Bad Couple of Days

[Collin Cash]

My wife and I lost our son about 2 and a half months ago. I was going along pretty well for most of it. It was seeming like this might pass me bye without much permanent damage and just a painfull memory every once in a while. The last week or so though have been punishing to me. I don't know why but I have just managed to go into a very dark place latelly. I feel like I am not so much living as much as I am just going through the motions of it. I go to work and all of a sudden it feels like every one is wanting me to solve all the worlds problems. I just find it so difficult to care right now though. How can I care about work when it seems like my whole life was turned upside down in a matter of hours. Right now I just have so much anger that it is crazy. I feel like I just want to lash out and beat the person responsible. The problem is though that there isn't any one responsible. There is no where for me to focus my anger. It's just parents aren't supposed to burry their children. I was supposed to be able to protect him. I feel like a failure right now because I couldn't protect him. I know that in reality this isn't the case but it is just how I feel. I would have done anything anything at all just to have been able to bring him home with us. Instead I went home with a crying wife and a lifetime full of heart ache. The worst part is and I know this might sound kind of selfish but every one always asks how is your. Is she ok. Does she need anything. It never occurs to people to ask if I am ok. If I need anything. It is like we are expected to go right back to normal right after it happens. Get back to work and never look back. It just dosn't work that way though. He was just as much my son as hers. I looked forward to having him just as much as my wife did. I had plans and hopes and ideas about how I was going to be as a father. Instead I didn't get the chance. I never even got the chance to hear him cry. To see his eyes looking up at me. I think the thing which bothers me the most is the Dr's appointment when we found out was the first one that I had not been to. 36 weeks of Dr's appointments and I missed one. What luck is that. I don't know. I know that I am ranting right now but I just needed to get all this out. Latelly I have been feeling like I am going to explode if I don't.

[momma to 2+ an angel]

Collin,

I am so sorry for your loss and admire your courage to put into words how you feel.. I hate that people do tend to overlook the dads. I know my husband, as emotionless as he seems at times, is hurting too but doesn't know how to get it out without losing his manliness (if that makes sense).

I hope you are able to find solace in knowing that you are not alone and can make some connections on this site. What is your son's name? Do you have any photos? I love talking about my son... If you ever want to email, please email me anytime. Take care. Jenn

[Collin Cash]

My son's name is Joseph. We named him after my younger brother and my Grandfather. We do have photos. That is actually how I stumbled across this site. The photographers did a wonderfull job as well as the hospital staff. That was actually one of the more positive things about the whole ordeal was how well they all treated us. I actually carry his picture with me every where I go. We lost him very late in the pregnancy. My wife was supposed to be induced two weeks to the day. She developed gestational diabetes and the Dr. was worried that he would get to big. Every thing went fine up untill that point. That is why I didn't go to the Dr's appointment. It was with the diabetes specialist and it was supposed to be a very quick appointment. They did an ultrasound and the nurse told her I don't know how to tell you this but there is no heart beat. That was the worst phone call I have ever received in my life. I spent the next 40 minutes driving from SLC to the hospital in Ogden. The hardest part was that there was no explanation for why he died. They thought that maybe it was a cord problem but it wasn't. They did all the testing and every thing and couldn't find any reason. By all accounts he was perfectley healthy he just didn't survive. They called it a fluke. Some fluke. We have been getting by day by day though and most I am ok. It is just the last few fore somereason. Kind of weird how they sneak up on you when you least expect it. It seems like my wife did most of her grieving right at the start. I had to wait a couple of months for it to really sink in.

[momma to 2+ an angel]

Oh, I bet - It hits you all of a sudden. A friend that I work with, lost his son - somewhat similar - without the diabetes. They went to have their baby and all the sudden during labor, the baby's heart stopped. No reason why. This was 5 years ago for them, and he says he stil has meltdowns - in the shower, where ever.

I am so sorry that there is no answer - This evening, I opened my fridge door, and dropped to my knees asking, "why?" - A "fluke" defect for us too. Why does this happen? It is so hard being so out of control with something that is directly impacting your every being.

[Michael'sMom]

Thank you for sharing your story. My husband and I lost our first child, Michael, in July. I tend to show my emotions more than my husband does, but that doesn't mean he's not grieving. Some days he wakes up and tells me that he's "just in a bad mood" - he's angry and wants to hit something. Like you, he wants to blame someone, but there is no one to blame. And even if there was, it wouldn't bring our son back. It's been just over two months since our son became an angel; my husband tells me that as more time passes, people tend to ask him how his wife is doing, but tend to forget to ask how he is doing. I hate that.

