5 weeks already...

[Laine]

I can't believe that it has been 5 weeks already. It seems like yesterday that I was waddling around Babiesrus trying to see which stroller I liked better and could push. I remember the last time Chris rubbed my belly. I miss all of that. I look at babies and I wonder what Jen would have been like and it makes me so sad. And it seems like it's always the angelversary that everything else falls apart too. I'm taking my desktop over to Chris' tonight for him to do some work on it, but I honestly don't want to. If I didn't need to get some school curriculum put on it for the school year, I wouldn't mess with it. I just want to crawl under the covers and sleep. I don't cry all the time anymore, I feel like I am forcing it back. I am afraid that when it starts again, that it will be a dangerous thing. I will practically be a flood zone. I also go to the GI doctor's tomorrow for the rapid weight loss and I am afraid that they will give me some awful news. I don't know how much more I can actually handle. The smaller urn did come in and it's perfect, now to just plan the trip to the coast to lay her to rest. I keep wanting to put it off and put it off. Like if I do that, then I will always have her with me. I wonder if placing her ashes in the ocean like we had planned is something that I will be able to follow through with or if I should reconsider and keep all of them, rather than just the small amount in the teddy bear's cross. I just don't feel like I think any more clearly than I did the day Jennifer was born still.

Does it get any better 5 mths or 5 years down the road?

[Valerie'sMomma]

It has been 14 months since I said goodbye to Valerie and laid her to rest. There are days when you think of your baby and the things she would be doing now and smile; yet those same thoughts could bring you to tears the next day. I think we learn how to live with the pain so it isn't so dominating of our lives. We always feel broken, always a piece of us missing.

I know that I was broken at 3 months, 6 months, holidays and of course her first birthday. A new pregnancy doesn't make those feelings go away.

I posted alot in the beginning of my grief journey, now I do more reading and I try to offer support if I can. You will eventually find a balance between missing Jen and life. It takes time, don't rush it.

[JillinGA]

Laine,
I lost ALL of my pregnancy weight in the 1st week after Chelsea. 25 lbs and I could not eat ... I was so depressed. I had lost a lot of blood with the emergency C-section, so I was also anemic. I was in bad shape - physically- for several weeks. Emotionally - much longer!
In time, you will find your *new normal* ... in your own time. Be gentle to yourself.

I'm praying for you.
Hugs~

[Abigailsmommy]

Laine, I agree with Christina (Valerie's momma) it is so hard in the beginning and it feels like the immense grief you experience every moment of every day will never go away but it will. I think you just learn to live with it. I do have days where I think of how old Abbi would be now and of the things she might be doing and I smile but then I have my days where I hear a song or drive past the cemetery where she is or just any little thing triggers it and I just break down crying. Your life will get more livable as time goes on but Christina is right there is always a piece of us that is missing and forever will be until the day we die !! I know it is so hard, just try and hang in there-YOU ARE NOT ALONE !!!

Here is a poem that I love and it reminds me that one day I will see my baby girl again !!!

The Broken Chain

We knew little that morning that God was
going to call your name, In life we loved you dearly, in death we do the same.
It broke our hearts to lose you, you did not go alone; for part of us went with
you, when God called you home. You left us precious memories, your love is still
our guide; and though we cannot see you, you're always at our side. Our family
chain is broken, and nothing seems the same; But as God calls us one by one, the
chain will link again.

[jandk4]

Hi Laine,

Be easy on yourself. It hasn't been very long since our girls became angels. I think the cruel thing about grieving is that some moments you may be fine and then all of a sudden you can just burst into tears. This morning, I was at the gym taking an aerobics class. I was fine until the cool down/stretch part at the end and just started crying.

Please take care of yourself.

hugs,
kim

[ama01]

Yes, it does get better. Everyone is different. For me, the first several weeks were the worst. Then all the holidays and milestones throughout the first year. It's been 16 months now since we lost Isabella. I think of her daily, replaying movies of that day in my head. I cry for her some days, but I am truely happy. I remember in those first few weeks after, thinking that I would never be truely happy again. But I am. I love her and miss her. I think of her often and how she would fit into our family. But I'm happy. You will get there. ((HUGS))