to help you through your sadness. May it comfort you to know, even in the most minuet way, I believe we all can relate to how you feel in one way or another. There always seems to be that lonley emptiness, that never seems to subside no matter what we are doing or how we are feeling on any given day. The heartache of losing our baby is always, and probably will always be bared deep within. That is the love of a parent for their child. We grieve for them, because we deeply and devotionally love them, whether in this life, or in spirit.
In our minds, our losses are not fair, and shouldn't have happened. I think the most difficult part (at least for myself) is not knowing the "whys", contemplating the "what if's", and struggling every day with the "what should have beens". I also believe a greater purpose is out there, whether or not each of us finds it remains questionable.
My heart and my prayers go out to you and your family, please know we are here for you. It is my hope that in time you will find serenity and peace with in yourself. Lean on the ones who love you, and who are there for you unconditionally.

[Charlene Lopez]

Erica,
I know exactly what you mean about feeling stuck in a version of a different life than you should be living. They say it gets easier, and sometimes it does, but other times I feel like I was just holding Daniel in my arms yesterday. I keep getting images of him gasping for his breath as I held him in my arms for the first time, then images of his funeral. His time here on earth was so breif. He would be 8 months old on Thanksgiving. How do I give thanks this year when I'm not living the version of life I planned:confused:
Charlene

[Cheryl Haggard]

Charlene, You have to give thanks, even for the brief time you had with Daniel here. I am thankful everyday that I had Maddux. I never heard him cry, never stared into his eyes, never felt his hand grip my fingers. But, I still thank God every day for him. He has taught me and my family so much. Unconditional Love, Patience, Understanding, Faith... Never take tomorrow for granted. I truly believe in Heaven, and know that he is there. Otherwise, why would we all care so much?
Give thanks in knowing that one day, you will be reunited with Daniel for all eternity.

[Tammy]

This time of year I think will be the most difficult. I know each day is a struggle, but it's during this time, we are more in tune with our feelings especially our loss. I don't know if this will help, but let me share with you how I am dealing with this....
The holidays as we all know is a time for giving. We give gifts to our families, we give our efforts in creating holiday meals, and baking goodies etc. It's this time of year we give thanks for what we have.
Although giving my little Chase back to God was not in my plan, it was in His plan... and my beautiful baby is in Heaven with people who love him. I can just see my mother and step-mother spoiling him rotten, I see my uncle making him laugh. And I see God... giving Chase the most precious gift of all, eternal life. Free from worry, sickness, sadness, fear and pain. This is something I could never give Chase, even if I dedicated my life in trying. Yes, I miss my baby, I always will until my time comes to be with him again. He will be remembered in my heart forever. But I am thankful God gave him to us. Chase has taught me to be grateful for what I do have. That nothing in this life is ever guaranteed.
Not sure if any of this makes sence, I kind of got lost with my thoughts, I do hope it helps a little.

[Erica Stone]

While I'm not a particularly religious person and don't necessarily think there's a plan for all of us, I sincerely appreciate your thoughts on the subject. I think that whatever we do to try to bring comfort and maybe a little peace to each other (and ourselves!) is really wonderful. I'm so very sorry that we've all had these awful experiences, but I'm glad that this organization has allowed us to bond in such an intimate way.

Tammy, thank you for your kind words to a complete stranger - Chase is a beautiful little boy and I can feel your love for him in your words.

Charlene, I've been echoing in my head exactly how you feel. I've been having my little flashback moments lately too, and it feels like a fresh wound some days.

Cheryl, if it was up to me none of us would have ever needed to meet. That said, it is you I will be thanking forever. Talk about changing someone's life! I am eternally grateful to you and your beautiful family.

[Charlene Lopez]

Cheryl,

Thank you for your encouragement and insight, I know you are right. I am very thankful that I had Daniel for the brief time that I did. He taught me, my family and friends just how precious each life is. Maybe that was his purpose in life? I was going through a very hard time earlier this week. I'm thrilled to be in my 11th week of pregnancy, however, I was afraid to be too happy about this new baby. At the same time, I didn't think it was fair of me to continue to be too sad about Daniel, given that we have been given a second chance to see another child grow. So for a few weeks, I didn't know how to feel and I was just numb.

It finally occured to me that I could still have moments/days when I'm just so sad and miss Daniel so much. I watch his video, look through his baby album and wonder what we would be doing with him now, what his smile would look like? I finally realized that it's ok still. Then, separately, I can be happy for this new life inside of me. I don't know why I had such a hard time understanding that? But now I do and I feel so much more at peace.

Erica,
It's so hard to be patient, but I know you will have success as you "try again". I also know that it will be very emotionally overwhelming when you are successful. It will be so worth it, and just think, our new little ones will have their very own angel right from the start.

Tammy,
You too are so right about this time of year. It is so important that we remember all that we have to be thankful for. Your strenght inspires me.

Charlene