Feel free to vent all you want! Those of us who have lost a child deserve to cry every tear, speak every word of anger & frustration, and do whatever it is we need to do to survive. Take care of yourself!

[Casey'smommy]

It's good that you are able to get your feelings out. I know that my husband Chris is still having a really hard time letting go of his feelings. You are so right when you say that he was just as much your son as hers and it is not fair that people overlook you as his daddy. It's just another one of those things in life that makes you want to scream and say "What about me? What about what I need?" I'm so sorry that you had to lose your son. It's not fair and it is so unbearable to have the world go on around you like nothing happened. I wanted the world to stop, even if just for one day. I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope that being here and voicing your pain helps you as much as it is helping me. Hugs to you and your family.

Jessica

[Jaydensmom]

Collin, I am so sorry for your loss of your precious Joseph. My husband often told me how people would ask how I was doing. My response to him was, do they ask you how you are doing? I know he hurts, just as you do. We lost our son at 34 weeks. My daughter was born healthy at 37 weeks so we thought that we'd have a baby in just a few weeks. Its been 7 1/2 months for us, and my husband and I still have our moments. I think it is so important for you and your wife to keep YOUR communication open. One thing I have found is that the world goes on without you, and your son. But your wife is with you on this journey. I am proud of men who can openly admit their hurt and loss. My husband is a guys guy (motorcycles, sports bike, dirt bikes, quads, hunting) ever since he was a young kid. But it means to world to me, and our relationship when he is honest about losing Jayden. I am sorry that people don't realize or acknowledge the pain that we will walk through the rest of our life with... If you'd like another guy to talk with, I am sure that my husband would be happy to respond. Just PM me.

Oh, by the way, I had GD also, and our son's heart stopped without cause. Come to find out, my placenta was small and had infarcts. I don't know why they couldn't have discovered that during my HIGH risk pregnancy...??

[Abigailsmommy]

Collin, I am so sorry about Joseph. I know from dealing with my husbands own experience and still to this day 9 months later. Everyone always asked him how I was doing but not how he was and it hurt him so deeply. I know for him right after we lost Abbi that I was going to be off the 6 weeks for my maternity leave. He took two weeks off and then had to go back to work so he was strong for me and shoved all of his emotion and grief deep down and everyone at work just treated him like he was okay and would just daily ask him about how I was but never how he was. 2 months later he really had a breakdown and finally had to deal with his grief because no matter how far you stuff it down it comes back to the surface. I know this forum is open to everyone including the dads I just do not think that enough of them know about it or feel comfortable enough to come on and talk. I am really glad that you did. People need to recognize that the Husbands (dads) hurt just as much as we do and if not more for losing their baby and not being able to help their wife when you are both in such deep sorrow. Welcome to our forum even though I hate to have to welcome you here this forum has been the most helpful to me and I hope it will do the same for you.

Jenni

[Madge]

I am sorry for the loss of Joseph. That is a wonderful name. I hope you share a picture or two with us in time.

I understand this----It has been over a year since we lost Dekar, but I was very frustrated that my husband was shown no extra sympathy at work. After his leave was up (he actually got called into work before his leave was done) he was thrown directly into high stress projects with no regard to what he had just went through. I felt it was totally wrong. Although I was asked by a co-worker what he could do to help dh, nothing ever came of it. Human resources did nothing to show him what support was available. He was expected to just go on like normal. I don't really think many coworkers gave the loss of his child a second thought.

You are right--people don't always think about asking the father how he is doing. I guess it's because women are the "feeling" ones and the men are the "strong" ones. Maybe it's even hard for one man to reach out to another in that manner?

I know there are other dads here who will show support--they have helped me by sharing a different perspective.

[Abigailsmommy]

You are right--people don't always think about asking the father how he is doing. I guess it's because women are the "feeling" ones and the men are the "strong" ones. Maybe it's even hard for one man to reach out to another in that manner?

I know there are other dads here who will show support--they have helped me by sharing a different perspective.

Madge, I totally agree. My husbands boss actually had the nerve to ask him only 2 months after we lost Abbi how long he was gonna need to get over this and get his head back in the game at work. I could not believe someone could actually say that to someone who had lost a child and this man has children of his own. It really hurt my husband

[JillinGA]

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet lil Joseph.

I, too, had GD during my pregnancy, but that is not what caused Chelsea's death. I lost her due to a cord accident.

Please know that you and your wife and family are in my thoughts and prayers.